TW: This chapter deals with dark topics, alcoholism, and self harm. If you are uncomfortable reading, please message me and I can give you an overview of the chapter. Please stay safe! xx

🍒 HALF HEARTED 🍒
FOUR: Down the Rabbit Hole

Lani has decided that her chemistry class is going to suck. As she sits at the dining room table with her legs crossed and redoes the same problem over and over again, she decides right then and there that she will not be getting into college and therefore will not be getting into law school and therefore will be disappointing her parents for the remainder of her life (insert a very depressed smiley face here, per Lani's wishes). She doesn't think her parents will even pay for her college degrees unless she ends up going to law school (or even Chapel Hill) or has some sort of high paying goal in her lifetime. Chemistry is literally about to ruin her whole fucking life.

Across her notebook page are various colors of highlighter, all scrambled messily across the paper with no particular meaning. She'd previously been highlighting terms as she reread them, thinking the color change would help her better remember them.

It didn't.

She still has no idea what she's learning.

She sighs. This class seemed to be so easy for her brother to learn. He never once complained about the homework or his grade in the glass — barely even studied for an exam. But here Lani is just after the third day of school struggling over a stupid concept about molecules. She doesn't even know what a fucking molecule is.

"What class is that?" she hears over her shoulder. Turning around, she sees her brother in the doorway of the dining room. His hands are stuffed in his pockets, and he tilts his head. What would seem innocent to everyone else is the complete opposite to her. Speak of the devil, she guesses.

"Uh, chemistry," she says. "Mr. Johnson."

"Oh, I loved him!" her brother adds. Lani rolls her eyes. Of course her brother was on good terms with this douche of a teacher. Mr. Johnson is the type of teacher who will refuse to help you unless he has even the smallest inkling that he might be your favorite teacher or that you already have a solid foundation of chemistry knowledge (which she does not).

Mr. Johnson definitely wasn't Landon's favorite teacher but Landon is an incredibly good liar.

"I don't," Lani says.

"Anything I can help with?" he asks.

This is what makes Lani pull her brows together and face her brother. He still stands in the doorway with his hands shoved in his pockets but when she makes eye contact he comes closer, standing beside the table. "Help me?" she echos.

"Yeah, I was great in chem," he says. "I know it's not your strong suit."

I'll always know more than you, is how she translates it in her head. Landon just loves rubbing it in her face that he's the favorite and knows more than she does. Most of the time she's alright with it but other times she just feels alone. Like she's not even actually related to this family. She has nothing in common with them besides looks. If that. These days she's been sticking out like a sore thumb because of the bleached sections at the front of her hair.

"Um...Sure," she replies hesitantly. Normally she wouldn't ask him for help but if she wants to stop doing schoolwork in the next century then she has to. "I'm stuck on this one." She points to a problem in her textbook, one with such big words that she can hardly comprehend it.

Her brother's face lights up with a smile before he sits down happily and begins explaining it to her. She barely understands what even he is saying but she still writes down all the words that leave his mouth and hopes the teacher accepts the response. If anything, she'll just tell him that Landon helped her with her homework and hope for a good grade.

"Make sense?" Landon asks when he's done explaining, but he has this look on his face like he knows it doesn't make sense to her but doesn't want to clarify anything more. Knowing Landon, this entire encounter is some sort of segway into the conversation he really wants to have. His philosophy is: Play nice until you don't have to. This is him "playing nice," so what does he really want?

"Yeah, I think so," she says instead of the truth. She circles her answer and moves onto the next question, ignoring her brother's presence that is still sitting silently at the table. He's just hovering there with his eyes on her. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

She's whispering the next question repeatedly to herself when he crosses his hands on top of the table and says, "I ran into Rafe Cameron earlier."

Here it is. What he really wants. "Oh, yeah?" Lani asks without looking up from her book. She finds it weird that he's bringing up Rafe Cameron right now as if either of the Liu children are friends with him. It doesn't entirely surprise her, though; her brother is a bigger gossip than Lani.

"Yeah," Landon replies. Lani highlights another part of her textbook without even understanding the concept. Maybe if she looks busy, her brother will leave her alone. "Is he still on that shit?"

