Kamryn,

It's been weeks since Chris went ghost on me. Every night I cry myself to sleep on accident and wake up thinking it was all just a dream. Moving on with life seems impossible right now, I feel stuck in time. As if I'm repeating my days over, and over, and over again.

My mornings consists of dreading the reality of this not being a dream and long meaningless showers. I'm still layered in my own filth when I get out no matter how many times I wash. Breakfast is nothing but coffee and the therapeutic television that drowns out my thoughts. I used to think my coffee had a little salt in it until I realized my tears managed to still fall even when I wasn't feeling anything.

If I haven't become so consumed into the tv, some of my days will consist of me driving around and losing my purpose. I've even walked a few miles in the wrong direction once and still continued to walk until I made my destinations. People stare at me like I'm lost. Others treat me like I'm incapable of taking care of myself as if I really need help crossing the street or pumping gas.

My nights only set me up to doing it all again the next day. Stripping out of my clothes, balling up under the covers and crying my eyes out over how pathetic I am. I miss him.. sometimes I even forget that. I'm so low right now that getting High only levels me. I can't remember the last time I've felt okay.

   "When ya crybaby ass gon' stop fuckin' mopin' 'round?" August complained as he walked into the kitchen. The frown on his face didn't look like he was joking with me and it only made me feel worse.

   "When are you gonna stop being an asshole?" I replied in anger. My head sunk into my shoulders and my coffee began to taste salty again. August shook his head and chuckled a little.

   "Looks like dat's a neva fa da both'a us." He teased with a shrug of his shoulders. He poured himself a glass of fruit punch koolaid mixed with chips of ice. As he took a refreshing yet obnoxious breath, he smirked at my annoyance.

   "Why is it you've hated me these past few weeks, huh? What did I do to you?!" I cried. He spoke before I could even finish my rant.

   "You da fuckin' reason I lost ma brotha!" He shouted. The bass in his voice startled me so much, I jumped. He set his glass on the counter behind him and tears gathered in his eyes. Nothing but pain and anger pierced their way through my pupils from his. "How da fuck ya want me ta feel? He prolly blames me just as much as he blamed you fa dis," He vented. "He meant mo' ta me than he meant ta you. Dats all da fam I had fa a long ass time an you, you took day away from me."

   "Aug, I'm sorry I-" I attempted to apologize but he wasn't trying to hear it.

   "No, ya not. All you cared 'bout all dis time is how you was feelin'." He cut me off. My mother waddled into the kitchen, leaving Aug & I awkwardly staring at each other. Him, still angry. and I, still regretful.

   "What y'all in here arguing about now?" My mom asked. She poured her a glass of water and grabbed the remote to turn the channel to the news.

   "Nothing," I lied. I sighed before taking a sip of my coffee and joining my mother in watching the news.

   "She went missing last month after not returning to her home the projects of Compton.. Family members told reporters and the police that she had been acting very strange before she went missing. Last night Cara's foster mother found her body in the trunk of her own car. Further details will be released to the press as soon as possible to find out who did-" The reporter said before August snatched the remote and turned the tv off.

  "Heyyy, why'd you do that?" I asked. He stormed out of the kitchen and went straight to his room. My mom looked at me with just a much confusion and we both sat there in deep thought.

   "August!!" She shouted as waddled as fast as she could to her room. Now, here I am. Lost in my thoughts.

   Cara's been murdered.. wow. I know I always wished it on her but I never thought it'll happen and close to the position I'm in. What makes this more surreal is that August obviously knows something that involves her death. I need to get to the bottom of this.

Chris,

   "How's coming back home treating you?" Manny, my Spanish coworker asked me. He always feel the need to talk to me while we're cleaning up the bleachers. Only because we usually work on our own I'm assuming. The silence can get to you, it used to get to me. Now I prefer it over anything. Every since I left Cali, silence has been my best friend.

   "Eh," I replied while shrugging. "it's treating me better, I guess. A lot of things changed. Most of the people I knew back then are either dead or in jail. The best of us got the hell out of here.. and now I'm back."

   "Yeah, well.. I hope things get a lot better for you. If you need any friends to hang out with, my phones always on." He assured me and smiled. Manny is an older guy, looks like he has children but to young to have grand children. I never ask anything because I don't want to give him the right away to endless conversation at anytime so I'm just gonna guess. I'm surprised he hasn't told me already because he talks too damn much. I can't complain too much because that mouth of his is what got me this job. He spoke to the manager after he witnessed me get robbed the second day I got here. They took most of my cash and jacked my phone so niggas are sick right now. I don't even remember my contacts by heart so August about hates me right now, I Bet.

After cleaning the bleachers, I proceeded to cleaning my usual floor. In that process I always gotta walk pass the after school program students in the cafeteria and the administrators in the office. This is both an awkward and embarrassing walk. I'm the damn janitor at a school with damn near nothing to my name. I used to have all the cars , clothes, shoes, and a big ass house. All that shit is gone now. I have to start all over..

