CHAPTER 16

Warnings:

slight graphic descriptions of violence, bullying, degrading words, anxiety, and depression 

---

"hey, isn't he so weird?"

"i know right! he always rambles about nonsense like some idiotic child."

"i could already tell from his face, that annoying much."

  "he acts like idiots, too. guess he kinda has autism."  

"what's his name, anyway?"

"something like tae--taeyun? taekwon? taehyeong?"

"it's taehyung."

"whatever, not worth to remember when he's got names that stand for himself."

"Haha, right, a freak."

"weirdo."

"alien."

"stupid."

"man, he's pissing me off so much, even his face is annoying."

"makes me wanna punch it."

"well, worth a try, aint it? let's visit him today."

"nice, man. he's such a loner. no one ever stands for him."

---

taehyung reluctantly dragged his feet on the paved roads. the scenery was so nice, the birds singing, mobs of white clouds moving slowly by the cool morning breeze, flowers blooming in colourful hazes which nodded merely as he went, yet it didn't crease the folds and solicitude inside his heart. he hoped so much that it was early enough to be going to school, when he would be the only one to arrive so he could peacefully nap a little on his table in the corner of the class. the bruises were still hurting him, and the last thing he wanted to do was meeting one of his classmates. after all, he had worked so hard to leave the house oh so silently so he wouldn't wake up his parents and siblings. with the problems he already had, adding the nagging and complaints of not good enough from the house would just give more stress.

fortunately for him, the school was empty save for a few of the teachers and workers. the class was still dark but taehyung loved that. he prefer the darkness to the light where people were bursting with energy and happiness, playing around with each other. it's not that taehyung disliked happiness or energy, but it had never been him people were happy with. at least in the darkness he could pretend that he was happy that no one would be there to bother him. so, of course, taehyung was happy.

the nap lasted for approximately thirty minutes when taehyung awoke with those words-almost-like-whispers were heard just from beside him. taehyung knew so well how famous he was, always being the topic of the talks his schoolmates had, yet it wasn't that kind of famous that people would be proud of. it was one kind of famous that made his skins crawled with fear as the words were thrown to each other, spreading like a disease that slowly got him into a painful sickness that filled with anxiety and hurt. it was supposed to be a light gossip, but everyone enjoyed it so much that no one had bothered to hide the talks in whispers, but to the point to spat it right in front of him with voice full of hatred. it wasn't as if they didn't know taehyung already heard and knew it.

taehyung never fought the rumor, though, and people deemed as he didn't care enough. but the truth was, he did really care. he cared a lot. so much lots that it hurt. it was just he didn't know what to do about it.

he knew that he was weird. he had odd personality. he had different mindset unlike normal kids his ages. he talked and acted differently, too. things that took his interest were even weird and strange for everyone. but it was not like he could change himself--or everything. so he did nothing. he tried not to listen, not react. it only fueled them, though. it was started with usual pranks kids loved to throw at each other, such as tripping him on the hallway, pushing his lunch tray, hiding his notes, stealing his pencils, to throwing erasers onto his head. yet, it got worst ever since a jockster had bravely confronted taehyung in the middle of the busy hall only to say bad things and threw some punches.

often times taehyung had to hide inside a storage room for the bullies to pass but he would have to skip classes, and taehyung despised that. to overcome his parents' wishes and expectations, he needed good grades, and good grades didn't come out from skipping classes and missing notes so he tried to bear it. if he was lucky, there were days he was just got talked at, or got light pranks, or got blissfully ignored. but on the worse days, the only thing he could do was to pray the beatings wouldn't leave visible or permanent damages.

taehyung had tried to brush the problems away by smiling and thinking positive, but even his smile that everyone really hated on. he checked his reflection once on the mirror, his smile was different because it had rectangular shape, perhaps it was why people disliked it. he looked too weird. he always did.  

taehyung never had anyone to talk about this. his parents wouldn't care and he knew if he told the teachers, they both would be furious. so he kept it as secret. it was his own fault for being weird and unfit anyway, he told himself everyday.  maybe his schoolmates were right. he was a loner. he maybe was boring or weird or a freak. who knew. if anyone said it, if everyone was sure of it, then it was a common truth, wasn't it?