"What shit?" she asks and turns her page. She knows exactly what her brother is asking about but she really doesn't want to get into drug talk with a guy who hasn't even had a sip of alcohol in his life unless it was handed to him by their parents at some fancy dinner or at church.

"You know what I mean," he says quietly.

Lani bites her bottom lip. "Not really."

This intrigues Landon — the way she gets nervous before her answer. He's reading her like she's on some damn trial; how typical. He leans forward, clenching his hands closer together so the tips of his fingers turn white from the pressure. "Well, he asked about you — where you were."

This gets her attention. She stops reading, pulling her brows together as she finally looks at her brother. She rarely speaks to Rafe Cameron; there's no reason he should be bringing her up in conversation with anyone. She hasn't even said a word to him since long before Sarah died. The most they've interacted lately is with a small nod of the head as a greeting whenever they see eachother but that's it. "Why?"

"Don't know," Landon says with a shrug. Lani returns to her textbook, highlighting random phrases in an attempt to look busy again. She'd let herself falter twice in front of her brother already; she can't do it again. Her physical responses answer every question he's asking without her even saying anything. At this point she isn't even reading, she's just highlighting random phrases. "I told him you were at school." ...She was at school. Rafe should've known that. She's in high school; she can't skip all the time if she wants to graduate (besides the first day of school, of course). "You still hang out with him?" he asks then.

This makes Lani pause again, and she looks up at him. She doesn't change her body language when she does this; she's just genuinely curious why he would ask. "What? Not really. Not since Sarah, at least."

"Not what it sounded like."

"OK?" she asks warily, meeting her brother's eyes. He looks just like her mother. A carbon copy of the person that has spent more time criticizing Lani than being a parent to her. Someone who just doesn't get her or even want to get her. "I don't really hang out with Rafe. He's like...nineteen or whatever..."

"Good."

"Good?"

Her brother nods lightly. "He told me to invite you to the country club tomorrow on his behalf. If I were you..." He tilts his head in a taunting way. Basically telling her he's better than her and has all the right answers and she's not shit. "I wouldn't go."

If I were you, he says. This almost makes Lani laugh because if he were her he would be getting such special treatment from their parents for his grief and all of his feelings. They wouldn't have to bribe him with a higher allowance just to hold up the family image because they would've paid for his fucking therapy. Lani's therapy is at the bottom of a bottle of tequila because no one wants to listen to her ramble on about how she feels like shit and wants to cry all the time.

"...He didn't text me?" Lani says. Why on earth would Rafe tell her fucking brother who she doesn't even get along with to pass along an invitation? The only reasonable answer to that question is that Rafe is just fucking with her brother — wants him to know that he can hang out with Lani whenever he wants, that Lani isn't a goody-two-shoes like Landon was — is.

Landon shrugs. "He probably wants to drink...You know, since that's what you two do all the time now. Might as well do it together, right?"

Lani feels a knife in her chest at the accusation that Rafe's drinking problem is anything like hers. Rafe drinks because he's Rafe and he has daddy issues or some shit; Lani drinks because she's grieving. That's not the same thing. "Excuse me?"

"You know what I mean," is all he says.

"Not really," she says.

"You, sister, have a real drinking problem these days," he begins. "You're not necessarily making life easy for mom and dad. They're constantly covering for you and paying off everything you destroy because you don't get your way. Hell, they've even bribed the school to pretend you didn't skip the first damn day —"

"I didn't ask them to do that," she says. "I told them I would take care of it, and I did."

"It doesn't matter because you are in this family, and you represent this family," he says darkly. His eyes change their shade, daring Lani to argue with him or fight back. She won't. She never does with him. "You think all of your teachers let you off out of the kindness of their little hearts? 'Oh, Poor little Lani Liu. She lost her best friend to a guy that murdered the sheriff. She deserves a free pass from life. Let's all give her fucking handouts.'"

She finds herself inhaling deeply, pushing the dark thoughts back down before she lets her brother hear them all. Her nails dig into her palms, and she bites the inside of her cheek. She cannot make a scene in front of her brother; it would just prove that she's exactly what he thinks she is.

"People like that won't make it out there, you know," he finally says.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks. People like what?

He tilts his head to the side. "Drunks... Druggies... None of them — won't last a day in the real world. Life is so much shittier than they think it is. That fucking silver platter you all have now doesn't exist out there."

