October 6, 2016

Some people talk about how their lives are exactly what they used to dream about. I never was one too think past a day or two. I think in that aspect, I was much like my father who used to live one day at a time.

It was true I never consciously thought about my dream life, although, I did write about my life as it went. Sort of a journal kind of therapy my shrink made me start after my father's passing.

I guess I could say I was having the best life I could possibly write about.

I had the girl, I had the grades, I seemed to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel that was law school... Everything felt like it was going in the right direction. And maybe that is the reason I have been uneasy.

For as long as I can remember I have been what I like to call, a realist. Although my mother tends to think of me as more of a pessimist kind of person—I am starting to think she ought to be right.

What kind of person gets everything they could possibly want and still end up feeling like something is bound to go wrong? And of course, the thing I thought would go wrong was my relationship.

Could I even call it that though? After that gathering at Cecilia's place, and my message kind of making fun of what my mother had said about us being girlfriends all she did was reply with a laugh and a monkey emoji covering its mouth and then we never talked about that again.

I was too scared to even ask what that was about and have her say something I was not prepared to hear. So instead, I let it go. And by let it go I mean I let it consume my every awaking thought—that is, whenever I was left wake and alone.

She did not pull back from me or started acting strange. But I think that is what scared me the most. I could not help but remember when I first mentioned us being friends and she just smiled at me and brushed it off.

She did come around to it eventually, so maybe it was more a matter of time. It could all just be that she felt a little too much pressure from my mother that evening.

I will just have to wait and see what happens next.

Yesterday Cecilia and I were in her bed, I was reading an article Evelyn had suggested might help me start my research program—yeah, she ended up having it her way eventually, I was both in the research program and in the mediation center now—, and Cecilia was preparing yet another extra credits activity for her students.

"Haven't you given them enough extra points already? When will you even have time to grade all those papers? This is like the third one I've seen you preparing since they took your test." I admit, we were stating to act like an old couple—once again, are we even a couple though?

"Remember how I said I would get back on Eve for bringing your mother along that night?" I nodded with a smile forming on my face, I could see where she was going with that.

"I made her promise she would grade my papers for the rest of the semester." Evil woman, I loved that side of her.

I put my laptop on the nightstand, and then did the same with hers, before straddling her. I knew she hated when I stopped her in the middle of her work like that, but to be honestly, I did not care at that moment.

"She will just get her PA to do that for her. I don't understand why you never bothered to get a PA of your own." She was half sitting with her back against the headboard and propped herself up while she looked at me with an odd look.

"What do you mean? I have one. Gosh, what's her name again, Andy, Andrea? I can't remember, but I do have one." She seemed almost annoyed I had implied otherwise, yet she pulled me closer.

I felt as if I was both having an argument with Professor Bailey which had the potential to get heated and having a hot moment with my girlfriend—or whatever it was she called me in her head—, with the potential of turning it into sex.

"No need to get defensive, I'm just saying I never knew you had one. It would have been a real lifesaver if I did know though. I would have someone to go to before Evelyn saved my semester." I had my hands up to show her I did not want it to turn into an argument, but they soon fell to her shoulders so I could pull her closer by her neck.

"You know I hate myself for that." She averted her gaze by looking at the print on my shirt. I held the tip of her chin with my hand while I caressed her bottom lip with my thumb.

"It led us to this." I said before kissing her. I always ended up sucking on her bottom lip, there was just something about it that got to me every time.

"I know." She said taking me by surprise and turning us over to the point where I was laying on the bed under her. "I never realized she didn't introduce herself to your class. I'm never lucky with my PAs, they always end up being slackly at best, Eve always gets the best ones for herself."

"I could help you with that." I said while I helped her out of her shirt. "I mean, I won't grade anything for you, but I can help with the students, if you want me to, half of them think I am your PA anyway."

"And what does the other half think?" She stopped kissing my neck to look at me. She asked that so naively, I could not believe she had no clue what they thought about a student always waiting on a professor outside their classroom like a lost puppy.

I prompted myself on my elbows to assess how to answer her question.

