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"Mr. Grey, I don't know if I feel comfortable with this," Taylor whispers as we stand together, locked in my walk-in closet. I would've taken him downstairs into my office to show him my items, but Ana's office is right next door; plus she's been wandering about, readying the house and the children for the party and I definitely don't want to risk exposure.

"What do you mean?" I ask, holding the head of my monstrosity up for him to get a good look. "Why don't you feel comfortable? We've done worse than this before."

"Yes, but I'm definitely for certain Mrs. Grey wouldn't approve of this, sir."

"Who's the boss around here?" I ask. He just looks at me. "Don't answer that." We all know it's Ana, but does he have to emasculate me so overtly in my own closet? "Come on, Taylor, I need your help."

"Yes, sir." He's hesitant, but agreeable. That's all I need from him.

"What do you think of it? Honest opinion." I hold my hands out for him to see it.

"I'm not sure what to think of it, sir." He crinkles his nose in assessment, almost as if he's smelling a flower he thinks may have the capacity to eat his face off. "I've only seen smaller versions and that was years ago when I was a teenager in boarding school, but they weren't near the quality of yours, sir."

"You went to boarding school?" I thought he lived in the Ozarks or something with his Annie Oakley mom in a cabin they built out of sticks, stones and tin can donations.

"It wasn't a fancy British school abroad or anything. We just didn't have a high school in my town, so they housed us four towns over in bungalows. And we had a lot of what your holding busying about the grounds. It was actually our mascot."

"This was your mascot?" What kind of weird fuck place did he go to?

"It wasn't an official mascot, but everyone knew."

I don't want to know.

"Forget about your rah rah school days and check this thing out." I hand him the full hairy beast.

"It's quite heavier than I expected, sir." He manipulates it a bit and I can tell he's impressed. "And the head is enormous!"

"Of course it is. It's made for a man."

"Well, it's not made for a woman. She'd break her neck trying to steady it. How do you stand upright with it, Mr. Grey?"

"Taylor, I work out with Claude. He gives me three times the weight of that to play with daily."

He's impressed, I can tell.

"What exactly are you going to do with it, sir?"

"I'm going to strut all over GEH on Monday with it and lead a parade downtown." I roll my eyes. "What do you think I'm going to do with a rabbit costume on Easter? I'm going to be the Easter Bunny."

He stands back and stares at me like I'm Red Riding Hood saying she's gonna shack up with the wolf after a lunch of grandma.

"I thought we were just keeping an eye on that man playing the part, sir. I didn't know you were intent on playing the part yourself."

"How long have you known me, Taylor?"

"Far longer than I ever expected to, sir." He sighs.

"And in that time would you ever think I'd let some idiot play the Easter Bunny over me?"

"Well, in the early years, sir."

"You think I'm going to let some half rate traveling salesman with a bargain basement bunny diploma bounce my kids on his knee while plying them with sugar and taking pictures of it? That'll happen the millennium after hell freezes over on the south side of never."

"So, are we preventing him from coming to work his job today, Mr. Grey?" Taylor asks, his tone more serious. I'm not sure what he means by that, but suddenly I feel like I'm in that episode of The Sopranos where they took out Big Pussy.

"No, I'm not making a stink of it ahead of time so the moms—or Ana—will be all over me about it. The last thing I want is for him to become the martyr for mall rabbits."

"So, how are you planning on preventing him from being the Easter Bunny and playing him yourself, sir?"

"Taylor, I can't see the future, but I'm a man who seizes opportunity. And when opportunity throws a furball today, we're going to knock it out of the park."

And that fucker won't know what hit him.

#######

"Christian, why are there a hundred baby chicks walking around a garden of gigantic candy flowers out by the barn?" Ana asks, approaching me on the patio as I motion for the men carrying the dozen six-foot-tall solid chocolate rabbits to come in from the back gate and arrange them along Jelly Bean Lane and down to the Hop Along Forest. I've had treasure maps made for the children of Easter Land to make the hunt for eggs more adventuresome. I didn't tell Ana, but Phoebe and Teddy have special X's on theirs for where I've hidden their surprises.

"Because it's spring," I say. I'm sure she didn't notice the finer details of that garden, like the Oreo crumb soil or the marzipan carrots sticking out from it or that there are cracked eggs made of finely milled rainbow colored sugar that the chicks are inferred to have hatched from. And I'm certain she doesn't see that the intricately carved fence surrounding it isn't made of wood, but of white chocolate with brushes of caramel. "The baby bunnies and goats should be coming from the petting zoo as well any minute."

"I thought we were going to keep this a simple egg hunt." She motions to my chocolate rabbits. I'm quite impressed with the artist who I commissioned to do the foil wrappings. The detail and colors are spectacular.

"This is simple for me."

"Is that the Easter Bunny gazebo?" she asks, pointing to the elaborate, almost royal setup ahead.
There's a king's chair under a canopy of springtime flowers that looks like Mother Nature decorated herself.

"Yes," I say, turning my head before she asks too many questions that may reveal who will really be sitting on that throne by hunt's end.

"I'm impressed," she says.

"Yes, the Easter lilies lining the pink carpet up the steps to the throne are lovely."

