*Update - there is now a lyric video of Walls at the end of this chapter!

Walls - manic drive

Hope pulled off the freeway in Thousand Oaks to get some gas and something to drink. After an hour and a half on the road, she needed to stretch her legs.

She was frustrated by her memories of her last trip, now two years ago, and sort of wished she had stayed at the bonfire, wondering if it really would have been that bad. She kept thinking back to Ethan's words, "I'll be over there if you want to hang out". She had been so focused on the fact he hadn't said "sit with me" that she hadn't realized he sort of did ask her to stay with him. There was the fleeting look of disappointment as he walked away she thought she saw. Hope once again second guessed herself, thinking he couldn't possibly have meant that or felt disappointed. But she was too shy to even find out. Her shyness really held her back from experiencing more and she promised herself for the millionth time that she would work on that.

She filled up her tank and drove across the street to a Starbucks. Strong coffee, elixir for all that troubles you. Ahh. She settled back in for the rest of the drive but experience told her that she would soon hit Santa Barbara traffic. Once again, she wondered what the hell she had been thinking. She decided to blast some music and try to forget about the stop and go which would shortly be surrounding her.

Hope once again drifted through her memories of the past couple years. Turning sixteen had been something she looked forward to ever since she could remember. However, reality was not as exciting as her daydreams had been: no boyfriend materialized and she wasn't suddenly outgoing. It seemed childish to think that might actually happen. Instead that was the year her parents split up.

Ugh, why did everything seem to come back to that...

Because it tainted everything else, that's why  her thoughts seemed to reply.

High school itself had been okay. She was involved enough but she wasn't sad to say goodbye to the adolescent struggles that seemed to haunt the halls everywhere she looked. Not that she was really involved in any of those struggles, they just seemed to surround her. Break ups, girl drama, boy brawls. She had seen it all. But she wasn't close enough to anyone for it to happen to her. She had never even been on a date.

Once in eighth grade, at a school dance which she dreaded going to, a boy asked her to dance and tried to kiss her. Well, he did kiss her, but it was awful. She didn't like him at all and his tongue was in her mouth. She had cried for days after that and worried that every kiss would be that bad. The worst part was she didn't feel like she could talk to anyone about it. She stopped going to dances after that.

High School, however, had been pretty uneventful in the boy department. She had become friends with Angela which made life more fun. They spent a lot of time at the movies and listening to their favorite music. She went to some football games, which were a really big deal at her high school, and joined the theater club. Hope had joined initially because she had a huge crush on Jacob, the star of every theater production. Not only was he gorgeous, he was really talented. She found herself mooning over him daily. He, of course, never noticed her.

She did like her classes, most of the time. The teachers were pretty good and she got pretty good grades. She had no complaints about homework either. It kept her busy and her mind off of her lack of a social life. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy school, she was just ready to move on.

Now that she had graduated, she was looking forward to meeting new people, even though the thought of not knowing anyone at college made her a little sick. She wasn't sure what she wanted to major in so she had decided to start at a Junior College near her home. It was less intimidating than spending thousands of dollars to "figure it out" while she went. She had been avoiding making decisions about which classes to take but, since it was just a J.C. she figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

As she thought about college, she was reminded that she was in fact free from the clutches of high school. She was almost giddy with the idea. A fresh start would be welcomed after what had seemed like a few years of hell. Not burning, torturous hell, but slowly being pecked to death by a duck hell.

As she drove further from her home, Hope noticed that her feelings of frustration and anger at her parents and lack of a life were being magnified. She was surprised because she had expected the weight of her home life to be lifted. This trip had always been a wonderful escape for her. However, to her great dismay, she felt worse. Her fingers gripped the stearing wheel and she ground her teeth. Why can't I move past this?

Because you haven't dealt with it yet.

Oh, right.

And if you don't deal with it, it will always feel this way.

Great. Her thoughts were now scolding her. Thanks for the support.

No problem.

Ugh!!

Hope needed to change the direction of her thoughts or this trip would be over before it started. She started making plans for how she wanted to spend her first evening in Morro Bay. After checking in with Diane and her mom, she needed to set up camp. She had helped her dad getting all of the gear set up before, but never on her own. She prayed it wouldn't be too difficult. She had a car this time, which was new for her, so that would make sight seeing a lot easier. She decided to make a trip down to the embarcaderro to check out the shops and get some food. The nice thing about a small fishing village was that the seafood was amazing.

Satisfied with her plan for her first day, Hope started to wonder if there might be another bonfire to go to. It seemed like a common occurrence with the group that was there. Now that she was two years older, she wanted to try again, force herself to be open to new experiences. Maybe she would wander down the path to see if there was a bonfire sometime while she was there. Thinking of doing that brought the butterflies back, making her feel a little sick. Driving, just focus on driving.

To Hope's great surprise, she didn't run into the bumper to bumper traffic she had anticipated. As she passed through Santa Barbara, the view opened up and the ocean was fully visible. She rolled down her window to enjoy the sea air. The ocean had always been a source of peace for her. She was drawn to it. After she first got her drivers license she would take a drive to the ocean whenever her home situation would get to be too much for her. She felt like she could think more clearly when she was looking out at the water, smelling the salty sea air.

Hope took a few deep breaths of the very sea air she craved. It did help her frustration, slightly, but she couldn't completely let go of the feeling of disappointment she had toward her parents. Her mind started listing all of the ways they had let her down...

Divorce, selfishness, ignoring her, forgetting her and Brad were even there, silence, leaving, uncaring, ungrateful, no encouragement, no time, ...

The list went on and on. She found herself once again gripping the steering wheel and grinding her teeth, now with the addition of some grunting. Hope blamed her parents for so much, how could all of this negativity not be related to their behavior? It seemed to consume her life, at every turn, and in all areas. It was exhausting and she just wanted it all to go away. She really needed to deal with some of these feelings but she was unsure exactly how to do it.

It will come out on its own if you don't do something soon.

Shut up!

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Author's note:

I know, I know, short chapter. Hope is just right to the point this time, sorry. It's funny how the characters seem to almost write themselves :-)

Notes on chapter title - walls

This song by manic drive is really upbeat, different from the harder sound of chapter 3. It made sense to me because chapter 3 is a flashback to her awkward bonfire, but chapter 4 is back to the present. Hope has all kinds of conflicting thoughts and feelings going on. But the main theme of her life has been to keep things to herself. And in that way she had built up walls which keep others, even family, out. Although the song is about breaking down barriers that separate us from one another, Hope hasn't been able to do that...yet. Foreshadowing anyone???

So, here is the song inspiring Hope in this chapter. BTW there are tons of "yeah"s and "whoo"s at the beginning. You've been warned.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]