Hello and welcome to Harry Potter and the smart man's rock. 

Just to clear things up. I will use the extended version, not the cinema version of the movie. 

Why? 

Because I'm a material gurl and I have the super-special-extra-bluray-edition. 

So, let's get started. 

We begin with the dramatic WB logo and the Harry Potter theme in the background. 

It is nighttime and we see an owl, sitting on a sign that says "Privet drive"

Spooky, mysterious music plays, when suddenly, a very old man pops up behind some really fake trees. 

He lifts his vape or... lighter or whatever, flicks it and the lights on the street suddenly die out. 

So obviously, he doesn't want to be seen. Then WHY? does he leave on the laterns at the front doors of the houses? 

Fucking morron. 

A cat meows and then transformes into an old lady. And her name is McGonagall. 

We find out, that the name of the man is Albus Dumbledore and together they walk down the street. 

They talk about something. Apparently, something good and something bad happened. 

I'm really good at this, I know. 

They wait for someone called Hagrid, who appears on a flying motorbike. 

Man, Dumbledore made such effort of being sneaky and secretive and then this motherfuka comes, on his roaring motorbike, making hella noise and still NOBODY sees them. 

Bullshit. 

By the way, Hagrid is huge and looks like a human Chewbacca. 

But he's really nice and trustworthy and he's actually a super sweet guy, who just looks like a hairball with feet. 

He gives Dumbledore a small Baby and Dumbledore's just like "Let's just leave the child that is our only hope, on this doorstep and leave xD" 

McGonagall is shocked. Because the people living in this house are "the worst kind of Muggles" 

Btw, Muggles are non-wizards

They discuss a bit like 

"Albus, these are horrible!"

- "They are his family" 

"But he'll be better off anywhere else!"

-"His family."

"But-" 

"FAMILY!" 

Then Dumbledore places a letter, made out of the thinnest paper, on the Baby and says: "Good luck... Harry Potter" 

We see the Baby. It has a terrible scar, looking like a lightning, on his forehead and loud, dramatic music starts playing. 

The scar starts to glow and we see the title "Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone" in golden letters with thunder and lightning. 

Hehe lightning. Get it? Like the scar  'n so...?

*Cricket sounds* 

 *sighs* I'll stop. 

Time skip: we see the older Harry, waking up to his aunt Petunia, banging on his door and shouting like "Wake up motherfucker, or I'll burn down eVeRyThInG!" 

That's not what she said but yeah. 

We find out that Harry lives in a cupboard unter the stairs because Petunia unlocks a small door and Harry is behind this door. 

Yeah, correct. 

She unlocks the door. 

So Harry get's locked inside there over the night. What if he has to pee? What If he's up early and wants to eat something? 

Harry get's up, puts on his glasses and get's some dust in his face because his cousin Dudley, who looks like Augustus Gloop, jumps on the stairs, screaming something about a zoo. 

Sorry man, but YOU belong in a zoo. 

Harry enteres the kitchen, while Dudley get's kissed and snuggled by his mother, because it's his birthday. 

And here we see the father of the family Dursley and his name is Vernon but I will call him Fatty McFattface because he is chonki. 

So now, Dudley is Fatty McFattface Junior. 

Petunia goes full on Gordon Ramsay mode and screams at Harry so he makes breakfast. 

Harry struggles with the bacon and Dudley freaks out because he doesn't have enough presents. 

They go to the zoo, Harry get's threatened by Fatty McFattface, to have no meals for a week. 

Okay first they lock Harry up over night, make him serve dinner and now they are starving him?! 

Seriously wtf Dursleys?! 

Dumbledore, you Asshole, you knew this and still you let the boy suffer. 

They're in the zoo, Fatty McFattface Junior annoyes a snek and Harry starts talking to her. 

Suddenly, the snek nods and blinks. 

She understands him. 

That's so co- GET OUT OF THE WAY! 

Nerd version, seriously? 

SNAKES CAN'T BLINK! 

yeah but it's a kids movie- 

ScIeNtIFiCaLlY sPeAkInG, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR SNAKES TO BLINK BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE EYELIDS! SO THIS MOVIE IS FAKE! IT'S FAKE! AAHYGXSMDL 

Sorry about that. 

Harry and the snek have a nice little chat until Fatty McFattface Junior pushes him. 

