A/N: Sorry it's been awhile! I haven't really written a lot in the past few weeks, so have some angst *sad noises*

"Come on Philip, put on your tie." Eliza softly called to her son. The four-year-old looked up in confusion at his mother.

"Mommy, I need your help!" He told her, evidently struggling with his tie. Eliza sighed, removing her one-year-old daughter, Angelica, from her hip and placing her down. Angelica began to suck on Eliza's phone, which happened to be placed down next to the baby.

"You do it like...this.." Eliza bent down, carefully tying his tie. Philip watched his mother in awe as she knotted his black, soft tie. Eliza patted it and placed a kiss to his forehead.

"There." She said.

"Thank you mommy!" Philip said in reply, fiddling with the tie.

"Now, go downstairs. Aunt Angelica will see you to the car." Eliza dismissed him, and Philip loudly ran downstairs, giggling.

Eliza smiled, but it wasn't the sweet smile that everyone knew and was used to. Behind the mask, she crumbled. The pained smile that was worn on her face was getting tiring, and she hated having to lie to her children. She felt as if she were betraying them.

She swooped down to pick up Angelica, bobbing her on her hip like she was before Philip needed her assistance. Eliza gazed into the mirror that was propped up against the wall, her baby bump was starting to show more and more each day. A black, lacy dress hugged her curves, which were starting to thicken after carrying three children and growing older. She rested a hand on her swollen stomach, and felt Angelica do the same.

"Soon. Soon you'll meet him." Eliza told her curious baby. "He'll be just like his father, I know it. Now, it's time to change your diaper and get you ready.."

Eliza quickly changed Angie's diaper and slipped her into a nice, comfy black dress with a black sweater that had been gifted to her from her mother-in-law. She placed a kiss to her temple, grabbed her heels, and trudged downstairs.

Angelica Church met her downstairs, Philip at her side. She was fixing her young nephew's hair, making it less frizzy. Angelica glanced at Eliza, just now noticing her arrival.

The elder girl stood face to face with the younger girl, putting her hands on her shoulders. Her hands eventually moved into a hug, embracing Eliza in a warmness and comfort that brought tears to her eyes.

"Thank you." Eliza told her sister, pulling away. Angelica smiled a sad smile in return.

Eliza got a good look at her sister. She was wearing a loose, black dress that ran down to her knees. Her hair was in a elegant knot above her head, and her pale face was caked with makeup. Angelica looked at her sympathetically.

"It's time." She whispered softly, wishing she didn't have to say those words. Eliza swallowed and nodded, taking Philip's hand and leading him out the door, Angelica being their guide.

The foursome loaded into Angelica's white 2017 Toyota Highlander, and drove off to the one place Eliza was dreading the most.

She looked out the window, it was a short drive from her neighborhood, maybe 10 minutes. She watched the autumn leaves fall to the ground, leaving the tree barren and exposed. It was an odd parallel to her, seeing as she felt exactly like the trees.

Eliza watched as the white gates moved into view. The sign of the cross standing tall above all others. They parked and stepped out of the car, relishing in the cool air that had hit them. Eliza's stomach turned at the stone inscription that announced where they were. She turned from it, not wanting her heart to ache anymore.

As if he could sense her sadness, Philip ran up to his mother and hugged her legs. Eliza gripped him tightly, fighting back tears. She glanced at her sister, who was carrying Angie and looked to be fighting back her own hot, stubborn tears as well.

"Mommy, I love you." Philip told Eliza, his voice muffled from his face being in her dress. Eliza smiled sadly, her heart wanting to scoop him up and hug him tightly, never letting go again.

"I love you too." She said in reply, her lip quivering. Angelica put a hand to her back.

"Are you ready?" She asked quietly. Her younger sister nodded.

"Yes."

They began to walk down the grassy area, stepping out of the way for fallen roses and flowers that laid in their path. They went down the rows, making their way to aisle H.

A plaque inscribed in the ground read H in one big, bold letter. Eliza shook as they began to walk down the row, eventually stopping at the small plaque that was shining in the sunlight. The small plaque that made her heart break at the sight of it.

The tiny gravestone that read her husband's name on it.

It stood there, taunting her. She felt him, even if he was buried six feet deep in the ground. She could feel Alexander everywhere.

There was a shuffling behind her, and she realized it was her son attempting to get to his dad's grave. Eliza stepped out of the way and released his hand, watching in agony as he stepped towards the plaque.

Philip touched his father's grave, tears welling in his bright eyes. "I miss you, daddy.."

Angelica dipped down so that her niece, who was hugging her hip right now, could see the marble gravestone. Angie touched the grave, and actually bent down even further to kiss it. Eliza's heart softened as she saw her daughter's tiny lips press against the cold, white rock.

Angelica pulled out a rose from her bun and placed it on the stone. She touched it, and gave a silent nod. Angelica lightly took Philip's hand, and softly guided him back to the car, knowing that Eliza would want to be alone with her husband.

Eliza bent down so she was face to face with the stone. It was the first time she had been to his site. She couldn't bring herself to go to his funeral or wake. She couldn't face him again, and yet here she was, bent down at his grave.

Buried here is
Lieutenant Colonel
Alexander J. Hamilton
1990 - 2019

She didn't say anything. She didn't talk to him, she didn't think, she didn't do anything of that nature. Instead, she took out a note that was in her clutch purse and placed it down on the grave, covering it with a bouquet of flowers that Angelica brought to her from the car. Eliza clutched to Angelica and began to sob into her chest, not letting anything hold her back.

She cried because she never properly said goodbye, she cried because she would never be able to see him again, she cried because Philip, Angelica, and the tiny baby in her stomach would never be able to see their father again, she cried because Alexander would never see their children grow up, and she cried because of the weight that was finally being lifted off her shoulders.

Angelica did nothing to console her, nothing to reassure her. She only embraced her sister in her arms, and that was enough for Eliza.

After what felt like an eternity, the two sisters made their way back to the car, leaving the memorial

The note still laid there, in it's tiny glory.

"Dear Alexander,

I'm sorry, for everything that's happened since. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye when you were buried, for delaying seeing you, for being shut up in my house. It's not something you would want me to do.

But in all honesty, I'm scared. I'm afraid, Alex. I don't know what's to come, and it terrifies me. I'm going to give birth to our child soon, and you won't be there. That scares me. It all scares me. I wish you were here, so I could relish being in your arms, you reassuring me it will be okay.

I wish I could've been there with you in your last moments. The moment you were there when you took your final breath. I wish that I could've died first. That we would die together. Not in a makeshift hospital tent in Afghanistan, an actual hospital. You and I. Together, one last time.

You'll never see Philip, Angelica, or Alexander grow up. I've decided on a name for our son. I quite like it. You'll never be able to scare away Angie's boyfriends, or have a heart to heart with Philip and Alexander. It scares me.

But what pains me to most is that I'll never be able to see you again. I'll never hear your laugh, see your smile, feel your touch. Any of it. It breaks me... I still love you with all my heart.

Eliza"