Human - manafest

Hope's heart was pounding in her chest as she took in the red eyes and flushed face looking back at her, waiting anxiously for her to give him a response. He had called her name quietly, seeing if she would allow him to approach her. There was obvious emotion showing in his face, he was definitely upset, but she wasn't sure if she was the cause.

"Ethan, what are you doing here?" She finally reacted to him with curiosity. He stood with his hands in his pockets, seeming defeated.

"I, um, needed to talk to you about all of this and tell you...I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me? I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. I was just so confused, and it brought up a lot of memories that I just have a hard time dealing with."

"Well, I can understand you would be confused. I was pretty confused myself. I'm not so sure about your anger though. Will you explain that to me?" Hope wanted to hear what he had to say, but she was definitely hesitant. She didn't want a repeat of their earlier talk. She didn't think she could take anymore of that right now.

"Can we sit down and I'll try to explain?" Ethan's voice was a bit horse, filled with regret and sadness.

"Yeah, here, sit on the towel with me."

Ethan walked over and sat near her, being sure to keep some distance between them. He seemed to know that Hope wasn't going to just forgive him immediately. She needed more information from him for that to happen.

"So, what's going on with you? Because I realize this whole thing is bizarre but..." Hope started for him, trying to get him to open up to her. He was looking at the sand, then he looked over to the towel and noticed the little stones she had dropped there when he had called her name.

"I remembered something, and then I understood what you were saying. I got it, why you would have talked to Will, when that seems impossible." Ethan paused for a moment. "What night was the bonfire, when Will talked with you the first time?"

"Um, last Saturday, the first night I was up here. Why?" Hope wondered where he was going with this.

"I had a dream that night. Will, he came to me and told me he had helped you at the bonfire. He said that you would be ready now, I think he met for me. I mean you would be ready to talk to me more. At the time, I just figured it was a random dream. It was the anniversary of his death so I thought I must just be thinking of him. But after you left today, I mean after I told you to leave," Ethan looked up at her then, "it hit me. That wasn't just a dream. He was telling me, helping me too." Ethan let out a sigh.

"Wow, that's...I can't believe all of this. But why would he come to you in a dream, and show up with me all week?" Hope was still in shock by all of this.

"I guess I should start from the beginning. That might make more sense." He took a deep breath. "I told you how I had noticed you when I was about 15. I never told Will about you until that last summer you were here. I was kinda mooning over you and he sensed it. I guess I always got that way right before you would come up. I think I was just killing time the whole year until you were here.

"So, anyway, Will gave me a really hard time, teasing me about puppy love and whatever. I finally just told him I was anxious to see you and thought I would finally try to talk to you. I had thought about how I would do it for a while, and Will tried to be encouraging. But he still gave me a hard time about it, that's just how guys are I guess.

"When I brought you to the bonfire, he was the one asking who you were. I know I left you standing there, but I was worried that he would scare you away. It was a mess, I know, and I could tell you didn't want to be there. It was really disappointing for me after all of that time. But I wasn't mad at all. Anyway, after you left I just kind of moped around and kept to myself. Will tried to cheer me up, telling me to try the next year and not give up yet.

"That's what kept me going that year, thinking that I'd have another chance. I didn't even bother checking with my mom if you guys had reserved your weekend because it seemed like a given after so long. So when that weekend came around, I was pumped, determined. But you didn't show." Ethan paused and looked right at Hope, trying to convey his emotions over this. He seemed like he was feeling out her reaction so far. Then he continued.

"I was miserable then, feeling like it was over for me. Will, again, tried to get me out of my funk. But I was bent on destruction. I took some beers down to north beach that night, instead of going to the bonfire, and Will came with me. He went ahead and had some too. We weren't really drinkers, I mean I had had some before at parties during high school, but not that much. We drank them all that night, too much for sure. We were both pretty plastired. I'm not sure why he had so much, I was the one trying to drown my sorrows."

"After a while I had the brilliant idea of going night surfing, while wasted. We always had our surf gear in the truck so Will said, 'Let's go for it'." Ethan shook his head and looked out at the water. "Dumbest idea I ever had. We could barely walk but we thought we could get up on a board."

"I didn't even make it halfway in the surf, but somehow Will was able to paddle out. It was a pretty full moon so we could see okay. Will caught a wave, sort of, and was up but he fell pretty fast. The wave was really strong, and I guess it pulled him under. When he didn't pop back up I realized he hadn't attached the leash to his leg. It sobered me up pretty quick because I realized right away that he was in trouble.

