“Go faster,” I shouted at Jill as she halted in front of a red light. “What the hell are you doing? We could have pass it if you weren’t so easy on the gas.”

“Nicole, can you please stop shouting? You’re giving me a headache. I already have enough on my plate right now.” Jill replied with her broken voice.

“Then go faster.”

“I’m trying but I can’t exactly go speeding in the streets with cars everywhere. I know you’re anxious to see how your dad is doing so am I but I’m not running a red light. One love one at the hospital is my limit.” She stared straight ahead, her grip tight on the steering wheel, her feet twitched of impatience as we waited for the green light.

When the first responders had arrived at our doors, they didn’t waste time. They hastily performed CPR before loading him in the ambulance. It was strange seeing all those people fussed about my dad, he was always the stronger one. He practically raised me by himself but never once complained about it. He was the only family I had left. I needed to be with my dad but I wasn’t allowed to go in with him in the ambulance so Jill and I followed them in her truck. The ride was excruciatingly painful and tensed. We were both overemotional women mourning over a possible lost but still with hope in our hearts.

My soul was breaking but I knew it wouldn’t be anything compared to what Jill must have been feeling. He was my dad but he was more for her. He was her friend, and confidence. They’ve been together for so long that I think they forgot how to live without each other in their life. It wasn’t an enigma to see that Jill was in love with my father. She never married or had a family of her own. She dated but they never lasted. I used to wonder why until I became aware of the way she looked at my father. Even when my mother was here, Jill never said anything. I guessed she was one of those true love cases who were happy when their love was happy even if it was with someone else.

But she was about to lose the love of her life and I was about to lose my only living parent. Karma caught up to both my dad and me. He pretended to be dying, I wished for him to die, and we were both about to get what we never truly wanted.

My head was ready to burst by the time Jill pulled up in front of the hospital. As a defense mechanism, my mind had already set itself on the worst case scenario. I jumped out of the car and sprinted through the snow, towards the automatic doors. I immediately went to the nurse station in the emergency wing.

“I need to see my dad. He came here in an ambulance about twenty minutes ago. Where is he?” I rambled hectically to the elderly woman behind the counter.

“Last name, please” answered the woman in a calm and professional manner.

“Craig.”

She typed on her keyboard a few times before speaking again, “Oh yes, Mr. Jimmy Craig. He’s in surgery so you guys going to have to wait.”

“But is he going to be okay?” asked a distraught Jill.

“I can’t really tell you anything. You ladies going to have to wait till the doctor is finish. The waiting room for surgical patients’ family members is through this hallway the first door on your right.”

We followed where she was pointed at and ended up in a room with only three white couches and a small coffee table in the middle with magazines. There was a young couple cuddling by the window. I could hear the soft cry of the girl. They didn’t spare us a glance as we took a sit in the couch nearest to the door. We sat in silent, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

 I had no idea what I was going to do without my father. I’ve imagined leaving home to explore the outside world but in the back of my mind, my dad was always waiting for me to come back at home. If he leaves now, where will I come back to?  Who will I come back to? I had nothing left.

Those three hours I had to wait were the most torturous and suspense-filled. I wanted to rest but my mind didn’t let me. Every time I attempted to close my eyes, I saw my dad’s grave. Jill wasn’t helping my anxiety with her senseless pacing. The couple had left us at some point but I didn’t pay attention. I called Roxie but she was not picking up neither was Ken. My heart quickened when I saw a man, probably in his mid-forties, wearing a white coat. His name tag read Dr. Graham.

“Is any of you ladies related to Mr. Craig?” he inquired, his eyes shifting between Jill and me.

“Yes, I’m his daughter” I lurched up my seat.

“I’m Dr. Graham” he pulled out his hands for us to shake. “I was the head surgeon for your father’s surgery.”

“Is he alright?” asked the both of us.

“We did everything we could but unfortunately we were unable to save Mr. Craig. By the time he got to us, his heart was…”

I drown out the rest of what the doctor was saying. My head felt like it had been crushed under a bulldozer. My father was not coming back. I was officially an orphan. Both of my parents left me. What was I going to do? To start off, I did the same thing I‘ve always done every time the situation became too much for me to handle. I ran. I ran as fast as I could away from this sterile, cold room, from the hospital that kept taking people’s life, and from my pain.

I was so caught up in getting much distance between me and the pain to be at that hospital, it didn’t register in my mind that I ran faster and longer than I thought possible when I was in gym class. All those laps the teacher used to make us do that seemed unhuman was nothing compared to the distance I just ran. I was home by the time I was able to think again. That was when the cold started to crawl up my skin. I pulled out my keys and realized that I was not wearing gloves. Why I didn’t get frostbites was beyond me? I turned the knob to find out that I forgot to lock it.

