"You know... the only dream I can ever remember having —" His voice falters for a few seconds. "I've always wanted to travel the world, not like fancy hotels, and sight seeing..." He pauses again, emotion thrown over his face heavily. "I want to go to third world countries and help build schools for children. I want to feed them, teach them, and give them something they can be excited about." He ends abruptly. This is the most open he's ever been with me. We've spent every day of our winter break together. Sleeping, eating, laughing... I've done everything with him. I haven't had a single night alone since the night I gave him my choice. We still haven't talked about what this is, between us. As we lay on this quilt in his giant backyard gazing up at the stars, this is the moment. The moment he has me, and he doesn't even know.
"I don't know, it probably sounds stupid." He scoffs at himself. "It doesn't." I take a second to collect the right words, somehow knowing that this is an important moment. "I think — that's very noble of you. Something I would never expect someone like you — more so your family would ever want to do with their lives. I admire you for it." He sits up slowly, eyeing me as if he didn't actually hear the words I said. "So, if that's what you want to do... then why don't you do it? It's not like you have to save up money for years for it?" I question. He chuckles softly almost to himself, "My father would never let that happen. I'm the next son to run the family business." He says the last sentence in a voice that is not his own. Like he's heard it over and over from someone else's lips. "Lachlan — you give your father too much power over you. You're eighteen years old. You could leave now if you wanted to, and he couldn't stop you." I huff, overly annoyed with his scum of a father. "You don't get it." He says just below a whisper. "He does have control. If I don't do this, the business will have to be handed off to someone who isn't in the family for the first time since it was founded in the eighteen hundreds. My father will never let that happen." He's looking off into the distant trees now, not looking at me. He's leaning all of his weight on his hands that are propped up behind him.
As comfortable as I am around him, I don't waste a single thought as I slither on top of his lap, placing my hands on either side of his face so he has no choice but to look at me. "Lachlan, you have cousins... hell you even have a sister who could run this company with her eyes closed if she wanted to. Your father only has power over you... because you give it to him. If you really want to go help third world children and families then do that. Announce it somewhere he can't start an argument at." I pause again, with a small laugh to myself. "Yeah, he'll be pissed. But there won't be anything he can do. Especially if you do it in front of an audience or something crazy." There's a small twinkle of excitement in his eyes, he leans slowly into me. His scent is the first thing that hits my senses. Right before his lips come crashing down on mine, bruising and caressing all tangled together fighting for victory. That's how it always is with him... a battle within myself that knows he has the power to hurt me. But the other side is throwing everything I have ever kept inside at him. Wanting to be seen, heard, and loved.
"I have to go home soon, before Augs wakes up and gets the whole house up to see what Santa brought us." I say with a chuckle. "I love that little guy, take a video of him opening the gift I got him. I can't wait to see his face." I look at him, smiling, feeling all the things. "What?" I shake my head in response. "What's that face for?" He's now hovering over the top of me trying to tickle the answer out of me. "I just love that you love him." As the words leave my lips, his body stiffens. "Let's beat Santa to your house..." He stands swiftly, dropping his hand to me. Everything just changed... I feel the shift. Seven words, only one of them mattered.
I stood without his help, walking past him to his car. I could have driven here, but he's always so insistent on picking me up and dropping me off at home. I've been telling my parents that it was to rehearse for our project. Which isn't a full lie, we spend an hour every time we're together rehearsing. Especially the kissing scene. Not a word is said the entire drive back to my house, which tonight lasts way longer than it's ever had. "Thanks for the ride." I mumble out before jumping out of his parked car. He mumbled something under his breath that sounded a lot like Merry Christmas but I shut the door too soon to be sure.

***

I recorded Auggie opening Lachlan's gift, it was cute and wholesome... and I wish I didn't have a sick feeling in my gut the entire time. A few of the times he was here he was sketching in a book that he always carries with him. He refused to show me what was in it every time I asked, but when Auggie asked, he made him promise not to tell me and showed him. He's been non stop talking about art supplies and drawing since he saw whatever was in the little black book. We've been done with Christmas festivities for a few hours, I just got off the phone with Libbi. SHe told me she was going in the morning to tell the police everything. Her parents would be leaving late tonight, and she didn't want them near when she did it. I'm off the phone for maybe thirty seconds when I hear a mix of Auggie and Lilac screaming my name. "What's going on?" I smack my shoulder on the wall as I round the corner rushing as fast as I can. "This was sitting on the porch and had your name written on it." I noticed for the first time, the giant rectangular package leaned against the door behind them. My parents and Jessie have come from wherever they were hiding to witness whatever's going on. The wrapping is plain smooth brown paper, with a black silk ribbon tied around it. My name is written in sharpie on the side where a big black ribbon is tied into a bow. Without a thought, I slide the ribbon off the sides with ease. Slowly removing the tape that's keeping the gift concealed. When the paper falls away, so does all the air in my lungs. It's a canvas, the length of my legs. There are hundreds of small notebook pages put together, each having little drawn on it. Making something bigger. It's a picture of me. It looks like they were all done at different times. A sob threatens to break through my throat, but I don't allow it. I look up at everyone around me, with wide eyes. The only person who has any evidence that they knew is Auggie. This is what he showed him, I'm sure he didn't know it was going to be... this. This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. This not only shows me a skill that he never told me he had... but how much he paid attention to me. Placing freckles in the correct places... the dip in my cheeks from smiling... he saw me. He knows me. The thought and time that was put into this...