"No, that you made it so nice. I thought you might be upset about the Easter Bunny situation and not go all out like this."

"Well, it's for my kids and you know what I always say—charity begins at home. That goes for asshat Easter bunnies visiting our home, too."

"It's Bill!" she says, feigning outraged, but she can't contain her laugh.

"Who?"

"The Easter Bunny's name is Bill."

"Ana, don't you find it highly suspicious his name is Bill?" I can't contain my ire at the mention of that name.

"What's wrong with being named Bill?"

"Not a thing. That's exactly my point. There's nothing suspicious about it at all, which makes me highly suspicious about all of it."

"I would think you've gone mad, but I know better." She shakes her head.

"Funny ha ha, but it's true. Everyone trusts a Bill. Bills are teachers or a bankers or your elderly neighbor who you borrow sugar from and you trust that it's not cyanide laced, but Bills are not traveling salesman who side in costumed holiday work.

"Billy Bob Thornton played Bad Santa." She giggles.

"Exactly. A criminal. Speaking of which, Bobs are sketchy as fuck, too."

Ana rolls those baby blues and lord do I want to spank her in that little lemon polka dot sundress she's wearing, especially as she's crossing her arms and her breasts are heaving forth at me like alpine slopes just begging me to take a ride. But, I'm expecting the barn sized Easter basket with the Peeps bounce house inside to arrive any minute and I won't let these delivery men see any part of my ski vacation.

"You know, my stepfather's name is Bob," she says.

"And?" I raise a brow and she raises one back. That guy is suspicious as fuck. He's always injuring himself so he doesn't have to work or travel. I think he lives off of Carla. Sort of a"will work for blowjobs" mentality. Only she works and gives the blow jobs and he watches golf. I did a background check on him years back. Nothing really criminal, except unpaid parking tickets, three failed written driving tests, and he sees the dermatologist a lot.

"Well, he's coming today with my mother, so be nice."

"I'm always nice."

"Oh right."

"Bob and I get along fine." I barely ever see him, so that helps. God, I hope Carla doesn't get drunk on our jet again. I told the crew to limit the little bottle service, but who knows with her. My mother and she will be unbearable once the champagne punch is served! The sister sister act was bad enough the first time, I don't need the sequel.

"Where do you want the giant Russian eggs?" the delivery guy asks. I've had candy Faberge eggs specially crafted by a confectioner in France who swears he's a shirt tail descendant of the Romanovs.

"By the carousel in the north meadow," I say to them.

"You know when I met you, I think the only holiday you celebrated was banker's day," Ana says.

"Hey, that's an undervalued holiday," I say, wrapping her in my arms. "Get it—undervalued?"  She laughs. "No, I didn't celebrate any. Now, holidays are my life, because of you." I lean down and give her a kiss, holding to her growing belly and stroking it through the silken fabric of her dress.

"How are my babies today?" I ask, against her parted mouth where my tongue has just left.

"They're little jumping beans." She's getting so big, more like jumping footballs.

"I feel." My babies are doing somersaults in Ana's belly against my hand. "Play nicely, kids," I say, leaning over to put my mouth to her bump. I make sure to kiss them and talk to them all the time. We had a whole conversation about nursery mobiles and how they felt about coordinating outfits this morning while Ana was out cold sleeping. Granted, it was mostly one-sided, but I took flutters and kicks as serious input. I can't wait to meet them. I love them so much already.

"You know, Mommy," I say, holding onto her hips as I slink myself up against her until I'm upright again. "You should sneak away with Daddy at some point and have some parental springtime fun."

"Oh, you'll have to wait for that," she whispers in my ear. "But, I can guarantee you the Easter Bunny is coming later." She nips my lobe and then pulls back to do the same to her bottom lip, sending a shiver of electricity down my spine that lights up my dick and would make Edison sit up in his grave.

"Besides, it's almost time for the festivities."

"Speaking of which, where is this Hoppy character Bill anyway?" I ask.

"He should be here any minute," Ana says.

"Good."

"What does that mean? I don't like the way you said good."

"Ana, I just want to meet the guy." I feign innocence.

Yeah, I want to meet this fucker face-to-face.

#######

"I'm Hoppy Tailingsworth," Bill Malloy, dressed in a man-sized bunny suit, says as he stands before Taylor and me in the meadow. His getup is pink, but not like it was originally intended to be pink, more like the kind of pink that used to be white until you washed a red towel with your underwear. And he looks like he found it under a dumpster, dragged it home tied to his car tire and said fuck it when he saw a bouncing eyeball starting to defect from the face.

Taylor and I stare at him as he turns and shakes his cotton tail end and then spins back around again.

"And today is going to be an eggggg-scelent day!" He throws his paws in the air in celebration and chomps his rabbit fangs up and down. I'm not sure if that's a fake mouth piece or if his teeth really look like that, but in either case he needs battle tested braces and an industrial strength whitening. Mind you, as all of this theatrical production is going on, there are no children in front of us; it's just Taylor and myself meeting this wacko wabbit on Jelly Bean Lane.

"That's cute," I say. Cute meaning insane and I'm about to have Taylor drive you away and lose you in the woods.

"That's what the blue bird on my shoulder told me," he says and laughs. Why is he so fucking delighted with himself? Because he successfully lisps every third word he says?