My house felt different. It was no longer a home but just a shelter where I can find food and a bed. It was empty, lifeless, and irritatingly quiet. I didn’t know that just knowing that my father will no longer what through that door and hug would change my feeling toward the entire house. I wanted my father to be here, watching TV, making a mess out of the kitchen, and joking around. I just wanted life to stop screwing me over.

I went up the stairs to my dad’s room. Nothing changed. It was exactly how it used to be when my mom was here, yellow wallpaper covered up the walls, broken ceiling fan hanging on top of the king size bed, and a frame picture of my parents wedding day hung up across the bed.

I walked to the walk-in closet, my mother’s side had two boxes full of clothes. I assumed it was hers but he never got to throw them away. I started to pack up my father’s clothes. I wasn’t about to do like him and never let go. I began to furiously take clothes out of their handers and throw them on the floor. I was half way down when I heard the sound of a glass breaking behind me. I turned to see a framed photo lying next to the pile of clothes. I crouched to retrieve it.

The smiling faces of my parents holding me when I was a baby was not what I was expecting. They were both looking at the camera glowing with happiness. My mother was holding me while my stood behind her watching over us. It all brought me back where I was a 9/-couple of minutes ago. Tears began pouring out of my eyes as if it was Niagara Falls. If it was a normal day, I would have been worried that I’d run out of water and become dehydrated. But this was not a normal day and all I care about was that my family was gone. They left me by myself to survive in a cruel world. I itched to cry out, let all the pain out but as it was my habit, I bottled it all inside. The sadness, anger, and loneliness was growing inside of me and I had nobody to help me through it.

 At that moment my phone began to vibrate in my jeans’ pocket. I was reluctantly to answer it. I really didn’t feel like talking to anybody but I needed to so I took it out. I stared at Roxie’s smiling face looking up to me in the screen of my phone.

“Where have you been? I’ve been calling you all morning.” I growled at her but in fact I was happy to have her at this moment. She reminded me that I was wrong, I was not totally alone. Roxie and Jill were my family.

“I’ve been busy, there was some things I had to take care of. What’s up with you?”

I took a deep breath not wanting to say it out loud. Keeping everything hiding made them somehow less real to me but I knew that despite how good I was at hiding my feeling, this was not going away. “Dad’s gone, Roxie.”

“Gone as he went to work? What do you mean Nikkie?” I heard the increase anxiety in her voice.

“He’s gone as in he’s dead, he’s no longer with us. He left me just like mom did.” 

Complete silence fell on the other line. I would have hung up if it wasn’t for her heavy breathing. “He…He’s…dead. But I thought he was doing fine. I knew he was sick but wasn’t we supposed to have a couple more years. What happened?”

“He had a heart attack.” I deliberately left out the part of his disease being fake. It wasn’t the time to start delegating blame.

“What? How?”

“We had a fight and…”

“A fight?” Roxie interrupted, her high pitched voice causing my inner ear to vibrate. “Why would you pick a fight with him when you knew he was sick? I swear if it had anything to do with you going away for college…”

“Are you serious right now? My father died. Who cares what the fight was about? I would take it all back if I could but I can’t. I can’t have him back again and it’s all my fault,” unshed tears burned my eyes as I swallowed the big lump in my throat.

“Nikkie, I’m so sorry. I know he’s father. I had no right but I wasn’t ready for this. He was like a father to me too.” Roxie’s sobs made me feel guilty for getting mad at her.

“No, don’t worry. It was my…”

“There you are.” My heart skipped a beat at the person standing behind me. I didn’t hear her come in. “I’ve been going crazy trying to find you.” Jill standing inside my parents’ room seemed odd. I kept on seeing the image of my father instead of hers.

The dam broke, causing tears to freely flow out of me. Roxie continued to talk in my ears but I was tired of listening. My pain was too much for me to be able to listen to anybody else’s. I hung up on her and laid on the floor, my arms wrapped around my pulled up knees. I felt a warm body holding me gently, and patting my hair.

Time passed, the sun set, but we didn’t move. I cried until my body was unable to make more tears. My throat felt dry, I felt weak, and my heart was nonexistent. The pain had become so unbearable that I could no longer feel anything in my chest. “I don’t know what I’m going to do now.” I managed to let out in the dark closet.

I wasn’t expecting Jill to answer. I thought she had fell asleep by now so it took me by surprise to hear her whisper behind me, “You don’t have to. Take all the time you need, I’ll be here for you.”

“Thanks.” I close my eyes momentarily relieved of my misery but it didn’t last. As soon as my eyes were closed an image of my parents beckoning me to follow them. My pupils jolted open. I guessed sleeping will be out the question for a while now.

“I think you should the rest of your search for enlightenment at home because as much as I love you, my back does not agree with this carpet and I can’t leave you here by yourself.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I got up, took my family’s picture out the frame and shoved it inside my pockets. With one last look around, I left the room and my house to figure out a new life without any of my parents.