*Update - I've added a lyric video of Fading at the end of this chapter. Be warned, it's a hard rock song, if you don't like loud guitars or that screaming/singing sound, you might want to skip it. But it's awesome so listen anyway:-)

Fading - decypher down

As Hope drove, her mind continued to replay the last camping trip she had taken...

The sun was just starting to set as Hope brushed her hair and laced up her mint green converse high-tops. She loved these shoes. One of her favorite things about not being noticed was that she didn't have to worry about what other people thought of her look. She didn't dress over-the-top outrageous (that would defeat the purpose of not being noticed) but she did like to choose outfits that weren't overly trendy. Hope usually just picked what she liked, not worrying about fashion trends. She didn't need to look like everyone else. Tonight she would wear her T-Swift concert shirt with a green flannel, light blue skinny jeans and her favorite high-tops.

Hope looked at her reflection in the makeshift campground bathroom mirror. Dark brown eyes, darker brown hair and fair skin were looking back at her. She wished her hair was straighter, skin was smoother and her features were more delicate. She felt that there must be something unappealing about her because she never had anyone give her a second glance. She had her crushes over her time in high school, but mostly they were fantasies. She daydreamed a lot about one of her crushes finally noticing her and realizing they couldn't be without her. Totally embarrassing.

She wasn't sure how she felt about Ethan, or him asking if she wanted to go to the bonfire. She couldn't tell if he was asking her to go with him, or just being nice and offering an activity for her to do while camping. She felt her heart racing and her palms sweating already, and she hadn't even gotten there yet.

Hope had always felt uncomfortable around guys, but Ethan was different. Around Jacob, her high school theater geek crush, she was nervous of course but she was more of a fangirl around him. He never tried talking to her so she never had to worry about what to say. He never even really looked at her, now that she thought about it.

With a deep breath and a sigh, Hope decided it was now or never. Her mom thought it was fine to go "hang out" with some of the local kids considering the bonfire was only a five minute walk from the campground. And since her mom didn't provide an excuse not to go by saying no, Hope thought she might as well see what it was like. This was totally out of her comfort zone, but she was invited. She didn't know what she would say to Ethan if he tried to talk to her, she hated small talk and really wished that she had a friend with her to take some of the awkward silence away that she knew would accompany any conversation she was part of. She never knew what to say or ask to keep a conversation going.

Putting thoughts of uncomfortable conversations aside, she stepped out of the bathroom and walked down the path to the beach trail. The campground was lined with large pine trees and seemed to constantly have a layer of fog just touching the tree tops. It was cool during the day and cold at night. Should make a bonfire more fun, she thought as she approached the trail. She was glad she remembered to grab her sweatshirt.

It looked as though she was walking into a forest as she made her way down the winding path that would open up to the beach shore. The wind was blowing but the trees provided a good block. Hope was gripping her small flashlight and breathing deeply to calm her nerves and trying not to trip. Before she knew it, the beach was in front of her and she could hear the music and voices coming from the bonfire. She paused before stepping into the clearing and peered around the thick tree trunk on her left.

She could see the bonfire about 75 feet down the beach. Several kids were standing around talking, with red cups in their hands, while classic rock was playing. Her dad liked classic rock so she recognized the song. It wasn't her favorite style of music though, she was more of a pop, top 40's fan.  There were some people sitting on towels and others in beach chairs. Ugh, I should have brought something to sit on. This thought made her take a step back and she bumped right into someone. She gasped and turned around quickly.

"Hi, you came." It was Ethan. He was missing the ever present Yankees cap and his hair was kind of spikey, that messy, just-woke-up kind of look. He had on a black Rolling Stones t-shirt with a red and grey flannel shirt over it. His jeans were dark, and tight, and had rips at the knees. Huh, we kinda dressed the same, she noticed. Hope opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out.

"Hey, come on over with me, I'll get you a drink" he motioned for her to follow him.

"Umm.. I don't know..." she stammered, again. Why can't I just talk? she thought.

"Oh, no, it's just coke, don't worry!" Ethan reassured her. She looked at him, then felt her heart racing again so she looked down.