Harry get's angry when suddenly, the window disappears and Fatty McFattface Junior falls into the snek's cage. 

She escapes, Dudley get's trapped inside the cage and Harry get's locked inside his little cupboard because they blame him. 

Next scene, we see Dudley posing in his new uniform and Harry has to get the post. 

*Gasp* there is a letter for him! But he's not allowed to read it. 

But Harry get's even more letters and Fatty McFattface destroyes them all. 

Until one sunday, hunderts of letters suddenly burst through the fireplace and fly around the whole house. 

Harry is super happy and tries to catch one of the letters instead of just picking up one from the ground. 

Idiot. 

They move to a place far away on a spooky island with exactly one house. 

It is stormy weather outside and Harry can't sleep. 

It's his birthday but of course nobody cares. 

Suddenly, Hagrid bursts the door and wakes up the Dursleys, who are scared as shit. 

Fatty McFattface has a fucking Shotgun pointed at Hagrid but he simply breaks it and BAMM! Vernon blasts a hole through the ceiling. 

One second earlier and Hagrid's brain would've been splattered all over the wall. 

Hagrid gives Harry a cake and tells him:

 "Yer a wizard Harry" 

-"A WoT?" 

"A wizard." 

-"Nah man, I'm just Harry" 

"Didn't you read the letters?" 

-"I tried to catch one but it didn't work" 

...

"Yer stupid Harry"

Hagrid finally gives Harry a letter. We find out, that Harry has been accepted to Hogwarts, a magical school for wizards and witches and that his parents were also at this school. 

Hagrid nearly stabs Fatty McFattface with a pink umbrella and transformes Fatty Junior into a pig. 

They go shopping in London. To find all the cool wizard equipment, they have to walk through a Pub, where all the peeps shake Harry's hand because he's so fame. 

Hagrid and Harry walk through a magical brick wall and we enter the Diagon Alley. 

A place full of magic shops and stuff. 

We see some owls and broomsticks, when Harry noticed that he's broKE and he needs da money. 

So they go to Gringotts. 

A magical bank, with goblins, where Harry finds out that he's a super rich bitch. 

They also get a small, mysterious package, which Hagrid has to bring to Dumbledore. 

Harry still needs a wand so he goes to Ollivanders, to buy one. 

Mr. Ollivander is an old creep but he knows, what he's doing.

He let's Harry try out some wands but they just blow up shit. Until, Mr. Ollivander takes out a wand and looks at it, looks at Harry, looks back at the wand. 

He talks some super mysterious stuff but still gives the magic stick to Harry. 

As soon as he touches it, holy music starts playing and Ollivander is all like

"Ohho wow! What a coincidence that the main ingredient for this wand is the same for the wand that killed your parents!" 

-"What?!" 

"Hey! Look! There's Hagrid! He has an owl for you!" 

-"Killed my parents, wha-what do you mean?!" 

"That would be 40 dollars" 

Hagrid and Harry eat good soup~ while Harry asks who has killed his parents. 

Hagrid doesn't want to speak about ist, because everyone feares the killer's name. 

His name is Bruno and one does not simply talk about Bruno. 

No his name is actually Voldemort

✨-FLASHBACK- ✨

Voldemort is a very evil man with very evil friends. And they did really bad things.

And he had many YouTube followers. A whole army, you could say. 

So one day, he tried to kill the Potter family. Mom and Dad died but he failed at killing Baby Harry, who got away with nothing but a scar. 

Lol what a noob. 

✨-END OF FLASHBACK-✨

Harry is shooketh. 

We're in Kings Cross Station, Hagrid gives Harry a ticket and disappears. 

He has to go to platform 9 3/4 but there is no such thing like this. 

Suddenly, he hears a Lady shout "c'mon 9 3/4 this way" 

We see a big family of redhairs, who all carry a trolley, similar to Harry's. 

 They start running through a wall and Harry can't belive it. So he asks the Lady. 

"Sorry, how do you do that?"

-"Just run! Easy peasy" 

"Ummm okay..." 

💥WHAM💥     *thump* 

-"Haha, gotcha!" 

"Rude" 

He runs through the wall and sees the Hogwarts express. 

A train, who brings all the students to Hogwarts. 

Next scene.

Harry get's to know Ron Weasley, one of the redhairs and together they eat all the candy from the trolley. 

Wow. You wouldn't think that the other kids want to eat something too do you? 

