A/N This chapter was over 7,000 words and has been split into two chapters. The two chapters are substantially different from the original posted and have new images of Elena and Dr. Flynn.

Please be aware that the characters and events in this fanfic will not always be consistent with the original #FSoG trilogy.

***PossibleTriggers***

"Taylor, Gail I'll take it from here," she nods her golden head regally at them. From the corner of my eye, I see her usher the pair out of the penthouse. They obey as if at her command. Tall, slender, regal, enigmatic, that's Elena.

"You haven't been this upset in a real long time tell me what's happened," Elena speaks casually, her eyes not missing my flinch.

"Was it Taylor or Gail who asked you to come?"

"Let's leave them out of this. What matters is that you needed a friend. I'm here so lay it on me."

"Lay it on you, is that some kind of come on?"

"Our arrangement ended six years ago so you could meet someone closer to your own age."

"You are close to my age."

"But worlds apart, I'm raising four kids with a man I'd rather not have any dealings with. You on the other hand are a billionaire bachelor with the world at his feet. You should be out there having the time of your life, instead you are contemplating life at the edge of your balcony?"

"I was thinking about what it must have been like to walk the tight rope between the twin towers."

"You weren't thinking of stepping off the balcony."

"Only if I could walk onto a tight rope."

"Almost takes me back when we lived for thrills and adrenaline pumping activities," Elena smiles as if remembering a nostalgic time before becoming serious, "You've been different since you met what's her name again?"

It was adrenaline pumping, body ripping sex outdoors. That was before Elena's boob job, before she had kids.

There's only one person for me now. "Her name's Anastasia Steele," I chuckle. Elena never forgets a name.

"That's it. Ever since you met Anastasia, you've asked me, if you're a violent man, I don't know anyone more protective than you. I have never met a philanthropist more generous or selfless as you are. You are a good man, a hero even yet when you talk to me about Anastasia it's almost as if you're trying to justify our lifestyle that produces the strongest bonds in couples."

I remember when Elena got her husband, Donald Lincoln not to press charges against me for criminal damage. She's fights like a tiger for me, no friend had done that for me before. She got the money that launched Grey Enterprises off the ground.

Elena is my past. Anastasia is my future. "It's not like that, Anastasia loves me, she's made me the happiest I have ever been."

"Happy? Really? If you have someone that loves you that much, why are you so miserable? Why was Anastasia inconsolable this morning when Taylor took her home? Why aren't you both spending the weekend together?"

She cuts to the heart of the problem. I'll have to talk to Taylor about confiding in you about my personal business. But then again he knows the person I am closest to, other than the sub in my life, is Elena. Fifteen subs have come and gone but there has been one fixture, Elena. "Jeez what's with the twenty questions?" She makes me feel like a naughty school boy.

"Don't let me ask you again Christian," she demands her face etched with concern.

I take a deep breath, "Ana left me." Admitting that to someone else somehow makes it more real. An indescribable pain washes over me and my chest tightens.

"I'm confused," Elena replied, "You just said she loved you. If she did, she wouldn't have left you like this?"

"I told her that I only have sexual relations with women in a submissive relationship with me. She asked me to show her the extent of flagellation given to my subs. I sought her consent and she gave it. I reminded her of the safe words but she never used them nor did she give me reason to think she was not into what I was doing," my voice waivers and Elena reaches over and squeezes my hand. I continue.

"I hit her with a belt, making her count each of the six strikes. As I finished, I thought she derived as much pleasure from it as my other subs. She pushed me away and as good as told me I was sick, then fled. I followed her to the bedroom but she didn't talk to me most of the night. She didn't want me to alleviate her pain with medication or to apply ointment to her backside." The lump in my throat makes it difficult to talk so I pause.

"It's OK," Elena encourages me with a smile.

"At dawn, Anastasia said she'd never let me do that again. She had decided that she couldn't be what I needed. She didn't want me to hold or comfort her. If you look on the counter over there, you'll see she left the blackberry, laptop and car I bought her. She didn't want to have anything that reminded her of me."

"Did you feel like you went too far as you were flagellating her?"

"No, I was in control, like you taught me. I was paying attention to her body language in case she had a change of heart or used a safe word. I'd never intentionally hurt anyone who trusted me enough to give me the gift of their submission."

"If you could turn back time, would you have acted any differently last night?"

"No."

"That's all I need to know Christian," It feels good to confide in someone who trusts my version of events.