---

his lunch was ruined again today. he only picked strawberry milk because it was the cheapest and the only thing he could get. but some guy had snacked it away from his hold and splashed half of the remains on top his head. taehyung made a run as soon as he could so it wouldn't wet his hoodie, and thanked God for giving him such long legs so he could escape. even if he had hidden in the bathroom, things like that still happened. now, his stomach hurt so much and legs aching because now he couldn't afford bus anymore to reach his job--a restaurant that accepted kids underage for part-timers.

bad things didn't stop right there because he was late and his boss plus the managers were ones of the perfectionists that despised tardiness, especially when it came to a useless, inexperienced, angsty teenager like they always called him. he rushed to the changing room to change into the uniform as soon as he arrived with the senior coworkers still shouting at how late he was. he already worked so hard to find a part-time job, he couldn't bear to lose this one precious job so he gulped down his tears and continued to work, pretending he didn't hear all of those degrading words thrown at him. his parents needed more money, he needed to survive by earning more for his family and a little tiny bit spare for himself.

---

taehyung tried to open the door but he was so weak that his attempts had all gone to futile. so the only thing he could do was knocking and desperately calling for someone to help him. well, as if that could happen. everything was useless, no one would ever heard him, no one would ever helped him, he couldn't hope for such things.

he slid down to the floor, tears falling down as he sobbed. he didn't often cry but since the darkness, which he had been friends with, had come to engulf him once again, he crumbled down like broken pieces that he was. he had finished his cleaning duties but his classmates resisted it was not enough and decided to lock him inside the classroom. now he was going to late for his part-time job and his boss would fire him and he would go home with hands empty and then his parents would be furious and then his siblings would starve and it would all because of him and--

it was in this moment that taehyung really wished he could caress himself, relish himself, and remain himself how tired he was with how constantly the world had been beating him around everyday. when he realised how he really, really hated himself for being so weak, and could just stand there with the familiar darkness.

his mind then brought him to different matters where he could distract himself from those destroying thoughts, sometimes to puppies that he met at the park, the kind teachers that love him and his grades, his grandmother, and sometimes it brought him some memories of meeting random people that were kind enough to play with him when he was playing alone. it would be nice if he had friends, wouldn't it?

---

his boss really ended up firing him because he was late for two hours. it was already a blessing that one of the cleaning staffs in his school found him, yet the reason had not slightly enlightened his boss. he was kicked out after a harsh "i could have found any scrawny, pathetic kids that are as desperate as you in the streets anytime i want. now get your asses out of this place right now". and was forced to walk home because he had been fired after four hours working and the boss hadn't even paid him a penny!

his parents were furious regarding the news as he timidly told them in the living room. perhaps he didn't pick the right time, or had his parents always been this harsh? he fell backwards as his father's hand met his cheek furiously. he was then promised not to be given any dinner until he found another job, be it days or weeks, they never cared.

---

the only ones wishing him a goodbye when he graduated were a few of his teachers and canteen staffs. it was the first time he smiled after a few years and wished them well, too, and he regretted it because everyone stared at him like he did something strange. maybe there were still no one that wanted to see him smile. maybe it looked weirder.

maybe he could try it in high school. he would go to korean arts high school since he had always loved to sing and dance or doing any arts. he didn't get a recommendation, but his grades were good enough so he passed the entrance test. music and arts had been the only constant thing he could rely on even in middle school.

---

taehyung was surprised when his parents had agreed wholeheartedly when he told them about his decision to enter such a prestigious art school. the reason was actually because the school produced so many young idols, they could have opportunities to turn taehyung into one so he could bring many incomes for the family. his mother immediately went outside to buy him a jacket so seoul kids wouldn't judge him. at first, taehyung's dream was just to become a saxophone player but it was all okay because for a while, taehyung felt happy as this might be the first time since so many years his parents had brought him anything.

the jacket his mother bought ended up to be a fiery red one, so flashy and bright. they gashed around how handsome taehyung looked and how his mother had showed off that she picked the best based on taehyung's favourite colour and favourite style. little did she knew that taehyung's favourite colour was green and he loved baggy sweater rather than jacket.

the last words his parents told him as they enthusiastically let him off to go to seoul were for him to earn much so they could be proud of him. was that meant that they hadn't been proud of him enough?