"You seriously have no clue?" I could see it in her face that she did not know, "They think I'm either stalking you or I am your preferred... toy at the moment." There, I had said it—that was when I started overthinking about us again.

"Why would they think you're a stalker? Have they seriously never seen us interact?" She asked pushing herself up and consequently pulling me farther from the top of the bed since my legs were around her waist— Toy it was then, at that moment though, I did not realize she had not said anything about the toy part.

"You know they say shit all the time. Hell, some of them even ship you and Felix together. At least you don't have to hear your crazy sort of fandom talk about you two." I always got annoyed whenever I overheard people talking about that.

At least I was not alone on my hatred over that topic, Amy was just as annoyed—she had a massive crush on the younger professor and there was no denying that.

"You're so hot when you get jealous." And she was back to business.

After that we did not say anything coherent again that night apart from the usual dirty talking.

I did not often sleep over her place, mostly because I felt like it was too much of a headache for me to get dressed, get to my own apartment, undress, and then get properly dressed to go to campus, but yesterday was an exception.

When she fell asleep, I had half a mind to get up and leave just so I could spare myself the trouble in the morning, but she stopped me before I could even get out of bed.

"Stay, you can just borrow something tomorrow." Cecilia said holding on to my waist without opening her eyes and so I did as I was told. I got comfortable in bed and she instantly curled up closer to me.

By the time I woke up I realized my phone had died and so my alarm had not gone off to wake me up in time. And since Cecilia did not have any classes to teach today, she had no alarms set to wake her up.

"Babe, what time is it?" I softly shook her awake because her phone was the only one charged and I had no idea where it was.

She started fumbling with her hand around her nightstand until she found it under her shirt—I had tossed it there the night before.

Without opening her eyes, she handed her phone to me and I saw it was already 11 am.

"Fuck! I so overslept." I threw myself back in bed annoyed with myself for losing a day worth of classes.

"What's wrong? Are you late for your first period?" She asked still not opening her eyes, as she turned around to snuggle against me.

"More like I'm late for my fucking morning. It's eleven already." I did not mind what I had woken up to though, she was cute when she was sleepy, and I did not get to see her like that as often as I would like.

"Since you aren't going anywhere, you could at least feed me." There she was.

"Sometimes I feel like all I'm good for is food and sex." I joked as I got out of bed—did I really feel like that though?

"Not my fault you excel at both." She tuned on her back so she could help herself to a sitting positing in order to stare at me as I looked for my shirt, "There." She pointed its location to me.

"You could at least help me prepare it you know?" I was back on the bed pulling her by her legs so I could get her to fall on her back. "Get out of here, I'm not kissing you until we both brush our teeth." She had her head shaking from side to side as she pushed my shoulders to keep me from getting too close.

I knew just how to annoy her in the morning. I liked how natural it felt to wake up beside her.

After we ate breakfast, we took turns in the shower and brushing our teeth—yeah, I do have a toothbrush at her place—, and changed into another set of comfy clothes—also yeah, I have clothes at hers, just not the ones I usually use for school.

Our day consisted of much of the same from the night before. We stayed in bed most of the day, she worked while I studied, and we occasionally talked about some random thing that had nothing to do with what we were doing.

I think what I liked most about moments like that was how I got to be one of the very few people who saw Cecilia Bailey being all cute and nerdy with her reading glasses and messy ponytail. Not that I would ever comment on that, I know how much she hates them.

Now I am alone, at my own place and all I can think about is how she never said what we were to each other, and never denied me being her preferred toy at the moment.

Why is it that whenever I am around Cecilia, I feel invincible, yet the second I am left alone it is as if I can finally see the small cracks on the wall, just the wall is our relationship­—or whatever I should name it—, and the small cracks feel more like blaring red alerts warning me something is about to go seriously wrong?

Remi

Do you remember those moments? Did you even realize back then how much you made me overthink over the not-such-small things? Sometimes I feel I should just bill you all the money spent on therapy sessions I had to attend to fix what you broke inside me and be done with this little game of yours.