February 21, 2017

Mediation Center has been awkward to say the very least. How is one supposed to act around the one who used to call them love and now are calling them by name? Because I sure as hell did not have the answer to that.

The past two Tuesdays I would just wait until the last minute before getting inside her mediation room so there was no time left for the uncomfortable small talks. But this Tuesday was different.

For some strange reason it had completely slipped my mind that we were not in good terms anymore. My brain has a sick way of playing tricks on me, and that was definitely the best of all.

I walked inside with my headset on and without realizing it I went past Cecilia, but not without first lightly squeezing her shoulder, something I had done one too many times the year before.

Had it been the year before, the gesture would have gone completely unnoticed by both of us.

But this was no longer 2016, she was no longer the woman I had slept beside so many nights before. In a fraction of a second, I was reminded we were no longer together.

I would have expected her to retract from my touch, yet I was taken by surprise when instead I felt her instinctively relax against my hand, leaning her head closer to my hand.

Maybe her mind was also playing tricks on her, maybe she too had forgotten we were over. And as maybe after maybe went over my head the moment had passed.

"You're early, shocker." She acted as if we had not just gotten lost in each other's presence just a moment before.

I had half a mind to answer in the same tone, but Miranda's voice invaded my thoughts remind me the plan was to get the professor to realize she was not a stupid crush for me, and the only way to do that was to take the high road.

"Sorry, I didn't realize it. I can wait outside if you prefer." I offered trying my best to keep my eyes from trailing down to her lips.

It had been so long since I had gotten an actual chance to look at her. Her face was like a drug I had gone too long without.

"No. It's okay, I think it's going to be a no show today. Let's just wait until their time, and if they don't show up in ten, we can leave early." I wondered if the annoyance in her voice was provoked by my presence or by the eventual no show.

A no show meant we could leave early, but it also meant, I could have a whole hour alone with the professor if only we decided to stay.

And one hour alone with her seemed like good enough a timespan to talk things through, especially in a mediation room-how convenient, right?

I waited until I was sure it would be a no show before I walked to the door to lock it. My actions did not go unnoticed, and before I could seat beside her, she took a defensive position.

"What do you think you're doing?" She had her arms crossed as if she needed some sort of physical barrier between the two of us. It was hard enough having the guts to start that conversation and seeing her so defensive and uncertain of herself did not help my nerves.

"We need to talk. And before you even think of it, we aren't leaving here before we do." I said showing her the key safely rested on the palm of my hand.

I was not surprised when she tried to take it off my hand, I would have probably done the same had the roles been reversed.

"There is nothing left for us to talk." Cecilia said once she realized she would not be able to get the key out of my grip. "Please, don't make me go through this." She was begging, something so very uncharacteristic of her.

"Cee, please. I get if you don't want to talk to me ever again, but at least hear me out." She did not say anything, and I took it as my cue to keep going. "I know you won't like this, but I should probably start by letting you know Miranda and I have been talking."

I waited for a reaction but all I got was a stern look as she impatiently shook her legs.

"I know about your crush on my mother from back when you were her student." Once again, no reaction-gotta give it to her, she does have one hell of a poker face.

"I needed someone to talk to, someone who would understand what it's like to lose Cecilia Bailey. Unfortunately for my situation, there weren't many people available, at least that I knew of." I attempted a joke to lighten the mood, and although it did not work like expected I did get a ghost of a reaction.

I could see a single tear forming on her right eye.

"I gotta say, I've never been one for drugs, but you are as close to it as I ever got to trying something. It was like I was addicted to you. Nothing I did could get you out of my mind." Another tear formed on her left eye.

"I would rethink every moment we had together trying to figure out what I had done to make you leave, and when I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to go to the one person I hoped had the how-to-get-over-Cecilia-Bailey handbook."

The tears she had managed to hold on to while I talked finally made its way down her cheeks.

I was so focused on her reactions I did not realize I myself was crying as well, until I felt her hand gently caress my left cheek. "I'm listening." Was all she said before retracting her hand.

"Much to my despair, it turns out Miranda had as much of a clue on how to get over you as I did." That hit a nerve I was not expecting, mostly because she seemed to have gotten over the doctor so quickly, I did not realize how much of an emotional scar it had left on her.

With a dry sarcastically laugh she said, "That bitch does realize she was the one to leave, right?" Had she really been that oblivious as to how she had led the doctor on for months?

