Request by LucyHughes910  (hope you're doing ok now)

Amelia, Bailey, Maggie, Meredith, and Jo.

This story depicts how suicide impacts your loved ones. I'm certain they'd rather listen to your problems than your eulogy (as dark as that sounds!!)

Anyways, I'm here if anyone needs to talk.

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He'd passed on. His pain also passed on. Onto you.

It had been 2 weeks. You figured you should probably get back to work. You'd received countless texts from your colleagues all reading similar messages.

Jo: Sorry to hear what happened, hope you're ok x

Maggie: Mer just told me what happened, I'm always here for you x

Meredith: Take as long as you need, look after yourself x

Amelia: If you need a friend you know where I am x

They were only trying to help you. You didn't feel like responding to any of them. But you couldn't just mope around your house forever. You needed to get back to work.

Kian was a surgeon too. He was doing his residency at Hopkins. You'd been friends since med school. You two got talking when you were paired together on an assignment. You'd texted everyday since. He became like a brother to you. That's why it hit you so hard that you didn't notice what was going on. You hated yourself.

Kian had committed suicide.

You were literally just texting him. Giving him the gossip about your friends. That's what best friends do. They share gossip. They don't abandon each other. They don't just die!!

You hated yourself for being angry at him. You knew it wasn't his fault. You wished he'd opened up to you though! You just felt so lost without him.

You also hated yourself for disappointing him. Kian loved to save lives. If he wasn't at work he'd have a borderline panic attack. You joked that he was a workaholic, which earned you an eyeroll from him every time. Whilst you'd been moping around your house, living off pot noodles and wearing the same stinky hoodie everyday, you hadn't been at work saving lives. You could've helped save somebody.

You could've helped save Kian. His death made you feel an empty sort of powerlessness. You felt as though you had no control. Over anything. So the question was: what's the point?

Life without your favourite person. You couldn't even begin to process that. You didn't think you'd ever smile again. The only person who could cheer you up was Kian. Now he was dead.

You prepared for your first day back. For the 'rare bird looks' as Jo would refer to them. She'd expected them when she got out of the psych ward.

You took a shower for the first time since you found out. You decided against wearing mascara because if someone asked how you were doing you were scared you might start sobbing.

You got to work and had a little moment in your car on the car park, grateful you didn't wear mascara. Then you took a deep breath and headed into the hospital.

Your strategy was to keep conversation to a minimum, find a big case to invest all your time and attention into and distract yourself.

Bailey had other ideas.

"Dr y/n! You're back. How are you doing?" She asked softly and went to put her hands on your shoulders, but you're quite a bit taller than her so it was a little awkward. Still, the gesture was thoughtful.

"Better." You said, keeping the conversation blunt.

"Ok well, I have these patient files you can catch up on whilst you get back on your feet." She hands you the files.

You frowned. Your face had a habit of showing what you were thinking, you've never been able to help it. Kian thought it was funny because it used to get you into trouble with professors at med school.

"What? My files are too boring for you?" Bailey asked, her sass creeping through.

You just looked at her.

"You look tired. You sleeping ok?" Bailey asked.

You nodded.

That wasn't necessarily a lie. The first day you couldn't sleep at all. But you eventually tired yourself out from the constant sobbing and you fell asleep the following day. You dreamt about Kian. You were laughing and joking around. You told him he died. He looked sad but he told you that you'd be ok. Then you went back to catching him up on your drama. Then you woke up. He wasn't there. And your happiness vanished. Since then, you looked forward to going to sleep. Sometimes... you hoped you wouldn't wake up. It was a place you could be with your favourite person again. Forever.

Bailey eventually gave in, returned the files to the nurse's desk, and let you head down to the pit. But not before giving you a comforting pat on the back to send you on your way.

You turned the corner of the corridor on your way to the pit and was met with Meredith, Maggie, and Amelia (the coven as you liked to call them).

