⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ TW - depression, stress, anxiety, panic attacks, disordered eating, suicide attempt, self harm, substance abuse, vomiting, basically everything

Im being serious don't ignore the warning ⚠️

Don't ignore the warnings

Tue 3rd November 5:45 am

Your alarm goes off again. Lately, you'd been dreading the idea of going to work. When you were an intern you used to be so excited about surgery - you used to fight Cristina and Meredith just to be able to stand outside the OR. Now you're over a year into your residency and you're starting to feel the pressure. It's not fair. Cristina has such an aptitude for cardio so she's always an attending's first choice. Then Meredith is dating Derek so she gets on well with the attending's so they pick her next. Then Evil Spawn is hogging Peds even though he complains about it every day. So you're normally just left to oversee the clinic.

You've gotten used to it though. It gives you time to study. But the patients and their families are a lot more impatient in the clinic. After a surgery, family will often hug you when you give them good news but in the clinic you give them good news and they just get up and leave without another word to you. Truth be told, you haven't been feeling yourself lately. You've been staying up all night studying just so that you can be almost as good as the twisted sisters. Or even just good enough for an attending to want you on their service. It's hopeless though. You're starting to regret choosing medicine as a career. It's thankless and you've lost the passion for it. Every day someone is rude to you or vomits on you. Every day.

You turn off your alarm and roll out of bed. You really didn't want to go into work. You felt nothing but dread. You rush straight to the bathroom and throw up from sheer anxiety. You sit under the sink and hug your knees to your chest whilst you wait for your body to stop shaking. This is a daily routine now. You moved into Meredith's house after Izzie left so it's always busy. You should never have expected to get privacy this morning. Cristina walks past the bathroom and knocks. At least she knocks - the others don't.

"Hey y/n, heard you throwing your guts up - who's the daddy?" She jokes.

"What?" You barely registered what she said because your ears were ringing.

"I'm asking if you're pregnant dumbass"

"Oh no I think it's just something I ate aha"

You stand up and clutch onto the sink for support. Then you start to get ready for work. You felt like a zombie. You didn't feel alive but you weren't dead. You couldn't feel anything but hollow and empty. You needed to get your head in the game before you left. You rummaged through the cupboard under the sink until you came across the first aid kit. It's a house full of surgeons so there was a scalpel and some gauze in there. You pulled up your sleeves and traced a finger over your old cuts - some of them were bad enough for stitches. You made some fresh cuts and gasped as the blade dug into your skin. You felt revitalised. You still didn't want to go into work but at least you were awake.

When you'd arrived at the hospital and changed into scrubs you headed to the pit to see if you could get on a trauma case. You were fed up of the clinic.

"Excuse me nurse but could you step out of the way we've got a trauma incoming-" Owen Hunt says to you.

You went to correct him but he'd already pushed you aside. He didn't even know you existed. He didn't know you were a resident - in the same class as Cristina and Meredith! You figured you'd head up to the peds floor and see if they needed help up there. You ask at the reception desk but they tell you that Robbins only needed the one resident and that was Karev. You shrugged and decided that your best hope was probably the clinic again.

As you're dragging yourself towards the clinic a man stops you.

"Excuse me nurse do you know anything about my son - he's 12 - just came in? He was burnt when the fryer in my chip van spilt- it's my fault" he asks you and starts tearing up.

You thought about correcting him and telling him you're a doctor - not a nurse, but you didn't because he seemed distressed and in comparison to what he's going through, your title didn't matter.

"Ok sir, take a breath for me and I'll see what I can find out" you say to him.

You turn around and go back up to the Peds floor.

"Dr Robbins..." you start and she turns around.

"Oh sorry I'm not really looking for any more doctors today Dr... sorry what was your name?" She asks you.

"Dr Y/n and- "

"Ooh are you new?" She cuts you off.

"No. I've been here as long as Karev has - before you were even here..." you tell her bluntly. You weren't having a good day.

"No you can't have been or I would've noticed you, right?"

"Ha! Apparently not. Don't worry, Hunt called me a nurse earlier and shoved me so... anyways I was looking for an update for a father in the waiting room - said his son is 12 and was bought in with extensive burns?"

"Oh yes! I'll go down and update him now, thank you!" And that was it. You weren't useful anymore.

You head to the supply closet and sit behind a shelf of thermal blankets. Your usual spot. You pull out a notepad and pen and start writing down steps of various surgical procedures to test your knowledge. You get startled when your pager goes off. Nobody ever pages you so you figured there must be a huge trauma coming in. This was your chance to step up.