"I figured that he got too disoriented in the surf. You get tossed around and it's hard to tell which way is up. And he was so drunk, I'm sure that made it harder than usual, plus being at night. Geez, it was the worst possible combination. I tried to swim out to find him, help him out. But I couldn't get to him. There was no one there to help us and I knew that if I went for help it would be too late. So I kept trying to find him..."

Hope grabbed Ethan's hand as she realized the horror he had gone through that night. She saw that he blamed himself as well.

Ethan was breathing quickly, and it seemed to Hope that he was loosing control of his carefully guarded emotions. He started rubbing his forehead and tensing his jaw. Finally, he took a deep breath and looked back at her.

"It was my fault. I knew it then and I know it now. If I hadn't been so determined to drown my feelings he would still be alive."

Hope didn't know how to respond to that. Obviously both of them had been irresponsible but he wasn't the cause of Will's death. But how do you convince someone who believes otherwise? So she kept quiet, her eyes focused on his and her hand holding onto him tightly.

Then Ethan spoke quietly as he looked away from Hope. "At first, I wanted to blame you, I'm sorry to admit. I thought it would never have happened if you had just come up. But I realized right away who was really to blame. Part of me feels like I have no right to be happy anymore."

Hope felt like she needed to speak up. She knew Will wouldn't want him feeling that way. "I think that's why he came to us, to help you find happiness, and to show you it wasn't your fault. He doesn't blame you."

"I can't think like that. It's been so hard to move past what happened. That's why I moved away, why I got a full time job and took a half load of classes. I needed to keep busy, keep my mind off of it. I can't even go to north beach anymore, I didn't go surfing for about 8 months too."

Hope needed to make him see things in a different light. "Why else would Will try to help me, I might have gone down the same destructive path you were on. But he pulled me away, literally, and got me to see the good in myself." Hope picked up one of her rocks, "kind" she spoke the word to Ethan and placed the rock into his palm, "understanding, respectful, cute, loyal, nice, helpful, encouraging, enough" she continued with each rock. As she said the words, a silent tear fell from Ethan's cheek.

"These are what I saw in myself. I see these in you, too. You have to know what a special person you are to have been that patient and observing of me all those years." She took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her. "I knew that this summer I had to come here. It was as if a voice was calling my name. I needed to come more than anything I've ever needed. When I first got here, I thought it was just to heal me, my sense of who I was, my relationship with my mom. But now I think there was a bigger purpose, you needed healing too. Will wants you to heal and be happy."

With that, Ethan broke. He put his arms around her and pulled her close. He was quiet as she held him, but he was shaking with the intense emotion he must have been feeling. Hope just held him silently and decided to do so until he let go.

They ended up sitting that way, with her arms around his neck, his around her waist and his forehead leaning on her shoulder, for a while. Ethan took a deep breath and sat up straight, looking into Hope's eyes with that soul-piercing look only he could give her. "Thank you" was all he said. She smiled as a return answer, removed her arms from his neck and grabbed his hand.

"Come on, walk with me." She led him down the beach, along the shore, keeping her eyes on the sand. Suddenly she saw what she was looking for. Hope stopped walking, bent down and picked up a small stone. She took Ethan's hand, turned it palm up and placed the stone in his hand.

He looked up at her and asked,"what word goes with this one?"

"Guilty" she responded, " now throw it in the ocean"

Ethan looked back at the little rock skeptically then turned and threw it, like a football pass, into the ocean with as much strength as he could.

He looked back at Hope who told him to choose another stone. He took a few seconds to scan the sand for a suitable rock. Bending down, he made his choice and offered it to Hope. She took the rock, then once again turned his hand palm up, placing the rock back in his hand.

"Forgiven" Hope spoke the word with conviction as she closed his fingers around it. Ethan shook his head in disbelief while Hope put her arms around him, praying that he would allow himself to be forgiven after all.

He held her tightly and whispered, "thank you".

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Author's note

So, now you know. And this is "that" chapter, the one where Bloodstream has a second meaning. That is the heartache Ethan was going through when Will died, and simultaniously as Hope was back in town. That was before Ethan even knew it. That was the night he had the dream

Notes on chapter title - human

This song is so perfect for Ethan, a confession that he isn't perfect, that he messed up. Hope was there for him, and now that she has started on her path to healing, she is able to help him on his.

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