If anyone knew how you were feeling it was these three. Maggie recently lost her mother, the person closest to her in her life, Amelia lost her brother, the person closest to her in her life, and Meredith has had more than her fair share - losing her husband, her friend George, her other sister Lexie, her parents, she'd lost everyone close to her at one point.

"Y/n!!" Maggie rushes over to you and pulls you in for a hug. One thing about Maggie is she's a great hugger. A firm but reassuring hug. It always makes you feel safe. Plus her hair smells amazing all the time so her hugs are always a good excuse for you to sneakily sniff her.

She pushes you back slightly to look at you.

"We've missed you around here." Meredith piped up from behind you both.

"I'll second that!" Amelia adds.

You smiled politely, once again trying to avoid a heartfelt conversation because you knew you'd break.

You excused yourself by lying about being paged and quickly speed-walked away.

"Poor girl." Maggie says to her sisters when you're out of sight.

You got to the pit and pretty soon you'd landed a case. A 14 year old girl in a car accident.

She was responsive, giving you attitude as 14 year old girls do.

Amelia was on the case too because the girl had a head injury.

"Hey y/n! You alright?" She asked as she entered the patient room.

"Cut the crap Amelia. If there's one thing I hate it's forced chirpiness. Just treat me like a normal human being, not a wounded puppy." You snapped. You didn't mean to, but everyone's sympathy was just getting a bit much. It was a constant reminder that Kian was gone and all you wanted to do was distract yourself from that.

"Sorry." She mumbled, then turned her attention to the patient, who was demanding you give her her phone back.

"Crap!" You exclaimed. You dropped a tray of utensils.

"It's ok. Nurse! Can we get another tray in here please!" Amelia called out to the nurse's station.

"It's not ok. It's clumsy. I shouldn't be in here. I'm gonna go. Go and get some water. I don't think I'm useful in here and-" you started.

"Y/n. Take a breath. You are useful. People make mistakes. I'm right here so nothing seriously bad is gonna happen." Amelia tries to comfort you.

As she says that your patient starts seizing.

"Crap. Let's start her on diazepam." Amelia says out loud, rushing to the patient's side.

You had to rush the patient to the OR. She was haemorrhaging.

"We did the best we could" Amelia says to you as you're scrubbing out.

She didn't make it.

It was your fault.

You said you shouldn't be in there.

People who get too close die.

You killed her like you killed Kian.

Kian's death was your fault. You should've asked how he was.

You should've asked the patient how she was.

Your fault.

You ignored Amelia and practically ran out of the room after scrubbing out. You raced to the nearest on call room to have your moment.

But nothing.

You couldn't cry.

You felt like you needed to scream and sob.

But nothing.

You were broken.

You heard a soft knock at the door before seeing it creak open a little.

"Hey." Amelia says.

She must've followed you.

Damn it.

"Please leave me alone." You asked her.

She shook her head, walking closer to you.

"It wasn't your fault." She tells you.

"I know. The patient haemorrhaged and-"

"No y/n. That's not what I meant. I can see how you're beating yourself up. What happened to your friend... it wasn't your fault." She tells you, cupping your chin with her hands, forcing you to face her.

You shook your head and scoffed. "It was. All it took was for me to ask if he was ok and-"

"And he would've lied to you. Chances are he'd been feeling like this for a long time. Probably years. You couldn't have known because he didn't want you to know. So, as I said, it is not your fault y/n." Amelia says it again.

You push her off you, not hard but hard enough for her to know you're not messing about.

"I told you to leave Amelia." You say.

Avoiding a heartfelt conversation was becoming difficult. But you couldn't talk about this now.

"No. I'm here for you. Push me again if you need to." Amelia was infuriating. She just could not give you personal space.

You stood there, unsure how to respond. You tried to get to the door but she blocked the way.

"What do you want?" You asked.

"Talk." She said.

"No."

"Then we'll be here a while." She said, shrugging off your attitude and pulling out her phone to play solitaire.