"I really am just so pleased to meet you, Mr. Grey," Bill  says, finally using a somewhat normal voice and breaking character. "I just knew you'd have the perfect home for the party. Thank you for offering it for today."

"I hear you do these kinds of things a lot," I glare. 

"Oh yes, but nothing as fancy as all this. It's a hoot and a chuckle for me. I'd really do anything to make the kids happy."

"The Easter Bunny is an unusual choice in specialty," I say.

"Well, I know everyone loves Santa, but the Easter Bunny is always near and dear to my heart. I felt it was sort of a calling to make Easter eggggg-stra special."  He chuckles and puts a paw to his chest like he's having an emotional moment. "Now, where should I hop along to?"

"I can think of a few places..." I roll my eyes.

"I better go and make sure my eggs are well hidden before the kids get here!" He does that rabbit chomp again with his teeth and takes off down the bunny path, actually hopping from jellybean brick to jellybean brick all the way down the road.

"Taylor, we have to get rid of him asap. He's insane."

"He seems rather nice; not threatening, sir."

"Taylor, you of all people know it's the nice ones you can't trust."

"Well, I do trust you, sir."

"Exactly." Wait, is he making fun of me? Fucker. "Just keep an eye on him."

"Yes, sir." 

I make my way inside the house to the kitchen where Ana and Gail are preparing for the festivities.

"Ana, that rabbit is on the loose in our yard!"

"One of the bunnies from the petting zoo?"

"No. He's big and pink and answers to the name Hoppy and I think he's a psychopath."

"Christian!" she says, shaking her head as she finishes trays of deviled eggs. Oh look, Tilly's kin.

"He's weird, Ana. Not even weird like me, weird like count the silverware and the children weird."

I thought maybe Ana might possibly listen to her husband's opinion and allow me to get rid of that rabbit, but instead Ana laughs.

"This isn't funny," I say. "He won't take off his mask and have a regular conversation with me. He told me it was his calling. It's like one of those cults that brainwashes people, but he's the only member so he just brainwashed himself."

She and Gail just look at me for a moment.

"Christian," Ana says like I'm her fifth child. "He's acting like a bunny because he's in character. He told me he has to have a few hours at it to do a good job." I'm sure that's not the only thing he needs a couple hours at before he can perform.

"Ana, he's an Easter Bunny. It isn't Shakespeare. No one's expecting Lady MacBeth to rub the damn spot out!" 

"He also doesn't want to risk the kids seeing him out of character," she says. Why is she defending him?

"There weren't any kids! It was me and Taylor!"

She doesn't say anything. What is she saying by that?

"Gail, don't you think it's odd for a full grown man to actively wear a pink rabbit suit and jump around another man's lawn?" I ask.

"Oh, I don't know. Some men may think that's fun at holidays." I suddenly wonder if that infers something I don't want to know about Taylor. "I met him, Mr. Grey, and he seemed pleasant."

Why does everyone think he's so nice?!

"Don't worry, Christian," Ana says.  "He's perfectly harmless." She gives me a kiss to try and placate me, but I'm still boiling, so I point to my lips for her to do it again.

"Daddy!" Phoebe says running into the kitchen wearing a picture perfect pink Easter dress with yellow flowers and white lace trim and a cream hat with ribbons and bows to match. Chester is on her shoulder dressed in a yellow tuxedo with a cracked egg as a top hat. He looks like he's about to perform in a Broadway production of Caber-egg.

"You look beautiful!" I say and she runs over to me and I pull her up into my arms. Of course Chester comes along for the ride and stares at me from her shoulder with his teeth exposed.

Chester," I say. "Spill a little egg on your suit?" I laugh to myself at the yellow of his tux that looks to be stained from the contents of the cracked egg on his head. I may be imagining it, but I think he squeaks a "fuck you".

"Me and Ava are gonna dance and wave our hats and twirl in our dresses today with the fancy boys," Phoebe says.

"You'll do nothing of the sort!" I say. I think my life just flashed before my eyes.

"Christian," Ana snorts a laugh. "They're doing a song from Easter Parade for the program."

"Why are boys involved?" I ask.

"Because they go to the school," she says.

"That's not a good reason!"

"They dance with their top hats for us and we walk by all of the flowers and wave," she says, acting out the wave. I don't like this. It sounds less Easter Parade and more can-can girls.

The doorbell rings.

"Ava's here! Ava's here!" Phoebe jumps down and runs out of the kitchen and I follow her to the front door.

"Why do you think it's Ava?" I ask.

"Because Auntie Kate called Mommy and said they was almost out of where the cars are so slow on the roads and Uncle Elliot says naughty words and almost bump bumps them and that's bad 'cause you gotta pay big monies for bangs in the car sides that would be broke ribs if cars was peoples but they are not, they are cars, but they didn't gotta do that, 'cause she called again and they were getting up to our house okay." I think she means they were in traffic, there were no accidents and they made it without Elliot cussing out a truck driver. I'll go with that.

I nearly trip on the way to the door on a big round object in my path.

"What the—" I say.

Suddenly something pops out and makes a loud growling sound. I jump, but then look down to see it's Teddy. He's dressed as a yellow bird-like creature that's half cracked out of an egg and he's laughing at the fact that he nearly scared his father to death.

