Vent chapter. I'm just throwing my emotions on this- Warning: mentions of suicide, self harm, and depression.
Short, effortless, and just- stupid.

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Alex sadly stared at his beloved 'best' Eliza, who was ignoring him for weeks or months now, not giving him any glances.

He sighed, walking away and sat on a bench. Eliza noticed her best friend alone while covering his face with his hands.

She ran over to him, shaking his shoulder which caught his attention "Hey." She said sweetly smiling. Alex yanked her hand away. "What do you want?" He rudely spat. Eliza eyes widened.

"U-uh, j-just wanted to s-say hi... S-sorry." She stammered, quickly running away. Alex slapped himself hard.

Harsh, self-loathing words repeated in his mind, 'How could I do that? To Eliza?' He thought in his mind, rubbing the newly formed hot tears aggressively, looking up seeing his real best friend John Laurens looking at him.

"You alright Hammie?" John called. Alex nodded rubbing his tears again. John gave a hand out to him, helping him before Alex tackled him in a hug.

"I'm a fucking idiot Jack." Alex mumbled. John rubbed his back not really sure what to say. He wasn't in all good in comforting boys.

"Uh.. no your not, what happened?" John asked, worried Alex sobbed in his shoulder.

"Eliza. I don't deserve her." Alex whimpered, pulling away from his best friend, rubbing his tears with his shirt.

John rubbed away his tears, "it's gonna be alright." John said, patting his head before walking over to Lafayette and Hercules.

Alex flipped his hoodie up. He looked at Eliza, who caught his glance, quickly looking away fearfully.

Alex sighed, walking to his small apartment, taking out a cigarette and lighting it up.

Taking a puff, looking for the keys of his apartment, throwing the cigarette on the floor, stepping on it.

Alex opened the door, sighing before throwing his bag at the couch, taking off his jacket.

Alex closed the door, his eyes getting heavy, remembering the moments with Eliza before realizing they're not friends anymore

Isn't it obvious? You aren't friends with her, worthless bitch.( just like the worthless bitch writing this! )

A voice in his head said in his mind, running his fingers through his hair, his greasy and messy hair.

Tears formed in his eyes, grabbing his phone and scrolled through the recent messages.

Noticing an odd one, from his.. father? He had never gotten a message from him, opening it.

It read
"Alexander. I am not sure if you remember me, but- your mother has dead in a car accident, sorry to inform you." Alex's eyes widened, bursting into tears, falling hard on the floor. His phone cracking.

He felt his heart shatter, his chest heaved, getting a text from Eliza.

It read

'Alex, please, I'm sorry, hang in there. I'm coming over.' Alex threw his phone, not caring about her right now.

Alex whimpered and sobbed, covering his mouth as he stood up, his knees hurting from falling and grabbed a knife, slitting his left wrist 6 times. ( like what I did! )

