⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ TW - depression, stress, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD, disordered eating, suicide attempt, self harm, grief, vomiting, basically everything

Im being serious don't ignore the warning ⚠️

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Don't ignore warnings.

It had been over a year and you were doing so much better. You were back at work now - after a lot of therapy! Then again, who wouldn't need therapy after a mass shooting?

You'd never been much of an optimist. You were a realist. That's what made you and Arizona such a great pair. Ever since you were a child you'd been a bit dark and twisty. You suffered from depression throughout middle school and into high school. You still had bad days now but you found that your passion for medicine really helped you. That was until the shooting. You never wanted to practice medicine again. The dark thoughts came back - the kind you would have at 14. One time they got so bad that you took an overdose of your antidepressants- ironic! The doctors made such an impact on you that that was the moment you decided to go into medicine as a career.

After the shooting, all you could think of was what would've happened if you'd died. How it would've impacted everybody else. It upset you that you didn't think they'd be that bothered. You talked about this a lot in therapy and it helped you reach the conclusion that people did care about you. Even if you didn't always see it.

Arizona Robbins has been your best friend since you were both at Hopkins. She knew everything about you - about how you'd struggle with your mental health, but also your favourite films, books, colours (because you're indecisive and can never pick just one). You knew everything about her too. She was the total opposite of you. She balanced out your darkness with her rainbows and sunshine. From the moment you first met her, you two became inseparable. She rubbed off on you. She made you a happier person and when the newest class of interns arrived they called you "McRainbow" and Arizona "McSunshine". Everybody that knew you at Seattle Grace - Mercy West hospital knew you to be the smiley, energetic girl that Arizona had sculpted you into. She was the only one who knew about your darker thoughts. After the shooting, you stayed at her house, she helped you through the nightmares and the depression.

Whenever you were screaming in your sleep she'd be at your bedside with a glass of water, rubbing your arm gently to drag you out of it.

"Hey, it's ok sweetie," she'd tell you every single time - it never failed to make you cry.

Every day for the first 2 weeks after the shooting, you had to sleep in her bed with her. You couldn't sleep alone because you were vulnerable when you slept so you wouldn't be able to see danger coming - like you couldn't have predicted the shooting. That was your logic anyway! The warmth of her body next to you made you feel safer. This was your arrangement until one of the days, she got home from work and went to check on you. She couldn't find you so she knocked gently on the bathroom door. When you failed to answer she got panicky - "I'm coming in y/n!" She said. She walked in to find you stood, naked, outside the shower with deep cuts scattered on your wrists and thighs. Blood was trickling down your legs to your ankles and there were a few droplets on the mat you were stood on. You were in such a trance you didn't even hear her.

"O-ok sweetheart, come on, let's get you cleaned up - yeah?" She put her arm behind you and led you into the shower.

She turned the shower on above the both of you, grabbed a sponge, and started to wash you. You didn't even wince when the hot water hit your skin. Her hands were soft and gentle when she touched you, being careful not to hurt you when raising your arms to clean you. She took extra care over your cuts and once she was done cleaning you, and had dried the water off you with a towel, she fetched a suture kit from under her sink. She told you it might hurt but you didn't feel it anyway. After stitching you up, she dried herself off, after being stood in the shower with you, and then went to fetch you (and herself) some clothes as you stood there - helpless. She came back with your grey joggers and your baggy nirvana t shirt that you only bought because it was on sale - you weren't really into nirvana that much. You just stood there, staring at the wall.

"Let's get you dressed, I bet you're freezing!"

You didn't move. She took a step towards you and stood directly in your line of vision. Still nothing. She left your clothes on the towel rack so they were warm for when you put them on and left the room to make a call to Dr Wyatt - your therapist.