"Just let me out Amelia." You said, firmly.

She ignored you.

"LET ME OUT!!!" You screamed.

She still didn't look up from her phone.

"LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!! LET ME OUT!!!" Was all you could scream. You were getting stressed and claustrophobic. You ran your hands through your hair, tugging out strands.

Amelia got up. She stood in front of you.

"I need you to hear me. Then you can leave." She says, calmly.

You turn away from her, closing your hand into a fist before hitting the bedpost, hard.

"LET ME OUT!!!" You scream at her again.

"Y/n. Just listen."

You stop. You stand still. All you had to do was let her talk then you can go.

"It wasn't your fault. Hear that. It wasn't your fault. Don't turn away from me. Just listen.
It. Was. Not. Your. Fault." She tells you again.

You feel your lip quiver and tears start brimming in your eyes. You go to step around Amelia to get out because you didn't want to break down on her.

She steps in front of you again.

"It is not your fault." She said for a final time.

You couldn't process all this emotion. Tears streamed down your face and you gasped for air. You fell to your knees, Amelia holding you up slightly. Her arms wrapped around you tightly, making you feel safe.

"I'm here." She whispered softly into your hair.

You could barely hear her over how loud your sobbing was.

She rubs her hands over your back in circles to try and soothe you. You just stayed there, unable to stop crying.

Eventually, you could stand, still sniffling. "You happy now?" You scowled at Amelia, but then let slip a smirk to show you weren't seriously mad at her.

"Very much so." She smirked back. "Go home y/n. I'll see you tomorrow." She said.

Thats what you did.

At lunch Amelia sat with her sisters.

"How's y/n? I saw you were in the OR together earlier." Maggie asked.

"She cracked." Amelia said.

"Yeah the nurses said they heard her screaming at someone in the on call room." Meredith added.

"That was me." Amelia said, matter-of-factly and smirking reluctantly.

"What was that about?" Maggie asked.

"She needed to know that it wasn't her fault." Amelia said.

"She blamed herself?" Meredith asked.

Amelia nodded. Just then Owen walks past.

"Hey! Owen!" Amelia calls after him.

"Hey Amelia." He replies.

"Remember when Derek died. And I had that bag of oxy outside his house?" She asked, no filter.

"Yeah?"

"Remember how I broke down?" She asked.

"I don't think I could forget - I've never seen anyone more distraught." He looked at her sadly.

"That's where y/n was at today." She turns to her sisters.

"So what do we do? To help her I mean?" Maggie asked, concerned.

"I don't know." Amelia said, cramming food into her mouth. "I don't want to give her too much space and her think that she's alone in this and go back to thinking it was her fault. But I don't want to keep harassing her because she'll resent me." She confessed, her voice a little muffled because she spoke with her mouth full.

"Yeah she needs people." Meredith says. "She blamed herself. She probably blamed her friend. She shouted at you. I think she's angry at the world. I've been there. You've been there."

"So how do we help?" Amelia asked.

"Everyone's different." Maggie said.

"Don't you just hate that? Why can't everyone be the same? Same treatments for illnesses? Same forms of comfort? Life would be so much easier." Amelia remarks.

"And more boring." Maggie reminds her.

You came in the next day and decided to take Bailey's advice and catch up on patient files.

It was just as boring as you expected.

Jo came in and sat with you when she wasn't doing anything though. She bought you a juice box. Apple - obviously.

"This looks fun!" She said, sarcastically.

"At least I can't kill anyone." You said, darkening the mood.

She tucks her bottom lip under her top lip and widens her eyes, giving you the 'oookkaayyyy' look. This earns a smile from you.

She catches you up on everything you'd missed whilst you'd been off. Then the mood darkens again and you get onto the topic of being depressed when Jo asked how you'd been coping.

You'd told Jo about how you didn't shower, how you wished you'd go to sleep and never wake up.