"I think you need to talk through how you're feeling with your therapist. Hmmm this omelette is delicious."

She says using my fork to bite into my food.

"Anastasia gave Gail the recipe. Don't keep me in suspense, tell me what you really think of the predicament I find myself in. I'm dying here," I tease.

"This is your life and only you can decide what is best for you but from your account of what happened, Anastasia comes across as immature for a twenty one year old."

"What do you mean?" I don't like the way this is going.

"Well for one thing, she should have kept the lines of communications open with you when she fled your flagellation session. Before leaving here, she should have composed herself so your neighbours, Taylor and any other curious person wouldn't start to speculating about the young girl that left the penthouse suite in a torrent of tears. You're a private man and Anastasia is not showing the maturity and discretion of your former subs, Leila aside given recent events."

"I trust Ana."

"In my life, people have said a lot of things, made promises that ended up being nothing more than a mirage. I believe what people do, never what they say. Does Anastasia know about our history?"

"Yes," I reply sheepishly.

"Oh no."

"What?"

"She doesn't get the lifestyle, how is she going to understand our friendship?"

"She doesn't."

"You told Anastasia about us?"

"I did."

"My ex, the Kingpin will kill me if your family or people we know find out that you and I had an affair."

He beat her so badly six years ago, she was admitted to hospital. "Ironic Donald would care when he used you as a punching bag. Anastasia will keep our secret. She knows how dangerous he can be."

"Her withholding of affection from you last night after she asked for the flagellation is passive aggressive. People like that are adept at manipulating others."

"She wouldn't out you as my Mrs. Robinson."

"Do you mean woman who seduced the reluctant graduate? Anastasia certainly has a sense of humour," Elena throws her head back and laughs. "Did you not tell her I was your teenage obsession, you were drawn to me and made the first move? You were a live wire even back then," she smiles mischievously as if remembering something.

"Anastasia's sense of humour is one of her most attractive attributes."

"I can see why. What did you tell her about us?"

"Only that I was your sub at fifteen."

"You may have kissed me when you were fifteen but I did not reciprocate. For goodness sake Christian don't give her the wrong impression," she sounds exasperated. "Our relationship began as a non sexual BDSM relationship from your sixteenth birthday. It wasn't until you were twenty one that we had carnal knowledge and we were discovered..." her words faded out as if it was too painful to continue.

I reach for the scar from her left wrist to her arm. The force with which her ex pushed her and blows he rained on her body nearly caused a broken rib to pierce her heart and her face needed to be reconstructed.

"You should've left him."

"He is a dangerous man with money and power. I could only leave on his terms. We present a united family image to the world although we're divorced. This has allowed me to keep an eye on his activities. You and I are beginning to penetrate some of the dirty business deals and misery he's peddling here and as far afield as Sudan. Your humanitarian efforts there are the perfect cover for us to catch him in the act. Which is why the people we have relations sign confidentiality agreements, I don't want my children to end up orphans the way you and I did."

"If it wasn't for you, I would've been a substance abuser, like the crack whore that gave me life. Anastasia will be the soul of discretion about us. Anyway if anything ever happened to you I'd save your kids the way you saved me."

"The way you speak about your birth mother, someone could be mistakenly think that you hated her. You ran away from every care home, every foster family to go back and look after her. You took beatings for your mother, those are not the actions of someone that hates his birth mother. I merely channelled your protection instincts by getting you into the football team which played to this strength. Protecting the people in your life no matter how morally compromised."

If it wasn't for Elena's intervention, he wouldn't have won a scholarship to Harvard. "Why do we never talk about that time," I feel a wave of pain hit me thinking about the first time I saw him punch Elena in the stomach causing her to double over in pain and throw up. She stood there defiantly not defending his blows. I rushed out, got into Dad's midnight blue, Range Rover Sport and rammed it into his sleek, red, Porshe 9-1-1. Dad and Mom made me work off the damage by doing their landscaping.

"I guess because it's like reopening and old wound rather than letting it heal."

"Do you ever think it was a mistake making me your sub?" A part of me wonders if Elena exploited me.

"How old is Anastasia now?"

"Twenty one, like the guy Mrs. Robinson seduced."

"Very funny," Elena smiles, "Do you think she fully appreciates all the implications of her actions and decisions?"

I think about last night. "No. What has that got to do with my question?"

