The picture above is the dress I describe in this chapter. (But the one I describe does not poof out as Emma Watson's did, it is thinner). 

The day.

Is here.

Conor has no clue of anything that will be happening today.

And, actually; neither do I.

All I know is that today is my doomsday.

Nothing more.

No concept of what will actually take place.

The same exact thing happened as everything did before 11:00 AM on Kathy's day.

Present opening and me sitting there, waiting. In anticipation. For what will be happening in two hours.

You could say I am obsessed with this song generator, and I will not disagree.

Because I am.

I made a love song for Conor.

And I sang it in front of everyone.

Because I thought it was worthwhile.

I wrote it in a hurry this morning at about 7:00 AM.

I wanted just Conor to hear it, but everyone is here.

Maybe I should be grateful for that.

Grateful for Conor, my mom, Conor's mom, Kathy's mom and dad, Dr. Lisa and Kathy's mom and dad are here when the doom hits me in the face. Like a brick that came out of nowhere.

8 people.

8 faces who have no idea about the upcoming events that will take place in one hour and thirty minutes.

I am not prepared for this. At all.

Or this:

I suggest to everyone that we all go outside to the field of flowers in front of the marble bridge. But for them to let me change first. For a "very special surprise".

Everyone agrees (or should I say; Obeys, as it is MY birthday. Not theirs) and we make our way downstairs to the first floor and outside to the underground parking lot.

During the present opening, I was wearing basic jean shorts and a hot pink top.

Now, I change in my bathroom.

With the door LOCKED. Because I am SO smart.

Conor gave me a beaded necklace with a charm bead in the center of a tiny rose.

On the charm is a date: 1918.

I squealed when I opened it and demanded that he put it on me.

So he did.

I am wearing it now, and plan to never take it off.

There are acceptances.

If I were to slip in the shower, the leaf on the rose could puncture my neck and cause internal bleeding, and I could die. If I were to be wearing it while sleeping, it could choke me, and I could die.

And then there is the doomsday.

I'll consider it my good luck charm.

I made sure that Conor's mom (who I found out by her introducing herself goes by Olivia) dragged Conor outside with them.

Sooo, during one of the days inside of the weeks of the 78 days before this doomsday. My mom was at work and I snuck out to the mall with Dr. Lisa who was kind enough to not tell my mom about it.

I bought a long, white dress that had long, see through sleeves, with a see through skirt that is see through from my thighs down.

The dress could be mistaken as a wedding dress if it wasn't for the orange and pink flowers that start at my right shoulder and spiral around and down the length of the dress and end at the base of the dress by my right foot.

I really liked the dress because it looks like the dress Emma Watson wore in the final scene of Beauty and the Beast when she is dancing with the beast.

I was not wearing any makeup before, so I applied dark blue eyeshadow, black eyeliner, and black mascara to my eyes and I applied some bubblegum pink lipstick to my lips.

My mom painted my nails two nights ago. They are a very dark purple. The purple color is so dark that it almost looks black, but I really like how it contrasts with the dark blue eyeshadow, so I am going to stick with this look.

I slip on a pair of cream colored sandals and wrap my hair into an acceptable bun.

Satisfied with my appearance, I nod at myself in the mirror.

I set my hands on my hips and stare into my eyes and say to myself in a low voice; "What is about to happen is a do or die situation, Nina. Everything happens for a reason".

I switch off the light and stomp out of my room, stubbing my big toe on my right foot doing so.

I curse and massage the red spot, but continue to walk.

Bad choice.

I fumble and almost slam into the table pressed against the wall in the hallway.

I stand up, turn to the table which is now slightly unaligned with the wall and look at it like I'm asking someone; "Who put that there"?

I brush myself off and gingerly make my way down the stairwell.

I reach the first floor and strut my way through the waiting room.

I give anyone who dares make eye contact with me a serious stink eye, and nearly knock an old man who is making his way over to the front desk as I strut my way to the sliding doors.

As I am muttering my apologies, he wacks me in the hip with his knobbly cane.

That's gonna leave a mark.

I already feel it forming.

"Move along, you little fart", he spits at me.

I pause long enough to rub my hip and continue on my way towards the sliding doors. Rolling my eyes the whole way.

I reach the doors that lead to the sunlight and can see my group of family and friends waiting for me expectantly by Kathy's grave.

Of course they choose that spot.

I burst through the doors.

And sprint through the flowers towards them.

Luckily, I am stable enough to be able to remember that my dress cannot get any stains or Lisa will kill me.

Not even joking when I say that.

I almost trip twice in the thirty seconds it takes me to reach them, but I am scratchless by the time I arrive.

Though, on the downside; I am breathless. I hold up a finger to signal that I need a minute to catch my breath, and bend over the side of Kathy's grave, sucking in breaths of air.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Olivia roll her eyes in annoyance, and then see Conor give her a look that clearly says; "Do that again, and I will do you the honor of disowning myself".

I smile in amusement and for Conor.

Where would I be without him?

Probably in a mental hospital.

Or I could have very possibly ended up like Raymond.

Conor is holding a guitar.

He walks up to me, hugs me, kisses me, and gets down on one knee.

My mom shrieks.

My heart skips a beat.

"Nina Jenay Montez..." he begins.

Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod.

"Will you do me the honor of listening to this song I have prepared for you?"

"You really had me thinking you were going to propose to my daughter on her birthday, Conor," my mom scoffs.

"Honestly, I was thinking that too," I admit.

"Little too early for that, I'm afraid," Conor says, "I will not be marrying now as we are both minors."

"True," my mom says.

"Will you listen to his song, Nina?" Conor's mom asks me.

I smile at her and look at Conor; "I'll listen to your song, Conor."

He smiles and guides me down to the grass while the adults stand and watch.