---

seoul kids were way more intimidating than daegu ones. they had laughed aloud the first time taehyung entered the class because of the jacket his mother bought him. scared to be bullied again, he kept the jacket deep inside his cupboard in his small dorm. perhaps he should work harder again to earn some extra money. the city had been so strange for taehyung and he had hard time to adapt, for a boy that was used to grow in a poor farmer family. some of the kids had blatantly showed their dislikes towards him, but at least taehyung was so glad that none of his bullies had come to attend this school.

he usually only sang late at night when his parents and siblings had been deep in sleep as not to disturb them, or when he was told to do by his grandma because it helped her sleep, or when he was working in the farm. having a singing classes that required him to sing almost all the time still felt weird but taehyung slowly got the hang of it, even if he wasn't the best he had a very beautiful and unique voice that had the keys too his success as his teachers told him.

every classes was okay. people didn't call him weird or a freak. yet. they didn't know him, no one really knew anyone, except of a few that may have been in middle school together. no one from his middle school went here. after a week, some guy next to him had kindly helped him in his dance class when he was having difficulty on making his lanky body more flexible. they did end up working together and he thanked him afterwards and taehyung tried to smile again. the boy, who declared himself to be taehyung's first friend here, the almighty park jiminie, didn't stare at him this time, so he probably didn't do it wrong.

and since then, jimin had been the only bestest best friend taehyung could have ever asked for.

---

taehyung could freely laugh and spread his happiness now. hanging out with a charming jimin had resulted on making some old personalities of taehyung to come back again. his best friend had tried hard on creaking his hard eggshells because he was so sure taehyung was his lost platonic soulmate since born and couldn't be this boring. he did successfully, then, and earned them both the titles of the sweethearts of the school.

taehyung was beyond happy to befriend jimin. even if jimin aced in every class and left him behind to be the teachers' favourite, even if some of the girls and boys sneered at him in envy whenever they caught the best friends hanging out together, jimin was the only person taehyung had ever felt so comfortable around with and he would stick to jimin no matter what. there was moment when taehyung was with jimin that he felt how lucky he was to have someone that cared about him. and he couldn't just let jimin go from his life.

the only barrier that deterred him from jimin was that jimin had actual dream he was busy to catch whilst taehyung did not. everyone else knew where they were supposed to be. but only taehyung that kept walking ahead without purpose. but still, blending in with them was more comfortable, it was easy to escape from the harsh world taehyung had before when he had jimin. but when the night came, jimin was in deep sleep on the bed across from taehyung's, the latter was still wide awake staring at the starry night of seoul which had swallowed up the night from the window, had he been reminded of the heavy expectations his parents had been weighting him. even if seoul's night sky didn't have as much stars as daegu's, the scene handed him an entirely different world where he could feel the calm which came before the storm with beating heart and anxiety rushing his blood veins.

his parents hadn't even once called him. it had been two years since he left daegu.

---

having scored as one of the most brilliant students in high school, taehyung and jimin were scouted to be trainees in bighit agency even before they graduated. they'd been together nonstop since then, wishing all the time to be put in the same group every single time.

---

taehyung was sick. he hadn't been sick for a very very long time, but it happened sometimes. it wasn't too bad. he was practicing with the other trainees when he suddenly collapsed in exhaustion. he still disliked missing practice, but it couldn't be helped. his teachers had advised him to rest and he had to stay in bed.

it was in the late afternoon when someone barged inside his room, knowing well it was jimin. but he wasn't prepared. he never would have been when it was revealed to be a very breathless jimin that looked like he had just ran a marathon. his room was instantly brighter.

"taetae-ah! i heard you were sick! i was so worried when you weren't at practice and i didn't know why until the teacher said you have a cold?"

jimin looked so pale with his plump lips bitten nervously and sweats falling down his forehead, his state made him looked like he almost cried. he closed the door behind him and sat down on the floor next to taehyung's bed.

"you have to text me when you're sick!"

"text you? why?" he couldn't understand.

"why?! because then i won't be worried sick, silly!!"

taehyung had a hard time understanding any of this. nothing like this happened to him before. no one had cared before when he was sick, let alone his parents who left him to sleep off the sickness himself. he wasn't even sure anyone noticed. he was never important to anyone or for anything.

