today is namjoon's chapter! who you think would be the mvp for the next one?

chapter 21

---

he smashed both of his palms onto his cheeks as hard  as he could, although the sting he felt afterwards was way still too less than the disappointment that had surged deep in his heart. he had been in his studio for far too long to be healthy, smashed more than two cups because of the frustration, still no inspiration nor idea had bothered to fly through. things hadn't been the best for the past months, true, but he didn't know that he was this physically and emotionally drained.

he was afraid--what if the song wouldn't make into the perfection he wanted it to be; what if the producers wouldn't accept the song; what if his lack of inspiration had set back the group from the next comeback? yoongi and hoseok and everyone must be all ready and were doing their best already. but why couldn't he?

he then remembered feeling so joyful last night, having to engulf a smaller body on top of the comfy bed, dozing together. the notes he wrote turned high on the key of F to G, creating a soft melody that spoke of happiness. the whole world was yesterday, but it felt like the only thing he could think of until now. but was it all just coincidence? the way taehyung smiled at namjoon when the older planted a kiss on his forehead? he refused to think so. but the butterflies on his stomach, it was just namjoon's own feelings, he wouldn't know. and once again the song stopped on an A minor as a sudden lump of sadness decided to fill his chest.

namjoon truly missed taehyung. the guilt was everything he felt but when taehyung called him, or simply needed his help, or just stayed around him, namjoon felt like a flower. ready to bloom as the providence to make the younger smile and be happy. and the lightness was back again as he wrote the music more fluently.

but again, namjoon was also still afraid. he wouldn't forgive himself if he hurt taehyung anymore. he knew his behaviors back then were impulsive, he was always like this behind the walls of his studio, no confidence and was a big whole mess. perfection was what he always seeked and he never knew if it was his pure unwillingness or that he was actually unable to accept changes and compromises that didn't come on his way. he was impulsive and his and taehyung's broken relationship became one of the damages he left.

today was really not the best one so far. they were going to have a comeback that was all about loving yourself, but heck, he even still couldn't do it himself, not when he couldn't fix the problems he had. what hope could he have for thinking that this  was to be the start for a change to the better? honestly, namjoon felt like there were actually more questions than answers for this.

what was perfection? what was happiness? were both just the same? what could he gain from perfection? could he find happiness without perfection, or could he find perfection beneath happiness? and what was he searching for exactly?

serendipity, the act of finding something valuable or delightful when you are not looking for it. namjoon was lost, lost in between those beautiful rectangular smiles that always supported him, those hugs that always embraced him whenever he was stressed, and those lively, full of expression orbs that always looked up and expected so much from him. he was still lost in haze and confusion in the form of his problem, but he realised that he was more broken the time taehyung was not around him. he had his spaces to create his 'perfection' but a part of him felt like missing, only he needed a certain someone to fill that part. perhaps taehyung was the happiness he found coincidentally in the middle of the journey when it was least expected. maybe namjoon had never planned to fall so fast but he was in too deep anyway, he had found his muse.

and so the song continued.

---

"why... why were you cuddling me throughout the night, hyung?" taehyung asked shyly, bangs covering his eyes bu namjoon knew taehyung was looking down on his arm that was thrown on the smaller's waist. they were used to cuddling when one of them were feeling under the weather, but it had been many months ago. namjoon knew his affections towards taehyung might be too forward and this talk and confrontation, even with how many times he had predicted in his head, was he not ready to bring up.

"taehyung-ah..." namjoon started, voice broken with guilt. things hadn't been good at work yesterday and being faced to his other problem was a kick to his mental state. "i'm so sorry... for everything i did before... i regretted it so much you don't know..." he immediately unwind his arm from around taehyung so fast as if it was poisonous. "i-i know i shouldn't have come to you last night but--no, it doesn't matter... i'm just... so sorry i wish things would be back like how it used to be but maybe i expected too much..."

namjoon sat up and was about to stand before a hand caught up with his movement, causing him to sit back on the bed. he stared, surprised, at taehyung who looked at him with eyes filled with sadness and regret? or was it pity that he had seen the kim namjoon having a breakdown?

"a-are you being serious with the a-apology?" taehyung asked timidly, looking so vulnerable. "did you... truly r-regret it?"

namjoon nodded furiously, "yes, i was serious and i did regret it. i couldn't sleep at night when you were away at the hospital, i missed you, tae."

"then why did you do it?" taehyung's voice broke, tears brimming on his eyes as he remembered. "i-it was... i was so embarrassed, hyung... i know i was really bad back then b-but i didn't mean to fall right there, i-i never expected you to just push me off like that..."

of fucking course, namjoon knew, taehyung never meant to fall and hurt jin, it was all accident, but he really just had to stupidly blame the younger for all the stress he had that day, of fucking course.