She gave you a sad smile. You remembered she'd been there. You felt understood. Everyone here understood you. Jo would never judge because she'd been in the same position. Meredith, Maggie and Amelia all knew how you were feeling because of their own losses.

You felt less alone. Jo invited you to the bar after work but you turned it down, craving some quiet time. Also secretly hoping to get an early night so you could spend longer asleep with Kian.

At the bar, Jo expressed her concerns with the sisters.

"She said that?!" Maggie sounded shocked when Jo said you'd told her how you wished you'd never wake up.

"I should talk to her - I was the same with Ryan. We were going to have kids. 2 boys, 2 girls." Amelia reflected, sighing sadly. She didn't realise how painful Ryan's death was to talk about until she'd said it. Meredith noticed and gave her a little rub on her arm.

"I don't think you should talk to her. She knows we're here for her. Don't pressure her. You know you can be a little full on." Meredith tells Amelia.

"Shepherd, full on? Neverrr!" A slightly tipsy Bailey had been eavesdropping and had to interject her sarcasm.

"A pleasure as always Dr Bailey!" Amelia greeted her, sarcastically, but more playfully than mean.

"But back to y/n..." Jo said. "What should we do?" She asked, worried.

"Sleep technically is good for her..." Maggie stated.

"Not if it's feeding into her depressive zombie girl state." Amelia said, pulling a face.

Meredith hit her arm for her inappropriate commentary.

"Right. Filter. Sorry." She bowed her head.

"Why don't you just have a movie night? She can't go to sleep with you all there. Annddd she might even enjoy it. Oo you could pick a film with a message too!!" Bailey said, thinking out loud.

"You'll come too right Bailey?" Jo asked her.

Bailey seemed a little touched that they wanted her there but she quickly changed her face.

"Well... I suppose if I have to be..." she rolled her eyes as if she really didn't want to go.

Everyone saw through her.

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The next day, after work, they invited themselves back to your house.

"Movie night!!" Jo was the first to arrive, bringing in a bottle of wine under her arm.

"What?" You asked, confused.

"We're having a movie night!" She beamed at you, making herself at home.

You could hardly say no, she was so cute.

"God it's dark in here! Let's let in some sun!!" Jo exclaimed, opening your curtains.

You'd kept them shut so it was dark; perfect napping conditions.

Then there was another knock at the door. You glared at Jo who smiled innocently back at you.

It was Meredith and Maggie. Maggie was carrying a huge bag of Doritos.

"I assume you're hear for my 'movie night'?" You asked, turning to scowl at Jo.

Maggie nodded enthusiastically and Meredith just smiled at you.

No sooner had you invited them in, someone knocked the door again.

"Bailey! Hi! Come in! Assuming you're here for movie night too?" You greeted her.

Bailey was carrying a selection of films under her arm.

You'd all sat down talking for about 10 minutes when someone knocked the door again.

You gave Jo a look as if to say how many people did you invite?!!!

It was Amelia. You'd barely opened the door when she pounced, giving you a huge hug.

"Oh! Good to see you too!" You said, awkwardly hugging her back.

You invited her in.

You all sat on your sofa. Meredith on one end, Bailey on the other. You were inbetween Amelia and Jo. Maggie was next to Meredith and Amelia.

Bailey asked Jo which film you should watch.

"Shouldn't it be my pick because this is my house?" You asked.

"Well it isn't so suck it up." Bailey responded.

That told you.

Unbeknownst to you, Bailey had a selection of Tuck's old Disney / Pixar films. She's picked the ones that had made her cry the most: Up, Big hero 6, and The good dinosaur.

They decided on Big hero 6.

It wasn't long into the film when Bailey had to pause it because you were crying so loud. It was the part where the brother died. You burst into tears, burying your head into Amelia's chest. Jo had her hand on your shoulder and Meredith got up to pour you a drink.

Maggie just gave Bailey a scared look. She worried about you. You were one of the few people who could tolerate her so she valued you as a friend.

"Well, my work here is done - see you at work." Bailey said, pleased with herself for making you crack and seeing herself out.