"Why are you in that getup?" I ask.

"I'm a dinosaur baby that is gonna attack all of the world!" He growls again, pretending to claw at what I assume is supposed to be all of the world, but is just the air.

"No, he's not!" Phoebe says. "He's a ducky for the old man who sings all of the cheer-e-i-e-i-o's."

"General Mills?" I ask.

"No, he's a farmer man," she says.

"Old Macdonald?" I ask.

"Yeah!" she says and she starts to break out into the song. Chester sways to the beat.

"That's what they think I am, but I'm really gonna attack all of the world!" Teddy says and chases a squealing Phoebe in a circle around me. Chester's on his hind legs, hissing. How does he not fall off in those white patent leather shoes he's wearing?

"Quiet, kids!" I say as I open the door and low and behold it's my brother and his family with Jose and his dear old dad. Why does Kate always bring the Rodriguez contingency? I think she does it on purpose to piss me off. And why do they need a ride, anyway? Their family has twenty-five fourth hand cars that anyone can have at a moment's notice. Of course, none of them probably run well enough to make it up to the top of the hill.

"Ava!" Phoebe squeals when she sees her.

"Pee-bee!" Ava still says "pee-bee" every time. They hug and jump up and down. They just saw each other Friday.

"Your dress is so pretty," Phoebe says, admiring Ava's blue gingham number with the matching parasol. Kate's probably teaching her to smack guys with it. Hey, that's not a bad idea for Phoebe... "Did you getted it from Paris?"

"Oh yes, the princess of Paris has one just like it," Ava says.

"Daddy, do you know the princess of Paris?" Phoebe asks.

"Yes, we'll have her to tea next week."

"Hey, bro. We brought a ham, because it's tradition," Elliot says, handing a big thing wrapped in gold foil and dripping sticky stuff to me.

"Thank you, Elliot. We would've never thought to serve ham on Easter." I roll my eyes.

"I got the dips, too," Elliot says.

Speaking of dips...

"Oh yes, Kate, lovely to see you, again," I say and she snarks a laugh.

"Where's Ana?" Kate asks. She's carrying a tray of assorted blue cheeses. Of course Kate would bring mold.

"She's in the kitchen helping Gail."

"Keeping her barefoot, pregnant and chained to your kitchen, huh?" Kate smirks.

"Only on the weekends," I mock a laugh. "And don't give her any of that cheese! It's on the "no list" from Dr. Greene." I have four of those lists—one for the fridge, one for my desk at home and at work and one for Taylor in the car so Ana can't convince him to stop for shellfish or something. Not that she would, but you never know what odd cravings hit and what a pregnant woman might do to get her hands on some raw oysters.

"Roar!" Teddy growls as he jumps up from his egg and startles the crowd.

"Ahhh!" Ava screams and runs from him.

"Teddy, please," I say. "Save the theatrics for the stage."

"What are tree-attics?" he asks.

"Where you put your old coloring books and extra candies at the top of your tree houses," Phoebe says.

What?—oh, tree attics. Is she smuggling candy up in that thing? Of course it's no regular tree house, it's an orchard estate. And I wouldn't let them climb up to it and break their necks, so I've installed an elevator.

"Hey, little dude, that's a cool get-up!" Jose says to Teddy and the kids all crowd around him like he's the second coming of Big Bird or something. Maybe that's why I want to give him the big bird every time I see him.

Old Man Rodriguez stares at me, per usual. Why is he here at an egg hunt for kids that aren't even related to him? Thanksgiving and Christmas are one thing, but next he's going to be joining us for Father's Day and they'll eventually call him Abuelo.

"Mr. Rodriguez," I nod to the old guy. "Nice that spring is here, huh?"

"Next it will be summer..." he says, with a grumble and a grimace.

"Sorry for the bad news."

He nods.

"Hey guys!" Mia says, surprising everyone at the door with my grandmother and grandfather in tow.

"Grampy! Grammy!" the kids say and my grandparents dole out hugs.

"I gotta crap, where's the can?" my grandfather asks.

"Keep it in your pants for a minute, you old coot!" my grandmother says.

"If I do that, it certainly won't stay there!"

"Teddy, go show Gramps to the bathroom," I say.

"Which one?" Teddy asks.

"The closest one."

"Okay."

"Are you a platypus?" my grandfather asks Teddy as he leads them down the hallway and I can faintly hear Teddy do his dinosaur growl.

"Auntie Mia!" the girls hug her.

"You two are tres manifique!" she says.

"Merci," Phoebe says and winks up at me. I've taught her French well. I can't wait to take her to Paris one day. We'll have a crazy shopping spree at Dior and go to town on Nutella.

"Where are Mom and Dad?" I ask, still holding this twenty-seven pound ham and the honey mustard dip trio Elliot handed me. Why won't any of these knuckleheads progress into the house past the entryway?

"They went for a drink with Carla and Bob," Mia says.

"What are you talking about? Carla and Bob are flying in now."

"They got here early and texted, I guess."

Why didn't Sawyer tell me about this?

"Be responsible for your own ham," I say to Elliot as I hand it back to him.

