HELLO MOTHERFUCKERS 

and welcome to episode one of The Umbrella Academy which is called "We only see each other on weddings and funerals" 

Sounds awesome.

Btw, I know one of the characters changed their gender in s3, but for now on I'll refer to them how they're portrayed currently. 

We begin with the Netflix intro 'DU-DUNNNN' which always gives me a heart attack if I don't watch out. 

And the first thing we see is...feet. 

Mhm. 

There are several women in black bathing suits doing some water-yoga or whatever you call it, and a nice little subtitle explains to us that we're in "Russia on October 1, 1989 (Taylor's Version)' 

Thank you, little subtitle. Very polite of you. 

The Russian Babuschkas do some stretching with an older lady commanding them. 

And because the subtitles are helpful as always (Woman speaking Russian), I've made the effort of using two braincells to translate it for you. 

"napravo...nalevo, napravo... nalevo" 

To the right, to the left...

"ras, dwa, tri..."

Basically means one, two three. 

Next shot, we see two people sitting apart from each other, with the Bugs Bunny flag in the background. 

It's a young man in one of those horrible underpants for swimming, and a woman with the ONLY YELLOW BATHING SUIT, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT LIKE OTHER DEVUSHKI

They're clearly in looove with each other because they smile, and look away, and smile again, before another woman steps between them to quench her thirst...

...for blood- 

Not for blood. 

But these two can't be disturbed, because they lean forward to look at each other again from behind that lady's ass. 

The guy then walks over to her, with his skinny-ass legs, greets her, and instantly leans in for a smooch, which she declines. 

True rizz. 

They get interrupted by the kissing police who furiously knocks on a window and throws gang signs at them to stop. 

...

It's just the lifeguard, but anyways. 

They sit in shame, before she quickly kisses him on the cheek and runs away into da wo'er with a cannonball. 

Now the yoga-instruction-lady whistles at her but stops caring afterwards, continuing her lesson. 

The cute little music slowly turns eerie when the bloodthirsty lady from before notices something in the water, tapping her neighbor to catch her attention. 

The water slowly turns red from where yellow-bathing-suit-girl had jumped in. 

Finally girlie can have a good drink. 

Btw, bathing-girl is called Tatjana, because the shortie pants dude calls out for her. 

She suddenly pops out of the water, pregnant. 

If three year old me had seen this, I would've used it as official proof that you could never kiss without suffering the consequences. 

The women scatter, because where blood is, there are sharks, duh. 

We see her screaming in pain, surrounded by worried ladies as she suddenly has to give birth. 

Have I already told you that giving birth is the second most painful thing a human body can experience? 

The worst thing is being burned alive. 

Both things women had to suffer throughout history. 

Something to think about. 

Next thing we know, boom, a child. 

A narrator starts speaking, telling us how 43 women around the world gave birth out of nowhere and none of them had been pregnant before. 

✨Magic✨

Cut to a shot from MOSCOW MOSCOW, WIRF DIE GLÄSER AN DIE WAND- 🎶

Time to get to know the biggest bastard in this show; please welcome...

An old rich guy named Sir Reginald Hargreeves, who looks like the Monopoly-man.

His self-imposed quest is to find and collect as many of these surprise-motherfucker children as possible. 

Just casually buying kids. 

...

Gotta catch em all. 

Btw they all developed super powers, that's why. 

The polite little subtitle from before tells us that he got seven of them. 

*Cue Picture Book by the Kinks* 

Literally. 

This show has such a fire playlist, istg- 

We see a montage of him walking around with seven ladies in uniforms, pushing strollers, as one, in unity, Amen. 

Cut to -Today- 

We see a chair. 

WOWOMGHOWFASCINATINGATRUEMASTERPIECE

A young woman starts playing The Phantom Of The Opra on the violin and I instantly get goosebumps. 

While the song plays on in the background, we see an alarm clock telling us that it's 23:28

That's when the party really starts, am I right?! 

Ahaha...

I'm lonely

A very disproportional man wakes up, hits his head on the ceiling and clicks some magic buttons, that I'm sure do very important things. 

He waters a fake plant and gets dressed in a space suit or whatever. 

Apparently he's some kind of astronaut, because he steps out of his little appartment and we find out that he's living on the moon. 

Took living in isolation a bit too literal. 

We find out that his name is

Hai, Luther, welcome to the show. 

(He's got super strength because ape together strong ooga booga)

He throws away space-trash in his space-trashcan and because that's such an action-filled scene, a guitar and drums join the violin with a funky beat.

Cut to a robbery with a guy being threatened in his own house.