This got you admitted to the psych ward for 28 days. 2 months after your release - you returned to work, the nightmares were less frequent but didn't stop but you were getting there. You started to fall back in love with medicine again so when you were offered the opportunity to fly over to Boise to assist in a surgery on conjoined twins, you couldn't say no! Such a rare surgery, reminding you why you got into it all in the first place!...

When you woke up you were surrounded by rubble. Your ears were ringing but you could still hear someone screaming over it.

"Arizona!!" You instinctively called out.

The screaming stops momentarily.

"Y/n?!!!" She responds.

You let out a breath as you knew she was alive. Your mind was racing. What happened? Am I hurt? Is Arizona hurt? Where am I? Where is everyone else? What now?

You start to stand up, slowly. As far as you could tell you didn't have any serious injuries - a few cuts and bruises. You staggered over to where the screaming had started again. The sight made your heart drop. The plane was completely broken into pieces - some of it was missing. There was smoke coming off it. You saw Arizona lying on the ground - her leg trapped - and you immediately ran over to help.

"Oh y/n thank God you're alive!!!" She started to sob.

You didn't know how you felt. You knew you should be scared, relieved, sad. But you were in shock. You felt nothing. Then Meredith and Cristina appear from behind a wing of the plane.

"Shut up!!!" Cristina screams at Arizona who had started to scream again.

"Help me get this off her!!!" You shout at them.

After you'd pulled Arizona out, you propped her up against the plane. You sat with her as Meredith and Cristina went looking for Mark, Lexie and Derek. You really hoped they were ok. You loved Lexie, she was as much a sister to you as she was to Meredith. When you'd have parties it would always be you, Arizona, Callie, Mark and Lexie. You all basically lived together in Callie's apartment. Those memories were your happy place.

You and Arizona both sat in silence until you heard the pilot groaning. You caught his attention and asked him his name - it was Jerry. Arizona then carried on the conversation talking about how she could see her femur - which was funny to her? You were getting anxious so you excused yourself and went to look for the others. You ended up at a clearing in the woods and could see the others sat around a different part of the plane. Your stomach sunk when you saw that Mark was holding someone's hand - and they were under the plane.

"Lex?" You whispered tearfully as you ran up to the chunk of metal.

"11:37" Mark mumbled. "I checked my watch - time of death..." he couldn't finish his sentence.

Your heart shattered and the reality of it all hit you. You looked around to see that everyone else was alive and, seemingly, ok. So you took off and kept running. You needed to clear your head. Maybe this is another nightmare? I'll wake up soon and Arizona will be there with some water for me. You tried to convince yourself - but you couldn't trick yourself into believing that any of this wasn't horrifically real.

You ran for what seemed like an eternity. You must've been running in circles though because you ended up back at the part of the plane where Arizona and Jerry where still chatting.

"Y/n! You're back thank God!! Did you find the others? How are they?" She asked.

You broke down. You couldn't even walk towards her. You just fell to your knees and cried.

"What?? What's happened?!!! Y/n?!!!"

"Lexie." You started gasping for air. You couldn't even feel the ground beneath you and you couldn't catch enough breath to finish your sentence. Arizona seemed to get the message though.

"No..." she says, tilting her head back and shutting her eyes. "Y/n... I'm so sorry - I know you guys are close and Mark and Meredith... oh God I can't imagine how any of you are feeling right now..." she turns to look at you with nothing but empathy. You still couldn't move from your spot. You decided you'd just sleep in that spot for the night. You didn't feel like you could let your friends and colleagues see you like this - you were "McRainbow" and so you needed to lift spirits. You decided to get some sleep. You curled up and shut your eyes. You couldn't sleep but you lay there anyway.

A few hours later, the rest of them arrived. You could hear them muttering.

After a while, they'd started a campfire. You had absolutely no life skills so you had to admit you were a bit impressed that they'd managed to start a whole fire without a lighter or anything. You'd been lying on the floor, alone, for the last few hours with your thoughts. You'd started to spiral again.

