I saw him there drinking at the bar thinking about who knows what but he still looked as good as ever. I couldn't deny even without the bond coursing through me I missed seeing him. Knowing Klaus all he needs is an hour to ruin that, all I have to do is wait. I sat down next to him and he chuckled a bit "I was wondering when you'd come over and stop staring" I rolled my eyes and there it is. Moment gone "Then again I've been watching you for a while so I can't judge" I frowned "You couldn't have. I would've..." he cut me off "No you wouldn't. Just as you have found a way to dull the bond so have I" I frowned "How did you..." he sighed turning toward me fully looking me over before speaking.

"The bond is a 2 way street love. Everything you feel, I feel, you're mind is an open book to me as mine is to you. So when you dull it you can't feel me and I can't feel you. I knew the moment you dulled the bond. I felt it in my chest, just as I felt the overwhelming rage that only comes when someone's touched you. And I felt that moments before the bond disappeared so I also know what you've done and before you ask, no, I'm not going to swear to kill whomever dare go against me for your affection. Though I'm quite certain I can make an educated guess" I listened to him speak both stunned and irritated. So he's known this whole time, he knew and said nothing. Why did it matter if he spoke on it or not? Already I was irritated with my mind.

"You have no right to judge me for what I do with my body. Since you've had the time of your life abusing it" he sighed again taking a drink of his bourbon and looking away from me "You're the last person I'd ever judge, love. And it didn't hit me, the weight of my wrongs until I watched you get in the car with Marcellus and drive away. I am sorry, Elena" I paused my breath stuck in my throat "I told you I'm not the same man I was and I am telling you the truth" I narrowed my eyes at him and ordered a drink "Tell me. What has changed about my beautiful Elena since I've seen you last" skepticism still plagued my mind while I told him what I've been up to even though he no doubt already knew. Part of me could hardly believe he'd found a way to dull the connection in a way I couldn't detect. It also eats at me to know that he felt me giving myself away to someone one else.

What's worse is that this was me. I felt these things on my own the bond was still buried yet I still felt guilty for him knowing what I did. It hit more when I looked in his eyes, he still held so much admiration in his eyes when he looked at me. Even though he knew I didn't belong to only him anymore "Why did you come back" I interrupted him talking about Esther and Rebekah arguing "You know why" I rolled my eyes "Why now? You could've taken me back or at least tried to a long time ago. You could've forced me to stay instead of get in that car but you've let time go by. You've let me figure out what it's like to be without you why" he looked down not speaking before speeding me outside.  Suddenly I was against the wall and he was inches in front of me. Flashes of us ran rapidly in my head and I physically shook it to clear it.

"Elena you have no idea how much hearing you say those things cut me. I felt your pain and anger and sadness through the bond and they mixed with my own. If it weren't for mother putting me in a type of coma for 6 months I would've killed through a town or two and who knows maybe you. Much of the time I spent in there I replayed your words and even after I was let out of the coma I  was haunted by them. I felt unworthy in every way and my family was no help. I let you live without me because when I saw you at this very bar naught but 3 months ago you were happy and smiling and free. I know you well Petrova all you want is freedom and who was I to take any more from you" I listened to him my heart lurching more and more with every word. He stayed away because he thought it was what I wanted. And it... is.

"I came back because it's become unbearable. The hole I feel, the emptiness... in me it's darkened and twisted to hurt worse than anything I have ever felt in all my 1000 years of life. And it's because of you, because I don't have you, because you don't want me. And I've come back to see if I have truly lost you, to see if I've placed myself once again in the perfect position to be eternally alone" his eyes shined with vulnerability and they searched mine desperately for the answer. It hurt more than I wanted it to, more than it should've to know how he's been without me. And then suddenly it all clicked everything he said came together.

"That's why you could be around without me knowing. You were in a coma so of course the bond dulled and you searched my mind to find me. See what I was doing" he nodded moving back from me slowly "You have not answered me" he said bracing himself for the answer "I... I accept your apology" I said swallowing the lump in my throat before walking away from him. The air was too thick around him I needed space to think. I couldn't with my mind pushing me to comfort him. He spent 6 months suspended in agony because of me. It's no less than he deserved for using me, making me into his personal blood bag yet still my heart twinged in pain. Soon I walked into my apartment I saw Cami and Marcel in my living room watching tv.

I took a second to just watch them, a moment remembering that before I got here Marcel had a crush on her. Cami was making a joke about something now and they laughed. It hit me then that if I wanted to go back Marcel would be ok. But I shook it off quickly walking in the room, I plastered on my practiced smile and said hi. No one caught on. From the time they came in until they left nothing tipped them off. Nothing showed them the inner turmoil my heart was in. When the place was empty and everyone had gone I took the time to break down completely. My heart hit the floor like it had been wanting to since I'd seen Klaus again.  I scolded myself mercilessly "He doesn't get to do this to me! No more" I screamed at the walls, throwing anything in arms reach, he doesn't get to make me feel bad about the time we spent apart. The reason all of this happened in the first place is his fault.

His apology ran through my head again and I remembered his sincerity. I've never seen him so hurt, this tops even when his family came back. My heart ached but it was child's play compared to the feeling of the bond coming back. When it hit, it hit mercilessly, tearing through me with his pain added onto mine. Just knowing the weight of his pain broke me again. The bond burned now from wanting to reach out to him. Comfort him. The pain drew strangled cries from my lips and tears from my eyes. I clutched my chest feeling an unbearable tightness. I knew that he felt the same, I had gotten so good at blocking him out I missed this. I was completely oblivious to him reaching out pleading for the pain to end.

A knock sounded at the door and I opened it to see Esther watching me with sad eyes. Tears welled up again and I fell into her arms letting the pain take over me. She held me close shushing me "My child you must block him out. Your shared pain is too much for both of you to bear. Just push him out sweetheart. Push it out" I envisioned a wall in my mind and pushed hard on it suddenly feeling a little lighter. Once my head was clear I finally quieted my sobs "Why was it like that" she sighed running her hands through my hair "You've spent much time apart it's beginning to weigh down on both of you. Your bond is weak and I fear it may snap under anymore pressure" I knew what that meant, we'd both die.

"I was hurting before the bond came back" she nodded "I know. You're in love with him and whether you choose to acknowledge it or not he loves you just as much. I understand your hurt but I also know the real circumstances of your situation. Though it may seem like it, you truly have no choice" she said kissing my forehead and walking out. I sat on the floor for hours the ache dulling again. I stood up walking to my room where Marcel waited. He looked me up and down and I knew he would expect a explanation "What happened" I shrugged biting my lip fighting my tears.

"I'm sorry I knew this would happen it always does. I don't understand why I keep being pulled back to him every time" he wrapped his arms around me "Hey it's ok. You love him it's ok for you to love him" I shook my head "No I'm done! I'm not giving him anymore of me! I don't want him anymore" as soon as the words left my lips I fell into Marcel's arm writhing in pain. It felt like my soul was being ripped in half. Fear ran through me and suddenly I wanted to take it all back.