"Cee, I understand how you feel, but I think you should try and see it through her eyes just this once. Yeah, she left in a very nasty way, but she did so because she felt like you were too invested in me already, even if you wouldn't admit it to yourself at the time. She was only trying to cut her losses."

She was having none of it, I knew she thought no one knew how she felt about me back then, but damn!

"According to Miranda, she thought, and still thinks to this day, that in your eyes I am a combo of her younger version's looks with my mother's attitude." To that I got a reaction, Cecilia Bailey was blushing like a high school girl.

I could not help but laugh, to which I was rewarded with a slap on my right knee. "Can you not? This is embarrassing enough as it is. I suppose she also said how much of a stupid crush it was. The one I felt for your mother, I mean." Her head was down as she busied herself with her hands.

"Yeah, she mentioned it." I was no longer laughing, that was it.

"Please look at me, because I need you to fully grasp what I've to say." I said as I gently lifted her chin to look at me.

"Your crush on my mother was just that, a crush. And I get where your fear is coming from. I get why you ended things with me. I get it all. But I am not infatuated by you, at least I'm not only infatuated by you, but I am also mesmerized, hypnotized and completely devoted to you."

I could see it in her eyes, she was forcing herself not to believe a word that was being said. "Damn woman, stop doubting everything I say. I'm in fucking love with you, can you not grasp it?" I said instinctively taking hold of both her hands.

She had her eyes tightly shut while she shook her head from side to side as if trying to take the information, I had just bombarded her with, out of her mind. But I would not let her just pretend to be unaware of how I felt.

I pulled her closer, almost out of her chair, and letting go of her hands I enveloped her waist with my arms as I kissed her, desperately trying to get her to feel how I felt through that one kiss.

I was half expecting her to pull away, but she never did, and I decided that was a good enough answer for me.

She was finally accepting what I had said, so I slowed the kiss so I could savor the moment before I finally stopped. I did not let go of her though, instead I pulled her all the way from her chair to my lap instead.

"You are saying this now, but in a year or two, it will be over, and you will want to move on, and I will be left to pick up the pieces by myself." There she was, no walls, no facades, just afraid as her arms held on to my neck.

"You gotta stop this pushing and pushing because I'm not pulling away from you. You are it, for me, you are it." She was so fragile, so unsure of herself. How could she not understand what I was saying?

"You're on your twenties, in fact, you are in your very first year of your twenties, you have no idea what it even means." Always so sure of everything when it came to what I supposedly did not know.

"Actually. I'm twenty-one now, you missed my birthday. Not that I did anything other than drink my sorrows sitting on my couch." Another foolish attempt of a joke.

"You talk like you know so much more than I do, and yet here you are crying over a relationship you ended for no other reason other than misplaced uncertainty of my feelings."

We stayed there, still, while looking in each other's eyes, and it felt like a silly childish game to see who would avert their gaze first, just there was so much more at stake than a childish game's win.

"I need some time to process everything. Can you give me that much?" She said after a while, by then she was back on her chair facing me.

I would give all the time she needed if it meant we finally got back to where we had left things. "Take all the time you want. I can wait for as long as you need."

I got up from where I was sitting and went back to my desk taking my handbag with me before walking back to where the professor remained sitting.

I leaned down so that I was facing her and decided to kiss her one last time before leaving-I had a feeling it would be a while before I got to do it again.

"You know where to find me." I said with my hand caressing her cheek before I walked to the door finally unlocking it to leave.

"Wait!" I was already halfway through the corridor when Cecilia took me by surprise. She caught up to me and we walked side by side in silence until we got to her car. "Do you mind following behind?"

"Still scared?" I asked while in my head all I could think was how she had managed to go almost a month fearing getting back home by herself. She nodded not really meeting my eyes.

"No problem. My car is over there." I pointed to her left before walking towards my car.

It was not until we were at our building and the elevator had stopped on her floor that she spoke again, "I need to take this really slow, and by slow, I mean as slow as a sloth." I had my hand on the side of the door in order to keep it from closing.

"I know what I'm getting myself into. It took you half a year just to get to terms with how you felt about me, and another shit ton of time to act on it. So yeah, as I said before, take your time, you know where to find me."

I let go of the elevator door and before she could say anything back, I was already on my way to my floor.

Remi