I leave the graduation ceremony to keep my appointment with Doctor Flynn. I would've liked to have stayed longer to join Anastasia and her step dad for lunch just to see a bit more of how they interact with each other. Perhaps another time. Not if she's your sub Grey - for fucks sake, you don't play happy families with your subs, do you?

On the way back, the Hinder track 'Better Than Me' comes on.

'I think you can do so much better than me, after all the lies I made you believe.'

The lyrics seem to taunt me, and so I forward to the next track. Listen to those words, Grey. Doesn't Anastasia deserve a man who can give her the whole hearts and flowers thing that she wants?

John Flynn is sitting at his desk at the far end of his pale green consulting room when I walk in. I'm guessing he's gone for the green décor to help promote a calm ambiance. Christ alone knows what sick shit he has to listen to in here. He has a reputation for dealing with the most twisted and fucked up bastards that no one else can deal with - that's how come I've ended up with him. I don't know if it's his cool, calm British manner that helps, but I've been seeing him for about two years now, which is far longer than I've lasted with any other shrink.

He's wearing his usual casual attire, no tie or formal stuffed suits for him. I think he actually enjoys the challenges I throw at him, and he never dis-plays any kind of shock or horror, whatever I tell him. So I rely on him as someone I can dump all my shit and angst on.

As usual, I go and sit on one of his dark green leather couches for today's session, while he comes over and sits in his usual winged chair with his leather notepad. After the unsettling week I've just experienced, I find it calming to be back here, going through our normal routine.

"How was your trip back to London?" I ask him.

That's why I haven't had a consultation for a while, he's been back in England for a couple of weeks. He says I can always have a consultation by phone if I need it, but it's not the same.

"Good, thanks. Made a nice change for me to be back with other Brits who share my sense of humor. I think you Yanks find me a bit weird, you know?"

His eyes sparkle at the joke that he's the weird one here.

"Well, I sure as hell have no idea what you're talking about when you start on about cricket. Give me baseball any day of the week." I tell him.

This is how we usually start off a session, with some friendly banter.

"So, how are you, Christian? Anything happen while I was away that I should know about, or is this just a maintenance session?"

I don't answer straight away. Where to start, how to explain. I pick at a piece of imaginary fluff on my pants as I prepare to open up.

"There have been some... developments," I start hesitantly. Shit, this is hard, even with Flynn.

His interest is immediately piqued.

"Go on. What kind of developments?" he gently encourages me.

I heave a big sigh.

"There's this girl. The usual little brown haired type. She sort of fell into my office to interview me, and then..."

Flynn waits a minute or two, before prompting me.

"And then what, Christian?"

"And then I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had endless fantasies of her in my playroom, with me fucking her every possible way. So I ordered a background check to find out more about her, then I followed her back down to Portland and found an excuse to go see her. I thought that would help me to get her out of my head, you know? But it didn't."

"You don't have a contractual submissive at the moment, do you?"

"No, so I thought maybe this girl could be my new one. I know it's not my usual method for recruiting a sub, but my first impression of Anastasia was that she could be a natural for the role."

"Anastasia - that's this girl's name I take it?"

"Yeah, that's right. So I took her out for a coffee and started checking things out with her, and it seemed like it might be possible."

"Did she know about your BDSM lifestyle at this point?"

"Shit no! So of course she thought I was taking her out on a normal date. And seeing as she's such a really sweet, lovely girl, I realized it wasn't fair, so I put a stop to it, told her that I wasn't the man for her."

"That was an end to it then?"

"No, because I stupidly couldn't leave it there could I? She looked so upset when I blew her off that I sent her a gift by way of an apology, to try and ex-plain that she was far better off not getting involved with a man like me."

"Very noble of you. What did you send her?"

"Just some old books I thought she might like. She's an English Lit. student, into classic books and so forth. But all I did was make things worse. Next thing I know, she's drunk dialed me, asking why I sent them. She'd drunk too much cheap alcohol and was virtually comatose, putting herself at risk. So as I felt kind of responsible, I had to go find her, make sure she didn't come to any harm. Just as well I did because when I found her, this other fucker she knows was hitting on her, when she couldn't lift a finger to stop him. Christ knows what would have happened if I hadn't shown up. So when she passed out, I had no option but to bring her back to my hotel to keep her safe."

