“You’re going to tell me what happened now or keep brooding?” Roxie asked five minutes after we got in the car.

I had spent the past hour sitting in the ground of an empty parking lot with my depressing thoughts as my only company. By the time she had come out I was on the edge of screaming. I couldn’t control my mind any longer. Everywhere I turned I kept seeing my mother’s face smiling, laughing, glowing, just plain happy. I tried to close my eyes but every time I did that, I saw my father lying in a coffin. How can life be so cruel? I’ve been good all my life but what do I get in return? …a broken heart to go with my lonely life. I needed somebody to hug me and to tell me everything will be all right just like my mom used to do when I thought there was a monster in my closet. Now, the monster was no longer hiding. He was coming at me in plain sight but there was nobody to help me so it was eating me alive.

“Nikkie.” Roxie drew me out of my thoughts. “Seriously what’s going on?”

I kept my gaze in the window looking at the houses filing by. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I was still feeling too raw about it. Maybe if I didn’t say it out loud it wouldn’t be real. I would wake from this horrible nightmare. My dad would wake up healthy, filling the house with his dreadful singing and burning food.

I took a pen and my notebook out of my book bag and wrote the most painful four words of my entire life.

My dad has Leukemia.

I took a deep breath than showed the paper to Roxie. Her foot automatically went to the brake pedal making the car stop abruptly in the middle of the road. Thankfully it was one of those times that I remembered to fasten my seatbelt or I would have been subject to some serious injuries. I turned my head around to look if there was any cars behind us but the road was deserted like usual.

I returned my eyes to Roxie. She was white as a sheet. She looked even worse than I did when I learned about my father’s illness. Her chest was rising extremely fast as if she was struggling to pull air into her lungs.

“Roxie, are you alright?” I touched her arm gently but quickly retrieved it. She was cold as ice.

“When did you find out?” She asked while her eyes remained on the wind shield and her knuckles were strained with the force she was gripping the steering wheel.

“This morning.” I replied. We sat there in the middle of the empty road. The silence totally engulfed the car. Two cars honked at us but they just passed by us once they realized we were not going to move.

“How long?” She finally let out with a strained voice. I continued to stare ahead but from my periphery vision I could see tears streaming down her face.

“I…I don’t know.” I didn’t really want to know. I would have rather not known anything at all. I regretted ever opening that door this morning. I regretted snatching the letter away from my dad. I regretted not listening to him and read it. I regretted everything that happened this morning. This should not be happening. Not to my dad.

A sudden knock on Roxie’s window stopped me from going deeper in the solemnity of my mind. A police officer was standing next to the car with a scowl on his face. Roxie’s face was also turned toward the officer but I don’t think she saw him. She was still lost in her thoughts.

“Scroll the window down.” He said but I could barely hear him through the glass and the rushing of blood in my ears.

“Yes?” Roxie said after she finally snapped out of her trance and did as she was told.

“What’s the hold up? You girls have been standing here for the past thirty minutes.” He sounded irritated. Neither of us responded but as his eyes scrutinized Roxie’s tears stained face, he gradually softens.

“Look, you guys look like you’re having an extremely bad day just like me but you need to move. I’m going to let you out with a warning but don’t do it again. Am I clear?” His eyes shifted from Roxie to me making sure we both understood.  I nodded slightly and let out a tight smile.

“Okay, now go.” He said standing next to the car waiting for us to follow his command.

Roxie reluctantly drove off but after about ten minutes it seemed like her nerves were having the best of her.

“Maybe you should let me drive.”  I told her as she almost hit another light pole.

“You don’t even have your license yet.” Her eyes never left the road but her reckless driving told me that her tears were blurring her vision.

“We both know I can drive, I’m just too lazy to actually go take the test.” She didn’t move an inch. “Besides, we’re not too far from your house but I don’t think we will reach there in one piece with your driving.” I pointed out.

She finally listened to reason and stopped the car. We got out and switched seat. Nobody spoke a word for the rest of the ride.

Roxie’s house was a wreck like always. Her three younger brothers can never stop breaking stuff and playing with their food all over the house. Their mother was barely home so it was up to Roxie to discipline them and make sure they don’t get into too much trouble. After fourteen years of being a big sister she still haven’t mastered the skill necessary to handle her brothers. They were everywhere and only listened to their mother when she snapped.

Roxie was the only one who remembers their father; the other ones were too young when he abandoned them. Basically, they grew up with no father figure which put a lot of pressure on their mother’s shoulder. When Roxie and I became best friends as soon as she moved here in sixth grade, she immediately gained a father through my dad.

Sometimes, I thought that she might even worship my dad. I knew my dad loved her like a second daughter too but at one point I thought he loved her more than me. Obviously, I got over it. Roxie barely knew her own dad, it didn’t hurt to share mine with her since she was like a sister to me.

We went to her bedroom which she shared with Kyle, her least disturbing brother. He was a freshman at our school but he made sure to avoid Roxie and me as much as possible. Neither of us was complaining.

As expected, Roxie’s side of the room was neatly arranged while Kyle’s looked like savages lived there. There was an empty pizza box on his bed which had sheets and clothes all over the place. His books, shoes and half of his clothes were bunched up in the half closed closet. His desks had video games laying on it and even more clothes.

