Why don't you love me?

Grey's words rattled in my head as I tossed and turned in bed, squinting as rays of morning light invaded my bedroom. The sun had been rising around 4 AM, which continued to shortened my already minuscule time asleep.

Why don't you love me?

I groaned and pressed a pillow over my face, as if that would drown out all the static and noise in my head. I kept telling myself that Grey was just drunk, that his words were empty and cold just like he was.

As morning crept further into my room, painting my dusty floors with warm light, I slipped back into sleep, and dreamt of better times. Times when I thought I had the world all figured out, kissing boys was easy, and having feelings for someone didn't make me ache like I had been hit by a truck. 

The morning at Beans was slow. With midnight sun in full swing, most people didn't end their nights out until 2 AM, meaning their mornings didn't start until well after 9 AM.

Despite the fact that I was probably getting less sleep than the average person lately, my morning still started at 7 AM. My mother buzzing around me like a pesky fly only further agitated my fragile state. My head continued to throb as she fluttered around behind the counter, saying something about new espresso and how much of a mess my hair was.

I couldn't really hear her. The throbbing in my head made everything else seem muted and far away. Even the smell of coffee seemed duller than usual.

"Kennedy Marie!" My mother snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes Mom," I groaned. "I'm sorry, I'll brush my hair better tomorrow morning."

She clicked her tongue in that disapproving motherly way. "No. I'm way past that. I said that the mechanic shop called and said the car is ready."

"About time," I said with an eye roll. "Alright, well I can hold it down here-"

"Nope," my mother cut me off, wagging her finger at me. "You're going to go get it. You need some fresh air and some vitamin D on that dull skin of yours."

"Gee, thanks." I fumbled around behind the counter, desperate to stall for some time. Even with my back to her, I still felt the sting of her eyes like daggers in me. After all these years I wasn't sure why I still thought I could fool my mother. I guess I was realizing I couldn't really fool anyone.

When I finally left Beans, I felt like I was having deja vu. Everything from the sun beating down on my head, kicking around rocks at parked cars and telephone poles with my dirty Converse,  my heart pounding so fiercely it threatened to actually burst from my chest, Alien style, it all felt like I had hit rewind to yesterday. Maybe if had, I could have prevented running into Grey, and thus having to return his credit card to him and stumble upon this horrid revelation that I maybe quite possibly still had feelings for Grey Fischer. I was only hoping he had forgotten all about last night in his drunken stupor, making it easier for me to move on and pretend it hadn't happened.

The Fischer's mechanic shop was in the same state it always was - stale, grease-smelling air and guys in dirty jeans walking by me and pretending I wasn't even there. I made a beeline to the back office, where through the dirty window I could see Grey pacing the beige linoleum floors, talking on his cell phone. I gently knocked on the door, hoping he'd be too preoccupied with his phone call to just hand me the keys and shoo me away. Instead, he hung up the phone quickly and yanked the door open.

His normally icy eyes were foggy and bloodshot, and his cheeks looked sallow and sunken in. It wasn't the usual hangover look. Something was off.

"Come to get the car?" He didn't even make eye contact with me as he shuffled through the drawers in his dented metal desk.

"Yeah," I huffed out. "Took you long enough."

I braced myself for a sharp comeback. Instead, he sighed, still unwilling to make eye contact.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "It was my bad. Some of the parts they sent me were faulty, and I didn't rush order the replacement ones."

I pulled at the frayed strings on my sweatshirt sleeve. "It's fine. How much do I owe you?"

"I told you before I'd take care of it." He plucked our keys from the bottom drawer of the desk, finally looking up at me with a scowl and tired eyes.

"Why?" I blurted out.

Grey scoffed. "Why what?"

"Why are you not letting me pay for this?" My tone became incredulous, and I had to hold myself back from actually stomping my foot like a whining child. I was tired of playing games. I wanted answers. I needed answers. "Believe it or not, I did some research. Replacing engine parts isn't cheap, it's like almost a thousand dollars. And I know you're not the kind of person to hand out pity cards. So why?"

Grey took his cap off and raked his hand through his disheveled hair. As he let out an aggravated sigh, I realized he hadn't even changed his shirt from the night before.

"I don't know Kennedy, alright?" He hissed through his teeth. "What's with all the questions? You're on a different level of annoying today."

For once, his attitude unfazed me. I had more to say, and it rattled at the back of my throat and banged against my teeth, begging to be let out. I took a deep breath and finally asked the question. The right question that should have been asked all along.

"Grey..." I sighed out. "Do you love me?"

"What?"

I wasn't sure if he hadn't heard me, my words lost in my sighs and my uncharacteristic uncertainty, or if he was just so gobsmacked that I had actually just asked him that.

"Do you love me?" I said firmly.

There was a sudden vulnerability that flashed over Grey's cold features. It was only for a split second, but I saw it.

"I loved you," he said softly, keeping his head down and brushing his hand over stacks of paper on his desk. "Past tense. The last time I told you I loved you, you ran away. I lost you for good, and I've accepted that."

"Yes, I ran Grey." I tried to choke back the lump in my throat as I spoke, and it made my words crack like glass. "But I didn't run from you. And I'm not lost. I'm right here."

The air became stale and quiet, almost like we had suddenly stopped time altogether. When I blinked it was only for a split second, but in that moment, time started again, and when I opened my eyes, Grey was all over me. Not just his lips on mine, but his hands on my hips, his breath on my neck, his feverish heartbeat pulsating in sync with mine.

But I kissed him back. I kissed him like I was drowning and he was my oxygen. I kissed him like it was the first time we ever had, even though I had kissed him probably hundreds of times, and I kissed him like it was the last time we ever would.

When I finally pulled away from him, just far enough to still feel his heartbeat against my chest, I saw something unusual flicker in his eyes. Something like a deep calmness, but the same kind of calm that came before a storm.