"So you were her knight in shining armor?"

I snort with derision at this suggestion.

"Hardly. But the weird thing was..."

"Yes?"

"Well, you know better than anyone else about my sleep and nightmare is-sues, how I never have anyone else sleep with me in my bed?"

"Your parasomnia, yes. So what was weird? What happened?"

"Nothing. That's the point. I put Anastasia to sleep in my bed in my suite at The Heathman, and then I lay down next to her, so I could check she wasn't going to choke on her vomit or anything. I didn't touch her, I wouldn't do that without her consent, that's not my thing, however fucking beautiful she looked lying there. And then I slept with her, and amazingly I slept really, really well. Deep refreshing sleep, with no nightmares."

"Oh, I see. How fascinating."

"Yeah, well it freaked me somewhat because the only other time I can ever remember anyone sleeping with me and calming me down was my mom when I had nightmares as a young boy. And I'm sure as hell at this point not thinking of Anastasia as any kind of a substitute mother figure with all the ways I'd like to fuck her going on in my head."

"No, I think this Anastasia is just someone who relaxes you, makes you feel at ease, that's all."

"I guess so. You see, she has this amazing natural scent, her hair, her skin - it just seems to reach me somehow. I can't really explain."

"It happens that way sometimes. Part of the complex human pheromone interaction. Perhaps because she had passed out you didn't feel she didn't pose any kind of threat to you, so that was why you slept so well. It might not be the same the next time."

"No, it wasn't a one off. I've slept with her again, and each time, same thing, I sleep really well. But of course I've resolved that it won't be happening again."

"Why ever not?"

"Because a Dominant doesn't sleep with his sub, that's why. I fuck them and leave them. Aside from the whole 'touching' issue, sleeping together is not how I do things."

"Even if you really like it? Just because that's how you've always done things doesn't meant to say it can't change, Christian."

"It's what's always worked for me, so why change a successful formula?"

"Maybe you need to rethink some of your parameters, but we can get to that later. So what happened with Anastasia when she woke up in the morning?"

"After she freaked a bit, she said she still wanted to see me. And although I knew I should send her away, that it would be better for her if I did, I just couldn't. Since that first day I met her, I haven't been able to forget about her or get her out of my head. I just can't stay away from her, even though I know I should. So that evening I flew her up to Seattle, first time I've taken a girl up in my helicopter. I came clean; I showed her my playroom so she could be in no doubt at all about exactly what kind of a relationship with her I was interested in. I want to be her Dominant, for her to be my submis-sive, and I explained in detail exactly what this would entail."

"And how did she take this? I'm assuming she wasn't already into the BDSM scene, that this was all new to her?"

"She took it all remarkably calmly actually. Especially when it turns out she's never even had sex before, even though she's nearly twenty two. I've only gone and found myself a fucking virgin. A virgin for Christ's sake. I've never been so shocked by anything before in all my life, I can tell you."

I think at this point even Flynn is shocked, although he quickly recovers and hides it well.

"A virgin? Well yes, I can imagine how that must have come as quite an un-expected turn of events for someone used to a lifestyle such as yours. So did she leave then?"

"No, and here's the thing. Until I showed her my playroom, she'd assumed she was coming to my place for us to make love. She'd decided she wanted to sleep with me and lose her virginity. And then even after I've shown her all my whips and shackles shit, she still wants me, even though I've said I'm only interested in fucking, not making love. So I'm thinking maybe the life-style will appeal to her if I gradually introduce her to it slowly. But she had to have at least experienced sex to be able to make an informed choice, so I said I'd go through all the basic vanilla sex with her first, to give her some idea. And she agreed to this."

"So then you took her into your playroom?"

"No, of course not, even I'm not that sick and depraved to take a young virgin in there. So we had sex in my bed instead. Several times."

"Christian, you're telling me you actually had vanilla sex with Anastasia, in your own bed? This really is an unusual turn of events and a first for you. So how did you find the experience?"

"You see, here's another weird and unexpected thing. It was fucking awe-some. I've always believed that vanilla wouldn't satisfy me, that it would be boring, but that couldn't be further from the truth. At least with Anastasia anyhow."

"And how was it for Anastasia, as she was a virgin?"

