I feel like it is the right time to recall the prayers of our past.

I feel like it is the right place to recall the prayers of our past.

It has been countless days within the year after the trial.

It is Conor's nineteenth birthday.

We didn't celebrate last year, because we were all so caught up in the hallucinations and the doomsdays.

Well, this year is going to be much different from last year.

July 8th, 2020.

I used to say he was born exactly one month, after my birthday.

Based on the newly introduced fact, that I was in fact, born back in 1918; here's the new, and improved announcement:

I tried out the math and got this:

2020-1918=0001

And this:

1918+2020=3938

Neither of those seems correct.

And then I did the basic five in a row tally mark thing; starting at 1918 and stopping at 2020, I got 102.

Poor Conor.

I am exactly 102 years, and one month older than him.

Age gap alert much?

His nineteenth birthday.

We are in the middle of a worldwide pandemic.

The virus is called COVID-19.

It started in Wuhan, Hubei Providence, China, on December 12th, 2019.

As far as we all know; none of us have it.

Yet.

Still no vaccine made.

Yet.

These prayers are not only for me, the ones I love, and the ones I've lost.

They are also for the ones connected to the virus, and they are for the hallucinations, though I hate them, very dearly, but with all my heart, I do respect them.

They are a part of me.

They always have been.

And always will be.

I have inhaled and exhaled these prayers since June 8th, 1918.

And I will exhale them until June 8th, 2071.

Yes, I have seen into the future.

Too far beyond one's eye, to unsee what my line of sight has been caught into.

Far enough to my death.

Far enough to the grave.

My tomb.

Yes, dear reader, I will die at age 90.

Not too old, and not too young.

As you might expect, I do not pass away from a hallucination like dear Kathy suffered from.

I simply pass away in my sleep.

Peacefully, from old age.

Beside Conor, without a care in the world.

Conor dies beside me.

What are the odds?

Our children, and our grandchildren are growing up before our eyes, too fast to even imagine.

Our two children; the oldest; our son James, married to Alana (who James always boasts about how her name means "beauty"), and the youngest; our daughter, Allison, married to Christopher (Chris), who she is always boasting (just like her brother) about how his name means "Bearer of Christ". Although, both of my children grew up as Atheists, just like me.

Both married to their wonderful spouses and both each have two children of their own.

Lily-Rose, and Spencer, Allison's children.

And Justin and Felix, James' children.

Two lovely children in our future, and four beautiful grandchildren, to go along with them.

Again, Conor passes away beside me, age 89, a month before he would have turned 90, alongside me.

His last thought:

My name.

Exhaled mid-breath, like a shiver of morning air; "Nina".

My love for him is unconditional.

His love is the same towards me.

No wonder the stars were unaligned, until we crossed paths.

That's when the stars were aligned, and the universe clicked back together.

They continue to stay aligned as we live on.

And they will continue to be aligned after we both pass on.

My final hallucination was on the morning of the day I died.

No, again, that wasn't what caused the hallucination.

In the hallucination, I was seeing Kathy.

But this hallucination was different from the past ones.

This one was like a gift from heaven.

It was a pleasant memory.

Of me and Kathy.

We could speak.

We could touch each other's hands.

It was all too good to be true.

Because it was.

It ended.

But right before she faded away, she whispered in my ear; "I'll see you on the other side".

I didn't get the time to respond.

But I know this: "When everything else fell away, only one truth remained".

I also know these things:

Prayer One-

"Into the darkness I fell and within the deep black is where I flourished. I became more than you could ever fathom. I am in despair. I am afraid. I am Darkness".

Prayer Two-

"They'll wait for you, you know they will. Run away if you want, but know what you're leaving behind".

Prayer Three-

"The darkness within you is deep and unfathomable- That doesn't mean you can pretend it isn't there".

These are the words that have kept me alive.

These are the words that make me who I am.

Let me tell you a secret: I used to be afraid of succumbing to the dark because I thought the monsters would get me. The monsters are hallucinations. Then one day, I thought to myself; "Maybe not all monsters are bad".

And I've always been dying to hear someone say that I didn't need to try so hard to be perfect. That I was enough, and it was okay.

Now I know.

I am enough.

And I am okay. 

I know you are all eager to know my last thought before I die.

The last thing I say.

I know you all want to know my true self.

Your wish is my command:

My final, standout memories.

My life flashes before my eyes.

I see the hallucinations, I see the years I made in life, I see the ones I love, I see the ones who have passed on, I see the life in me.

And I see myself.

Smiling down at my motionless figure in bed.

I see myself nodding at my motionless figure.

I see myself open my own mouth to speak.

And I hear myself say my last words to myself.

I see myself nod my head at my motionless figure.

And I see myself breathe out; "You've done good, Nina. You've done good".

My final thought to my phantom self:

"I have. Haven't I? My, oh my, what a bright light that is. See you there: Hallucinations".

And the final thing I say:

"Sometimes it's going to hurt. It will. You're going to sit on your floor, screaming at your ceiling, pulling your hair, and trying to tear the skin off your bones. You're going to long to fall asleep with tears burning holes in your cheeks, and praying that you won't wake up. But you will. You will always wake up. Be glad. It's going to stop hurting".

And who am I?

Well...