There's a pang in Lani's heart when he says this, the knife going deeper with each word. Is that what he thinks she is? He comes home for two days and he suddenly thinks she's a drunk? She's far from it; she's doing everything she possibly can to hold herself together while getting over her best friend. It's not easy. He just doesn't get it. He's never had to deal with losing friends because he doesn't have any. "You don't know anything, Landon."

"What — you think mom and dad are going to keep covering for you and your shit with your friends forever?" he asks. "They're on their last straw, Lani. I've seen how stressed they are — how done they are. Probably about to cut you off."

"Cut me off —?"

"You're not like us, Lani, and they know it," he says. "You're ruining the family name — our business that we've worked so hard for —"

"The family name — are you fucking serious?" she says then. She cannot even believe he's talking about their damn family name in this situation. She can't even have a single human emotion without her family thinking she's crumbling and falling apart with no chance of being repaired. She wants to be fixed but her entire family is making it impossible.

And just like that, her brother's phone rings, and his expression completely changes. His eyes lighten, a smile spreads across his face, and he stands with a grace only a person with no fucking stress would have. He leaves the room as he answers it.

Lani sits there for a moment. She's not sure what to think — what to do. Her throat has that burning feeling; her veins light on fire. This can't be how her family thinks of her. Last year she was their golden child, handing her money every day, praising her every chance they got, bragging about her to their friends and coworkers... She loses one fucking friend and has one emotion and they completely abandon her for their image? She wants to say she can't believe it but, really, she can. She'd never realized how heartless and stone cold her family really is.

She can feel a nail pierce her skin, and she winces. She relaxes her hand, wiping the little amount of blood onto a nearby napkin.

She's on fire, and she can't even form her thoughts correctly. Everything is running a mile a minute and she just wants to scream at everyone. She feels so alone and confused and fuck — in one quick swipe she throws her stuff off the table. It slams to the ground in various directions. Some of her highlighters go under a cabinet, her textbook's spine snaps near a chair... And at her feet lands her notebook, open to a specific page with such familiar handwriting.

In glittery purple pen, it reads:

Meet you at the waves later. They're supposed to be huge tonight. Xoxo, Sarah

That's it. It's like a knife pushing one last time into her chest, spreading the fire throughout her body. She can't get through this without help. She has no one, and it's exhausting. Every single night she types out a text to Sarah and can't even send it because who would read it? Who would get to hear about her problems? Who would even care about her problems?

She's completely alone, and it feels like her whole world is on fire. Like it's crumbling down around her, sitting in piles of ashes at her feet. All that's left is her and her grief, standing tall and alone while everything shrivels around her.

She picks up everything she tossed on the floor, setting it on the table before wiping the tears from her eyes. If she's about to have a breakdown, she'll be damned if she lets her family know about it. As far as they know Lani has put her schoolwork back on the table in an organized fashion and gone to hang out with Topper. That's it.

Lani's feet finally quit moving when they're in front of a large cabinet. It's a cabinet she hasn't frequented very much before because it's usually open for all to see, advertising what's inside. Her parents would surely know if something was missing but right now she really couldn't be bothered to care. She needs the alcohol in it. She needs something to help her through this.

Except, there's a lock on it now. There wasn't one yesterday.

She supposes that's her fault, anyway.

But it's fine. She's sure she can figure out the passcode. Her parents may be lawyers but they aren't particularly creative. She's been guessing their passwords from the time she could spell and it's always been their fucking anniversary —

But that's wrong. It doesn't unlock.

So instead she tries each of their birthdays — wrong. Her throat burns as she holds back tears. She won't cry right now. Not here.

As a long shot, she tries her own birthday. Wrong. The lock seems to tighten when she tries this.

She tries Landon's birthday next (she's surprised she even remembers this, to be honest).

And she hears the lock click as it frees itself. Fucking typical. She knew he was the favorite child these days but what the fuck.

She doesn't have time to deal with the overflow of emotions right this second because she can hear her brother retreating down the stairs, his voice still echoing as he speaks on the phone. She reaches in and grabs the closest bottle of scotch before closing the cabinet and relocking it. She hooks it under her arm and slips outside just as she hears her brother enter the dining room again.