"Turns out she's a natural at sex, she was amazing. Of course, with all my experience I made sure her initiation was pretty mind blowing, seeing as I'm the first man to have her. I've never experienced taking someone's virginity before, and you know what? It really turned me on big time, knowing that no other man had so much as touched her before. She'd never even pleas-ured herself, so her first orgasm and every orgasm she's had since is mine. So it feels like she totally belongs just to me, no one else."

"I can see how that would appeal to a man like you Christian, with your need to control."

"And man, it was just so fucking good between us. But of course she doesn't understand about all the shit that comes with me. She wants to touch me, and that complicates things. I really need to get her signed up as my sub, then I can begin her proper training under contract, in line with my hard limits, and the rules. So this last week I've been on tenterhooks trying to persuade her to sign up."

"I've been totally honest with her about what I'm offering. But it's been a fucking nightmare living with the indecision while she's been making up her mind, and I've broken all sorts of my rules trying to get her to agree, which really confuses me and messes with my head."

"Christian they are your rules, so you can change them if you need to, to get what you want, what this girl wants."

"No, it's not possible. I know what works for me. The rules help everything stay controlled and in focus."

"Then wouldn't it be easier to just find a woman who is already into the BDSM scene? One who would willingly sign up to an arrangement to follow the rules with you?"

"Christ, yes it would. But I can't help myself. It's Anastasia that I want. No one else. And then today..."

"What happened today?"

"Out of the blue, just when I thought she was going to walk, she agreed she'll sign up to try subbing for me, subject to the soft limits which we still need to go through. After all my attempts to persuade her, today I just smiled at her, asked her and she said yes. "

"When you say you tried to 'persuade her' before, how were you actually going about that?"

"I suppose you could say I was trying to fuck her into submission by seducing her and then making the sex totally irresistible and addictive."

"But actually all you needed to do was to ask her nicely?"

"Not how I usually do things, you know that John. I need her to understand exactly how the Dom/sub relationship works. I don't ask. I command, and she obeys. Especially as she did say something else today, which worries me. She said she wants 'more'. And I can't give her that, all the hearts and flowers kind of thing."

"So even though she's prepared to try and meet your needs by agreeing to an arrangement that she is clearly unsure about, you don't feel you can com-promise here just a little?"

"That's a word she's used too, compromise."

"Well couldn't you at least give this some thought, rather than ruling it out and sticking rigidly to the way things have always been done? What rules have you already broken for her?"

"I've spent the night with her several times. She looks at me. I've seen her during the week. She's met some of my family. The list is endless, and it makes me nervous. It's not how I do things."

"Really? It's not how you've done things up to now, but maybe take a leaf out of your own book. Haven't you made a lot of money by taking over companies that haven't moved with the times or adapted to changing circumstances, but have simply stagnated? Isn't that all this would be?"

"No, I disagree, it's not the same at all. And another thing. I'm finding being with Anastasia is stirring up some really strong emotions for me. Like when I see another guy so much as looking at her in a certain way, or touching her, I literally want to rip him apart, and I have to work real hard to keep it together. I haven't had these kind of feelings since I was a teenager, and it scares me that I'm going to lose control like I used to."

"I see. But from what you've said, you haven't actually overreacted or lost control, so it seems to me that you are drawing on the experience gained in your youth to cope with these feelings."

"I guess. But back in those days I had Elena, she was the one who channeled my anger in a way that made sense for me to be able to cope."

"We've discussed this before, and I'm not convinced that you wouldn't have found another more conventional method of coping with your emotions had you had the right therapist at the time. But that's all water under the bridge now, and we've agreed it's not useful to keep rehashing the past. So tell me, how did you feel about Anastasia meeting your family?"

"Uncomfortable at first, it wasn't really my choice. My hand was forced because Elliot was with me when I went to get Anastasia when she was drunk, and so he found out about her, and of course he enjoys stirring things up. But actually, in the end I didn't mind her meeting Mom, because it made her happy to see me with a really nice girl. To my family she's my girlfriend, but in reality I'm going to be her Dominant and she's going to be my submissive, which of course I can't tell them."

"And today we had our picture taken together by the press, so no doubt that's going to go public, and then I got introduced to her step dad as her boyfriend. Strange thing is, I actually quite liked that, and I had no problem going along with it. I'm just finding this whole situation so confusing - how the fuck do I balance all this shit out?"

