Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

I was talking to Kathy in my hospital room more about her fears. Mainly the reasons she is afraid of spiders.

I asked her what other reasons she is afraid of spiders and this is how the conversation went:

"Are there any other reasons you are afraid of spiders?"

"Yeah, they're creepy."

"Creepy, how?"

"Well, their head is in the middle. What the fuck is up with that?"

"I don't know, that is weird."

"Another reason is because of the speed they can move."

"Oh god, yeah, they can move really fast."

"No, not even that. It's the acceleration."

"Acceleration?"

"Yeah, like how they go from 0 to 100."

"Ohhhh."

"Yeah. And they like, look dead when they're at 0. And you're like, it's not even alive, it's just sitting there, it's not even- Oop- it's in my mouth! Oh dear god!"

We both laugh really hard at that.

"Like, how do they even move that fast?" I wheeze.

"I don't- I don't knowww!" she shrieks, trying to stop laughing as the hospital door opens.

We both contain our laughter and watch tv.

In other matters: 

The rat-faced nurse is back.

She stands like a guard in the corner of my hospital room like a giant hawk.

Never removing her beady, rat-like eyes off of Kathleen and me.

We are watching recorded episodes of SNL on YouTube. We both decided on a character named Stefon that appeared on SNL's Weekend Update every now and then. Stefon was portrayed by Bill Hader.

We laugh our heads off at the skits because nothing Stefon says makes sense and Bill Hader has to use this ironic, high pitched, sassy voice.

Some BTS music is playing in the background that Kathy loves.

I don't know any BTS music but Kathy is quietly mumbling the lyrics. 

The chorus comes around again and I realize that I do know this song, as it was very popular on the radio last year.

Kathy starts singing the chorus of Dynamite, and it turns into that funny moment where you don't really know a song well, but then that 15 second part you do know comes on and you own it like you wrote it. 

Then there is the rat-faced nurse who just sits there like a gargoyle statue with no change in emotion at all. Not even the slightest sneer or twitch of her facial muscles.

Once we have finished every recorded episode of Stefon on SNL, we don't have any ideas of what else to keep ourselves busy with.

So we just sat there.

Doing nothing.

With the music off. 

Avoiding the burning gaze of the rat-faced nurse.

I swear, if none of us says anything within the next ten seconds, I'm gonna explode.

Then, we are saved by the noise erupting from the rat-faced nurse.

She lets out a rather audible rasping sound from her throat.

It's like when you have some saliva in the back of your throat, so you make a sort of scratching noise to push the liquid upward towards your mouth.

Except it happened when the room was totally silent.

So Kathy and I are both crouching on top of my hospital bed, in silence.

We were both trying so hard not to laugh that we both ended up having to turn our faces away from the rat-faced nurse because we were making these weird faces in order not to laugh out loud.

Either the rat-faced nurse is just deciding to ignore us, or she has a horrible time telling the difference between two teenage girls who are trying to hold back their laughter and two teenage girls who are crying so hard that their shoulders are shaking uncontrollably.

Which is something we are both doing at the same time.

I can't take it any longer.

I sneak a look at Kathy and I must have made a weird face because her mouth suddenly purses into a straight line, and she lets out a snort.

I lost it.

My mouth opens slightly and I laugh with a sort of squeak.

We both freeze and listen for anything from the rat faced nurse.

Nothing.

We both turn around.

She is making the ugliest face I have ever seen a human capable of making.

Then; "AH-AH-SHOOF!''

She sneezed.

I'm pretty sure Kathy's head and mine just blew off.

We are both laughing so hard that we can hear it echoing down the halls because the door is left open.

I laugh like a maniac while Kathy erupts with this shriek that ends in a laugh-scream.

The rat-faced nurse's face is so red that I almost feel bad for her.

"We should be locked up, we're a danger to society," I gasp.

"Too late, this place is enough of an asylum, and as long as we have a place to sleep, a bowl of cereal, and a coloring book, we'll be fine!"

Then Lisa walks in.

Quick, act natural.

Somehow, Kathy and I are able to control our laughter. Probably a miracle for that to be able to even happen.

Lisa looks around and motions for the rat-faced nurse to step out into the hallway.

Just before she disappears around the corner into the hallway, I see her whip around and give me the meanest look.

I deserve that. It just makes me hate her more.

Lisa gives the two of us the news that almost makes us burst into tears.

"The two of you get to spend a little bit of time tomorrow outside with your parents."

Quick, act natural.