She wants to feel the relief of not having to speak to her brother for a second time but instead she feels her walls crumble down. She's alone again, and her body knows it because it doesn't try to hold anything back. There's no one to hide from out here.

The fire continues to burn hot in her throat as she makes her way down to the beach. The waves are huge tonight, she can hear Sarah say.

Fucking Sarah, Sarah, Sarah — she can't get her out of her damn head —

Lani plops into the sand and takes a long swig from the bottle. Scotch is so not her drink of choice but it does the trick. That's all she needs right now.

Meet you at the waves later, she hears then. The aforementioned waves wash up around her feet like they're mocking her — like Sarah is there telling them what to do.

But Sarah's not there. She's gone and the waves are just that — waves. Moving with nature like it's their job because it is.

She puts her hand into the water just as it retreats back home, silently begging the waves to do something. Bring Sarah back. Anything.

She takes another drink. And then another. And keeps going until she can feel a pool of tears waiting to be free at her eyelids. Every inch of her body aches to scream and release everything she's feeling but she pushes it back down. At this moment she's in control. Her emotions aren't. There's a few tears that fall but she barely notices. Her entire body is burning — aching — for her to release everything she's feeling but she wants to build her wall back up. She wants to be the old Lani that didn't show emotions and the one that everyone loved. The old Lani that everyone apparently misses...

But that Lani's fallen down the rabbit hole, and she's nowhere to be found. This Lani is teetering on the edge of joining her, rocking back and forth until her body ultimately decides which way to go. Waiting for it to suck her into the dark hole forever.

The feeling she gets from scotch is so much different than tequila, but she doesn't care anymore. Anything that makes her feel something else is fine in her book. She's just sick of feeling like she does every day. She wants it to be over.

She raises the bottle to her lips again as another tear reaches her upper lip.

"Are you OK?" she hears. She swallows the liquid and puts the bottle back between her legs. It's JJ; she knows that well enough. She doesn't even have to turn around to know that. He's everywhere lately, watching her crumble into a heap and lose her fucking mind.

"Leave me alone, JJ," she says. Her veins burn, and her stomach churns. This feeling isn't going to go away unless she unleashes it, but she doesn't want to. It has so much control over her, telling her what to do and when to do it, and she's sick of it. She hates what it does to her but lately she hasn't really had a choice. She never feels better until it's all released. Until every single ounce of the flame has been extinguished. Her body has been acting by itself; if she needs to cry, it'll cry. If she needs to scream, it'll scream. If she needs to yell at someone, it will.

And right now, that person seems to be JJ Maybank.

"...I don't think you should be alone right now," he says softly.

"Oh, yeah?" Lani hiccups. For some reason she absolutely hates what JJ says. She's alone all the time so why is now the issue? She was born to be fucking alone. There has never been anyone there to tell her that she's OK or that she doesn't deserve to feel the way she does and — shit, the fire is just so hot in her throat — "God, JJ. I don't need — your help!"

He pauses for a moment. His lips tighten. "You're plastered."

"Obviously," she says.

He doesn't say anything after that. All she hears are the waves crashing into the shore, surrounding her feet, telling her that the cool feeling means absolutely nothing and it's just there to remind her of all she's lost. How even the fucking water doesn't get along with her.

"Did you get hurt?" he asks then.

"What?"

"Your thigh —"

Lani didn't even notice that her dress had ridden up to show the same spot JJ had seen the other day; this time, though, there's fresh blood dribbling down her thigh. She quickly pulls her dress back down without an explanation because what would she even say? It helps me feel better? That's shit. I don't even notice? Definitely not true —

"Why are you even here?" she asks instead. She takes another drink from the bottle and holds it to her chest instead of between her legs so she can keep her dress below her thigh. The moon reflects off the water, illuminating her surroundings. She used to think it was pretty. It was one of her favorite parts of the day — watching the moon above the ocean. Now all it does is remind her of everything she used to have and doesn't now.

"You mean...taking a walk on public property?" he asks.

Lani scoffs. "Yeah...taking a casual stroll on Figure 8. Sure."

JJ raises a brow. She doesn't see him do this, but she can tell by the tone of his voice. "You think I'm here for you?"