"I'l take it to Ana," Kate says, grabbing the ham and dips from him and then takes off for the kitchen. If I knew that was all it took to get her away from me, I'd have handed her a ham a long time ago.

I pull out my phone to text Sawyer, but I see he's already sent me one: Your Mom insisted we stop off for a minute. Will be there shortly. It's not my fault.

Oh fuck.

"Dad," Teddy says, running in like a fire's chasing him. "Grandpa clogged the toilet! And it smells like skunks lived in there for years." He's pulling his duck bill over his nose.

"Eww, I smell it," Phoebe says after she and Ava poke their heads into the hallway to check out the action.

"Me, too!" Ava says and both girls run back to us.

"I think I might die," Teddy says. Damn, it must be bad. This kid lives for dirt and disgusting things.

"Where is he now?" I ask Teddy.

"Watching baseball." Damn, he did have to go fast.

"Go help him, Elliot!" I say.

"Why me?"

"Because he's your grandfather."

"He's watching ball. I'm not gonna clean your toilet."

"Elliot, please, check on him!"

He grumbles and heads down the hall with Teddy and I can hear him groan the moment I'm sure the fumes hit him.

"Hey Mia," Jose says and I look over to see him giving her a hug too long for my liking.

"Long time no see, Jose," she says, then pulls back and dips her head shyly. Why is she being so shy with Jose?

"You look nice today," he says, running his beady eyes all over her. "That dress is cool." What the fuck is all this Don Juan pornography going on in front of me about?

"Thank you," she says and smiles at him.

Are they fucking flirting?!

"Jose," I say. "Don't you have pictures to take out in our yard?" Did that really just come out of my mouth? I've never actually asked him to take photos before. I think he's surprised, too.

"Yeah, I'll go scope it out." He gives her a final smile before pulling his father along and heading off for the yard. Though, I'm not stupid enough to think he won't stop off in the kitchen to see Ana. Now Jose doesn't only sexualize my wife, but my sister, too.

"Auntie Mia, come see my doll house!" Phoebe says and the girls pull her off to her room, leaving me alone.

I text Taylor: ???

Taylor texts me back: All is fine, sir, except I think he's eaten a few loose jelly beans from the road.

I text back: Don't let him leave empty patches on my lane!"

I hear giggling and chatting out the front door.

"Oh Carla, I've never known someone as fun as you!" It's my mother! It's coming from outside the open door.

"That's what I told her on our first date!" It's Bob.

I peek out.

Oh fuck. My parents and Carla and Bob are walking up the path and from the looks of it the pre-party was a success.

"Christian!" Grace says upon seeing me hovering in the doorway and gives me a big hug. "Look who we found." She points to Carla and Bob.

"Imagine the odds," I say.

"Oh Christian, we've missed you so much," Carla says and gives me a hug, shoving me back through the doorway. "You shouldn't be such a stranger!" She play slaps my arm.

"Well, you could've come Christmas or any selection of birthdays."

"My birthday is next month, Grace says. "We should all take a cruise." There's a resounding yes from the crowd.

"I always tell everyone that my Ana is the luckiest girl on the planet." Carla gives my bicep a firm squeeze. "So strong."

Oh my God.

"Hey, I'm not chopped—" Bob says, then looks to Carrick. "What is that thing they refer to that's chopped?

"Who?" Carrick says.

"The people," Bob says.

"Wood!" Carrick says.

"No, the meat that's not funny," Bob says.

"Turkey!" Grace says and chuckles.

"It's liver, lover!" Carla says to Bob and he wraps his arm around her waist, pulls her close and they publicly display their affection.

"Liver, lover!" Grace repeats and laughs. Why does Carla turn my mother into a sorority girl at the keg stand when she comes to town?"

"Ana!" I call out in a plea for her to save me.

#######

"Wow, look at this spread," Ray says as he and the family and the rest of God's green earth busily grab from the buffet that Ana and Gail set up. Every family from the school showed up today. I don't even recognize half of these freeloaders. Geez, you offer people all you can eat and they make their pockets and purses all they can take doggy bags.

"We brought the ham," Elliot says to Ray.

"There are seven hams, Elliot," I say.

"Yeah, but ours has the honey crust."

"Oh, I love the honey crust!" Carla and Grace say simultaneously, then turn to each other excitedly. "Jinx!" They laugh. I was worried about the sequel to their sister act, but this here is the trilogy, plus the painfully disappointing fourth installment that went straight to DVD.

"I don't eat casseroles!" my grandfather says as my grandmother tries to force a scoop of some green tuna noodle thing some mom brought onto his plate.

"Why's that?" I ask.

"I don't eat anything that looks the same going out the hatch as it does going down it."

"Good philosophy," I say.

"Nonsense, the man eats pea soup like it's going out of production," my grandmother says and heaps it onto his plate.

"Hey Christian," Ray says taking four spoonfuls of the spicy honey mustard. Geez, he really loves the stuff.

"Yeah, Ray?" I ask as I'm trying to make a plate for Ana. I know she'll try to skip out on the food and make some excuse like it was all gone by the time she dished up, so I'm making sure she gets the proper meal.

"I saw that Easter Bunny out front when I came up. He's a great guy. Real chatty."

"What do you mean out front?"

"He was going to his car for something."