   "Mr.Brown," my boss called me as I just walked pass him huddled in a group of adults. "We have a mess in the cafeteria, can you please clean it up?"

   "No problem," I nodded as if I was supposed to say massah' or yes'm at the end. I scurried my ass in the cafeteria and was faced with the debris of an ultimate middle school food fight. Kids crying, kids laughing, kids in trouble. The smell of chocolate milk and gold fish graham crackers mixed creating this childish aroma. They say you surround yourself around the shit that you wish you had.. I would've never thought I'd say this, but I really do wish I had a kid.

The more mess I cleaned up, the more I thought about what if this was my kids mess? What if I was the one choosing a way to discipline the child who did this or what if I created this food fight with my own? Having a best friend who you could pour every you know into. Someone you can trust with your darkest secrets and they won't turn their back on you. I'm ready to have that.. I daydreamed about having my first born child the rest of the day at work. I drowned out the sound of everyone around me and cleaned while in my thoughts.

   "Damn, Son. You lookin' rough there." My father's voice rumbled beyond the darkness as I entered my apartment. Throwing my keys on the table, I cut on the lights. Revealing the infamous De'Mario Smith in the flesh. He felt the need to wear his best black suit and tie. As if I really care what he wears when he speaks to me.

   "De'Mario, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked with a pinch of annoyance.

   "Respect will go a long way, Boy. You should use it some time." he scolded me.

   "Yeah, whatever man. Tell that to the 5 year old me when I used to praise just that one picture of you but never seen you a day in my life.. I thought you were dead man." I replied while I held back my emotions. Just like I did August, he froze and looked away. "So again, what are you doing here?"

   "I hope you didn't expect me to just let you leave and not make sure you straight." He exclaimed.

   "To be truthfully honest, I didnt think you gave a fuck." I honestly replied with a chuckle.

   "I don't see why, you're my first child-"

   "Yet, I'm not the junior. Not to mention, you've been dead for at least eighteen years of my life. So, I'm sorry if I don't acknowledge our relation." I cut him off.

   "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have made it to Cali. Just because you don't see what I do for you doesn't mean I don't do shit at all." He argued. Over the course of this conversation I noticed he's gotten more upset by the second.

   "Nah, I'm definitely sure that I'm the reason I made it to Cali." I corrected him. He sucked his teeth and chuckled.

   "You know, your brother seems to believe that same bullshit. But we both know it's a lie. Don't we?" He claimed. "Don't underestimate me because I raised you to be a soldier.-"

   "Raised me?!" I shouted and sarcastically chuckled. "That's what the fuck been going on all this time? I been alive for how long? and you mean to tell me that I've been doing this shit all wrong? Am I not supposed to be there to watch my kids grow into the person they want to be?"

   "Its not about what they want. Children are a distraction from your purpose." He admitted. My heart damn near skipped a beat at the bullshit I just heard him say.

    "A distraction? And a soldier? You mean a pawn?... All I ever wanted was to at least see you at the important moments of my life. Eventually every moment seemed so important because I wanted you there so bad. But if I knew on my thirteenth birthday when I begged my momma to buy your ticket for the Michael Jackson concert that I was nothing but a distraction to you, I wouldn't have allowed her to spend our last meal for that week. She damn near starved to death to feed me until her next check came. All because I want you to pull through for at least once." I cried.

   "Listen.. I know you're upset. But we don't get that fairytale." He replied.

   "No shit." I scoffed.

    "Our life, specifically, is the hardest shit to live and I wanted my kids to stay out of it. I didn't want this life for you but you couldn't stay away from it. If anything I was saving your life." He claimed.

    "Yeah, right. How? By abandoning me and mom?" I asked.

   "No, by keeping you away from this fucking life. If you would've did right by your moms, You probably would've been something legit right now. I tried my hardest. You weren't supposed to know who I was. I didn't want ties to any of my kids. I know the sacrifices I have to make and kids weren't part of that agenda. But, at a point in time I wanted my bloodline to continue. So, I made you. I knew that if I raised you then you'll have to follow my footsteps or worse, become a possible target for enemies. Which is why I came to the conclusion to raise you from a distance. I moved to Michigan so you couldn't find me by accident. I had your grandfather trade places with me. He was my eyes and ears. You've seen him so many times, you just don't know it." He explained.

   "Papa Smitty.." I mumbled, remember the watchman that happened to always be around when I was in trouble. When he died is when I got into the most trouble which resulted in me going to California for college and taking Aug with me.

   "Mhm, your Grandfather," He agreed. "I'm sorry, son. I wish I could've been there physically-"

   "You had a choice and you made yours. It couldn't have been that impossible because look at D. You groomed him to be just like you. You even let him raise his daughter. If I was anybody else I'd say you picking favorites." I argued. He chuckled and shook his head as he put his hands in his pockets.