"get better soon, alright? i'm gonna fetch you some medicine, or maybe some food from the cafeteria. be right back." and jimin left as abrupt as he arrived.

it was so stupid, but taehyung started to cry. because this was the first time anyone ever missed him. anyone ever even cared. it felt so so good and he never wanted for the feeling to go away.  

---

taehyung and jimin ended up in the same team after all. the team had consisted of seven members, the four other boys were older than them both, whilst the last one was the maknae. if jimin was a living sunshine in his life, it was like having many jimin's to be roomates with the other members. they were compatible and fit together as soon as they met, albeit a bit reluctant in front of the very abashed jeongguk. they were all so kind to taehyung and he was so excited to debut with them all. it felt like he had grasped his dream now, to feel like he belonged somewhere where he could forget all his hardships and problems, and to have something he could call as home.

in this moment that taehyung could bash himself selfishly with the love and care his hyungs and jeongguk threw at him, could caress himself and remind himself that maybe this was how it was to be loved? because he hadn't known the feelings of it. had it been resulted with the constant beating hearts and longing when the hyungs were surrounding him? all he knew was just he wanted to be with them forever because it made him the happiest just like that. debut or not.

---

they finally debuted successfully. the group was named as bangtan seonyeondan and his stage name was V. even if his life goal wasn't to become an idol, he felt so happy to debut as one. the supportive fans and staffs that always helped them to work their best made taehyung so glad to have them.

---

it had been two years since they debuted and BTS had been such a successful korean boy group. taehyung kept updating his parents via messengers yet no replies had ever arrived ever since he left his hometown. he was upset about it but his positivity told him maybe his parents changed their phone and forgot to ask for taehyung's numbers, maybe they were too busy to contact him? he still sent his paychecks, though,  every time he received one immediately, diligently, as what his parents wanted.

one night, he finally got a reply from his father. it was a short "i haven't received any for this month." that taehyung quickly knew what he meant. he had been busy with the new comeback that he had forgotten to send his parents the money. it was pretty sad when he realised that it was actually the first reply his parents had sent him after almost five years of separation. he blinked away the tears and thought bitterly, what had he been hoping for exactly? would they ask him how had he been in seoul when they hadn't even had any proper talk at their house ever? had his parents been this distance or was it normal for other parents to be like this? taehyung asked himself desperately, yet the only answer he got was the void of bitterness and loneliness.

it had been too peaceful, he knew it, the calm he felt was the one that came before the storm. something good couldn't happen all the time because it lasted.

---

they received vacations when their packed schedules were a bit subdued in some kind of period. they got tickets to where their hometown located, each person. and these moments were the ones taehyung hated the most because he always felt sad when he was left alone at the dorm.

everyone had homes they belonged to, to came back to, yet taehyung did not. like the kind hearted boy he was, he still sent updates to his parents even if they never replied, he knew they read it anyway. the strange thing was, whenever he told them about his vacations they always sent different replies that shortly told him not to come back. they had different reasons from visiting another relatives on another regions, or they were too busy to take care of one of his siblings that was currently sick, to just refused him because they were afraid to make him busier. taehyung knew it, though, they just didn't want him to come back so why bothered to insist on visiting the ones that didn't want him in the first place. daegu didn't feel like home anymore and it made him feel like a lost boy.

it was at this moment that taehyung finally let big, fat tears to roll down his cheeks vulnerably, when the members had gone away and he was left alone in the darkness. he just wanted to be free. he wanted to be free from the freedom he already had,

because right now he was happy but was also unhappy.

how taehyung wished he could love himself.

to be continued

woooooo the longest chapter ive ever written!!!

it was all about taehyung's past and it held the keys on why he became such a hot mess later on the future. so angsty but i promise it'll all be better!

tbh i've wanted to write this for a long time, since this is a very personal piece. i was bullied a lot when i was still so young and it was truly the most horrible time of my life. some of the stories in this chapt are based from real experience. one of it was bullying. as someone who has lived through it, i want to tell everyone who may read this and be in such a situation that it gets better. i know its still not the end of this story but the purpose of this story is to encourage everyone with the same situation, that you will meet people that love you and teach you to love yourself to. as i promise i will end this story in happy ending, as well as what everyone deserves to have.

i hope you enjoy my story! ^^

>> random question: do fish get thirsty??