"Okay" she followed him out of the enclosure provided by the trees and into the open beach front. Ethan was quiet as they approached the group, walking with his hands in his pockets just a few steps in front of her, but then someone turned to him and shouted, "DUUUDE! Who's the chick?"

This. is. embarrassing. Hope turned three shades of red and silently thanked God that the sun had just gone down. Maybe no one noticed. She looked up to see if all eyes were on her but the glow from the fire made it hard to tell.

"This is Hope" he responded. Then he walked away toward his group and left her standing there. She wasn't sure if she should follow him, so she just kinda looked around again. She didn't recognize anyone from the campground. It must be all local high school kids. Great.

After what felt like an hour, but was probably only 2 minutes, Ethan came back with 2 red cups. "Here" He gave her a cup, smiled, and went back over to his friends. Now what? she thought. She didn't know what to do, this was not her usual scene. There wasn't anything bad, just people she didn't know, music she didn't like and no where to sit. Disaster and its only been 4 minutes.

She sipped from the red cup and was glad it really was just coke. She wasn't sure that coming here had been the best idea. Hope hated trying to fit in with new people. Since her parents had never moved to a new house, she very luckily had never had to be the new kid. After this experience she realized she never would have survived the "new kid" experience. She decided to try to fade into the background and maybe when no one was looking, just leave. So she took a few steps back, then a few more, then stepped toward the line of trees and out of the firelight.

Once she felt a more comfortable distance from the group, she decided to watch for a few minutes. She didn't go to high school parties so she wasn't sure what to expect. This one seemed tame enough, just soda and music. She wouldn't be too surprised if someone pulled out marshmallows to roast, it was that tame. Very unexpected.

She saw Ethan moving through the crowd, talking and saying hi to different people. He seemed completely in his element and she was completely not. He seemed to look back to where she had been standing earlier and then his eyes scanned the beach, finally resting on her. He raised his eyebrows in recognition, the corners of his mouth lifting in an almost smile, and started walking toward her. She smiled nervously. Oh,no, here he comes. She didn't want to have an awkward conversation now, but she did want him to want to talk to her. Such conflicting feelings.

He was cute, but different than the usual type of guy that she found attractive. Normally she liked the blond, shy theater geeks, the type that was really tall and quiet until they got on stage, just like Jacob.  Ethan was nothing like that. He was tall enough, and muscular as well. When she looked closely at his eyes earlier that day, she was surprised by her reaction. There was also a quietness about him, he talked and laughed as she had observed him, but he seemed to keep to himself a bit as well. She really didn't know much else about him actually, other than his mom ran the campground and they lived in a 5th wheel on the grounds. So different from her life back home.

He walked up to her and said "There you are, I thought maybe you left" why would he care? she willed herself to speak up.

"Not yet, but I'm thinking about it" she got out without her voice cracking.

"I think that's the most I've ever heard you say!" he laughed. "Do you want to sit down?" as he pointed back to the fire. Her heart was racing at the thought.

"Um, I don't really know anyone here, maybe I should just go back" She was starting to feel really nervous about sitting with him and having to hold a conversation. Maybe she didn't want his attention after all.

"Okay, if you want. I'll be over there by the fire if you want to hang out." and he turned to walk back. She thought he looked a little disappointed, but then she shook that thought away. He couldn't be disappointed about me leaving.

She was confused. He had invited her, then sort of ignored her, then asked her to sit with him. Well, not exactly, he just asked if she wanted to "sit down", but he didn't add with me.

Hope let her worries take control and turned around to go back to her family's campsite.

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Authors notes:

I know you're thinking, What? Why did she just leave? Don't worry this will get resolved...eventually. How are you feeling about Ethan now?

Notes on chapter title - fading

I think you noticed Hope's anxiety at an all time high. The emotion in the song reflects this anxiety. While the first two chapter songs were more upbeat, this song has a harder sound. It's about fading out the human struggles in our lives. I took the title more literally, because Hope is always trying to stay unnoticed - fading back as she did that night.

Read and listen and you'll see what I mean...

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