She shrugs then, twisting the bottle between her fingers. It's almost empty. She'll need to tip-toe (see here: stumble) back inside for some more soon. Her head spins lightly, and her stomach twirls. The familiar feeling of being sick from the alcohol returns, but she doesn't mind. It's better than the empty feeling she has every day. "Seems like it."

"Well, I'm not," he says.

"OK."

"I'm not!"

"Fine."

He doesn't say anything again, so she takes another swig. The bottom of the bottle drips ocean water onto her bare legs, goosebumps following soon after. The water is colder than she remembers. She wonders if Sarah was cold when she —

Nevermind.

"...Ok, fine, maybe I am," JJ finally says.

Lani bites her lip. Fire pushes through her veins, warming her body from the cool water. She can physically hear her heartbeat in her ears. Thump, thump, thump — every single vein in her body thumps with the beat of her heart. Thumpthumpthump. "Well, you can leave. I don't — want you here."

JJ steps forward once and reaches a hand out. "Lani, I don't —"

"JJ, leave, OK? I don't need you!" she says. She can hear JJ stop moving in the sand. She pulls the bottle closer to her chest, hugging it within her arms. She should be alone. That's how it's supposed to be; clearly that's what the world wants. For Lani to feel empty and alone.

"I'm not leaving you like this," he says.

"God, JJ, you're not my boyfriend, alright?" she slurs. It's barely audible but she knows he understood her because he doesn't say anything. It's like she could hear him gulp loudly with anxiety. She knows how she must be making him feel but she just doesn't care. "Just go."

Lani's eyes are full of tears, and her throat burns from trying to hold everything back, prepared to scream and cry until she no longer can. She can't even see out of her eyes anymore. She's teetering at the edge of the rabbit hole and is prepared to toss herself in any second now. Behind her JJ doesn't move. He just shoves his hands in his pockets and stands there with big, sad eyes. Like he wants to say something more but doesn't.

He's pitying her, surely. She doesn't need that — doesn't want it. She doesn't need anyone —

"Go, JJ."

"No."

And he still doesn't move. And Lani doesn't say anything either. She looks off at the waves and thinks fuck you because those waves lied — Sarah isn't alive. She's not talking to her, and she isn't coming home. It's just fucking nature doing whatever it does. The tide rolls in, and it rolls back out. Per usual. It's not some fucking sign that Sarah is somewhere out there because she isn't —

A loud sob escapes her throat then, and before she can hold the rest in, the dam breaks, and she's thrown into the rabbit hole all at once. She pulls the empty bottle further to her chest and cries like JJ has never seen her cry before. Tears roll down her cheeks; sobs wrack her body as it shakes with each cry. She can feel JJ immediately sit down next to her before he pulls her closer, holding her to his chest.

She feels the sudden warmth from another body and yet she's so cold. Like these fucking tears made the fire leave her veins, abandoning her with the waves.

She feels like she's suffocating — sees no end to the ache in her chest or the burn in her throat. JJ pulls her closer, and she can feel his hand running through her hair but nothing else. He shushes her softly, and she barely hears it.

Every time she tries to fucking breathe, it feels like the air gets caught in her throat and goes no further. Her chest wants to heave but it's so constricted — like there isn't enough air for her to breathe. She can feel her brain screaming at her to let in more air but her body just won't.

"I — I can't —" she cries out.

"Lani, it's OK," he whispers. Her throat won't stop burning — won't stop screaming at her. Telling her she deserves this and should be doing it alone.

"It's — not OK," she says. "It will never — be — OK. She's — gone. My family — hates me —"

"Trust me," is all he says.

And for some reason...she does. Something in the back of her head is telling her to trust him wholly because when has he lied to her? He squeezes her arm just then, and she cries harder in his chest.

Yeah...When has JJ Maybank ever lied to her?

AN: Ahhhh!! Lots of heavy emotions in this chapter BUT it all lightens up (slightly) next chapter!! I promise!! Lani's going through a lot and I really don't want to downplay it, hence all of the sad chapters we've had. But I promise we're on the up!

What did you think about her convo with her brother?

Her interaction with JJ?

Let me know how you liked the chapter! Hopefully I'll have another update out this week. xx :)