"What can you tell me about the night of May 22nd, 2023? Tell me every single detail that you can remember." I'm sitting in a cold room, in a rock hard chair... with not only two men sitting and staring directly at me... but also a camera two feet from my face. Once Libbi told the officers her last name, it became WWII. It had been the second time she had met with the officer she gave her initial report to. It's been a week since Christmas. Once they got her first and last name everything started going quickly. I was called in, since I'm eighteen I was allowed to come alone. Luckily not dragging my parents into this, I honestly doubt they would be able to handle something like this — again. I tell them everything. From snooping around their house to the color of clothing Miles and Libbi were wearing that night. I told them about all the verbal and physical threats he gave me, when they asked why I didn't come forward sooner. To them, it's a no brainer. Something happens to you — to one of your friends you tell immediately. Sadly... that's not always the case. Luckily for Libbi, not enough time had passed so he can still pay for his crimes. However for me... it's been too long. Even if I wanted to come forward now — there would be no point. That's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.
  The second I've told them everything, they shut the camera off. I wipe my sweating hands on my jeans, trying to force my hands to stop shaking. "Don't worry..." The bald officer starts. I look over to him with a confused look. "With your initial phone call, both the stories lining up — he's dug himself a hole no amount of money can dig him out of. He'll be going to prison." He nods his head once before leaving me alone in the room. A flood of relief hits me like a truck... they believe her. They believe us. He'll never be able to do something like this again. As I walk through the station and to my car, there are endless tears streaming down my face. Happy tears for Libbi, getting the justice she deserves. But also for little fourteen year old Olivia. Who was so afraid that no one would believe her. Who was silenced by her trauma, her PTSD. They don't always win, I might not have been brave enough to stand up for myself but I was brave enough to stick up for Libbi, and that's enough to be happy about.
  Lachlan and I haven't talked at all, no rehearsing... no texting... nothing. It's been weird. Going from a timid afraid girl who hid herself from the world... to a girl who hid for no one, fell in love with the most popular boy in school, to nothing again. I don't know, I don't know anything really, and everything that's happened recently has shown that. What I do know is that I'm finally comfortable with myself. I feel comfortable doing what I want and not holding back because of my rules. I'm comfortable in my skin, and I don't hate myself for the first time in almost five years. I know I don't need anyone other than myself to keep myself afloat. I have two amazing best friends and an amazing family. Mom and dad have been getting closer, I think they've been going on dates behind our backs. Another important thing I know is that I'm in love with Lachlan Richards. I want him to know every part of me, I want to know every part of him. But I also know that it's not realistic and it never was. Over the last six days I've watched an unhealthy amount of cheesy rom-coms. Which only made the dying feeling inside my chest worse with each one. I feel like I'm losing my mind, worse and worse by each day that passes. A few nights ago my mom caught me in the greenhouse sobbing while looking at the picture Lachlan had gifted me. She gave me the most heart wrenching words I've ever heard when I told her I was losing it. She wrapped her arms around me tightly whispering into my ear. Love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind. It had made me lose it completely all over again, when the next day I watched twenty seven dresses and heard the line. Which just made me start a mental list in my head of all the sappy movies I watched that remind me of him. The one that's been on repeat in my head for the past week is iconic honestly. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even a little bit, not even at all." Kat hit the nail on the head with that one.
  I can't be focused on him anymore, I've decided to put it — him behind me. He will always be someone I hold in my heart, but that's all he was meant to be... and I'm okay with that. I have to be okay with that. He didn't want me anyway... not really. He never lets people touch him, I've heard things since I've met him. I've seen with my own eyes how he responds to unprovoked touching. Somehow, it doesn't matter when we had sex, it's a question I never asked about but I'm almost certain that it was because of his father. It was something he could control in his life when there's so much that he can't. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and text Haley and Libbi in our group text.

Thoughts on rage room?

  Within minutes they agree and send links to a few different places before we settle on one next to a Mexican restaurant so we can go and eat our body weight in queso after. It only takes fifteen minutes to get there, Haley and Libbi carpooled and beat me here.
