'Listen to your heart when he's calling for you

Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do

I don't know where you're going and I don't know why

But listen to your heart'

Sunset, the fleeting instant where the brightness of the day and the darkness of night met, and it was almost unbelievable how it resulted in a fierce red.

Well, it was a physical phenomenon, depending on the wavelengths of colors and the distance of the sun from the earth.

However, through the majestic pine tree silhouettes, from the turret window of the cabin, there was something more mystical about it, and I could feel a spark of magic in the play of shadows and lights all around.

I could have stayed forever watching it. But the night would fall in a matter of seconds. The colors were already changing when footsteps interrupted my contemplation, and my gaze lingered just a little bit more on the landscape to commit every shade to memory, as I recognized the steady pace on the creaking floor and inside my ribcage before even hearing the familiar voice.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Um, I just went to grab a sweater for tomorrow in the laundry room..." And I'd got sidetracked, though that, I didn't have to add because it was already evident in Spencer's knowing smile as I turned to him.

"You know we're coming back, right DD? It's just a 24-hour trip for now."

"I know," I sighed, throwing one last glance through the window to see the sun setting lower and lower before following Spencer down the hallway. "But I feel like I have to savor it because everything will go fast after. It's like... the beginning of the end."

The beginning of the end, it was this nostalgia lingering in the air and making each movement, each heartbeat more important, this prickle of tension with everything that was coming, and the restlessness of too many emotions. I could have thought it was only in my chest, as every item on our way stood exactly the same: the wooden calendar, the locked front door, the striped beige walls, the desk, the brown armchair, the fireplace, and the coffee table. Yet on there, instead of the usual newspapers, were overnight bags.

The beginning of the end, it was everywhere, until even Spencer's shrug as he tried to sound playful.

"It isn't sure yet. We don't even know if the article will work. Maybe we won't leave this place..."

The beginning of the end, yes, but would it be a happy or tragic one?

There was something more hovering in the air: the uncertainty of it all, and it was impossible to ignore, whether it was in the wavers of his voice or in the bag, where I shoved the dark sweater next to water bottles, tissues, Daisy's home-made snacks, and an unmistakable cold handle that sent a shiver down my guts.

Though that, it was just in case. We had other weapons, and I quickly zipped the bag closed, not letting Spencer see the gun as I focused on his brown eyes.

"It's sure that your article is amazing, and I know it will be a success, so we'll get to leave soon."

For the rest, I wasn't as confident. But I had no doubt in his talents, and I watched, amused, as the compliment trailed up his neck in a rosy shade and relaxed his features from his smile to the crease smoothing between his eyebrows. Well, what I could glimpse as he humbly looked down, shaking his head and probably thinking that I was 'biased'. He didn't even have to say it, as I knew him as well as he knew me.

Yet he still managed to surprise me when his gaze quickly came back to me, twinkling with knowledge and belief too, and of course, he poured both into his beautiful words. "Then I know you'll always find a way to come back here anyway. I think even people working at NASA have vacations, right?"

It was my turn to lower my head as warmth erupted from my chest, catching my breath, and all of me actually, off guard.

Of course, I still had this dream, and both Spencer and Blade could attest to my unrelenting passion, as I was surely tiring them too often, talking about stars, planets, and galaxies. But considering working at NASA appeared farther than the Moon for someone who was known as a 'wanted murderer'.

With everything happening, I would already be up into space if I could be an ordinary girl, and a caring and present mom, and my biggest wish, for now, was just to make sure all the people I loved were safe.

However, Spencer had always the words to make me believe I could be anything I wanted: a pirate princess... an astronaut... a mom... not a wanted criminal.

It felt within reach as I placed a hand over my belly, and the warmth was spreading there.

"To really savor it, you have to leave and then, come back, right?"

"You can't get away forever..." My lips stretched into a half smile as I was starting to understand, my fingers grazing the worn-out velvet of the armchair, and I could almost hear his quiet laugh, whispering 'you got it, little gem'.

Grandpa was everywhere around, and now, I had even more memories of this place to savor and take with me... 

His fishing rod not only took me back to the afternoons when he would drive me to the river, but also to Blade's Cheshire cat smile as I'd taught him how to fish, and it had ended in a dangerous bet. His notepad was now imprinted with Spencer's mark, literally, and even his armchair, which recalled his advice and stories, was reminding me of the day we'd discovered his investigation too, along with the many nights I snuggled there, rambling about space and stars while Spencer and Blade would remind me about what they'd read in the pregnancy books, always finding excuses like 'making sure my feet weren't cold' to seat close on the armrests, and then, bickering because the other was 'too close'.