Surely this is a sign?? I survive a shooting just to end up in a plane crash!! The universe might aswell be saying "kill yourself before I do it for you"!!

You could smell them cooking something - you suspected it had been dead a while whatever it was because you had to admit that it smelt like the morgue at the hospital. But you knew if you didn't eat you'd starve and if you didn't starve, some of your deeper cuts from the accident would get infected and your immune system would be too weak to battle it. But then you thought about it a bit more... the dark thoughts had started to creep in again and you thought that the starvation option might be for the best. You didn't die on impact but you were almost certain that you were not prepared to suffer life longer than you needed to. Things just kept getting worse for you and you couldn't help but feel like it was your fault. It wasn't - but you couldn't help but think that if you weren't at the hospital the day of the shooting - it wouldn't have happened. And if you weren't on the plane - it wouldn't have crashed. You felt like a bad luck omen. Ultimately, this led to you blaming yourself for the deaths of everyone involved in the shooting and the death of one of your best friends on the plane.

"Y/n!" Arizona shouted from over by the plane, probably calling you over for food.

You ignored her. You didn't want to talk to anyone.

"She must be asleep" Cristina said.

"Check her pulse!! We thought Mark was asleep..." Meredith said, her tone panicky.

What? You hadn't heard Mark for a while actually... was he dead??? Did you kill two people???

Cristina walks up to you and you just stare back at her.

"She's awake!!" She shouts.

"How's mark?" You blurt out.

She looks at you, empathetically.

"Come over here and sit with us," she hold her hand out and helps you up.

You learn that Mark wasn't dead... yet. He was in a critical condition though. If you didn't get help soon then he would be dead. You leant against the wing of the plane, next to Arizona - flicking the occasional beetle out of the gash on her leg. She refused to touch them because they were "gross".

"You ok?" She asks you when everyone else has gone looking for more wood for the fire and Mark was asleep.

"Why would I be ok Arizona!?" You didn't mean to snap at her.

"I just wanted to see how you were holding up?" She pursued.

"Well, as far as I'm aware, I'm not dead or dying - and I still have both of my shoes so..." you pick at your fingers, awkwardly.

"You should eat something - we don't know how long we're going to be stuck out here" she gestured over to the thing that almost resembled meat by the campfire.

"Well... we probably won't find out how long we'll be stuck here - because we'll be dead. Ha!" You said, pessimistically.

"Don't talk like that. I, for one, would like to get out of here alive. And I believe that we will. Our bodies will go into survival mode and we'll probably be saved soon when Hunt at the hospital realises-"

You interrupt her. "God Arizona!" You scoff. You were suddenly so angry at her. "JUST SHUT UP!!! I DONT KNOW HOW YOU CAN BE SO OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS??? MAYBE YOURE NOT OPTIMISTIC - JUST DELUSIONAL!!! WE ALL NEARLY DIED- ITS LIKELY THAT WE ALL WILL DIE!!! LEXIE DIED!!! THERE ARE BUGS UNDER YOUR SKIN AND YOUR LEG IS GREEN!! MARK CANT EVEN GET THROUGH A SENTENCE WITHOUT FALLING ASLEEP SO HE'LL PROBABLY DIE TOO!! DEREK MAY NEVER OPERATE AGAIN IF WE DO, SOMEHOW, MANAGE TO GET OUT OF THIS!!! HE'D PROBABLY RATHER DIE!!! AND I'LL PROBABLY NEVER GET OVER THIS - IT TOOK ME A YEAR TO GET OVER THE SHOOTING!!! AND NOW MY GODDAMN PLANE CRASHED!!! IF THAT ISNT GOD SAYING 'FUCK YOU' THEN I DONT KNOW WHAT IS!!! I'M SICK OF ACTING LIKE ALL OF THIS IS OK - ITS NOT ARIZONA!!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!!" you screamed. Tears were streaming down your face and your voice was raspy by the end of it. You hadn't realised that everyone else was within earshot and heard every word of what you said.