She left you with your friends so you could have a heartfelt conversation without the chief being present. She could understand why that might get awkward.

Meredith came in with a glass of water, setting it down on the table. Then she sat down next to Jo, Maggie knelt down in front of you, like a little puppy desperately trying to fix whatever was wrong but not knowing how.

You continued to cry into Amelia's chest. She just held you. Feeling the warmth of her body helped relax you. You wrapped your arms around her neck, snuggling into her more. She thought this was adorable, but it did make her more concerned because you've never been a hugger.

Once you'd composed yourself, you looked up from Amelia's chest. You saw everyone staring at you, expressions of concern painted onto their faces.

"Soooo..." you chucked awkwardly.

"Take your time." Meredith piped up.

"It's a sad film!!! That was a valid reaction!!" You insisted.

"Was it?" Amelia asked, skeptically.

"Jo was on the verge of tears too!!!" You exclaimed.

"Jo just got out the psych ward..." Meredith added.

Jo playfully swatted her arm telling her to shut up.

"We did this so you'd talk to us." Jo tells you.

"What do you want me to say?" You asked.

"More like... we want you to listen." Amelia says.

"You have so much worth living for. So many friends. So much potential. A great career. We're saying, don't waste your life dwelling on the past. If you spend your life in your dream world you're missing out on reality. On all of us who are still alive and are still here for you. We want you to be present with us. We want to make new memories with you every day. We love you. So we need you in the real world." Jo states.

"I just... I don't see the point anymore... I feel like... ugh why can't I get my words out!! I feel... replaceable. You've got each other, I'm replaceable in my job..." you started.

"If you died, we would feel how you feel because Kian died. I love you, like you loved Kian. You need to see that you have so much worth living for. Kian wouldn't want this for you... I know it." Maggie says, wisely, resting her hands on your knees.

"I'm just so much happier when I'm asleep. The pain is just... it hurts so badly to wake up every morning." You said, tears spilling down your face.

"Oh honey..." Jo doesn't know how to comfort you. She just rubs your back soothingly.

"I was the same. With Ryan. Everything was perfect when I was asleep. But eventually, I had to come back to reality. For the little things at first... like rocky road ice cream." Amelia tells you.

"You have an unhealthy obsession with rocky road." You inform her.

"I know." She looks down at her lap, like a child being told off.

Then she continues. "The point is, y/n, you need to see that Kian is here with you in reality too. He'll always be a part of your life, and he would want you to value your life and live it to the fullest. To do all the things he can't. To save lives. To hang out with your friends. To eat as much rocky road as you can manage!" Amelia nudges you, earning a small smile from you.

"Mag?" You turned to Maggie.

"Yeah?" She asked.

"Can you grab the tub of rocky road from the freezer, second shelf down? And bring 5 spoons out the drawer, 4th down on the right?" You asked, seeing a smile creep on Amelia's face from the corner of your eye.

She does as you asked. Once everyone had a spoon, you all tucked into the tub.

"Let's make a new memory." You said, causing everyone to smile.

You pulled your phone out for a selfie. Amelia had ice cream on her chin and was trying to lick it off and Jo had a bit in her hair. Maggie had her mouth wide open, shovelling in another spoonful. Meredith had closed her eyes. You were giggling so badly so the photo was a little blurred because you shook it whilst laughing.

Nevertheless, it was perfect. It showed real, honest love. It showed that good can outweigh bad. That happiness and pain can exist simultaneously. But overall, reality (no matter how messy and ice-cream covered) triumphed over your nostalgic dreams. Reality was unpredictable, that's what made it fun.

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Word count - 4049

Sorry it's taken forever to update!!!
Also this is a bit of a longer one, hope it was ok?

I didn't proof read so any typos let me know please.

This story shows the impacts suicide has on your loved ones, giving you a reason to stick around.

Remember if you need to talk, feel free to dm me <3

Love you all xx