Leah blew a puff of smoke out her bedroom window, but a breeze pushed the haze back inside, dancing around her head and clouding her icy blue eyes. She flicked the blunt out into the dark of the night before shutting her window. As November crept in, it became too cold for us to sit outside, but that didn't stop Leah from smoking. 

"I'm not mad at you, you know," she said as she slid off her windowsill and onto the array of neon cushions splayed on the floor at the foot of her bed.

"I know," I shrugged. "You're incapable of holding a grudge."

"Well that's because you grudge enough for the both of us." She threw a playful grin my way before topping off her plastic cup with cheap Costco white wine. I watched as she did the same to my cup, her lip twitching and brows scrunching up like she kept trying to say something, but couldn't get it out.

After a few moments of silence and a few gulps of wine, Leah finally spoke.

"Can I ask you something?" She picked at the frayed strings of an orange cushion.

"Sure."

She took another sip before continuing. "Do you love Jayden?" 

My heart clenched as a thousand questions ran through my head. Was she asking me because she was genuinely curious, or because she knew and wanted to hear me say it? How many other people looked at us and knew the answer? 

"No," I swallowed hard. "No, I don't."

"But how do you know?" she blurted out. Another silence followed, and I wasn't sure if the redness growing in her cheeks was from the wine, or from some torrid emotion ripping through her, something I couldn't quite pinpoint - not anger, and not jealousy, but something strangely in between.

"I don't know," I mumbled into my cup, chugging down more wine. "I just don't."

I did know. I knew because my stomach didn't do somersaults every time Jayden's name appeared in my phone. I knew because I didn't feel an overwhelming warmth and security every time Jayden wrapped his arms around me.

I knew because I did feel all of those things with Grey. I knew because he was asleep just 10 feet down the hall, but I could feel his heartbeat pulsing as if he was laying right next to me. I just wasn't going to tell Leah. I wasn't even ready to tell myself.

"Why?" I asked her.

Leah rolled onto her back, keeping her foggy eyes fixed on the faded glow-in-the-dark stars that we stuck onto her ceiling when we were younger. 

"I thought I was in love," she mumbled. "But I guess...maybe I'm not as sure as I thought I was."

"Is this about Freya?" I groaned.

"I know you don't like her." Leah suddenly bolted upright and stared at me, her hazy eyes now veiled with emotion. "And I know she can be mean and bossy sometimes, but..."

I suddenly recognized the look in Leah's eyes. It was pure adoration. It must have been how I looked at Grey.

"But there are times that she smiles at me," Leah sighed. "Or just little things, like the way she tucks my hair behind my ear, that I feel like I'm the only person on Earth."

I sighed and shook my head. "We can't help who we love, or don't love, I guess."

The conversation ended there. Leah was snoring and drooling in a matter of minutes, but I stayed anxiously awake, drumming my fingers against my thumping chest. In a moment of sheer, wine-induced impulse, I quietly got up from my usual sleeping spot on Leah's floor and padded outside to the hallway.

I took my time walking to Grey's room, avoiding all the creaking spots on the floor as I had already done several times over the past few months. But this time, I went on my own, instead of waiting up for his text after the house had gone dark. I nudged his door open slowly, instantly greeted with his musky scent. 

Unlike Leah, he was a peaceful sleeper - always on his right side, hair gently brushing his forehead, his face soft and unburdened with his usual coldness. 

"Grey," I whispered as I shook him gingerly. "Grey, wake up. I have to tell you something."

"Kenny?" He groaned as he rolled over onto his back. "What's wrong?"

He looked up at me, bleary-eyed and half asleep. An overwhelming sense of dread filled me, and my wine-induced impulse had evaporated.

"I just..." I couldn't get the words past the knot in my throat. "I just had a nightmare, that's all."

I woke up the next morning in a groggy haze. Leah's voice echoed in every corner of my head, and even though I knew it would do nothing, I still grabbed a pillow and pressed it against my ears. 

"Kennedy," my mother called from the other side of my bedroom door. "Get up, we have to be at Beans in a half hour."

I groaned and rolled over, away from the door and towards the window that overlooked the dense wood of our backyard. The dim light of the morning crept through the branches and brightened my room, which only made me even more aware of how little sleep I got.

I never had nightmares in California. It was like Leah's spirit waited for me to return to Finnick Island so she could annoy the shit out of me like she did when she was alive. Even though I was so exhausted I could barely see straight, I fumbled for the dusty photo of Leah and I that sat crumpled on my bedside table. I knew even in the darkest parts of my mind, I would give anything in the world to have her alive and annoying me again.