"I was eighteen when we met Christian. You kissed me but you were not my sub until you were sixteen when you were landscaping for us. I'm thirty now, and with the experience of being a mother I would have liked to have made different decisions than I did when I was eighteen. We didn't have sex until you were twenty one but our years together helped you develop the discipline and coping strategies you rely on today. Do you regret being my sub?"

"No. You made me the man that I am." I see tears form in her eyes again and I am at a loss because life has been so tough on her she almost never gives in to sentiment.

I stand up and put the cups, plates and cutlery away in the dish washer. "I have seen tears in your eyes a handful or times."

"Are you counting?"

"Maybe, it's rare. Come let's move to the living room," I take her hand in mine and seat her on the sofa. I fish out my digital camera and show her the photograph I took with her son and daughter after a school ballet performance. I had never seen her look more happy or proud.

"This is one of the few times I have seen tears in your eyes. I settle on the ground at her feet.

"You shouldn't have kept it," she chastises me.

"Look at how happy you are with your children, no one else will see it," I reassure her.

"I sure hope so," her fingers run through my hair, "Christian, you'll beat this by jumping right back in the saddle. Do you have any plans for this evening?"

"Yes...I mean I did. I'll RSVP a fundraising dinner I was going to attend with Anastasia."

"Don't cancel, Anastasia has acted in a way that has made you feel guilty and wretched even though you did nothing wrong. She then walked out on you in tears so anyone looking at her in that state could judge you. She wants you to waste time thinking about her, don't do it. Catch up on work then meet Diana. It won't hurt to unwind in a non sexual outing with a beautiful, intelligent, mature young lady who appreciates the lifestyle."

"I'll think about it." I feel a little overwhelmed with how much I miss Anastasia. Her phone beeps and Elena reaches over for a wrap that covers up her cleavage. Why did she have a boob job? An enhancement as she once described it. Her breasts, those longer than usual nipples were perfection during ice play. I'll never understand women.

Elena get's up and rises to full six foot, three inches in heels. She towers over me and for an instant I am the unsure teenager on the floor looking up at her.

She gives me her hand and I rise up.

"I've got to go, your next guest is here."

"Guest?"

"I asked your therapist to check in."

"Oh," I say almost speechless. I must have really scared Elena for her to ask Dr. Flynn to make a house call. Then I remember she knows me better than anyone else in the whole world. She knows I'm drowning and is throwing me a life line.

"I want you to remember something Christian. It is how someone makes you feel, it is what they do in your life that lets you know whether or not they love you. If they inspire you to be the best of you, that's how you know you are smitten."

"To change?"

"In my experience people don't change. They can deceive themselves that they can or have but their true nature always comes out. If someone doesn't want you just as you are, you should rethink that relationship," she pauses, licks her lips then continues, "After the childhood you had, I want you to be happy, truly happy. Whether it's with Anastasia or some other person, but don't you ever scare me like you did this morning. Look after you." She blinks away tears forming in her eyes.

Elena emotional? What next, hell freezes over? I must have really scared her. "Your wish is my command, ma'am." I pull her into what I hope is a reassuring hug. She pulls away as the lift doors open but I hold on to her left hand. The one with the barely visible scar.

She lowers her voice. "We don't let our scars define us. I'll phone you in a few hours."

"Yes ma'am." I smile as her hand slips away from my grasp. I feel her complete trust and support for me. A lump forms in my throat, I am a little overwhelmed that she's always comes to my rescue. She who knows all the bad decisions I have made in my life, sees the good in me and wills me to be happy.

I watch her sway elegantly towards the elevator, flash a dazzling smile and extend a hand to Dr. Flynn who shakes it.

"Dr. Flynn, it's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine dear lady, I assure you."