  "Hello beautiful people." I say with a straight face. They both break out in uncontrollable laughter. "Okay, let's get in there... you might need this more than I do." Libbi quips while snaking her fingers between mine and dragging me into the building. I didn't tell her exactly what happened the night Lachlan found out. I told her that Miles said everything and Lachlan overheard. That he was upset with me for not telling him sooner, that I knew what his best friend did to his sister and let him continue to be friends with him. I understand why he's upset, I do. But it also wasn't my thing to tell him. I called the police to help Libbi when she needed it, but that was the only thing I had a decision in. If he can't understand that, then that says more about him than it does about me.
  Once we have all the paperwork filled out, and read through the warning pages we finally walk into the room. Each of us look crazy with the safety goggles strapped tightly onto our faces. Libbi and Haley are more timid walking into the room and looking around at everything. The second I get into the room, I pick up the closest thing to me... which so happened to be a sledgehammer. My arms are strong, unwavering as I lift it above my head and slam it down through five glass cups. I let the flashbacks from that stupid fucking party overwhelm me. The start slowly, water. Joey's crooked smile. The velvet stairs, the laughter, the red cup, the steam coming off the hot tub. I continue the same swing over and over until it's no longer enough. I push the sledgehammer so hard it goes completely through a table. Still not enough. I turn to the twenty year old box TV and hit it again and again. I don't know I'm screaming until my throat is hoarse and I'm falling to the floor in tears. Haley is the first one I see, followed by Libbi. Both of their faces etched with worry. Before I can stop it a laugh rips from my throat. Libbi and Haley join me on the floor starting to laugh, until all three of us are laying flat on our backs laughing uncontrollably. How fucked up a teenage girl's life can be.

***

  "So, do you feel better?" Haley's voice rings through the near quiet atmosphere. I looked up from the cheese dip for the first time since we sat down. "You know about everything — from before..." She had never brought it up before, I was always the one to start conversations like this. My eyes darted to Libbi, and she's just looking at me with sad but hopeful eyes. I nod timidly. "I've given enough of my life to that piece of shit. I'm tired of it, I never want to think of him again." They both nod in agreement. "So... What do you think about going to a new years eve party tomorrow night?" It's Libbi who asks. I look from her to Haley, both of them rigidly waiting for my answer. I chuckle at them, I know what they're doing. "Did you guys plan this or something?" Their eyes slowly move from my face to each other before landing back on me. "Well, the girl who's throwing the party has a pool. I know it's technically winter but it's California so—" Haley's voice trails off. I feel my entire body stiffen in response to her words. I nod my head erratically. "Yeah, yeah lets go. For sure. I have to get over the fear somehow right?" I chuckle, but it sounds anything but amused. "Hey baby steps right? We'll be with you the entire night. Promise." Libbi adds in.
  During the drive home I think about what I'm going to wear. This will be the first party I go to after Lachlan. Will he be there? No, it doesn't matter. I pull into the driveway and it's empty. I walk in eerily, scoping it out to see if anyone is home. When I don't find anyone upstairs, I climb the short staircase to my bedroom. Lilac is laying on her stomach on her bed, headphones in and on her phone. I nod my head at her when she looks up at me, but keep my head low. Not wanting to talk.
  "Hey, do you have a minute?" Her quiet voice asks. I let out a breath before turning around and nodding my head and sitting down on the floor next to her. "What's up kiddo?" I ask while ruffling her hair. She growls for a second before scooting down and sitting next to me. "How do you know when you're ready for sex?" My breath is knocked out of my lungs, caught completely off guard by her question. "It's just — Everyone has started to talk about it. There's this boy I like, and he asked me out tonight... and I want to be prepared." She practically shoves out of her mouth. Fourteen. She's fourteen years old. The same age I was when I got my decision ripped from me. The age I was when I became broken. The age I turned myself into nothing. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes quickly. I want to give her the right advice... I don't want to blow up because she'll never trust me again. When I open my eyes I look at her, like really look at her. Her eyes have filled with unshed tears, and she's trembling. I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before starting. "Lily. Lilac Stratton. If you have to ask — then you aren't ready, love." I pause letting those words sink into her. "I'm not sure how much you know about what happened to me... but I can tell you if you want." I give her the choice, because ultimately it will be up to her. "Before you decide... It's not a love story. It's gruesome, and disgusting... humiliating. But if you want to know about sex then I think you're ready to hear it. But I'm giving you the choice." She thinks for a few seconds, really taking her time to make a decision before slowly nodding. I