I finally take a gasp of air into my screaming lungs. Tearing welling in the pits of my water lines. "Oh, honey." Mom's voice is the only sound in the air as she wraps her arms around me. "I have to go." I lean the picture on the wall behind the front door, grab my keys and leave... with only one destination in mind. I don't remember much of the drive here, my mind in other places. My skin shivers when I get out of my car, at the chill in the night air. I'm wearing fuzzy ankle socks, slide on shoes, workout shorts, and one of Lachlan's crewnecks sweatshirts that hits my mid thigh. His house is lit up, from the outside and throughout the house. There's a few more cars here than normal, but they don't make my steps falter. I need to see him... to thank him... to tell him everything. I walk in the front door without knocking, walking around and not seeing anyone but staff. Their eyes all widen when they take me in, but none of them say anything. I'm not sure if it's because I look manic... or because they're literally not allowed to speak to anyone, but I certainly don't stop to ask. I walk through room after room, hearing voices and laughter without being able to find them. Once I make it to their second living area, I see a giant tree with gifts unwrapped, but the only people I see are staff cleaning the mess. That must be how they all live. Making messes and never knowing how they get cleaned up, just coming back later to everything being cleaned up. I scoff at the thought of being so ignorant. But Libbi and Lachlan aren't like that. I don't know how they managed to keep some form of humanity when they're always around such — vultures... but they have. And I love them both for it.
I walk into Lachlan's room, hoping that he's here. But he's not. I check the bathroom and the closet just to make sure. When I step out of his closet there's someone standing at the door, and I feel every part of me relax... until the voice fills the air. The chuckle that comes out of him is animalistic. Degrading without opening his mouth to speak words. "You know... I never thought you would actually do it. Small poor girl like you." My spine begins vibrating with fear. I clench my fist so he can't see it, if Libbiann can be brave enough to do something I've never done... I can't show him the weakness he so desperately needs. He takes measured steps toward me slowly, keeping enough distance but moving enough for me to know he's coming for me. "I didn't think you would call. I didn't think you would change your entire appearance, to gain the attention of my best friend." He pauses and I open my mouth to speak. But he silences me. Within a split second his hand is tightly gripping my throat, stealing any words I had to say away from me. He pulls me forward slightly, before slamming my head back as hard as he can. My vision goes blurry, and then black before everything comes into focus again. The edges of my vision remain blurry, but I have enough of my senses. I steal my spine, and try to take small thought out breaths. "You just wouldn't leave it alone, even after I gave you warning after warning." He spits through his teeth which are now right above my ear. Over his shoulder I see a silhouette of a person, creeping up from the shadows. By the outline of his hair... I know it's Lachlan. His steps are quiet but hurried, until I raise my hand behind Miles' back. He stops around the edge of the door, with a look that could kill on his face. "She had been drinking all night. Was hanging all over me. She wanted me... I know she did." His grip has eased just enough for me to croak out a few words. "What... Did you make your move? Did she reject you? That's why you had to drug her?" His grip formed again, but I pulled the words out even though they were barely above a whisper. "Why you tried to rape her? She didn't want you after all these years of stringing you along?" His grip turns to steel around me, cutting off even the breath that I was stealing. "You don't know anything. She always followed us around. She was always wearing these skimpy outfits begging me to touch her. She didn't have to tell me. I knew. Libbi was just playing hard to get..." That's it. Exactly what I needed him to say. Lachlan turns to stone, so still he looks as if a statue. My vision begins to blacken again, but I don't beg him to let me go. I don't claw at his hands to get free. I simply let myself fall into the quicksand of blackness. After a few hours... minutes... seconds I don't know how much time has passed when I feel his hand ripped away from me. I can't see much, everything is too blurry. But I hear them blow after blow. My throat is raw, and I'm not sure if the sounds I'm hearing are coming from me... or one of them. When my vision comes back, Miles is rushing from the room and Lachlan is making his way to me. I sit up and lean my back on the closest thing I can. I'm not sure if it's his couch, bed, or the wall. He helps me to my feet, without a word... without looking at me. "Say something please." I croak out, my voice not sounding like my own. He's quiet for a few minutes, almost dragging me along. I don't know where he's taking me but I don't care to look. I trust that he won't hurt me. "You knew?" Are the first words he speaks. I find myself stunned. Stunned that that's the first thing he says to me. "Yes, I knew. That's why I called the police. I was saving your sister... from your best friend." I put everything out into the air, making sure nothing is lost in communication. He winces once my words hit his ears. We're outside now, a few feet from my car. "Why didn't you tell me? All this time... you let me stand by him... with him." "It wasn't my secret to tell. Libbi was — afraid to tell you. She was afraid to tell anyone... I couldn't make that decision for her. I wouldn't." He is quiet again, only for a few beats. "All this time... we were spending time together. Getting close to me. All of that... was to get back at him? All of it... everything was because — him?" Out of the many scenarios that played out in my head this was never one of them. I didn't think he would have thought this ever, based on how long it truly took me to trust him. I thought — "I thought you knew me better than that. But I guess not." "Yeah... apparently I don't know you at all." I scoff.
The quiet seems like hours before either of us speak. "I came to say thank you. For the gift you left at my house. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I never would have done that to Libbi, and that's just something you'll have to talk to her about. But just know —" I pause. Asking myself if I really want to go there... to hurt him as bad as he's hurt me. But the devil takes over. "She was afraid to tell you... because she didn't think you would believe her. She thought you would take his side." I can see him stiffen even from where I stand feet away from him. Without another word he turns around and walks away. Leaving me alone, never even asking if I was okay. This is definitely not how I thought coming over here would go.
I get into my car, and start driving home. Everything inside my body feels like it's shutting down. I knew this would happen. I knew if I opened myself up again I would get hurt. I knew if I let him in... he would destroy me. Yet — I did it anyway. The fire coursing through my body burning everything it touches I only have myself to blame. I'll never trust myself with my heart again... mostly because I just left it with him. Bruised, bleeding, and broken.