"Really?"

"Oh, we saw him, too!" Grace says. "He's lovely and he's from the south."

"Chicago," Carrick says. "I saw him in the kitchen."

"The kitchen?" I ask.

"He needed water or something."

"He told me he's from Phoenix," Ray says.

"He's a traveling salesman, so maybe that's it," I say, so as not to arouse suspicion on my suspicions, but this is highly suspicious. His car? Our kitchen? Phoenix by way of the Windy City by way of the Bible Belt? What the hell?

"Mrs. Grey, eat," I say as I set her plate at a table and help her to sit.

"How can I possibly eat all this food?" she asks as she looks down at her plate. I guess I did go a bit overboard with seven pieces of ham, four biscuits with gobs of honey butter and a portion of potatoes bigger than my head.

"Slowly," I say.

"But, there's such a mess by the buffet and I have to ready the desserts—"

I put a finger to her lips to hush her.

"Ana, we have Gail and three other people I hired today. Sit and rest and eat." I kiss her on the head. "And put your feet up." I take hold of her ankles and put them up on another chair.

"You spoil me," she says and smiles.

"My life's job." I smile in return.

I see Taylor approaching me from the north lawn. He looks like he has news.

"Excuse me a minute," I say to Ana just as Kate sits down next to her and starts talking her ear off about some yoga pants she bought that lift her ass. I'm glad to leave. The last thing I want to hear talk about is Kate's high ass.

"Taylor, did you know Hoppy was out to his car and getting water from the kitchen?" I ask him as we meet on the lawn.

"Yes, sir, I did."

"And you didn't do anything?"

"Was I supposed to stop him from getting a drink of water and obtaining his arthritis pills?"

"Well no, but you should report it to me."

"I'm sorry, sir. I thought it was trivial."

"So? That's what you and I do; we report information to one another no matter if it means anything or not." Geez, I suddenly feel like he doesn't know me or what we're about at all.

"Yes, sir."

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes!"

Oh fuck. That voice.

I turn to see Tilly coming at me in a curtain looking dress that's either covered in brown flowers or fried chicken stains. She's wearing dried daisies in that mess of hair she's got pinned up within an inch of its rat trap life and a huge man eating corsage nearly covers her entire right breast. And trust me, that's a lot of real estate no one's in the market for.

"Tilly," I say and she hugs me and I suddenly fear her dress may swallow me up into the black hole of her arm pit.

"You didn't say hello last week when I waved to you across the playground."

"I know."

"Mother, say hello!" she calls out.

Oh god, that mother! She's walking over here. If you can call that walking.

"Oh here's your guy," her mother says, her voice strangled by decades of cigarette smoke and a man's helping of testosterone that's responsible for the hairs on her lip. Not above it, on it. "I'm missing you and my girl as movie star partners today."

"Movie star partners?" I ask.

"You two up on that stage as couples are like one of those famous pairs like Bogie and Bacall or Scarlet and Rhett..."

"Or Harpo and Groucho," I say.

Tilly laughs. "Isn't he funny?" She bats her black widow if someone would actually marry her lashes at me.

"I'm not trying to be. But, what can I say, comedy oozes out of situations with you, Tilly.

She blushes like it was a compliment or something.

I see Carla and my mother walking by with baskets.

"Where are you two going?" I ask the sisterhood of the traveling margaritas.

"The hunt is about to begin," Grace says.

"We're collecting eggs," Carla whispers and they both giggle.

"So sorry, Tilly and to your mother." I realize I still don't know that woman's name nor do I feel the urge to find out. "Would love to chat, but I need to watch forty-seven school children and my mother and mother-in-law collect eggs."

"Hey boys and girls gather round!" Hoppy says. "It's time for egg huntin' over the sound." He points to the sound, none of the kids get that it means the water. 

"What sound is it?" a boy asks from somewhere in the crowd.

"Farts," another boy says and laughs. I see it's Teddy's friend Fritzy. What a disgrace. I also see his father putting a plate full of ham he's covered in shrink wrap in his kid's backpack.

"Now once I blow, you shall go!" He pulls out a carrot that's a whistle and blows.

And they're off!

Like a start for the running of the bulls—if the bulls were highly sugared and on psychedelics—dozens of children let loose onto the lawn and into the meadow. There's pushing and shoving and grabbing...

Taylor and I are nearly toppled by a herd of them as they pass. These children are wild beasts out there, climbing up trees, digging holes in my grass, eating handfuls of jelly beans from the lane.  It's like the devil let his kids out for a free day in my backyard because he couldn't handle them at home.

"I think there's big time chocolates under the marshmallow waterfall!" some boy yells and kids race to dig through my candy coated river like they're panning for gold.

I feel like I'm Willy Wonka watching his factory be looted by warring oompa-loompas.

Hoppy is encouraging this chaos by hopping around and blowing his whistle. 

"We gotta get this fucker fast, Taylor." I whisper to him. "Once the hunt is done, it's desserts, and then the gazebo and the pictures."

"How do we get rid of him, sir?"

"I have an idea. You corner him deep in the Hop Along Forest and escort him out the back way to the west."

"It's ten acres out to that back way and straight down a jagged hillside that leads directly to the water."