   "Use your brain son. How many years are you older than your brother?" He asked then waited for my answer.

   "Three.." I answered.

   "You met me when you were 18. He met me when he was 21. Which wasn't that long ago. I had blood watch over you and let your own mother raise you. He was supposed to be killed, I had my friend raise him to take care of it and when that failed I moved him to Cali and chose a different route for him. I have no choice but to make sure I'm close to him at all times. I succeeded with not giving you my name. Unfortunately his moms didn't get the memo and named him after me. Any enemy of mine will know he's my son just by his name because I ring fucking bells like that. Our Blood had been going through this hell for decades and I wanted it to stop at me. You just had to be nosey and He was cursed from birth. I'm sorry but we can't do shit about that. I don't pick favorites, my blood comes first regardless of anything. I love the both of you, even if you don't know it. I even attempted to give you a second chance. With everyone so focused on D being the next Kingpin, they forget you were even kin to me. But then you get into this dumb shit with yo shorty and somebody ends up in a fucking trunk." He explained.

   "Who? K-kam-"

   "No, not ya shorty. The chick who testified against you. Don't act brand knew, I already talked to D about it and he told what went down. I started to slap him on the wrist but I should be knocking yo ass upside yo goddamn head." He growled.

   "For what? I didn't do anything." I replied.

   "You dont commit crimes that fucking close to each other, stupid. It doesn't matter who did that to her, their number one suspects are you and yo shorty at this point. Now, the streets are talking. You hop on the plane just a couple hours after her death and the last person you were seen with were your friend August who just so happened to be leaving a neighborhood that he used to live in which every nigga in the hood know the warehouse is located there. You want me to be straight with yo ass, now imma treat you just like I've been treating him since you think he's my favorite. I came here because there are mothafuckas looking for you. Nobody wants our blood running through anybody's veins and will go to extreme measures to make it that way. Niggas ain't stupid, they put two and two together real fucking quick without questions. It's called common sense. Yo soft ass called yaself running from a bitch and woke up some people who been sleeping on you since the day you were conceived. All this time I tried to protect you from this and you fucked it up, over a bitch." He scolded me.

   "It was for my kid, your grandchild that could've changed everything for me." I glared at him with tears in my eyes.

   "Where the fuck is the baby, then?" He asked.

   "She said she had a miscarriage. I didn't know until the day I caught the plane to move back here." I vented. "That hurt me so bad man, that's why I couldn't understand how you could choose to treat me like I was dead. That shit hurts to know you're never going to experience the things you had to prepare yourself for."

   "It does hurt, I know that much. As far as your high school graduation, I was there. I owed it to you and myself so I could convince myself that what I did was right. You got into the college you wanted because of my recommendation letter." I stated.

   "How?" I asked.

   "I may Be this bad and horrible man, but I'm still human. I dreamed to be a doctor but I never made it into medical school so I settled for a teacher. I was successful in teaching in prisons or juvenile detention centers. Got my degree from UCLA itself. When I seen you were as smart as ya old man, I sent them a letter and assured them you were a great student and told them I'd pay them directly if they let you in." He answered. "I've been proud of you your whole life and I'm glad you're a lot better than me. I'm sorry I couldn't show you that. But you have no knowledge of this lifestyle to even understand."

   "Then teach me." I blurted.

   "Excuse me?" He asked.

   "I said teach me. I wanna take over with D." I insisted.

   "No," he denied me. I frowned with confusion. "Did you not just fucking hear anything I just said?"

   "I understand all that pops, but I'm a grown man. I can take care of myself, I can do this. Just trust me like you trust D." I begged.

   "Looks like to me, you're jealous of your brother aren't you?" He picked. I took a deep breath and look at him in his eyes.

   "It looks like you've always had more pride in him than you ever did with me." I admitted.

   "The difference between you and him is your reaction is flight. His reaction is fight. In this family we only fight and that is essential to his survival in his position. I have another level of respect for that part of him alone. If that's what you wanted to hear and don't agree with it then change it." He said sternly.

   "I will, I promise. Last thing I want to do is disappoint you." I replied.

   "Good, sleep on that. Let me know when you ready to start fighting." He said while grabbing his hat and putting it on his head. He walked to front and without a goodbye, he was gone.

I dwelled on the conversation all night, I couldn't sleep. So much shit I had to take in at once. I know I've dabbled in the Trap shit before as a side job with Aug but the shit my pops do is the real deal. I don't think I'm gonna be ready for what is in store for me after tonight. I might ditch this childish ass game of uno and upgrade to chess. I just might be shut outta luck this time. Wrong move and that could be the end of me.

————————————————————-

Who's Your Favorite Character So Far?

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]