August 5, 2016

My head had been a constant turmoil all week long.

I had bought a birthday gift to Cecilia, and even though I had it in mind that I should give it to her sooner rather than later, I kept making excuses to myself so I would not have to face the professor.

Evelyn was the only one who knew about my inside battles. And it was only because I had begged her to get me out of the mediation program, so I would no longer have to assist Cecilia.

She was disappointed I was risking my extracurricular performance just so I could avoid someone I used to have a crush on—her words. That was how I found myself having to explain to her, I was not that sure I was completely over her best friend.

"You better figure it out ASAP. It is one thing for you to have a crush on her while you were single, it is a completely different thing to still be crushing on her while you are committed to someone else." That was what she told me when I explained the situation.

And as I left her office, I heard her say something else that I am quite sure I was not supposed to, "I can't believe I keep having these same conversations with these two." I wondered when she had had that conversation with Cecilia.

Even though Evelyn had said I could not quit, I still found a way to keep myself from having to face Cecilia on Tuesday. I called in sick and hoped I would not get in too much trouble for that.

By Thursday I was quite proud of myself. I had successfully managed to avoid the professor. I did end up running into Lucy, on Wednesday when I was getting home from campus.

"I thought you were sick. But guess you are just sick of her?" I almost did not get what she meant by that when we met in the elevator, but then I figured Cecilia had told her about my absence the previous day.

"Is she mad? I hope not... I just didn't feel like facing her just yet." I was hoping Lucy would not press on the matter, and she did not—but that would have been better than hearing what she said next.

"She really needed you there. You should have known seeing couples argue for an hour wouldn't exactly be easy on someone who just got dumped the way she did. She was really looking forward to having you there to help her deal with everything." That hit a nerve and it made me feel as if I had been the one to break her heart.

I should have won the award of worst friend ever that afternoon—I should also win the one of worst girlfriend ever.

Cecilia was not the only one I was avoiding, in order to figure out what was going on in my head, and heart.

I kept making excuses for Kat not to come over. And I could feel she was starting to freak out with my sudden distancing.

My brain works in weird ways. And by that, I mean I have an extraordinarily strong sense of obligation. By Thursday that sense of obligation got me to figured out what I was supposed to do.

I would ignore whatever feelings I was feeling about the professor, because even if I thought my time had finally come, I had started a relationship with Kat, and I owned it to her to try to make us work.

It did not mean I could not still be friends with said professor though, right? I hoped not, especially because today I had decided I would stop avoiding both Cecilia and my girlfriend.

It would probably be best to start with baby steps. I left my apartment to go to my first period, with my belongings in hands, along with something else, the wrapped-up book I had bought the professor for her birthday.

But baby steps meant, keeping some distance still, so instead of just knocking on her door, I decided it was safer to do it in an environment where I felt like we both had to keep it safe.

I did the same path I had done so many times the previous semester as I went to her classroom. I knew she would be there, because even if my first period had ended early, she was never one to end it before it was time.

So, I waited outside as I faintly heard her finish her lesson before dismissing everyone—I did not know how much I had missed hearing her voice while she was teaching until that moment.

I got inside the classroom but waited beside the door for a couple more minutes for the room to be emptied.

"Hey. I got you something for your birthday. I know it was a shitty one, but maybe this will make it a little better." I handed her the book as I kept her desk between us.

"You really didn't have to." She gave me a smile as she stood up to get to me. She was clearly going for a hug, so in a desperate attempt to keep the distance between us I looked around for a way out, that was when I noticed there was still one student at the back of the classroom.

I took a step back and just as she gave me a hurt stare I motioned to the back with my head—I knew I was only using his presence as an excuse to keep the distance between the professor and I

"Screw that, as Lucy said, you aren't my student anymore. There is no harm in a friendly hug." She was so different, so more... easygoing. It was like she did not care anymore what people thought—but I needed her to care.

"Like you said, I may not be your student anymore, but I am still a student." I could see the hurt in her eyes. This time it would be my turn to make sure the friendzone stayed intact.

"I'm just trying to protect you. I really hope you like it." I pointed with my eyes to the gift still in her hand as I gave her a squeeze on the shoulder before leaving to my next period—that interaction would have to suffice.

One down, another one to go.

I was done ignoring my own girlfriend. I was stupid to even have done that in the first place. She was everything I did not know I needed, I kept repeating it in my head as a mantra while I got everything ready.

I had decided to cook us dinner as a silent way of apologizing. I could not actually apologize to Kat, because what would I say? I am sorry I avoided you all week, but I was trying to figure out whether I had feelings for my neighbor who just got dumped? Like that would end well.

So instead, I hoped the dinner and the wine—and also, the expensive lingerie—would do the trick.

The dinner went smoothly, and she seemed on top of the world that I had taken the trouble to cook for her—after all, I am a good cook.

Everything seemed to be going according to plan, and I felt like I had fixed things before they had even gotten broken. But that lasted just long enough for me to let my guard down.

After we ate, we decided to watch something as we cuddled on my couch—Netflix and chill sort of thing. But when things escalated and she started taking my clothes of I noticed I would look at her, but, in my mind, it was Cecilia's face I saw.

I kept shaking my head as if to shake the image out of it, but it was no use. So, at some point I just decided to go with it, and let my mind think whatever it felt like thinking. That was my first mistake.

The second one was almost saying the wrong name out loud. I did notice it before I let it out, but I almost fucked everything up by whimpering the professor's name instead of my girlfriend's. After that I made sure to stick to pet names, just in case.

Kat was sound asleep beside me in bed, she had a small smile on her face. Was she smiling because of me? I surely hoped not, I was undeserving of that, and I knew it.

It was already 10 pm and I could not fall asleep. The guilt was hitting me like a brick. In a way I felt like I had cheated on my girlfriend. Worst, I had used her while I was thinking about someone else.

I could not take the guilt I was feeling.

I silently got out of bed taking this journal out of the nightstand. I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. In there, while I cried, I did the only thing I knew could help me find some real clarity.

I sat on the floor and using the closed lid of the toilet as support I started writing.

Now here I am, it is close to 11 pm by now and I am still writing. Still unsure of what to do next. And I am starting to realize, that even if for Kat everything happens with ease, I am nothing like her, I am not just like that.

I am complex, and unsure most of the time.

I am scared. Scared of following my feelings because of the possibility I might just give up someone great for nothing. Scared I am doing the wrong choice and letting some other person, who might be just as great, slip through my fingers.

I am terrified of my own feelings and because of that I keep refraining from moving forward, or backwards, or sideways for that matter.

How is someone supposed to make possible life-change decisions when they are only human, falling apart?

I have never been one to believe in God, but if there is such a thing, why the hell did you give us freewill? Maybe that is just it, hell is simply a twisted metaphor for freewill and impossible choices.

Remi