"Wow McRainbow became McStormy..." Cristina remarks.

"You can shut up too!! Poor little Cristina lost a shoe!! NEWS FLASH - I DONT CARE!!!" You mocked her.

She blinked at you, stunned, said nothing, rolled her eyes and went to check on Mark. Arizona went to say something but you got up and took a walk. You walked over to where Lexie's body was. Her hand was already turning grey - you didn't really want to see her face. That's when you heard something banging against the back of the plane... You went to investigate and you had to turn away and throw up when you realised what it was...

A wolf. It was trying to dig under the plane to get to her body... You chased it off, instinctively. Then you allowed yourself to break down. She'd stopped being Lexie - she was just meat to those wolves. Rotting meat.

For the next 2 days you sat by Lexie, making sure that no wolves came back. Cristina bought food and water down to you every day. No words were exchanged between you - she just handed you the food and headed back. You ate bits when your stomach was hurting badly from hunger. But most of the time you just left it. Last night it was just a few leaves. The night before it was a blackbird - you think. You had a piece of meat the size of your pinky fingernail and there was still a black feather attached. You knew you didn't want to carry on like this. There was no way you were recovering from this. You couldn't. There was nothing left for you to live for. Arizona had Callie, Sofia, Mark. You weren't even the best surgeon so you were easily replaceable. So why would you put yourself through more suffering by trying to recover - which would be impossible?

"Y/n" Cristina arrived, no food this time.

"What" you replied.

"Come sit with the rest of us"

"Can't"

"Look if this about what I said - I'm sorry I know tensions are high and it was a bit McDouchey of me" she apologised, which was a big thing coming from Cristina.

"It's not."

"Then what?" She asked.

"They'll eat her..." you said. Your voice was quiet and you didn't have enough energy to form a full sentence.

"Y/n... when was the last time you slept-" she thought you were just sleep deprived and hallucinating things coming to eat Lexie.

"Wolves." You said.

"What?" She replied.

"I chased one off - they're after her body..." you cried.

"I'll watch her. Go sit with the others for a bit. We can swap again later if you want." She said, calmly. Cristina was always calm under pressure.

You do as your told. You'd kinda missed Arizona and the others and you trusted Cristina enough to keep Lexie safe. Correction: keep the body safe.

When you reached the others you ran straight over to Arizona. You wrapped your arms around her so tightly and sobbed into her chest. You rested your body on hers, being careful of her leg. She hugged you with all her strength and started to cry into your hair.

"I'm sorry" you whispered.

"No I'm sorry if I upset you" she responded.

"I don't want to fight anymore..."

She thought you were apologising for your previous dispute. In reality, this was you saying goodbye. I don't want to fight anymore. Fight to be alive.

That night, when Derek and Meredith had gone to take food to Cristina, you stood up, carefully as to not wake Arizona who was snoring quietly next to you. The hardest part was gently pushing her head off your shoulder without waking her. Once you were free, you stepped up onto the plane. You rummaged through the rubble until you found a sharp piece of metal that had obviously come from the outer part of the plane. You picked it up, shakily. You held it to your neck, you knew exactly where the artery was - being a surgeon it would be worrying if you didn't know! You were building yourself up to do it when you heard Arizona outside.

She gasped and you heard her breathing heavily. You suspected she'd had a nightmare. You remembered how good she was to you every time you had a nightmare so you couldn't just leave her alone through it. You grabbed a bottle of water off the plane and took it out to her. Her face lit up when she saw you.

"Hey, bad dream?" You asked.

"Mhm" tears fell down her face and she shook her head to try and stop herself from breaking down.

You handed her the water and put your hand on her good leg. She looked down at your hand and then her expression changed. She looked worried.

"What's that?" She asked you, already knowing the answer.

You chose not to answer her question. Instead you just removed your hand.

"Y/n, is that part of the plane?" She asked, apprehensively.