let out a puff of air before telling her everything. "When I was a freshman... your exact age actually... I met a boy. He was a junior... he was seventeen. He told me that I was mature, and beautiful. All the things young girls like us like to hear." I pause letting her adjust to the story. "I went to a party — a party mom begged me not to go to. I went anyway, I didn't think she understood." She scoffs as if agreeing that she thought the same. "I drank alcohol at the party, I put my complete trust into this boy that I had only known for a few weeks." I take the biggest breath my lungs can hold before starting the downfall of the story she eagerly wants to hear. "He drugged me. I trusted him, I trusted the drinks he was giving me without even thinking, and he drugged me." I hear her suck in a shocked breath but I continue. "Before I realized what I was feeling he took me outside to swim. I was so nervous and I knew something was wrong but he kept saying over and over that I could trust him. So I did." I wrap my arm around her. She probably thinks it's for her but in all honesty it's for me. "Once I was in my bra and panties... he pulled me into the hot tub with him. He started kissing me... at first it felt really good. Until it didn't — he became aggressive when I tried to stop him from taking off my panties." Her small fingers gripped onto my hand as her only response. " When I tried to scream for help... he pushed my head under water, and pulled my panties down anyway." Her hands were gripping mine so hard she was shaking, but she continued to listen. I took another breath giving myself a second to collect myself as I felt the tears slowly falling down my cheeks. "When I told him I didn't want to, he did it anyway. Any time I tried to scream for help he held me underwater. I was drugged... raped... and scared. Do you know what the word rape means Lilac. Do you understand what any of this means?" She didn't answer immediately, but after a few seconds she nodded. She unclenched her fingers and backed away from me, keeping her gaze away from me. She's disgusted by me, I'm not the sister she thought I was. I felt my heart begin to crack in my chest more and more the longer she didn't look at me. I began to get up, to leave her alone — I didn't want this. I wanted to help her... to educate her. I got to my knees before her entire body started shaking and her sobs escaped through her lips. Her head snapped over to me, and my heart broke into two pieces. She had tears streaming down her cheeks, and she was shaking so bad she couldn't get herself to stop. "I'm so sorry. Liv... Olivia. I'm so sorry that happened." I don't know if I collapsed down to her or if my brain gave the demand, but I was back on her level. I wrapped my arms tightly around her, letting her know that if I had any way of protecting her I always would. "I remember." Her voice cracked out. "When that was happening. I hated you. You went through all of that and I hated you because it made mom and dad fight. I'm so sorry Olivia. Please forgive me. Please." She was pleading... begging. We sat there for hours, tangled around each other crying, apologizing and forgiving each other for things we didn't have control over.
  I know it was a lot, making her listen to what happened to me. But she needed to hear it, she decided that she wasn't ready for sex and probably wouldn't be for a long time. I told her that that was okay, and not to let anyone make her feel bad about it. Told her the best thing in life is having your choice. I feel closer to her now than I ever have, and she really is growing up. She's half way through her freshman year and will begin her second year of high school soon. She was old enough to hear it, but I texted my parents letting them know that I told her everything. They wanted to tell everyone when it happened but Lilac was only ten at the time and I didn't want to traumatize her. She probably hadn't even known what sex was at that time, and she just didn't need to hear all the details. I think my parents told Jessie a year or so after it happened, after Joey had graduated.
  I turned around until I was facing the wall and let out the tears that I didn't let out earlier. Lilac had fallen asleep a few hours ago, but I wanted her to see me as strong. I let myself break one last time for the little girl who had everything ripped from her. One last time to think about every slimy detail of his face... of his hands gripping my body... the smell of the chlorine... the smell of his cologne drifting off of him. One last time to let the nightmare take over me, and then it was done. I have to get over this and I'm deciding now is the time. I will not freak out tomorrow, I will be calm and collected. This will not be held over me for a second longer, it's already taken four years of my life. I might not be able to do anything about it now — but even if I could I still don't think I would. I've always thought if I tell... it gives him the satisfaction of knowing that he didn't just rape me that night. He stole who I was from me. He stole the future that young girl had. He stole my personality. He stole my emotions... and he stole the love I had for myself. He took everything from me by stealing my choice. But he will never know that he killed me that night. He will never know that he not only stole my virginity but he stole a daughter and a sister away from my family. He took everything that was me... and I'm finally finding myself again. Something he can never take credit for