Enjoying the pain, he did it to his right one, putting the knife down.

~~~

Eliza's P.O.V

Alex, oh God- is he okay? John just told me the news, what do I do? He's not answering my calls.

I looked up, the clouds getting darker as I ran to his place, biting my bottom lip, 'stupid Eliza! Stupid Eliza!' I yell in my mind, stopping while panting as rain poured on my hair.

Finally reaching Alex's place, sliding to his place, opening the door seeing Alex holding a knife to his chest.

"W-wait! W-wait! Stop! D-don't!" I pleaded, grabbing the knife and throwing it away, tackling him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Alex yelled at me. I gulped

Third Person's P.O.V

Eliza teared up, holding his wrist, "what are YOU doing?!" She asked harshly. Alex looked away, yanking her hand away.

"What? Just ending my stupid worthless life!" ( like my life! My stupid pathetic, waste of space life! )Alex snapped, seeing Eliza cry made his heart break more. Eliza let out a shaky breath. Alex took a step towards her, dangerously.

"I-it's- W-what did I do?!" Eliza yelled back, her shoulders shaking. Alex shook his head, backing Eliza to a wall.

Eliza gasped when her back hit the concrete wall, "what do you think? Why did you even stop me!?" Alex yelled, taking her wrists and putting it above her head.

"B-because I care about y-you!" Eliza cried even more, her eyes blurring from the new formed tears.

Look at that, bitch, hurted her.

A voice said in his mind. Alex shook his head, ignoring it and slamming her wrists against the wall. Eliza flinched

Eliza eyebrows furrowed, "I-if your m-mother died, w-why won't you let me h-help y-you Alex.." She stammered, shaking out of fear. Alex eyes darkened even more, finally letting her go as she, hesitantly wrapped her arms around his waist.

Eliza nuzzled into his chest, her head barely reaching his collarbone as she stood on her tip toes. "Alex, a-are you a-alright?" She asked, cradling his face.

Alex knees buckled, falling down, bringing down the small girl down with him. Eliza flinched.

Alex looked down, his hair covering his face as Eliza hugged him tightly.. whispering comforting in his ear. Alex reached for her waist, hugging her. Eliza gasped, her shoulder tensed up. Eliza lifted his head up.

Seeing his red-shot tear filled eyes and red cheeks. Eliza kissed his nose "Alex, please, don't ever do that again, you scared the life out of me." Eliza whispered in his ear. Alex pulled her closer, sitting her on his lap.

Alex muttered a quiet 'sorry' Eliza giggled softly, kissing his lips as softer. Alex widened his eyes at the new feelings against his lips, opening his eyes properly, before he responded, she pulled away, out of breath.

Alex grabbed her face, crashing his lips on hers, pulling on her shirt tightly. Eliza gasped in his lips, falling on her back with Alex on top of her.

Eliza held on his shoulders, getting dizzy as Alex bit her bottom lip, hard, but not as hard. Eliza gasped, Alex quickly explored her mouth, enjoying the raspberry taste

Eliza tried pulling away, but the floor made her unable to, finally after 5 solid minutes. Alex pulled away, a smirk on his face.

"Why do you even care about me? Eliza?" Alex asked, holding her wrists over her head. Eliza blushed "O-of c-course. I care a-about everybody, e-especially you." Eliza stammered, her legs shaking.

Alex chuckled, "Love you too, even tho I'm a worthless cunt, and you probably don't love me how you did love me before. I hope you can forgive me for all the stupid shit I've done to you." Alex said, a slight pink hue on his cheeks.

Eliza rolled her eyes, smiling as she arched her back and kissed him. Alex instantly kissed back, slightly pulling away to tease her lips.

Eliza whined. Alex got off her, his knees still aching as Eliza held on his arm to stand, her knees weak.

Alex grabbed her waist, pulling her close to his chest "Thanks for saving my worthless life. I guess I'll live for an extra 5 years for you." Alex teased. Eliza hit his shoulder, "just kidding." Alex said, "seriously, thanks."

Eliza smiled "welcome."

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Do you ever have this feeling where you just wanna die and want everyone to forget your existence? Feeling that, I don't deserve my followers, my girlfriend, my best friends, and my family. I'm an ungrateful sick bitch who doesn't deserve this much love.

I just wanna end all the pain, maybe tomorrow? The world will be better anyway, your life will be better without someone who just craves attention and love. I don't deserve all this FUCKING support and love.

All I deserve is death for all the trouble I've caused too you. I'm so god damn sorry for putting my useless emotions on you, you don't deserve this. I deserve all the hate I get. I deserve this depression and insomnia, these nightmares are the only dreams I have.

God. I'm sorry for doing this- My self hate is the only thing I feel, all I feel is the ugliness of my personality and the hate you're experiencing.

Continue reading if you give a fuck about my stupid life.

Why I'm I feeling this? My closest friend has committed suicide, and I'm probably next, I'm so stupid for not stopping him, I deserve all this. I deserve all this depression and sadness for not helping him when he needed it.

I'm in my room, dying and starving, it's hard to breathe. I can't keep my eyes open. I just feel like quitting.

I can't open a cap of pills. I've lost all my strength. I'm not sure if I can continue- ITSJUSTBLBRUUHHH I'm sorry, really am- if I leave you, please- forget me. I'm not worth your time.

My arms are pale from all the blood I've lost. I've been in my room without food for 1 day, I'm so tired, so tired...

Depression, is really taking a toll on my mental health that a single insult just puts me down and I can't get back up. I feel like I'm drowning in all my regrets and fears that I can't seem to forget and get over. I need help. I hate myself so much.

Bye, thanks for reading.
If you get another chapter from me, or an update, it's probably because I- wanted to live more