Maybe one day, I would have even more memories with a tiny figure engulfed in the big armchair and hearing all about these stories. Yet I would have to come back for that, and first, leave and face everything.

"Speaking of not getting away... I think there's something else I can't escape, and I know it's already been too long..." After Grandpa's sayings, my words sounded witless, my voice trailing off like my gaze everywhere around, and my tongue twisting like my restless fingers as I searched how to put the unsteady beats of my heart smoothly.

Though I didn't have to because Spencer could read me as easily as his favorite books, and seeing where I was going with this, his hand had already reached mine.

"DD, you don't have to... It can wait, we can wait, and we both know you have a lot going on right now."

"It's a lot for you both too, and that's why I have to. I can't let you take all those risks without knowing. It would be misleading you and... lying." And it was a guilt I wouldn't bear on my chest.

I could lie about Douglas's death to a thousand policemen and judges, even to Kenneth's soulless gaze. But each second I was keeping the truth from Blade and Spencer, my ribcage was closing off more and more.

"No matter what, it won't change anything, DD," Spencer reasoned in his soft tone of promise, though for once, it wasn't in sync with the voice of my conscience. He almost sounded like that whisper inside, coaxing me to dodge everything, and his hand even physically tried to pull me back before he finally yielded as I led us on the right path, or at least, to the couch.

Next to Grandpa's armchair and all these meaningful memories, there was no better place to talk, especially not in a visiting room. That was also one of the reasons why it couldn't wait. Everything could change so fast.

Night or day, which one would I want to see one last time if so?

I'd got time to think about the answer since Daisy had left yesterday, but it hadn't changed from that first skip of my heart. It was only about listening to my heart, after all, and as I finally lifted my eyes to his chocolate ones and the amber reflections gleaming like rays of sunshine on a warm day, I did listen, my lips parting with a shallow breath, an ever so faint smile, and the words from my chest.

"Spen... you know I love you?" My voice echoed like a thin stream of water in the silence; however, it already seemed too thick for him to swallow, and I would have surely seen the difficult bob of his Adam's apple if I'd looked somewhere else than his eyes.

I barely even noticed his faint nod, as all I could focus on were those amber shades, slowly blurring until their light dimmed, and his gaze fell down like the sun I'd admired on the horizon minutes ago.

"But not as much as you love him?" he replied, a hint of question at the end, or maybe it was a crack of his voice.

It was hard to know when I was deafened by the one breaking inside my chest, which still led my words.

"No! I... I love you to the moon." I let out a shaky sigh as if it could relieve some of the pressure inside because listening to your heart was one thing, but translating the painful bangs was something else, especially when they were crashing against lacing ribs.

Though it was useless when his gaze lifted again with just a flickering glint of amber hope that suffocated me completely, while the rest of him, from his falling eyebrows to his slouched shoulders, was already waiting for the 'but'.

He knew me too well.

"It's not about that. I both love you to the moon, but... not the same way." Like day and night. "You're my best friend, and I love you like my best friend... It's just that... there's not that spark."

I closed my eyes, bitterly aware that it was upon those words that I'd killed his last glimmer of hope, and it was already too much to hear his empty exhale and sense his gaze dropping down so that he was avoiding my eyes when I reopened them.

"I promise I've always been sincere, and you'll always be my first love, my first kiss, and the sweetest boyfriend I could have ever wished for..." My voice wavered, and soon my hand too as his nose wrinkled up into that too-familiar expression, and I didn't have to see his eyes to know.

My fingers were already reaching out to brush off his impending tears like I'd promised myself I would always do. Yet the 8 years-old me would have never expected I would be the one to draw them, and that thought was enough to freeze my impetus, my hand falling back down and going for the moon pendant at my neck instead. The pendant he'd offered me with all his love on the sunny, idyllic day of our anniversary.

He was that sunny, idyllic day, the warm breeze, the soothing lapping of water, the melodious chirping of birds, the delicate scent of blooming flowers... But it was the darkness I'd always longed for to look at the stars.

"I'm sorry," I croaked, finding no other word, no logical explanation. The heart had its own reasons, and at this instant, all that was coming from my chest was a rush of ripping tears climbing up my throat and behind my eyes.