"i know it was really, really wrong of me to put the blame on you. we were all tired and everyone was one second close to snapping, i was, too. but it wasn't an excuse, that i really hurt you so bad. i'm so sorry, and i really meant it. i would never ever do that to you and to anyone again, taehyung-ah, i promise you that," tears brimmed on namjoon's eyes, making everything blurry on his sight.

namjoon was ready to give up and prepare himself to wallow in his guilt when to his surprise, taehyung softly and carefully hugged him. a tear fell on his cheek with how endearing and comforting the gesture was to namjoon.

"i forgive you, hyung..." taehyung said, and namjoon almost couldn't believe his ear.

the feeling was overwhelming, he really wanted to be forgiven just now but then suddenly it felt like he didn't deserve it. he had humiliated the younger in front of everyone, he had hurt taehyung so badly, "b-but, no, tae--" namjoon was speechless. "don't--"

"no, hyung," taehyung cut in. "you have apologised sincerely, you've realised your mistakes, and i seriously can't hold longer to forgive you. it doesn't matter, now or latter, i would still forgive you because you're my hyung... i was so hurt before but you said you want to go back to the things how it used to be. i missed you, too, hyung, and everyone. and if i were not to forgive you then when would we start to work to go back to those times again?"

"it might be too soon and i'm still not ready to open up completely... but please, hyung," taehyung pleaded softly. "don't turn your back on me again..." prove me how sorry you are, and show your sincerity.

and namjoon could only nod, shedding  more tears and hugged taehyung back tightly as reply. how could he have done something so terrible to an angel like taehyung?

You are my blue mold
That saved me
My angel, my world

they spent the rest of the morning cuddling until jeongguk came barging inside and squished himself between namjoon and taehyung.

---

"it's good... but i feel like there's still something amiss in there," one of the producers said. namjoon looked frustrated, brushing the hair on his nape aggressively as he stared at the computer.

taehyung knew namjoon had worked so hard for this song, staying up for more than three days. he didn't know what more should the elder work to make the producer satisfied. if he were the one being presented of the song, he would agree wholeheartedly with it. he really wanted to help but he had missed lots of practice that he didn't even dare to speak.

now all the producers and the other members were all discussing, with taehyung occasionally answered when he was asked. a few hours later, namjoon was looking even more concerned and messy and just down. but at least they had moved to a conclusion and knew which part needed to be perfected for the leader to work on. then they all left namjoon be, as the latter had promised that he could work it as perfect as it was expected.

taehyung stayed behind, though, bringing a cup of coffee secretly for the elder who was really startled as he ghostly walked to stand next to him. namjoon shot him a very meaningful look that showed how grateful he was.

sitting on the corner of the room with legs pressed on his chest, listening for the song for probably the hundred times already, taehyung never once felt bored; the song got better and better, and taehyung was so proud of his leader. the lyrics had got more beautiful and meaningful. and maybe it was only taehyung's imagination, but he could see the dimply smile staying on namjoon's face all along the night.

I am your three-colored cat
I came to see you
Love me now touch me now  

The stars are floating.
We're flying.
It's never a dream.
Do not shake my hand.
Now that we are.
Let me love you  

---

they were strolling through the isles with a trolley full of monthly groceries that jeongguk had been so helpfully pushed and taehyung monitoring the things necessary to buy beside him. they both had volunteered to go buying groceries because taehyung had whined that he could die in boredom so jeongguk had gladly taken the opportunity to go outside just the two of them.

as usual, whenever they went out, taehyung would talk his ears off and jeongguk, being the whipped man he was, would listen tentatively every single words spoken. he made this their habits because taehyung must let out all his emotions to prevent the prior episodes of mental breakdown in case something bad were to happen and he couldn't handle it, and for jeongguk, he just loved to hear taehyung talk. usually, jeongguk who mostly was more less emotional, felt like his emotions were being multiplied many times just listening to taehyung.

yet tonight, it seemed like jeongguk didn't know whether to feel angry or happy for the elder.

"i was just so happy, jeonggukie. there's a plate of breakfast in front of my door every morning, namjoon snuggled me to bed and he even apologised! i can't wait for things to be back like before! well maybe not this fast... i don't want to expect too much because things often never work out they way i wish for them to be instead, haha... but i'm feeling so content right now, gukkie!" taehyung ranted and ranted, a pink hue visible on his chubby cheeks.

jeongguk looked away. he was always  happy whenever taehyung was happy, and now he should be. but why did it feel like there was a stone inside his stomach? and why did he want taehyung to stop talking so badly? jeongguk huffed angrily, he shouldn't be like this, even if he really couldn't help it.

taehyung then seemed to notice jeongguk's uneasiness, a teasing smile appeared on his face. "oh~ is my jeongukkie jealous? are you afraid the hyungs are gonna steal me from you?" taehyung wrapped his arms around jeongguk's waist, stopping the younger from breathing all of sudden.

yes, and yes. jeongguk answered inwardly.

taehyung poked jeongguk's side for the lack of answer but jeongguk knew he had flushed red from the teasing comment , so it was taehyung's win all along.