I sit back now and see what Flynn has to say, although I know he won't have any magic solutions because life isn't like that.

"I think it's all really quite simple, Christian. You just need to talk all this through with Anastasia. You can work this out together. She sounds like quite some young woman to be prepared to take all this on with you."

"She is, she really is something else. I'm realizing that her appearance is kind of deceptive because she looks small and delicate, but she is one brave girl, I have to say and at times I am in awe of her. But she really wouldn't want more from me if she knew all of my bad shit."

"Doesn't have to be that way, Christian. You can put the bad experiences behind you and concentrate on looking forward instead."

"I know, all your Solution Focused Brief Therapy shit. Well, I'm sorry but I'm just too fucked up to just sail off into the sunset for the happy ever after."

"So what's going to happen if Anastasia tries subbing for you, but in the end decides it's not for her? Are you going to continue to be inflexible and insist that she has to fit into the designated compartment in your life that's labelled 'Female for fulfilling sexual needs' like some prized possession or object? Have you even considered other possibilities?"

"For a man like me there are no other possibilities. There isn't any other way."

"So if you've already made up your mind about this, what do you want from me? What are you expecting me to say to you?"

"Hell, I don't know John. Am I doing the right thing by Anastasia? I mean I can take really good care of her, if she would just stop defying me, but she doesn't even like me buying her gifts. She says it makes her feel like a whore."

"She feels as if you're just paying her for sexual favors?"

"Yeah, I think so, but that's not how I see it. Although it is refreshing that she doesn't seem interested in me for my money. But I want her to have the best, for her to be safe, for her to let me look after her. But she's so independent, she keeps defying me, and arguing and answering me back."

"Trust me Christian, that's pretty standard behavior for a normal young woman."

"Not for me it isn't. My women have always done exactly what I say. They always do what I tell them with no questions asked."

"And yet you find yourself drawn to this Anastasia. Might I suggest that maybe your usual women seem somewhat dull and boring by comparison?"

I sigh, as I know he's hit the nail on the head.

"Exactly. Anastasia can be frustrating and difficult, but she is never, ever boring. She is funny and witty and stimulating. But I worry about her, about her safety and her health. She doesn't eat very well, and she seems to have no idea just how beautiful she is. I'm concerned that she seems to have some low self-esteem issues."

"So in some ways, as well as being sexually attracted to her, she also appeals to you because she needs looking after, maybe? You feel protective of her?"

"Exactly, so under contract as my sub I can ensure she looks after herself with a proper diet, exercise, gets enough sleep, all that kind of thing."

"And how do you think she will handle the more extreme aspects of your contract? The punishments that are an inevitable part of your lifestyle?"

"She's understandably nervous, of course, and I've promised her we'll take things slowly at first. But maybe this is exactly what she needs, some discipline so she'll stop taking risks with her health and safety."

A buzzer sounds now, and I know this is to tell Flynn that his next patient has arrived.

"We've come to the end of our session Christian, so we're going to have to wrap things up for now. You've raised a lot of issues here today that need further discussion, so can I suggest that you make another appointment with me for next week, once I'm back from my conference?"

"You're too busy and popular these days, John. I wish you'd reconsider my offer."

I've asked him several times to become my exclusive personal shrink, but he always turns me down.

"Ah there you go again Christian, with your need to have control. Sorry, but as interesting and complex a challenge as you provide, in my profession I need to have a wide patient list to keep me at the top of my game."

"Well, if you ever change your mind..."

"You'll be the first to know. In the meantime, I urge you to try and be a bit more flexible in your dealings with this remarkable sounding young woman you've met. Keep an open mind, be prepared to compromise to try a slightly different arrangement. After all, you've already broken some of your precious rules and lived to tell the tale."

"I can't promise anything, but I'll think about what you've said."

"Good, that's a step in the right direction anyway, Christian. Until next time."

I walk out from this consultation unsure if my head is any clearer than it was before this consultation.

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Content Warning: The fan fiction you are reading describes adult, liberal, unconventional relationships. The characters, their personalities, occupations, relationships and events in this story are not always consistent with the original stories 'Fifty Shades of Grey' or 'Grey'. Hopefully they reflect the complexities and moral ambiguities of the original. Billed as erotica with unconventional relationships accessible to a mature audience, this story develops through consensual BDSM themed sexual encounters.

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