"DD, you don't have to be sorry for what you feel... or don't feel." He managed to soothe me with a voice hoarser than mine, forcing the tiniest lift of his mouth in spite of the tears at the edge of his eyelids, which were more blurring than mine because he probably didn't see the shakes of my lips like I did with his.

He shouldn't even have worried about me. I shouldn't even have been on the verge of crying. He should have been lashing out at me, and yet, his hand was already sliding to his pockets in search of a tissue.

He was too precious for this world. He was too precious for a crashing mess like I was.

So for once, I willed myself to slow down, at least, on the outside, my chest rising and deflating deeply, even if no air could make out the tight vice of my ribcage, and my eyes blinking in hope to keep the tears inside just a little longer.

"I am sorry, for everything that has happened since... my birthday, when I caught Diane on top of you..." Pronouncing it, even if in a cracking whisper, I realized it was the first time we were actually talking about it since I'd discovered the truth, since ever, as in the whirlwind of everything we hadn't found the time, and maybe, I'd been avoiding it too.

But it was long overdue for him, for me, for us.

"I've been a bad girlfriend, and worse, a bad friend."

The creases between his eyebrows deepened at my words, but before he could protest, I continued,

"No matter the rumors, misunderstandings, and everything, you're my best friend. I should have trusted you first. I should have believed you. I should have listened." The memories were replaying before my eyes, as fast as my words, all these 'should have', all these moments where I should have seen the truth if I hadn't been so blinded and stubborn.

Things could have been so different... I quickly came back to the present, my gaze sliding on all these things, from the small bump of my belly to the crime board filled with the Thorntons' secrets, to Blade's leather jacket on top of one of the bags, and back to Spencer's gleaming brown eyes.

"I don't regret anything that has happened."

'Anything', it was a big word, and although my gaze may have been blurred, it was unwavering as it dived into his.

"But I'm sorry for hurting you like that, when you've done so much for me, offering me a horse, the sweetest birthday gifts, all your love, and... even your promise ring."

If we were talking about us, I couldn't avoid anything either. It was the unsaid that had led us there in the first place after all: the fears for the future, the lies to our families, the buried guilt, my brewing feelings for Blade, and all these emotions I wasn't facing. When Spencer had appeared that day at my window, his teddy brown eyes had been my only point of reference, familiar and safe, and I'd mistaken my need for certainty, mixed with my love for him, as lust. The fact that he was handsome had also contributed to it, of course. Yet I'd hurt everyone in the end.

"I don't regret it either," Spencer interrupted me before I could add another sorry, and I didn't have to ask which part he was talking about, as his gaze flickered between his naked ring finger to mine, above my stomach. "No matter what, I would have never wanted to have my first time with anyone else, and it was pretty good."

A small smile stretched his trembling lips, even though it didn't reach the blur of his eyes as he continued – and this time, I chose to listen to everything he had to say and believe him before crashing to a conclusion.

"As for the rest, you can't take all the blame. I can only blame myself for losing you... If I'd fought harder and sooner for you. If I hadn't listened to everyone's advice to get you back..." The same way I'd just done it with 'should haves', he was replaying everything with 'ifs', each one punctuated with a stroke of his hand through his hair, rearranging his messed curls and the whole narrative behind his eyes.

"If I'd run faster, without putting back my pants. If I hadn't cared about what people say. If I hadn't worried about not hurting anyone's feelings, I wouldn't have hurt you... us... and all of that because of my stupid 'kindness'. I'd been a bad boyf–"

"No!" I cut him off before he could even finish that sentence.

Okay, I'd just promised myself I would let him talk, but I couldn't let him believe that, and I couldn't listen to the denigrating tone of his voice as he almost spat the word 'kindness'.

"Your kindness is not stupid," I said firmly, and in spite of the sobs trying to escape and the tightness of my chest, my voice didn't waver, surely because it was coming from the strong and steady beats of my heart. "It's one of the first things that made me fall in love with you, and it's still one of my favorite things about you. Don't ever change that, please. Maybe just stop listening to people's advice, and listen to your heart instead, because... you have the most beautiful heart I know."

Maybe that was the moral of our story, even if the prince charming with his white horse didn't win the pirate princess.

Though a spark in the depths of my guts, or maybe my heart, was telling me that he would still get a happy ending.

"And you deserve someone that will listen and trust you, someone for whom you won't have to fight, just use your beautiful heart, and words."

