Mmpphh! Ah! ah. Idiots... Thing scouts... They always want you to buy their crap and no one gives a crap. Wait, if no one gives them the crap, where do they get it? Who knows. They've locked me up in some type of inter-dimensional cage stuck between to different realities that are about to collide any second. I'm screwed. Oh. They just handed me a newspaper. They're talking to me. They're telling me to report everything happening. Okay. I can do that. That's good. They won't make me turn into a squished inexistent human. Okay. Talk into there? Can I ask you a few questions first? No? Damn.

Hello everyone and greetings to the first radio broadcasting ever to be in Fall Hallow but here we are. So, I'm here to tell you all the news. Or I'll be. What? Oh. I can't tell you why but... Anyway...

So today, the RFG (Random Force Group) wants you to break the nearest mirror. "They're dangerous." They say , "They'll drag you into the mirror. You thought we were still talking about the mirror?" They say and start coughing up blood and some other stuff that looks like a bunch of mini spleens.

The horoscopes for this week are... oh. All of them say "Doom and destruction" Interesting... I wonder when that will happen.

A giant man has been seen orbiting Earth. He's not really giant but more slightly bigger than average. He's been captured by the satellites that rebelled against us back in 420 B.C. Its amazing that gender is actually a thing. I've always thought gender was just god saying, "Crap, there's another one..."

The red substance that came out of the Vault of Stuff is now wandering town, asking people where the nearest dyslexic person is. Is anyone else wondering what the hell the guy's doing? Like seriously! You don't just go around asking people if they have dyslexia. What an idiot.

The mayor, Dawn Garret just announced that we aren't allowed to eat anything with meatloaf in it. This just happened. No really. The "exactly right now column" said so. It also says to turn on your radio. Well look at that. Advertisement. Yay!

What? Read the "Help section"? Okay.

The help section today says, "Where can I get my daily sicknesses?" And the answer is, "Vons. Come to Vons and make us say the word "Comfy Chairs" to get a big discount on any of our sicknesses." This is boring. Why the heck do I have to read this crap? What? Okay.... Anyway, Vons also wants to tell you that their orange juice is free, "We have plenty of it. We just blend lemons and chipmunks in a separator and it mixes everything just fine."

The Thing Scouts want you to buy their crap. Ahem! I mean cookies. They'll also give you a free pack of ammo if you buy some in the next ten seconds. They also want to verify that if you are alive, they will hunt you down. Hmm... That's probably what happened to me... Hey! Stop! No! Run. Everyone with a gender, run. They'll try to gag you and make you do thi- MMmmpphh! Ah! Don- Mmmpphh! MMpphh... mmmmph... mph... m... ...