As you ran to the pit you couldn't believe it. So many people. Apparently a train had come off the rails. You saw Dr Torres out of the corner of your eye with quite possibly the coolest patient you'd ever seen. You looked around to see if any of the other residents had spotted it but they hadn't so you rushed up to Torres.

You were a bit out of breath when you started to talk "Can I be on your service today - please! This is like the coolest thing I've ever seen - I promise I'll stay out if your way! Please Dr Torres I'm begging you - I'm Dr Y/n by the way I'm a resident-" you were rambling.

"Woah, let me stop you there! I know who you are Dr Y/n - you wrote the paper on bone marrow and that's what got you into this program - I think you're going to be an excellent ortho surgeon - you can be my apprentice from now on. You're a hostage. My ortho offspring - wait that sounded weirder than I meant it too! Anyways, you're the only resident I'd want on this case!" She smiles at you.

"You know me?" You questioned.

"Um obviously... you work here!" she laughs.

"Yeah well apparently that isn't common knowledge." You state as you help her lift the patient on to the table.

Callie tells you that you can scrub in once they've finished prepping the patient for surgery so you leave and mentally prepare yourself. Just as you're heading up to the OR floor a man shouts after you. It was the man from earlier - the parent of the 12 year old.

"Hey! Nurse! You told me you'd have information about my son!" He's almost screaming at you.

"I thought Dr Robbins came down to speak with you?"

"Well you women never do anything you're told to!!!" He's screaming at you.

"Ok sir, take a seat and I'll page her down here-" you try to calm him down.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO - KNOW YOUR PLACE IGNORANT WOMAN!!"

He punches you right across the face. You just look at him - you know he's distressed and anxious about his son so you just turn around and walk away.

As you step into the OR Callie gives you a stern look.

"You're late. I thought you wanted on this case?" She starts.

"Yes I do I really do- wait. You got Grey to scrub in instead of me?" Your voice breaks - you were really hurt.

"You weren't here." Callie says. It was cold of her.

"Sorry I was busy getting punched by an angry misogynist!" You say sarcastically and turn around, storming out of the OR. You had to get out before you burst into tears in front of everyone.

You were stupid to think that you could ever compete with Meredith Grey. Of course she stole that cool surgery from under you. The man had a bone sticking out of his abdomen. And it wasn't even his bone!!! But that doesn't matter now. As you're walking down the corridor you bump into Arizona Robbins.

"Oh Dr Y/n - what is this I hear about you attacking my patient's father? Why can't you understand that he's distressed? Honestly I think it would be better if you were new because at least then I could try and blame your - I'm gonna say it - stupidity!- on your inexperience!! We don't attack visitors!!!" She berates you.

You had tears in your eyes. "You done?" You ask her.

"No. You don't give attitude to your superiors either!" She walks away.

You go back to your supply closet and lock yourself in. You feel useless. And worthless. And basically all the words that end in 'less'. You feel less. Out of instinct, you search the room for a scalpel. You find one in a pack and roll up your sleeves again.

Unbeknownst to you, Callie was asking hospital staff if they'd seen you.

"Hey Arizona," Callie calls to the blonde.

"Mm" she didn't look up from her chart.

"Have you seen my resident - Dr Y/n?"

"Not in the last hour. Saw her earlier though. I had to put her in her place about patient care. Apparently something went down between her and my patient's father-"

"Yeah, I heard. He punched her-" Callie told her.

"What? No,no he said- oh no! I was so rude to her! I thought she was jus- oh my god- why didn't she stop me from having a go at her- I mean she could've said- oh Callie I feel awful - let me know if you find her so I can apologise" Arizona says.

"I owe her an apology too - I replaced her with Grey because she was late to my surgery. And she was only late because she was punched by that guy-" Callie sighs.

"Who are we apologising to ladies?" Owen Hunt walked up behind them.

"Callie's resident - wait I think you owe her an apology too! She said something about you calling her a nurse this morning and pushing her out if the way?" Arizona informs him.

"She isn't a nurse?" Owen says ignorantly.

Meanwhile, you were so fed up of everybody thinking you were useless. People didn't even notice you - that's how useless you were. All day, every day you get trampled on by patients and fellow doctors. You had to stitch a few of the cuts on your arm but once you'd cleaned up, you headed to an on call room just to rest your eyes.

By the time you'd woken up your shift had ended. You decided to make your way to Joe's.

Part 2...

2013 words so far
(Ok I'm thinking that if I post this part now it will motivate me to finish part 2 soon)
There's probably typos I'm very tired