The audacity. 

The robbers suddenly get overthrown by a guy in a racoon mask called

Yes, hello, low-quality Batman. 

(Stabby little bitch)

He throws with knives and demolishes the whole house, woho! 

*Cue epic violin shredding* 

Change of scenery. 

Cars. 

A red carpet. 

A beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, amazing, breathtaking, show-stopping- 

(Is very convincing) 

She's super famous and all da paparazzi can't shut up about her. 

Lady Gaga be like.

The violin woman continues playing, now with Angel Of Music. 

We see the hottest, most adorable man on earth

*Sniff* Robert, my baby. 

His character gets introduced as 

(Human ouija board) 

Cut to Luther who watches the earth, when he gets a message which apparently makes him very sad. 

Somebody probably called him loser on Facebook. 

In the meantime, Diego managed to save the day, leaving the family shocked and with longlasting trauma of seeing several men getting killed by one (1) gloomy guy. 

The news apparently go wild over Luther's extreme cyberbullying, because they show "a breaking story" and Diego gets sad too. 

The paparazzi know of the news faster than Allison, but she get's led off the carpet, while they ask about a funeral and when the last time was she saw her brothers. 

Wow, what a tragic case of internet brutality. 

Klaus is already high again and gets revitalized. 

Bro just got out of rehab, what a trooper. 

We find out that it, in fact, wasn't somebody bullying Luther online, but the death of Reginald Hargreeves, the one who started it all. 

Not even ten minutes in and shit's already going down, wow. 

The violinist suddenly abruptly stops playing when the lights in the concert hall switch on and we find out that she's all alone. 

I could cry. 

Everyone, say they love and appreciate

She walks home and on her way through the city she finds out about her father's death too. 

And on the exact second it starts to rain with sad music playing. 

She drives home with a taxi while we see snippets of a building that looks like it's worth more than my own life.  

This is where the kiddos grew up, got trained for whatever Reggie had in mind and collected their own box of trauma. 

In one of the snippets there's a notebook on...how the children sleep, apparently??? And...yeah, Edward Cullen would be proud of Reginald's stalking skills. 

We see a painting of the family, but with only six children. That means Reginald was actively neglecting one of them like that bullshit father he was. 

Spoiler, it's Vanya. 

The picture changes, now with only five people left. Cut to another portrait from the boy that disappeared from the first painting. 

Bro looks sophisticated. 

Vanya is leaning her head against the car's window like I do when I pretend I'm in a sad music video. 

We see a statue of another boy in the academy's garden (I think), and the painting changes, with another person missing and the other kids a little older now. 

So they lost two siblings during their childhood, how nice. 

Vanya gets out of the car, now finally in front of the entrance of her old home and we see the title 'The Umbrella Academy' 

All of this was just the 'intro', people. The real shit is yet to come, wtf. 

Vanya enters the lobby and she looks so tiny and all alone compared to the room.

And when I tell you, I can smell this house. The old wood, the cold marble floor, the many books that rank the shelves... heck, I can even smell the carpet. 

Vanya sees somebody in the living/ alcohol/ eating room and we see a young blonde woman who turns out to be their mother. 

Dang girl, drop that skincare routine. 

(You'll get the joke some day)

She's a bit weird. 

See the thing is, Reggie has a problem. And this problem shows in the way he treats his family. And because he couldn't handle the mess he made himself, he had to get help. 

This help being an electronic AI in form of a beautiful woman who he programmed to love him, because he received none from his children. 

Pedo. 

Grace doesn't react on Vanya's soft calls, only sits and stares blankly into the fire. She's kinda developed human emotions...

Suddenly Allison appears from upstairs and the two sisters hug each other really awkwardly because Allison is basically a giant, but still sweet. 

See Vanya was the sibling that never got to play with the others, never got to go on missions with them because she has no powers and is therefore "ordinary" which the rest of her family never forgets to mention. 

Healthy relationship, I know. 

To prove my point, Diego appears and tells us exactly what I just did. 

"She doesn't belong here" 

Asshole, you're lucky character development exists. 

Vanya gets insecure, wanting to leave again but Allison defends her and reassures her that it's nice that she's here. 

We see Luther in his father's room, investigating on how he might've died. 

He's a Papa's Boy. 

His counterpart, Mama's Boy just entered the room, telling him that it wasn't an assassination. 

Diego is a professional in things like this.

And a professional in breaking into stuff, because he stole the death report or whatever from the coroner's office. 

Turns out Reggie died from a heart attack. 

Loser. 