"I'll take my leave gentlemen. Have a great day," she says as the elevator doors close.

~~~

"Knock me over with feather," Dr. Flynn says staring agape at the elevator doors that close.

"She's nothing like the person you talk about in our therapy sessions Christian. You've been holding out on me."

"Pick your jaw off the floor John, you might catch something," I say cuttingly. "How did you imagine Mrs. Lincoln?"

We walk towards the living room. I take a seat and offer Dr. Flynn the one opposite me.

"Not as charismatic as the woman I just saw."

"May I get you anything, coffee, something stronger?"

"No thank you Christian. Sounds like there was a bit of a palaver this morning, eh?"

"I don't even know what that means."

"I found myself rather popular on a Saturday morning. I received a call from you asking if I was free today, shortly afterwards a call by your good man Taylor and then Mrs. Lincoln said she was coming to see you and if I could come by within the hour. I found myself quite unable to say no despite my hangover. What happened?"

More than I did with Elena, I talked John through how my relationship began with Ana falling into my office to the events of last night and this morning with Anastasia. How I believed I had her consent for the flagellation and her outburst immediately after. How she did not talk to me most of the night. How she withdrew affection from me before walking out of my life. She left all the gifts I gave her because she didn't want to have any reminders of me.

He nodded or made listening sounds not interrupting my monologue.

"I think I have a grasp of the situation Christian. Ana has enjoyed certain aspects of your lifestyle but not others and you have been adapting accordingly. First by acknowledging her as your first girlfriend and by reducing the pain you inflicted on her. She wanted to experience the equivalent of what you did with former subs but flagellation was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. She has also expressed concern about your relationship with Mrs. Lincoln."

"You got it in a nut shell John."

"Hmmm let's unpack this shall we? You thought Ana would find the flagellation as pleasurable as the erotic spanking. She gave you consent to do this as you did to your former subs, so you hit her hard six times. Her response was anger, disgust, silence, a withdrawal of affection which has in turn led to what you describe. Intense feelings of guilt, rejection and loss. I have been consulted by people in similar situations that become confused and were looking for answers, felt wounded by their partners and frightened by the unexpected change in the relationship. I worked with a Neurophysiologist at the University of Oxford and when we scanned the heads of rejected partners in loving relationships that reported these feelings, we found areas of the brain associated with stress, addiction cravings, reward, motivation, physical pain and distress all lit up like a Christmas tree."

Oh my God that's exactly how I'm feeling. Dr. Flynn really knows his stuff.

"Anastasia and I have had an indescribable attraction to one another from the moment we met and I want our relationship to work."

"You've opened yourself up to someone other than a submissive who respects the boundaries you set and controlled. This is progress. I also sense a lack of synchronicity in the relationship you had. Ana did not sign the contract to be your sub, although negotiations continued and through performance seemed willing to the lifestyle you proposed. She is the party that has withdrawn. The issue is not with you, it is with her. She said she wanted to protect herself, give her the personal space to do that and get the confidence to more effectively communicate with you. Let her know that you are there for her whenever she is ready to reengage with you."

"And that's it?" It seemed too simplistic a solution for a physical and emotional conundrum.

"Pretty much," John shrugged.

"Not sure that's worthy of the hefty cheque I'm about to write for this session and the house call."

"Christian, your session today and tomorrow has already been paid for by Mrs. Lincoln. I would be interested in what you expected me to say."

"Yes, I suppose so, and yes, I agree in hindsight it was foolish of me. I got carried away."

"I could use a map to navigate my way out of this emotional and physical pain and have Anastasia back as my girlfriend."

"You no longer want her as a sub?"

"I would prefer her to be my sub, rather than not have her in my life, I could settle for having her as a girlfriend."

"Beginning to come up with compromises is a quantum leap forward," Dr. Flynn scribbled into his writing pad. "There are no easy answers to mending a broken relationship but this is as good a time as any to also think about how your relationship with Ana intersects with your traumatic childhood and your relationship with Mrs. Lincoln."

"What are you saying," I cross my arms on my chest and lean back on the sofa.

"Have I touched a nerve Christian?"

"Of course not," I say trying to sound neutral, but end up sounding defensive.

"Ana walked away leaving you free to process your childhood trauma, the relief you get from it through the BDSM lifestyle and coping mechanism you learnt from Mrs. Lincoln."

"There's nothing to process. My birth mother's pimp took pleasure beating me and making me helpless. When I was Mrs. Lincoln's sub I was able to re-enact the helplessness I felt as a child in a controlled environment. My flash backs and nightmares reduced in intensity and frequency over time. She taught me self discipline that got me off drugs and booze, improved my academic performance and got me the scholarship to Harvard. She taught me to trust again. The lifestyle is my catharsis. I am dealing with my trauma constructively and functioning day to day."

"You also get sexual gratification from BDSM."

"Anastasia and I do."

"Before withdrawing from you, Ana was concerned about aspects of the lifestyle. When you let her know that you will be here whenever she wants to talk, think about whether it is possible to cut out part of the lifestyle she is concerned about. Are you into relationships with more than one woman at a time?

"No."

"I've saw you with Mrs. Lincoln and you look extremely close despite being former lovers. You see her every week and here is this image of you with her children. What's the occasion?"

"It was her children's talent show. Elliott took the photo."

"Is it possible that your closeness to Mrs. Lincoln makes Ana feel insecure?"

"Anastasia resents the idea that my relationship with Mrs. Lincoln, began when I was fifteen. What I mean is that I had a crush on her but a relationship did not begin until I was sixteen and even then it was not sexual for several years."

"I think you should clarify the relationship with Ana if she contacts you to discuss last night and how she ended the relationship."

"I have given you enough to think about. Try to go out and enjoy the rest of the weekend."

"Will you tell Mrs. Lincoln about our session today?"

"The only time I would discuss anything with a third party is if I had cause to worry about your safety or you posed a threat to the safety of another. That does not apply here in my professional opinion."

"Good."

"You are fortunate to have people in your life that care about you," he said getting up. I stand up and shake hands with him and walk towards the elevator.

"Thanks for the house call John."

"I'll see you tomorrow," he picks up his pad and puts it in his briefcase.

As the elevator door closes, Taylor re-enters the penthouse through the front door. John most likely phoned to let him know that I was home alone.