"Well, you walked a lot on rocky terrain in war."

"Daddy!" Phoebe says. "Come hunt for eggs!" She grabs my hand.

"Yeah, Dad!" Teddy says, grabbing the other.

"Work on it, Taylor," I say and he nods as they pull me away.

"Mine has a big blue sparkle X on it," Teddy says, looking at his map."But, where does it go to?"

"Yeah, Daddy, what does my part by the pink one say?" Phoebe asks, looking at her own map that is adorably upside down.

"Well, let me check this out," I say, taking both of the maps and acting like I'm trying to decipher them, knowing full well I know exactly where it is.

"You see those X's?" I ask them and they nod. "Well, that's right about ten steps left, twelve steps right and just up and over that hill." I point.

The kids take special care to count each of the steps like I directed.

"Stop stepping on my steps!" Teddy says.

"I'm not, you're stepping on the shadows of mine!" Phoebe says.

"Everybody step on their own steps," I say.

"Daddy, you walk the steps first, since your feet are bigger we could find it faster," Phoebe says.

"That's smart thinking," I walk them down Jelly Bean Lane, past the Peeps Easter Basket Bounce House, and to the barn where I open the double doors and Boone is sitting in a purple bow tie on his Persian rug next to pink and blue sparking Easter baskets, each the size of a car and filled with more than your average hot rod can carry.

"Daddy! That's the biggest basket I've ever seen!" Phoebe says, her eyes large with wonder.

"It's like Easter baskets for dinosaurs!" Teddy says. He loves those dinosaurs.

"And Chester and Boone got littler ones, too!" Phoebe says, pointing to the purple and yellow smaller baskets filled with species appropriate goodies that sit beside. Chester sniffs around and then gives me a look and nod like "thanks, shithead".

"I love you, Daddy!" Phoebe hugs me and I pick her up.

"Me too, Dad," Teddy says and I pull him into a hug at my legs, realizing for the first time that my first baby is probably too big for me to pick up anymore.

"It wasn't me, it was the Easter Bunny." I shrug, a little sentimental over my sudden realization. "But, not that silly bunny out there in the yard. The one that's coming later."

Phoebe scrunches her nose and squints her eyes like Ana does when she's trying to figure out if I'm telling fib or fact. But, I think the magic of childhood wins out.

"I love the Easter Bunny, too. But, I love you Daddy so much more!" She kisses my cheek.

More...

"Now, keep this barn locked up for later and go fill your little baskets with some regular eggs so the other kids won't catch on." I wink at them as I lock the doors to the barn and they take off; their laughter and squeals dancing as they run across the meadow. The same meadow I showed their mother that first time all those years before. I never knew it could be so beautiful.

I know no matter what comes in the future or how many children we have, Teddy and Phoebe will always be my one and only first little boy and first little girl. Before Phoebe I never thought I could be a father to a daughter and before Teddy I never thought I could be a father at all. Teddy gave me a crash course in what it means to rock a teething baby to sleep at three in morning and to want to, or how to change diapers on the quick (I'm a pro now), and how to see perfection in eyes that look like your own, even if you see less than perfect in yourself.

From Phoebe I've learned the magic of ponies and rainbows reflected in puddles and unicorn poop and what it means wear a feather hat and have high tea with a stuffed mother goose. She's taught me not to step on bugs because they could have families at home who are waiting for their return at night. I've learned to play dolls well and sit in too-small chairs while she styles my hair. And I've learned with both of them, like I've learned with Ana, that firsts hold an extra special place in your heart.

"Chicks!" Ava yells out in the distance, and I see her pulling Elliot into the candy garden. He nearly trips and falls into some muddy area and I laugh. Phoebe sees all this with Ava and not having it that anyone could possibly have fun with animals without her, darts over, jumps inside the fence and she and Ava sit with the chicks and play.

"Little girls, huh?" I say to Elliot as I walk up behind him.

"Little girls," he says and gives me a smile. "Who would've thought the two of us." He shakes his head and there's a happiness on his face that I know well. And the bitch of it all is that two sappy, happy dads are here today all because Katherine Kavanagh came down with the flu.

"Hey, forget the eggs! I found something better," some little first grader in floral pants and matching suspenders yells out to a group of his friends as he takes off across the yard. How that kid has friends in that get-up is beyond me. "There's chocolate in those big daddy sized rabbits!" He points to one of my six-foot-tall bunnies and a hoard of kids run for it.

"Hey!" I yell as they topple it over and more kids join in, crawling on top and trying to take out the ears from beneath the artistic foil. I dart over to them. "Lay off the big rabbits!"

The kids all scatter, but they have chocolate on their faces and hunks of it in their hands. I also see Fritzy handing half an ear to his father for their backpack doggy bag.

"Sir," Taylor says as he rushes over to me.

"What is it? Did you get him?" Damn he walked those ten acres and scaled that mountain fast.

"No, I tried to find him in the meadow and the woods, but couldn't, sir."

"Where is he?"

He looks grim.

"I checked the surveillance cameras. He's in Mrs. Grey's bathroom in the master suite, sir."

"What?"

"He's holed up in there. But, it's worse... Mrs. Grey is in your bedroom right now."

"What?!" My fists clench and my face fires.