But Luther is convinced it was murder because Pogo, their chimpanzee buttler told him he couldn't find Reggie's monocle. 

You heard me right. 

Chimpanzee. 

Reginald had some problems, dude. 

Diego says Reg deserved to die alone, Luther nearly threw hands and Vanya reads the books she wrote about being the "Number Seven" of the family, where she spilled aaall the tea and that's why the whole family basically hates her. 

And there he is, Pogo Stick, in all his monkey beauty and grace. 

My guy wears suits better than most men. 

We find out that the first kid who had disappeared is called Five, and he's been missing for...

 *squints at TV* 

...a very long time. 

Yeh. 

They talk about how Vanya used to leave him Peanutbutter and Marshmallow sandwiches -favoritesiblingfavoritesibling- in case he ever came back -favoritesiblingfavoritesibling- and how Pogo stepped into them all the time. 

Okay but does this mean that Vanya just left random sandwiches lying around the house or did Pogo actively moonwalk over tables that he managed to step into them? 

I have so many questions...

Allison sneaks around Reggie's office, has a flashback how she and her siblings wanted to say goodnight to him and he elegantly ignored them, and now I'm ready for murder. 

Klaus is already there, looking for money,and being the cutest person on earth. 

Luther appears in the doorframe, serious as always and demands for Klaus to put back the shit he's stolen. 

Klaus leaves monkeh and movie star alone and they have this weird conversation because they are secretly in love ☠️ and we find out that Allison's divorce and how her husband had gotten custody over her daughter Claire. 

You know, Allison can do mind control by saying 'I heard a rumor...' and then say the thing she wishes for. 

But to what extend? 

Can she change appearance? 'I heard a rumor that I was pretty'?

'I heard a rumor that my room cleaned itself'? 

*gasp* 

'I heard a rumor that my cat could speak' 

No idea, it doesn't get explained. 

The family gathers around the livingroom sitting in awkward silence and Klaus, who's wearing Allison's entire wardrobe is already a bit drunk. 

What an icon. 

Luther is still obsessing over Reginald's death, the others don't have any time for his shit, he asks Klaus to talk to his dead spirit who's apparently playing tennis with Hitler. 

Luther keeps bragging about how he thinks one of them killed their father, Klaus is already on his way to "murder Mom", and they all split up again. 

Istg these assholes can't keep it together for five fucking minutes. 

Flashback to 17 years ago where we see the whole academy on a mission at a bank robbery, Five and the other missing boy included. 

*Funky music*

We see how they use their powers, Five can teleport and is a smug little shithead who is very impressed by badass staplers. 

Ben, who the statue from before is supposed to show, is some kind of alien-tentacle-horror-monster who gets drenched in blood but is actually just a soft little guy who wants to go home. 

*Sobs* 

Turns out Reggie has trained them to become super heroes. 

-END OF FLASHBACK, WHOO- 

Klaus tries to summon his father but he's too high to do it and accidentally spills his ashes. 

The family all split up into different rooms when Luther starts playing "I think we're alone now" by Tiffany and they all start dancing for themselves. 

How ironic.

But fr now, how fucking thin are these walls? Like you could hear it in the whole ass house. 

Also, they're all terrible at dancing. 

This gets suddenly interrupted when a blue portal suddenly opens up outside. Klaus is the only one who tries to do... something, instead of just standing and watching. 

Sadly, his idea of fighting a temporal anomaly/ minature black hole is throwing a fire extinguisher at it. 

My idiot child, I love him. 

A person randomly drops from the portal and we finally get to know

Big confusion. 

They all gather in the kitchen, Klaus sits on the table with his nekked feet, Five explains how he got stuck in the future (yes he can time travel too, but he's really shitty at that) for 45 years, I think. 

He compliments -favoritesiblingfavoritesibling- Klaus on his outfit -favoritesiblingfavoritesibling-and Klaus says danke -favoritesiblingfavoritesibling- like the German Kartoffel he is. 

And he uses some super smart words to explain that he's basically in his 50'ies but in a child's body. 

He insults Diego out of nowhere and that led to Diego nearly throwing hands with a 13 year old. 

I have so many memes for this. 

Five puts on his old academy uniform and his closet looks exactly like the meme from Bee movie where the clothes are all the same fucking thing. 

Vanya and Five talk a little, he says he read her book -favoritesiblingfavoritesibling-and that it was really -favoritesiblingfavoritesibling- good, all things considered. 

We find out that Ben died, but not how he died, just that he died and okay I get it, he's dead, you can leave me alone now. 