A girl would have to be crazy not to fall for these puppy brown eyes after all! These chocolate shades were just dripping sweetness, and I hoped I would see those amber reflections shining brighter than the sun again. I hoped...

"I just hope we'll still be alright then?" I whispered, my voice almost resembling his little one from all these years ago, though I didn't even have the breath for the rest of the question, as the possibility of the answer was paralyzing me.

Would we still be Spencer and Dorothy?

It may have been selfish when I'd just broken his heart with my choice, yet what I'd confessed to my sister the other day was still true. I couldn't lose him.

That was the reason why my gaze was holding on to his downcast features, even as I couldn't read them for the first time in my life – the tears I was keeping behind my eyes might have not helped though – and even when my head and my heart were already dropping in defeat.

"DD..." Like every time I was about to crash, the sound of my nickname called me back, and soon, a shaky hand reached out. "You won't ever lose me."

He wrapped his fingers around mine, untangling them from the pendant I was still gripping, and instead, he placed our hands together in that handshake we'd done a million times before. All of that, so smoothly and naturally, as if the entanglement of our fingers was meant to be, as if nothing had changed since our chubby hands had done it 12 years ago, and maybe it hadn't.

"Dorothy and Spencer forever." Even husky, his voice was still laced with earnestness and sweet promise, just like our fingers sliding along each other, and as soon as our forefingers crossed in the final tug, I did what my heart had been dying to do since the first glimmer of pain had replaced the bright reflections in his eyes: I pulled him into a hug.

It was a quick embrace, but during this long second, I tried to engulf him in all the warmth and love he always inspired me, and he inhaled a long and shaky breath before leaning away, his gaze avoiding mine.

"Um... I should go finish preparing everything. Tomorrow is a big day."

"Yes... tell me if you need anything," I called quietly as he was already grabbing a bag we'd just filled minutes ago, and he offered me a quick nod while walking away.

He was going to cry. And for the first time, I wouldn't be here to dry the tears, which must have already been slipping down his reddening cheeks, soothe the sobs he'd been holding back with the painful nip of his teeth because he knew how much it was hurting me to see him like that, and mend the heart I'd just broken.

I could feel the pull on all my muscles – including the one shriveling inside my ribcage – to run after him as I watched him disappear in the hallway. Yet guilt was holding me in place, wrapping around each of my cells until I was paralyzed, clutching the moon pendant that was still hanging over my heart like I'd once held him, and although the teardrops falling on my hand were only mine, they still carried both of our pains.

Spencer and Dorothy forever, even in trouble, even in pain...That was another of our promises.

We'd shared so much, and before my misty eyes, the memories flowed like the tears, two small silhouettes appearing in the empty living room like to keep me company.

They ran. They laughed. They dreamed. They cried too. After all, that was why I'd begged Grandpa, Raymond, and everyone to bring Spencer with me here on vacation the Summer after his mom died, so that he wouldn't cry alone. I'd never borne the thought of him crying alone.

All of that, to finally end up here... I knew I couldn't have avoided it forever, and it was surely the best place to do it. Yet listening to your heart wasn't easy, especially when you could hear your best friend's past cries echoing inside the vise of your ribcage, the sound more haunting than a deadly bang.

I didn't know how long I stayed weeping like that, but when the two inseparable kids faded and the tears dried, the night had fallen completely, and I instinctively walked towards the back door to look at the sky, grabbing my coat on the way.

I needed some fresh air. I needed to get away from all the memories this room was bringing me. I needed–

"Fuck! Saturn, not again! Don't come clucking at me when you end up as a Thanksgiving feast for the foxes."

Cliffhanger!! 🙈 I think it was already enough emotions and tears for today 🥺 and I had to end it on a brighter note (thanks Saturn!🐔)

But like Dorothy, I can't avoid it any longer... Who's crying? I'm sharing tissues and lifebelts for the Spenthy ship that just sank 🤧💔

Did you expect it? Do you think she took the right decision?

It's been a tough chapter to write 😭and even though it was planned since the beginning, I still wasn't ready. I guess it's one of the hard parts of writing a love triangle and wanting to make the choice heart-wrecking 🙈 But I hope you liked how I've written it so far?

Tell me in the comments! And don't forget to vote ⭐ if you liked this chapter (or cried, or you're just excited for the next one and what will happen to Saturn!)

I love you my little Shooting stars!! 😘💕🌠

Now, I'm going to weep with Spen! 🤧