CHAPTER 19

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taehyung was ducking away from the arm that was thrown at him as jeongguk playfully launched himself on him to grab the remote. they were inside taehyung's room to hang out, bingeing dramas and anime's to pass times for their day offs. it had been a solid week he was disposed from the hospital and he was extremely happy to be back with jeongguk in their now vast and luxurious dorm, much to taehyung's gratitude. it was true that jeongguk was there in the majority he was awake in the hospital but he still felt lonely, missing his video games and dramas and anime's more than anything. now, he could just call jeongguk to grab him food and then bamb! dramas and chill happened.

"hey, tae," jeongguk mumbled, looking briefly to taehyung whose eyes stuck onto the television, making sure the elder paid him attention before shrugging and continued; tones light and playful. "why did you refuse seeing that doctor for--you know--your mental recovery thingy?"

the atmosphere turned tense and if it weren't jeongguk, taehyung would have fled from the room. he never wanted to discuss this but jeongguk had been brave enough to serve this topic bare severely when taehyung was off guard. however, it was the secret secured between taehyung and jeongguk, and that was enough for taehyung to let out his vulnerable side once a while because well, again, it was jeongguk and taehyung trusted jeongguk deeply. taehyung let out a nervous small laugh to lessen the strain in his voice, "it's not necessary anymore, gukkie. i am recovering already."

jeongguk sighed, defeated. "look, tae, don't take it lightly--your sickness, i mean--okay? when you said it's always been like that, it means you've suffered so much and i wanna help. depression happens to many people and it's ugly," jeongguk shrugged again, lightly. taehyung was sensitive and he must be careful.

then taehyung laughed cheerfully, surprising jeongguk when he launched onto the younger in a big hug. "i already told you i'm fine! don't worry your pretty little head, gukkie. as long as there's you, i'm as bright as the sun." taehyung smiled that rectangular smile and jeongguk knew that he had lost again. you're a goner, jeon.

"oh, by the way," taehyung said, playing the drama again--it was Moonlight Drawn by Clouds this time--as jeongguk groaned sulkily, taehyung paying no mind, "how did you know that i refused the doctor? ohh, don't tell me you stalk your taetae hyung now?" he mocked a reddened jeongguk.

"duh, why would i," jeongguk mocked back, scoffing as taehyung snickered. "i... i haven't told you this, i guess, but... i told sejin hyung about this, tae. he knows about your condition."

taehyung was quiet. "oh? so, sejin hyung appointed me a doctor and he told you that i refused the offer?"

jeongguk nodded, shrugging. "worth to try. it was for the best," he mumbled.

taehyung raised an eyebrow, anger raising. "gukkie, you don't understand--"

"--yes, i understand, taehyung," jeongguk cut in, decisively. "it is for the best, indeed, but we both care about you, too. hell, we wouldn't just throw you to someone's care without your consent. you refused, then fine, we ain't pushing you. you said as long i'm here, you're as bright as the sun, right?" jeongguk said, trying to imitate taehyung's childish voice pitifully, "then i'll just stay by your side until you fully recover. take your time, geez."

jeongguk then grabbed the remote to switch the folder in taehyung's laptop which was projected to the television and replaced the drama with Goblin instead. at this, taehyung who was still smiling meekly immediately yelled, "i'm still watching it!" and tried to fight for the remote back but lost to jeongguk.

taehyung scoffed sulkily, huffing his bangs and pouted. "you just don't wanna watch bogummie hyung, do you," he mumbled as jeongguk elbowed him as reply.

---

taehyung and the rest of the members were back to their packed schedule now. their latest comeback was a hit and their lovely fans had welcomed them delightedly, demanding for concerts and more fan meetings and this seriously brought their popularity to a whole different new level. they had respectively won several awards last year, and the only thing bts members dreamt of for this year was to be better, better, and better. they hadn't yet released a completed album for wings but they had finished shooting for the spring day and not today's MV which turned out to be extremely pleasant of an outcome, much to their liking.

taehyung still remembered when they were all shaking as the cold winter breeze bit their skin whilst they were shooting, the place was very beautiful so it helped to ease their minds for a while, forgetting the cold. but their efforts were worth it all. spring day served as a final wind-up of the story from their previous album's series where they bid goodbye to their youth, wrapped in a truly beautiful concept. following a frigid winter of teen angst and uncertainty, spring came as a new beginning to fill with new life and new stories began. they'd managed to pull out some literary references to tie into the plot such as Omelas Hotel from a short story that stood as a false utopia. in which they finally chose to leave their youth behind and moved forward into the future by boarding the train to spring, each of them facing their own fears and insecurities along the way; wherein the omelas hotel room was the center of their nostalgia they have trapped themselves within in order to preserve the bliss of youth forever.