It's raining again and they all go outside with their umbrellas and of course Diego doesn't need one because he's a ReAl MaN and Klaus has a pink one and that just sums up their characters perfectly. 

Grace is really suspicious because she doesn't know what's going on even if they're just about to spread their dead father's and her husband's ashes. 

It's a really pathetic ceremony that ends with Luther and Diego throwing hands and beheading Ben's statue. 

Klaus is very invested in the fight, also whike protecting -favoritesibling!- Five, who smacks his brother's arm away. 

And they all just  l e a v e  without giving a shit. 

Another flashback to when they were all training by...running up stairs (?) And getting tattoos of the academy's logo. And they're clearly in pain, little Allison is crying and Klaus has to comfort her. 

And that, my dear friends is child abuse, so I want nobody saying that Reginald prepared them for life or whatever because that is just bullshit. 

Man films his children when they're sleeping, measuring their brain activities and shit.

End of flashback, cut to Vanya taking her medications and talking to Pogo, who tells her that Reggie loved her very much and- 

OH, DON'T COME AT ME WITH THAT CRAP, STOP LYING TO YOURSELF

Jeez. 

Vanya leaves and Pogo closes the door in a very SuSpIcIoUs way. 

🤨

Five, Klaus (who's hugging an electric guitar for some reason) and Allison talk in the kitchen, Five is a coffee addict and takes the car to get some in a shop or whatever, because R*ginald hated caffeine and therefore has no hot brown morning stew. 

Also, I'm convinced that Robert Sheehan grabbed whatever he could find for the most random scenes for his character to interact with and the directors just rolled with it. 

Diego also leaves, Klaus follows him like a puppy and talks about hippos that shit on his face.

That was unscripted, Robert just said that because he could, proving my point from before. 

David nearly broke character, you can see him internally fighting not laugh. 

Luther wathes from the window, before examining his hairy-ass arm Diego cut open during the fight. 

Grace sits and looks at pretty paintings, with more emotions in her eyes than Reginald ever had. 

Meanwhile Five found a doughnut shop, orders black coffee, freaks out the poor waitress and talks about how he and his siblings used to sneak out to (break into) this shop and eat until they puked. 

My guy doesn't talk to his family but overshares with a random tow truck driver in a doughnut shop, wow. 

But it's a really nice driver, who pays for Five's coffee- aaand I'm emotionally attached. 

Five asks him about an adress but don't know how the conversation ends because the next thing we see is tow truck man leaving the shop. 

Some mysterious agents, heavily armed, enter the shop trying to arrest Five. 

Who are they? 

Who sent them? 

And what did Five do that he knows them? 

All very interesting...

I could try to analyse and explain everything, but I'd rather spend my time telling you about tHE AWESOME FIGHT SCENE THAT COMES NOW. 

Five goes absolutely batshit, killing the whole-ass group with pens and butterknives and breaking their next while they try to shoot him but only shoot each other, and the waitress from before is crying, searching for cover, and Five steals one of the man's ties and all of that while ISTANBUL NOT CONSTANTINOPLE NOW IT'S ISTANBUL NOT CONSTANTINOPLE is playing in the background. 

Man, I'm a SUCKER for fight scenes with funky music. 

Five cuts out a tracker they'd used to find him and then just heads out like nothing happened. 

Harsh cut to Diego brooding at a river -like Batman- standing alone and lost in thought -like Batman!- holding up his dad's monocle while being all mysterious -LiKe BaTmAn- having the voice of Luther echoing in his mind, making it even more serious -LIKE FUCKING BATMAN- 

Klaus calls out for him saying that they're hungry...

*Gasp!* They?? 

Yes, because now we finally get to see Ben! Who's basically following Klaus around as his ghostly-conscience. 

Our first impression of him is that he's like some kind of dark emo who doesn't speak, looking like the evil Kermit meme, with his hood on and stuff...but he really is a sweet guy. 

(Dude can show you the middle finger with eight tentacles) 

They agree on eating waffles, Doney would be proud, Diego drives off to fight some crime with his ridiculous mask on and we're left in a pool of questions. 

Vanya gets home, gets scared by Five who broke into her appartement and treats the wound he got himself from removing the tracker. 

FAVORITE SIBLING

He tells her about the future and how he found out about an apocalypse, what we see in a little flashback of him standing in nothing but pure destruction. 

And it's supposed to happen in eight days. 

Stressful. 

And he has no idea how to stop it. 

Even more stressful. 

Vanya makes some coffee and-

BOOM! THE END 

This is one of my favorite shows and I love how they all just collectively posses three braincells and the rest has to take turns. 

1000 outta ten