"shut up and stop poking me there, you little--" jeongguk struggled out from the grip and poked taehyung back. it was fortunate that there were not many people to be disturbed by their annoying loud ass laughter. "if you don't right now, i wouldn't buy you ice cream until next week, taetae," jeongguk threatened, face redder from the poke battle.

taehyung paled from it, it was comical how fast his expression changed. the elder immediately pouted and begged for forgiveness, saying that his jeonggukkie was so cruel to separate him from his strawberry ice cream. but they both knew jeongguk was not serious, how could he when he was already this whipped to a certain adorable boy.

in the end, they brought their ice cream with more snacks along, wide grins on their face throughout the journey back to the dorm, with taehyung looked especially so pleased tonight.

taehyung was easy too please, jeongguk thought. even if jeongguk only came bringing him ice cream, taehyung would still be the happiest as if no one had ever done that to him. and maybe that was not a complete guess, jeongguk was afraid.

there were too many things he would love to do with taehyung, but it was fine, because all they got were times. it was fortunate that jeongguk loved spoiling taehyung, and he planned to do a hell lot of it from now on because well, taehyung really deserved to be treated as such after everything he went through.  

jeongguk may be a bit jealous this time (a lot) but he could promise himself for sure that he would be the one to bring the most happiness to taehyung.

I'm afraid of as much as I can.
Fate keeps us jealous
I'm as scared as you are.
When you see me
When you touch me

The universe moved for us.
There was not even a slight discrepancy.
You and my happiness were scheduled.
Cuz you love me
And I love you

---

it was late.

yoongi kept flipping through channels, from late night dramas, movies, a short clip of breaking news, or just anything he could find in television.

jeongguk and taehyung hadn't been home.

the only source of light in the room was from the television, it was a clear indication that everyone had gone to their bedrooms, sleeping or almost asleep.

  jeongguk and taehyung hadn't been home for three hours.

yoongi straightened his legs that he put on top of the pillow, trying to find any comfortable position on their sofa. somehow he still couldn't bring himself to feel at ease.

jeongguk and taehyung just went to grab some groceries but why this late.

he hadn't slept for two days, yet no trace of fatigue or even lethargy was left on his body. yoongi was wide awake, so alerted by the smallest sound or movement around him.

when would taehyung be home? had jeongguk driven him safely? were they on their way already--

"hyung, why aren't you sleeping?" yoongi looked up to see jimin with an eyebrow raised high, leaning on the wall in front of him. the younger was in his pajamas, probably just finished doing his night routines.

"not sleepy," yoongi said, shrugging. he leaned his back on the sofa as casual as he could muster not to show how tense he was actually. he was planning to pretend to sleep for jimin to finally leave him, instead he felt a dip on the sofa, indicating that jimin had sat on beside him. the room was tranquil for a while.

"you're different these past few days, hyung," jimin said, cutting in the silence.

yoongi only hummed to ask back what did the younger mean in which the latter replied, "you've been very soft to taehyung lately. it is honestly so sweet to watch you caring for someone that visibly."

yoongi didn't reply, he wished that no one would notice but guess he was being more careless.

"hyung..." jimin continued. "do you perhaps... like taehyung?"

"just shut up, jimin," yoongi said, he was glad he shoved his face to a pillow a few minutes ago to pretend being sleepy because it hid his reddening face well. "that brat just got back from hospital and was being careless with his health."

at that jimin laughed. how yoongi wished to kick the younger's butt out of the room right now.

"you didn't deny, though," jimin said, chuckling, "you should confess if you really like him that much, hyung." before someone stole him away from you. jimin winked at the visibly very pissed off, and very red yoongi.

"just go to sleep, kid," yoongi spat. "leave me alone."

jimin laughed again, standing up. "then why aren't you sleeping too hyung?" jimin asked on his way to his bedroom.

"later," was yoongi's short reply.

"fine," jimin said. "don't use those pills more, hyung."

yoongi kept quiet. how the hell jimin could know about his sleeping problem was beyond shocking. he had been extra discreet with everything he wanted no one to know but perhaps jimin was more observant than they all thought he was.

"you needa stop, hyung. taehyungie wouldn't like men who are dependent on unhealthy drugs just to help 'em sleep, would you think so?" said jimin, leaving the room. little did yoongi know the small smirk that bloomed on the younger's face, because damn, his head had just short-circuited.

to be continued

just a slight note; this story has psychology tag so if some of you find the characters are a bit questionable in their doing or their thinking, its because of their psychology state. i will reveal them all in the end.

its also why it takes so damn long to update because my knowledge is just based on internet and some books, its actually really hard to write... and i was such an idiot who just decided that making this story was a good idea haha. thats why, you readers, must suffer with the lack of updates. please forgive me... lol

anyway can you guess their psychology disorder?