"Yeah haha... I was just looking through the rubble for my bracelet - I lost it when we crashed and I only just noticed" you lied.

"Since when did you wear bracelets?" She could see right through you.

You didn't answer that question either.

"Y/n... you weren't about to do anything were you..." she asked, tearily.

"Arizona, you know I won't survive this and I'm not about to put you through everything I put you through with the shooting! My life will never be the same after this! I won't go back to medicine because I feel like if I do more terrible things will happen, I won't go back to yours because if I do you'll have to deal with me again but worse than the shooting, I'll end up in the psych ward and I wont even come out as half of the person I was before. I've been thinking it over, ok? You'll still have Callie, Sofia and Mark. Hunt can hire new surgeons - it's not like I'm irreplaceable and- "

"You are to me" she said through her tears.

"What?"

"You're irreplaceable to me - I know I have Callie and Sofia and Mark. But I want you too y/n! I love you so much!!! You're the closest thing I have to a sister and I'm not about to let you go!"

You knew that if you did die now it would hurt her - a lot. But at least it would be quick. She wouldn't have to go through months, maybe years, of you not even being the same person as you were before. She'd lose you either way and the quickest way was the most humane for the both of you.

"Zona... I'm so sorry..." you sobbed. Your hands were shaking rapidly as you raised the sharp metal towards your throat.

"No! Y/N NO! PUT IT DOWN Y/N!!! PLEASE!!! IM BEGGING YOU - Y/N!!!" She started pleading with you. She sounded distraught.

You hated that you were putting her through this - the sooner it was over the better.

"I love you" you said to her.

Then you jammed the metal into your neck. Everything started to go black and you fell to the floor.

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Unbeknownst to you, a helicopter was searching for all of you.

Less than a minute after you'd severed your artery, paramedics were already trying to stop you from bleeding out. They'd found you just in time - how convenient! - not!

When you finally woke up you were back at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital.

"We thought we'd lost you Dr Y/n..." Bailey smiled at you as you opened your eyes.

At first, you were confused. It took a few seconds before all the memories started flooding back. The plane crashed. Lexie died. Everyone else was dying. You tried to kill yourself... oh God! You were alive. This wasn't good. Bailey could see you getting agitated.

"Dr Robbins has been asking about you - I know you two are practically joined at the hip!" She said.

That made you feel relieved at first knowing that she was ok but then you just felt more guilty. You put her through so much and, as long as you were alive, it was likely that you'd put her through more.

"What are you thinking?" Bailey tilts her head to look at you.

You don't say anything to her. You wanted her to leave so you could figure out what to do next. She told you she'd check back later and then you heard her talking to a nurse about how traumatised you appeared to be - she said it in a hushed tone but it's common knowledge that Bailey doesn't have a quiet voice.

Two days later, they let you walk around the hospital. You were being observed still and they were monitoring you to see if you needed to be admitted to psych - you'd successfully blamed your suicide attempt on the dehydration, claiming that it made you hallucinate. You hadn't spoken to anyone else from the crash yet. You decided you owed Arizona an apology. You wanted to see her and make sure she was doing ok - after all, she was your favourite person on the entire planet.

"Hey" you said as you entered her room.

"Y/n!!!" She smiled at you. Then she cried. Then she started to shout. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!!!"

"Arizona - I'm sorry..." you said to her.

"I missed you. And I thought you were dead." She stated as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I know. I really am sorry Zona..." you said.

"Callie cut off my leg..." she sobbed.

"What?"

"You've been out for weeks y/n... I thought you were dead! Then my leg went funky and they cut it off!!! I made her promise not to!!! And she did anyway!!!" She was sobbing hysterically so you walked up to her and wrapped your arms around her.

"You've never broken a promise to me y/n"

"No I haven't" you said, almost proudly.

"I need you to promise me something, ok?"

"Uh, ok?" You were confused.