Roxie placed her bad on top of her desk then sprawled out on her bed covered in yellow sheets and a white pillow. She never decorated anything or wear any outfits that were not in extremely bright color. That was her way of showing how happy she was. There was not one thing out of place in her side of the room. A stranger coming inside this room would never guess that the roommates were related.

“How do you feel?” I asked her as I sat on the bed.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” She replied with a snort. “He’s your father after all not mine.”

“But I know you love him as much as I do.”

She stayed quiet for a while. The only sound in the room was our breathing and the rare cars that passed in front of the house. I laid down next to her looking up at the lavender ceiling.

“I don’t know how to feel.” She said so softly that I barely heard it.

“Me neither.” I closed my eyes.

I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up it was dark. I looked around the room, Roxie was no longer in bed but there was definitely something moving in Kyle’s bed. Knowing how much trash was on there I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a rat.

“Die, die!” shouted a voice from under the sheets. I guess that cancelled out the animals. “Seriously, why aren’t you dying yet?” He screamed even louder. I could heard the obnoxious noises of his PSP.

“Kyle, can you shut up now? My head is about to explode.” I moaned while hugging Roxie’s pillow tighter against my chest.

My head felt like a ticking bomb. I hated headaches but I’ve always had one every time something was bothering me but I didn’t want to let it out. My therapist said it was because when I kept everything balled up inside of me it led my limbic system to go on overload. She hopelessly tried to make me talk and act on my emotions but till this day the only thing I do when I feel extremely emotionally is to shut myself inside my mind. I hated it when she was being all sensitive on me it made me feel like a fragile porcelain. That’s why I had spent two weeks acting all super loving and open just so she could think I was following her advice and put a stop to the daily sessions. For somebody who graduated from Yale University, she was not very bright.

“Die, die!” shouted Kyle louder this time from the other side of the room.

I groaned, shoving my head under the pillow.

“If you don’t shut up, the only one who’s going to die is you.” I shouted back at him.

The noises suddenly stopped. I slowly opened my eyes then glanced over to his bed to see what was happening. Even though I was practically screaming at him, I didn’t expect him to actually do it. He never listened to anyone. I saw a hunk of ruby colored hair popping out underneath the superman theme sheet and peeked at me sheepishly.

“Did I wake you up?” He smile timidly at me, his eyes unable to meet mine. Now, that’s weird.

“No, could you just keep it down a little?” I asked.

“Sure.” He smiled then ducked back under the covers.

I stared at him for about five minutes before I shake myself out of the trance. Was I dreaming? I pinched myself.

“Ouch!” I shrieked.

“What happened?” asked Kyle as he came to stand next to the bed.

“Nothing.” I answered looking at him curiously. His eyes had a glint of concern on them.

I pushed myself up then got out of bed. I was aware of him watching my every move like he was expecting me to break down anytime now.

“Ok, spill it.” I snapped at him crossing my arms on my chest.

“Spill what?” He said innocently but I could tell that he was lying to me.

“What did Roxie tell you?” I continued running out of patience with this boy who chose this instance to act dumb with me.

“Nothing. I swear.” I knew he was lying. The Angus boys do not go from hell’s insatiable little devils to caring friend for nothing.

I was about to push the subject some more when a deafening scream came from downstairs. I hurried out of the room but took my time on the stairs. I knew Roxie’s brothers were constantly creating trouble for themselves so unless there was blood I wasn’t that worried.

“That’s mine!” I heard Riley’s voice growl from the living room.

“No, I had it first,” defended Steve.

“No, you didn’t it. It’s mine.” Then I heard the sound of glass shattering.

“Riley! Steve!” yelled Roxie from the kitchen. “You better hope you didn’t break mom’s new vase.”

“He did it!” repeated both of them simultaneously.

From the way those two acts you would have thoughts that they were twins. Steve was growing at a faster rate than Riley therefore he was the same height as his older brother. They bickered as much in public as they do in the privacy of their home, always messing with everyone. You can rarely see one without the other which was another reason why people used to assume they were twins.

“I think I’m going now.” I told Roxie as she appeared from the kitchen with a frown on her face about to scold her young brothers.

“Are you sure? It’s pretty dark outside.” She asked but her eyes were still directed towards her brothers. If look could kill, those two would be rotting underground by now. But, the way I knew them, I knew any rebuking they received would passed straight from one ear to the other without touching any part of their brains.

“Yeah, it’s barely a ten minutes walk. I can defend myself.” Her eyes shifted to me with a tiny hint of amusement on them.

“Pepper spray will only buy you about five minutes and knowing your running skills, it certainly won’t be enough for you to run far away.”

Great, now she’s actually making me scared. It was either stay overnight with those crazy dudes whose only quiet time was when they were sleeping or embrace my small amount of bravery and walk home alone in the dark. I threw a glance at the brothers. They were already fighting again about something else. Riley threw a box at Steve who didn’t dodge it fast enough. Now he was lying flat on his back. 

I’ll take my chances with my imaginary killer.

“I’ll be fine.” I told Roxie then proceeded to quickly get out of the house.