what made taehyung loved it so much was that the story wasn't all hopeful. they portrayed sadness, reluctance, and longing as they began to move forward, away from the familiar and on to something new. spring day was about loss, missing someone, and carrying on. there was a reminder that memories of the past will always be there in a hopeless cycle—like the washing machine featured or the hopeful choice that they still could mourn in their own way, move on, and truly live. it was deep, emotional, and taehyung could interpret the story with his own personal experiences that made it truly eloquent. for when taehyung was told to put his ear on the railway to listen for the coming train, full with hopes; the feelings were familiar when he was waiting for his train to bring him to seoul, to bring him away from his parents and youth and past, to move on and to live his life with his way, to make them proud of him, and to forget his failures.

yes, spring day was a really sad story for taehyung, but what was sadder was that it was only story, a concept, not a reality. if taehyung were V, one of the members in the MV's, he might've moved on and forgotten all his past, overcame his fears and problems, leaving a cheerful life with his bangtan family. but had that been happened in his real life? once again, he was reminded how he was still the old taehyung that  was always hiding inside a closet.

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taehyung truly felt fortunate as the practices were lessened and now they were focusing in concerts and tours,  because he was still a bit traumatic with some accidental wrath coming from his hyungs which caused by his lack of health, both mentally and physically before. they had deemed his performance okay, for now, and they'd already remembered the moves and lyrics by instinct now by how much they'd practiced. but the thing was, aside from different concepts, different songs, and different dances, taehyung also felt incompatible behaviours from some of other members. he was used to everyone, sans jeongguk probably, ignoring him, letting him do his way but the constant stares--whether it was worried one or whatever--it made taehyung felt uneasy. it was as if they were gravitated to his body. looking back at namjoon, jimin, and yoongi's recent change behaviour, they were mostly worrying about him, working hard amid his recovery; yet they only made taehyung felt blamed and cornered for some reasons.

when taehyung lost his bottle, one of them then would bring him another quickly before taehyung could ask jeongguk to let him drink the younger's. or when taehyung was sweating too much, they would ask the stuff to bring him a new towel immediately. or when they were eating together, the four, including jeongguk, would pester taehyung by giving him extra food. this was the most troublesome for him because it actually lessened his appetite. and these also happened in the dorm, unfortunately. it wasn't that taehyung wasn't grateful, it was just simply strange for being treated like that after all that happened. taehyung just wanted to shout for the to stop, that this new attention to him didn't make him feel uncomfortable, yet he couldn't. the satisfied looks coming from their faces after taehyung accepted one of their offers were what stopped taehyung. taehyung though, that maybe, these changes were for the better; that taehyung could trust them again; that they were back to before again. it was only time which needed, for them to prove themselves.

(jeongguk's scowl and jealous sulk may or may not helped taehyung, too.)

---

"tae, try this," jeongguk said, putting whole of his popsicle inside his mouth, challenging taehyung with a smug face. he looked like a stupid bunny with stuffed face, but taehyung was just the same species as jeongguk--a competitive little shit.

taehyung did the same, successfully stuffing his popsicle inside too, proudly showing it to jeongguk. the brain freeze and the pain on their teeth made them giggled after pulling out the popsicle. "gross," jeongguk hissed, playfully. he brushed his hand on taehyung's pants, earning a surprised yelp from the elder who wiped his dirty hand to jeongguk's jacket as revenge. and so they played like that, dirtying each other, rolling around the wooden floor of their practice room, like five-year-old kids, totally forgetting their surrounding. it was until a fake cough pierced through the giddy atmosphere, cutting through the laughter, that taehyung and jeongguk looked up to an unimpressed jimin with a raised eyebrow when taehyung realised how compromising their position was--jeongguk's weight fully on top of taehyung's body, hands on taehyung's side, whilst taehyung's hands on jeongguk's shoulders. they immediately separated themselves and sat at a respective distance.

jimin cleared his throat again, giving his full attention to taehyung. "taehyungie, can we talk for a sec, please?"

taehyung glanced at jeongguk who was staring daggers on jimin, he still didn't know why jeongguk was so adamant on hating jimin now. he stood and walked towards jimin instead. being rather carefully, as he was a little afraid that the last time he'd been talking with jimin alone would happen again. "s-sure, chim."

jimin smiled brightly and intertwined their hands, taehyung flinched by the gesture. "i mean, just the two of us," jimin purposefully said to jeongguk, gazes were still on taehyung. the youngest huffed and left the room. taehyung wished he didn't go too far.

"taetae, i've been wanting to apologise to you," jimin looked nervous, fidgeting with his small stubby fingers. "you've always been with jeongguk these days, i didn't get to do it. so..." suddenly jimin bowed, surprising taehyung. "i'm really sorry for what i have done to you that time! it was horrible! as your best friend, i should have noticed what was up first and be there for you! it was wrong of me to confront you like that!"

"j-jimine, you don't have to bow like that..." taehyung tried to straighten jimin and was shocked when the elder looked back at him with teary eyes. "h-hey, don't cry..."

"i am so glad that you're okay now," jimin continued. "it hurt to see you lying in the hospital. i've been so worried about you, tae, you have no idea. you're not mad at me, are you? please don't be mad at me!"

