hey gang! just a little preface! this is a one shot where kageyama is trans ftm, and i do not identify as trans, so if i said anything stupid! tell me! thank you for your support

It had been around his 2nd year of middle school, when Kageyama first managed to pinpoint why nothing ever felt quite right. 

First, he thought it was his hair. So he cut it short. That was in the 4th year of elementary school. It made him feel a little better, but not really. 

Then, he thought it was his weight. He had always been a little overweight (slow metabolism, his mother always said). So starting when he was 11, watching his weight turned into constant dieting turned into obsessing over his weight turned into an eating disorder. It was bad, for a while. It's gotten better in the past few months. 

Then, he thought it was his clothes. He hated the skirts and the frilly blouses he always had to wear. As often as he could, he wore pants. He liked button downs, but when puberty hit, nothing seemed to fit, the shirts stretching tight across his chest and hips. 

That's when his eating disorder was at its worst. 

Then, after a year of starving himself and having anxiety attacks so bad he thought he would never make it through another one, he finally figured it out. His friend was talking about her older sister, who suddenly wasn't her older sister anymore. Apparently, she had come back from college and told her family that she wasn't a girl anymore, she was a boy. And from then on, that girl had an older brother. 

Kageyama had thought it weird at the time that if the girl's sibling had come back and told them he was a boy now, why she was still referring to him as 'she.' He knew why now. 

After months of wrestling with his feelings, he finally found a way to try to tell his parents. They weren't completely convinced, but were kind nonetheless. He was now in his second year of high school, wore a binder, and was able to dress in the boy's uniform. He had even earned a place on the boy's volleyball team, a team that now functioned as his second family. 

The team where he had met his best friend, Hinata Shoyo.

Well, at this point they were definitely more than friends. But they were best friends first, being lovers just came naturally after that. 

Hinata was the only one who really saw him for who he was.

To everyone else, he was Kageyama: the trans guy.

To Hinata, he was just Kageyama. In the best way possible. 

Things had finally been looking up. Kageyama was getting closer and closer to feeling more comfortable in his own skin. He was scheduled to start on testosterone in the next few months. He had a boyfriend who loved him. He played on a team with people who supported him. His family was slowly growing more supportive, slowly but surely (his older sister had been a savior for the times his parents just couldn't seem to look him in the eye). 

But there were still days when that didn't matter. There were still days when everything felt wrong, out of place. Days were nothing could change that. 

Kageyama's anxiety had been off the charts the whole day. It was just one of those days. He hadn't been able to sit still in any of his classes and he was too nauseous to eat anything. When it came time for practice, he was sweaty and trembling, and almost considered going home. But, he pulled himself together (somewhat) and told himself he always felt better after playing. 

With the dysphoria hitting particularly hard that day, he decided to leave his binder on. Maybe that would help him clear his head, he hated having to put on a sports bra everyday. It was just another reminder of how far away he was from his goal. 

"Hey, everything okay?" Hinata appeared at his side as he stood in the doorway of the auditorium. Kageyama swallowed and set his jaw. 

"Yeah, it's just..."

"One of those days?" Hinata offered, a sympathetic smile on his face. 

"Yeah," Kageyama said, slightly relieved. He never had to explain himself to Hinata anymore. He just got it. Hinata's eyes suspiciously looked at his chest.

"Are you wearing a binder?" Kageyama shifted uncomfortably. 

"No, I, uh, just got a new sports bra. Very supportive and..." Kageyama seemed unable to form any other words about his fake bra. 

"Hm, okay." He could tell Hinata wasn't completely convinced. Kageyama knew Hinata would have his hide if he knew Kageyama was practicing in a binder. Kageyama took a deep breath, trying to steady his racing heart. "You'd let me know if there was anything I could do, right?"

"Yeah, of course." 

Practice was going fine. They had to do strength at the beginning, which Kageyama barely got through without passing out. Then they had done passing drills, and now they were onto spiking drills. Kageyama tried to ignore the pounding in his head. 

Eventually they got a water break, but Kageyama's head was so light he couldn't even take a step without stumbling. Hinata took notice, and quickly came over. Kageyama's breathing was shallow and fast, his head pounding and his stomach churning from nausea. 

"Hey." Kageyama looked up. Hinata's face was full of concern. One of his hands was on Kageyama's shoulder and the other was on his forehead. His head was dangerously cool. "Are you binding right now?" His breaths heavy, Kageyama gathered the energy to respond. 