"Promise me you won't pull a stunt like that again. I can't lose you y/n. Please. Promise me you won't try to kill yourself again. I've already lost too much. My brother, Lexie, my leg, Mark-"

"Mark?" You asked, stunned. You felt your heart drop.

"Three days ago - 5 o clock"

"No..." fresh tears streamed down your face.

You reach out and hold her hand.

"So promise me y/n..." she pleaded with you.

"I promise. But you need to promise me that you'll take care of yourself too - I know you're stubborn but you're going to need help getting through this, and I love you more than anything and need you to be ok - you're my favourite person! Also - promise you'll stop smoking when you're stressed, it's a gross habit and it makes me nervous for your health!" You replied.

She promised to both - even though she laughed when you mentioned the occasional smoking-, then you kissed her forehead gently and continued your walk around the hospital. Truth be told, you needed to get out of that room to break down. You couldn't do it in front of her.

You headed to your favourite supply closet and shut yourself in. You pressed your back against the door and slid down it, hands over your mouth - muffling your sobs so that people walking past wouldn't hear. This triggered you. It made you think about the shooting. It hadn't even occurred to you that you hid in this exact spot when the shooting happened. This reminded you of all the reasons you wanted out of this life. Your trauma was unbearable. You stood up and rummaged through the shelves in the supply closet. You found a suture kit - inside there was a scalpel.

You didn't even think twice about breaking your promise. You saw your opportunity and you knew this might be your last. You sliced open your neck and felt your ears burn before your vision went black.

3 months later

"Arizona have you been smoking in the house?!! It smells like shit in here!!! We have a young daughter and I'm not about to expose her to your second hand smoke!!" Callie screamed at Arizona.

"So what?" Arizona replied bitterly.

"And you need to shower!! Start taking care of yourself - I'm sure y/n wouldn't want you to be-"

"No Callie!! YOU DONT GET TO TALK ABOUT HER!!! I FEEL BAD ENOUGH ABOUT BREAKING MY PROMISE TO HER!!" She retaliated.

"Ok." Callie remained calm. "Do you wanna talk about this promise? Maybe it'll help?" She tried to be supportive.

"No Callie, nothing can help. Y/n is dead. Even if I quit smoking today she'd still be dead. If I shower - she's still dead. I'm breaking my promises to her and I feel terrible and it makes me think - did she feel terrible? When she broke her promise to me? Did she even care? When she-" Arizona broke down.

Callie passed her the box of tissues and rubbed her hand on Arizona's shoulder. Underneath the tissue box was your order of service booklet, from the funeral. Seeing it at that moment caused Arizona's heart to shatter. Callie held Arizona's head tightly in her arms and kissed her crown.

"Y/n loved you more than anything - that was obvious! But y/n was also in a great deal of pain - none of us could've known how badly she was struggling... it's not your fault, ok?" Callie whispered into Arizona's hair.

"Callie I loved her so much..."

"I know, baby"

"And I'm mad at her" Arizona confessed.

"I know"

"She wanted me to be ok Callie"

"I want you to be ok too - we all do"

"Can you help me to the shower?" Arizona leant on Callie as she led her to the shower.

When Callie left to get clean clothes from the bedroom, Arizona took a moment to say goodbye to you, properly this time - not just crying at your funeral.

"I forgive you," she started. "For breaking your promise - I'm gonna try to stick to mine because I want you to be proud of me and," she paused to choke back her tears, "and, you were my favourite person too..."

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Word count: 4942

Sorry it's a longer chapter - was debating putting it into two parts but then I didn't want to so I didn't...
I pulled an all nighter writing this which is probably why I actually cried at the end - I'm tired.
But let me know if this is any good, also I'm sorry it's another Arizona one - her and Amelia are my favs!!
Also RIP Y/n - she will be reincarnated for my next one shot lol (which will definitely not be Arizona or Amelia because I feel like you guys are gonna get bored - working on a suprise character currently ;))