~~~

By early afternoon I'm sitting in my Seattle office, having eaten the sub roll Gail insisted on making for me for lunch. She and Taylor are around this weekend instead of taking some personal time. Talk about dedication.

Taylor's dropped from DEFCON1 to maybe a DEFCON2 or 3, reassured that I look and sound more like myself after meeting with Elena and John.

On my office desk, I have Anastasia's MacBook, her Blackberry, the car keys, and the Blanik glider model kit with her handwritten note to me. I open my desk drawer, and take out the Cartier box that contains the diamond earrings I was going to give her to wear tonight.

I phone Andrea who is not in the office today.

"Andrea could you contact the organisers of tonight's fund raiser and send my apologies for not being able to attend. Tell them that a substantial donation will be with them by Monday." I can't face the idea of going to it now. I go to so many of these things I can't even remember what this one is for.

"Of course Mr. Grey. Will Miss Steele be attending alone in your absence?"

"Neither of us will be attending and I'm sure they will not mind our absence given the generous donation I will be making." I slam the phone back down on the desk, having no wish to explain anything further to her.

Next, I check the updates from Ana's surveillance team. I know she'll be on her own, because Kate's away on vacation in Barbados now. They report that Ana hasn't left the apartment since Taylor dropped her back. She's probably sleeping, as neither of us slept last night.

I hope she's eaten something, although I suspect she probably hasn't. Perhaps I could get something sent over to her. No, she needs space to process the events of last night.

I open the Cartier box to look at the diamond drop earrings. I'm pleased with how my design turned out; they made a good job of them. I was really looking forward to seeing Anastasia wearing them, to seeing her all dressed up, wearing a beautiful gown, and walking into the fund raiser on my arm.

She would have made the evening fun, instead of interminably boring as usual. That sums up what Ana did for my whole life really. In such a short time, she made it fun instead of boring, she made my life worth living. Like I told her, she breathed new life into me. She swept away the boredom.
But now – nothing. Back to the ennui that has plagued my life for as long as I can remember.

I snap the box shut and put in back in the drawer. How am I going to get through this? Is what John suggested possible? It all comes down to compromise. Choose between a lifestyle I am immersed in, or have Anastasia as my girlfriend.

Given the pleasure of our Red Room sessions, Ana should have realised that I needed her to acquiesce to my needs. As I go through the quarterly performance reports and profit projection reports, I wonder if I am strong enough to give up a lifestyle that has been a part of me for eleven years, nearly half my life. If she can give up what we have, I should seriously consider the possibility of formalising an arrangement with Diana who understands my needs. This is a good time to start moving on...

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Content Warning: The fan fiction you are reading describes adult, liberal, unconventional relationships. The characters, their personalities, occupations, relationships and events in this story are not always consistent with the original stories 'Fifty Shades of Grey' or 'Grey'. Hopefully they reflect the complexities and moral ambiguities of the original. Billed as erotica with unconventional relationships accessible to a mature audience, this story develops through consensual BDSM themed sexual encounters.

If you do not want to access a multimedia erotic romance that involves extra marital relationships, same sex attraction, ménage à trios, triggers, mental health issues, flash backs of child abuse or descriptions of sexual conduct, please stop reading now.

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