"I'm sorry, I just..." He heard a heavy sigh from Hinata, and bit back the hurt that was bubbling up. Hinata beckoned over Yamaguchi and in a hushed voice told him what was going on and that he would be back in a bit. 

Hinata put his arm around Kageyama's waist and slowly started leading him forward towards the locker room. Kageyama wanted to move faster, he could feel the questioning glances from his teammates, but he knew he wouldn't be able to run in this state. 

Eventually the were able to sit down on one of the benches in the locker room, and Kageyama tried to catch his breath. 

"Hey, you have to take that off, okay?" Hinata said gently, holding out a water bottle for Kageyama to take. 

"I..." Kageyama was still breathing very heavily. He swallowed back the bile that was creeping up his throat. "I feel like I'm going to pass out."

"I know. That's why you have to take your binder off. And drink something. Have you eaten today?" Kageyama shook his head, his eyes glued to the floor. Hinata held in a sigh. 

"I think I'm going to puke," Kageyama said miserably. 

"Hey, well, if you haven't eaten anything there won't be much to throw up, yeah?" Hinata squeezed his shoulder before getting up to fetch a trash can. 

When he came back, Kageyama's shirt was off and he was working on getting his sweaty binder off. 

"Sorry," Hinata muttered.

"No, no, it's fine. Could I get a little..." Hinata nodded wordlessly. Soon Kageyama was changed into a new shirt and drinking some water. 

"Feeling better?" Kageyama nodded meekly. "You should eat something, Tobio." Hinata held out a banana and Kageyama took it, seemingly without any plan to actually eat it. 

"I'm really sorry, Shoyo."

"Hey, don't be. Hey, look at me." Hinata was seated on the bench next to Kageyama, his body twisted towards the younger boy. "I know things are hard right now, and I know they are hard in a way I could never understand, but they'll get better, I know they will. And between now and then, you have to take care of yourself, okay? Hey, soon you'll be on T, and things will start to fall into place. When you turn 18, you can change your name, officially. You'll be able to get surgery. That's not so long now, right?" Hinata squeezed Kageyama's hand. "Look how far you've already come. You're almost there."

"Yeah, I know. Some days just feel so... I don't know how to describe it." Kageyama sighed in frustration. 

"I know. I know. But you'll get through all those days. You will."

"And you'll be there?"

"Of course. The whole way."

"I love you, Shoyo."

"I love you, too Tobio." Hinata put his arm around his boyfriend and kissed him gently on his forehead. There, in Hinata's arms, Kageyama finally started to feel his anxiety ebb away. He leaned his head on Hinata's shoulder, breathing him in. He was so lucky to have him, he knew that, but sometimes he couldn't help but be in wonder of how amazing Hinata really was. He had never met anyone so accepting and kind. 

After a few minutes, Hinata picked up the banana and handed it to Kageyama again. "I'm not letting you get away with not eating this. You can't run on sheer willpower, trust me, I've tried." Kageyama laughed lightly. 

"Okay, fine."

"Hey, it's Friday. What do you say, you come over to my house and sleep over tonight, okay? We can eat pizza and ice cream and cuddle and just have a nice night, alright?"

"Yeah that sounds good to me. Thanks, Shoyo."

"Okay, I gotta get back to practice, come out whenever you're ready. Just watch for today, or do stretches or something. You can get back at it tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah." Hinata stood up and then bent down to give Kageyama a quick kiss on the lips. Seeing Hinata's face, so hopeful, was enough to even get a smile on his face. 

Hinata always made everything seem like it was going to work out. And maybe he was even right. 

He hadn't been wrong yet. 

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okay gang shoutout to wiiped-outt for suggesting this, i think it slapped

i wouldn't say i really have the best relationship with my own gender, it's more that i'm not really all that comfortable with being a girl but also not comfortable with being a boy but i simply do not care enough to identify as non-binary, like sure i might like they/them pronouns better but i don't want to go to the trouble of telling people that and i don't really care what other people refer to me as i think my optimal situation would to just never be referred to at all? like have gender that is not even a thing associated with me, i don't that makes sense, that's why i don't talk about 

it just goes along with my views about my sexuality in that i don't give enough of a fuck to tell other people and i will just feel what i feel and deal with it

i really want to play beach volleyball

also i cannot stop thinking about sakusa/how much i fucking wish i looked like him

might even write some sakuatsu soon because 🥺🥺🥺

that is all