"She looks to be picking out a sweater from her dressing room. I don't think she knows he's in there."

Oh my God.

Without a word, I take off fast for the house, ignoring everything in my path and Taylor follows. 

"Ana!" I yell as we head up the stairs and into the bedroom, looking through her closet and dressing room. She's not there. "Ana!"

I race for her bathroom and try to open the door, but it's locked. I know Bill is inside.

"Open up, fucker!"

Still no answer.

"I know you're in there! Open up before I break this door down!"

I give a nod to Taylor and with three kicks of impressive force, the door is down.

Bill Malloy is standing in the corner with his paws up, shaking.

"Where the hell is my wife?" I grab him by his rabbit chest.

"I don't know!" he stutters, shaking worse.

"I swear, if you did anything—"

"Christian!" Ana says and I turn to see her at what was the door. "What's going on here?"

"Oh Ana!" I drop him and run to her, pulling her into an embrace. "You're okay, baby."

"Of course I'm okay. I was just looking for a sweater. I left it in Phoebe's room. What is everyone doing in here?" She looks at the fallen door and then to the shaking rabbit man. I notice she's wearing a cream cashmere sweater. Good; her breasts are covered.

"This fucker is psychopath!" I point to Bill. "I thought he hurt you."

"I just had to pee," he says.

"Likely story! Why didn't you use the bathroom you were told to use?" I ask.

"It was clogged."

"What?"

"There's foul poop in the bowl."

Oh crap, my grandfather's crap. I forgot about that.

"Well, how did you get up here?" I ask.

"I just went looking around. When you gotta go..."

"Christian, I think you owe this man an apology."

Damn.

"I'm sorry," I begrudgingly say and I hold out my hand. He smiles and holds out his paw and we shake.

Fuck. Now, I'll never be able to get rid of him and be the Easter Bunny.

Clank. Clank. Clank. Clunk. Clunk. Clack.

I hear the most beautiful of sounds—incrimination.

We all look to the floor and see Ana's Christmas present, her New Year's presents and her Valentine's Day jeweled lingerie crashed out onto the bathroom tile, out of a hole in the sleeve of Billy Boy's cheap old rabbit suit.

I knew you couldn't trust a Bunny named Bill.

#######

"I can't believe he was wanted in seven states," Ana says as she helps me out of my Bunny head back in our bedroom, following the festivities where I was crowned Easter Bunny King. Everyone is taking a nap. Let me take that back, the kids are taking a nap, the folks are passed out drunk. "And to think he used being an Easter Bunny as a cover to rob people blind."

"I knew he was too nice to be any good," I say.

She leans up and gives me a sweet kiss.

"What was that for?" I ask and she nuzzles against my rabbit costumed chest.

"For always watching out for us." She looks up at me. "Even if you are over-the-top crazy sometimes, your heart is in the right place."

"I don't care if the whole world thinks I'm a nut, I'll always do what's best for you and for my family."

She smiles and kisses me again.

"You made a very good Easter Bunny," she says stroking my face. "In fact, they want to get you in advance to be Uncle Sam for the Fourth of July."

"Have them call my agent." I laugh and so does she. "I don't care what they think; what did you think?"

"Best I've ever seen."

"How many others have you seen?"

"A lot."

I frown.

"But," she puts a finger to my chin. "You're the only one I want to see naked."

"Why Mrs. Grey, are you trying to seduce the Easter Bunny?"

"Yes," she says and walks around back of me and unzips my furry suit.

"Well good, I was just making sure," I say and smile.

"Why don't you get out of this suit so I can put on a little bunny show of my own..."

She slides it off my body and it falls to the floor. She then hooks her thumbs in the waistband of my boxer briefs and slides them down my legs as she drops to her knees. I'm the way nature intended me to be and fully saluting spring with my Maypole.

"I wanted a taste of my favorite Easter candy first," she says and licks my tip. Oh fuck that's impressive. I hold to her head gently, stroking her hair as she takes the whole length of me in her mouth over and over again.

"Ana, oh god. Stop. Please. I'm going to come."

She keeps going for a minute until I'm almost to the brink and then pulls away and stands. All the while never taking her eyes off mine. 

I can't resist; I hold her head with both of my hands and bring her mouth to mine, losing myself in her kiss.

"I want to fuck you now, Mrs. Grey," I whisper against her mouth and I can feel her smile. Without my lips leaving hers, I start to undo the buttons of her dress.

"Wait," she pushes back and away and I'm left a naked mess as she moves over to the dresser and picks up a velvet pouch, swinging it on a thin strap that's hooked on her finger as she returns to me.

"Will you help me with my costume for tonight, Sir?" she asks and hands me the pouch. I open it, my dick still twitching from that Sir, to find a glorious sight—a big fuzzy white cotton tail that's attached to a butt plug.

"Happy Easter, Mr. Grey."

She unbuttons the rest of her dress and it falls to the floor, revealing white and pink baby doll lingerie, thigh highs and all.

Damn.

"I need help with my tail," she says and then turns around and leans over the bed, pointing that delectable ass that's wearing crotchless panties my way.

I take a breath and gulp as I move to her, holding to the cotton puff.

Oh yes, the Easter Bunny is definitely coming tonight.