"jiminie..." taehyung sighed. "i'm not mad, it's okay, i forgive you."

"really?" jimin asked, hopeful and taehyung smiled reassuringly, nodding along.

"then, you have to be more open with me, taehyung," said jimin, suddenly decisive. "i am you best friend, i deserve to know what happens with your life. we've promised before not to lie to each other right?" taehyung nodded. "well, you seemed like you are breaking it now."

at that, taehyung shook his head frantically. "no, jimin! i wasn't lying because there was nothing to tell about! trust me! that time, i was overworked and tired so i fainted! i didn't tell you that because it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't important!"

"then what about the bruises?" jimin asked, demanding.

"i fell when i was practicing our dances. i was too tired to tent 'em," taehyung lied.

"that was reckless of you, tae."

"yeah, i know... i was... really into practice... so i didn't really notice..."

jimin looked unconvinced but he let go. "you know, i was jealous that you're always with jeongguk, or namjoon hyung, or yoongi hyung now. it's like you don't wanna be friends with me anymore."

taehyung went more frantic. since when had jimin been thinking like this?! the guilt that seeped through his veins felt like cold water. "t-that's not true! why would you think like that?! i still want to be friends with you, jimin, we're best friends!"

jimin looked sad. "well, can't help it. it's like they steal you away from me. and you let them do that... 'cause whenever i need you the most, you're with the others, it's frustrating. it almost felt like... you were leaving me." insecurities were uncovered from the words.

the guilt was doubled by now. the last thing taehyung wanted was to leave jimin alone. he didn't distance himself from jimin, it was because they were all busy and preoccupied with schedules, and that everyone apparently started to stick to him whenever he could. but, thinking again, shouldn't it be jimin who felt guilty for distancing himself from taehyung? back when taehyung was still filming for hwarang, they barely talked again and this was the result of his doing, that a barrier was created between them. so why taehyung felt so guilty now? that he deserved this--that jimin was angry at him. maybe jimin crying was what made taehyung weak.

eyes turning teary, taehyung warded, "you know it's not true... why would they steal me? we live together, jimin, you can still talk to me whenever you need me..." he didn't say anything about what he felt when he was filming his drama, it hurt to tell, jimin should realise it himself.

jimin scoffed. "but don't you notice how protective jeongguk is to you?! just admit that you barely have time for me! you don't refuse jeongguk, letting him corrupt you. isn't it your fault that we don't even play game together anymore?

"listen, taehyung-ah. when you came here to seoul, when you had no friends or anyone else, who did you have? me, i was the only one to help you. and you're planning to leave me now?"

a lone tear fell from taehyung's eye. "i--i... why would you say that...?" taehyung didn't want to be blamed, he really didn't want to be blame, but was it really true, what jimin said to him? jeongguk was protective and taehyung was okay with it, but he didn't spend too much time with jeongguk, or did he? was jeongguk corrupting him? jimin and he didn't play together that much anymore, so it must be true. then... it was taehyung's fault, wasn't it? should he apologise? or shouldn't he? jimin looked mad, though, but he didn't punch him like his father did. was jimin mad at him, or was he not? taehyung really just didn't want to be blamed.

jimin sighed, pulling taehyung in a hug. "just promise me you won't leave me?" he whispered softly, stroking taehyung's back. "and you'll spend more times with me, your best friend?"

at that, taehyung relaxed, nodding meekly. maybe jimin wasn't that angry like last time.

"i need words, taehyung, i need to make sure," jimin said, decisively.

taehyung's breath hitched. "yes, jimin..."

jimin chuckled. "see? it's easy. you just have to understand, tae, being best friends means loyal to each other. you were away filming your drama that time and i barely saw you. but when you were home, i was there at the dorm, right? i was always there for you--i know what you were thinking--it wasn't my fault that we're not as close as before. you could still hang out with me, i waited you know, but you just weren't there... you neglected me...

"so, i think it was fair if i was mad at you that time, demanding what happened to you, wasn't it? you're my best friend, taehyung, and you were sick so i got worried! whose fault is that i was mad for worrying about you?"

taehyung was silent but jimin stopped talking, urging taehyung to answer him. "i-it's my fault...?"

jimin laughed. "aw, you're so cute, taetae, but i didn't ask to be asked back. i need answer."

taehyung gulped. jimin's tone was scary... like his father's when he was angry. someone was angry when they were wronged by others, his father told him once, it was bad to make people angry.

"i-it's my fault. i'm sorry."

"why are you sorry, taehyung?"

"for making you worried, for not telling you, for neglecting you," taehyung said, clinging to jimin's shirt.

"that's right, taetae, you're forgiven," jimin said softly and taehyung felt like lighter.

"you believe me, don't you?" taehyung nodded.

"we're best friends, right? only  I  am your best friend, right?"

"y-yes, only you are, jiminie."

to be continued

do not blame me for this lol this is actually gets darker