He tests the strings and then starts strumming the intro to a song I know quite well.

It's Breakeven by The Script.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in

'Cause I got time while she's got freedom

'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

I feel tears in my eyes as he sings and plays the guitar.

I never knew he could sing or play the guitar.

Only for a moment, I shed my eyes away from him, and took in the sight of the adults, swaying side to side to the lyrics and music.

I look back to Conor as his voice increases a notch as he sings:

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And

What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?

I watch the way his teeth show as his top lip is pulled back to reach the high notes, how his fingers move swiftly along the string on the neck of the guitar, and how the white streaks in his brown hair glow in the sunlight.

He reaches the last lyrics:

Oh it don't break even no

When he stops the guitar, the adults applaud and I cry.

He wipes away the tears, and hugs me, placing a kiss on my forehead.

"Did you like it?"

"Like, doesn't even come close Conor... I loved it."

He laughs and I sniff, trying to stop being so emotional.

He helps me stand and hands his mom the guitar.

I clear my throat and throw my hands in the air and yell; "Does anyone here know what time it is"!?

"Time for you to get a watch!" Conor yells back.

"Shut up!" I scream at him.

"Okay!" he screams back.

I went from crying to yelling, and I know I don't have much time left.

I tell everyone that I have a song prepared too.

The Love Song for Conor.

Here it is:

Our Handsome Carrot Love

By Bring Me The Roses

This one's for you Mr. Carter!

My love for you is like the most handsome carrot

Your face reminds me of shy cats

Together, we are like pizza and seasoning

Oh darling Conor

My handsome carrot

My shy potato

The perfect combination to my pizza soul

Roses are red

Skies are blue

I like singing

But not as much as I love dancing with you!

Oh darling Conor

Your face are like nosy flowers on a Summer day

You're like the most funny lawyer to ever walk America

Your shy cat face

Your seasoning soul

Your nosy face

Your funny lawyer being...

How could I look at another when our Handsome Carrot Love is so strong?

I love you Mr. Carter!

It was probably the most embarrassing thing I have ever done in my entire life, because most of the lyrics made no sense whatsoever, but they came from the heart.

Everyone including me laughed it off once it was over and Conor gave me a warm embrace and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing me by the waist and swinging me around in the air until I yell that I am going to throw up, and he sets me back down and holds me until the world is right side up and he doesn't have five heads anymore.

"Seriously, though," I say, "what time is it"?

He glances at his watch.

"10:59 AM." he says, "Why"?

My head feels like it's being crushed into a bean.

My legs go weak.

I fall to the ground and my head hits a rock.

I feel blood run between my eyes.

My vision is red, but I can see just enough to view Conor's face in front of mine.

His fingers hover above my neck. Desperately trying to read my pulse.

My eyes are like weights.

They keep closing and I use every amount of strength I have to keep opening them.

Nothing lasts forever.

Everything is too good to be true.

I knew it would all end too soon.

This is where I end.

My eyes close.

I make no effort to open them again.

My hearing is shot too.

But not enough to block out the sounds of sirens and Conor's desperate screams for help.

"I'M LOSING HER!" he yells, "SOMEONE CALL 911 RIGHT NOW"!

I know I am slipping away.

He doesn't know it yet.

But he will.

He will know soon enough.

Then the sounds stop.

I am deaf.

I am blind.

I am helpless.

I am weak.

I am nothing.

Am I dead?

No.

Not yet.

But only just.

This would be an okay way to die.

Painless.

Sightless and soundless.

I never really wanted to die.

Well. Nobody really does.

Nobody wants to die.

Maybe Raymond had an exception.

But that's not the point. Is it?

No.

No. It's not.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

They should have put me in a mental hospital.

I am crazy.

They were all wrong and I was right.

I have always been Thanatophobic.

Thanatophobia is the fear of death.

I don't know what's real anymore.

I don't know what's fake.

I guess that's really the point. Right?

Nobody ever really knows anything.

I feel weightless.

My whole body has gone numb.

It's like my whole body has gone to sleep.

That's exactly what has happened though.

What's it called when a human is still alive but completely unresponsive?

A coma.

I am in a coma.

Or, at least, not yet.

I guess there are stages because I have lost all five of my senses.

Or. All seven.

The last two have just left me.

Both my senses of vestibular and proprioceptive systems are gone.

I cannot feel any of my muscles or any pressure on my limbs.

I cannot make any sense of where I am or what anything that is going on in my mind in this space.

Then, I feel one single second of the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my entire life.

Then, it's gone.

As if the pain were never there in the first place.

It feels like a nerve that is connected to my brain that keeps me alive has been disconnected.

Like it has been snapped in half.

I feel like a robot that is being powered down.

Every second that passes, I feel less and less like I am anything in this world.

Maybe I am already gone.

Not yet.

But I am very close.

I must be having a hallucination.

That has to be it.

An unresponsive kind of hallucination.

But it's not.

Not completely.

I can feel life being drained out of me.

I am sure that my heart is close to stopping.

Honestly you feel the most alive when faced with death. You're suddenly aware of the fact that you've been just... existing. All this time. And when faced by death itself; it's difficult to comprehend that one day you just won't... exist. That's why swimming in the ocean during a storm makes you feel so alive. It's like you're cheating death. He is so close; only one stroke of lightning away, yet you taunt it. It feels poetic in a sense.

I see the blinding light that Death must know oh so well.

After all of his years, it must be his most detested color.

It gets brighter.

Closer.

It's as if I am in space, and am close enough to the sun that I could touch it if I wanted to.

But I cannot move.

I cannot exist anymore.

Then it's gone.

The light is gone.

Everything has disappeared from my vision.

My life is gone.

I lay limp.

My heart.

Dies.