No, they all have to starve because of Harry fucking Potter. 

They watch a chocolate frog yeet himself out of the window and Harry get's a card with Dumbledore's face in it. 

They get interrupted by Hermione Granger. 

An "annoying nerd" who's a know-it-all. And she's kinda rude. 

When they finally arrive at Hogwarts, they get to know Professor McGonagall. 

She explains the rules and the four houses, who all have different colours and priorities.

1. Gryffindor: 

-red and gold

-bravery

2. Hufflepuff: 

-black and yellow

-kindness

3. Ravenclaw:

-blue and grey

-smart

4. Slytherin

-green and silver

-ambition

Every kid get's sorted into one of them and if they do something good, they get points and if they do something stupid, they loose points. 

Get it? 

McGonagall goes away and some blonde boy named Malfoy is bitching around and being rude to  Ron because he's poor and Malfoy is rich. And apparently, the Weasleys are "the wrong kind of wizards"

He want's to be friends with Harry but he rejects him, saying: "I can deside on my own, who is the wrong kind of wizards, thank you"

Ohh burn! 

So they finally enter the great hall with a magic ceiling and Dumbledore announces the rules: 

-Don't go the third floor unless you wanna die. "Hah! Guess what? I want to die anyway!" 

-Don't go into the forest. Unless you get detention. Then we'll send you in unsupervised. 

"Omg, Dumbledore, you're such a cRaCkHeAd! xD high five!"

 *Does high five with myself*  "...yeah 🥲👍"

So now, the sorting starts. The kids sit on a chair and a hat tells them in which house they belong.  

Hermione is a Gryffindor, Malfoy is in Slytherin, Ron is a Gryffindor too. When it's Harry's turn, he almost goes to Slytherin but he's a Gryffindor anyways. 

They have some food, we find out about Professor Snape who gives some serious Bad Guy vibes and a ghost shows the kids the inside of his neck. 

Yes, good times. 

They enter their common room, a cozy Tower, were they sleep and hang out in their free time. 

The next day, they have potions class with Professor Snape, who breaks into a speech about potions and spells, while wrapping his cloak around himself like a gothic burrito. 

Snape is an Asshole to Harry and is rude to Hermione. What a great start! 

While they're having dinner, Seamus blows up his eyebrows and the owls bring the mail. 

Neville get's a little ball who helps him remember stuff but it's pretty useless. 

 They learn how to fly with broomsticks, Neville hurts himself and looses his little ball. 

While he goes to the school hospital, Malfoy finds it and flies away, Harry follows him. 

When Malfoy throws the ball away, Harry is super speed and catches the ball. 

Okay I know, this is about Harry, but HOW FUCKING GOOD IS MALFOY AT THROWING?! 

I mean, He YEETS that ball at a speed which can barely be surpassed by a broom. 

Can we get a round of applause? 

Unfortunatly,  McGonagall sees him but instead expelling him, she introduces him to Oliver Wood and makes him a seeker. 

Seeker wtf? What is that? 

Do not worry, I gotchu! 

In the wizarding world, they have a sport called Quidditch, were they fly on broomsticks. 

-seven players: one seeker, three chasers, two beaters, one keeper 

-three kinds of balls: the Snitch, one Quaffle, two bludgers 

-two teams 

-three rings each team 

-the chasers try to throw the Quaffle through the rings from the opposite team to score points

-the keepers try to protect the rings

-the beaters use bats to yeet the bludgers at the other team to make it difficult

-the seeker tries to catch the snitch and end the game 

-the ones, who caught the snitch usually win because the snitch is worth 150 points

It's way more complex but I don't have all day. 

Harry worries, that he's not good enough but Hermione shows him that his father was also a talented seeker. 

The three kids get lost in the castle and find the forbidden corridor. 

But before they can go back, the cat from Filch, the grumpy caretaker, stops them. 

Ah yes, Gryffindor~. The house of glory and bravery- HOLY SHIT A CAT! FUCK RUN! 

They run through the corridor, open a door and hide there but get out pretty fast since a giant af three headed dog is behind the door. 

Hermione tells the boys that it's hiding something, but before they get another clever idea to get them killed, she goes to sleep. End of scene.

Harry and Wood practice for Quidditch. 

Wood explains the rules to Harry. 

Harry undestands and then he looks down to the bludgers and asks: 

"What are those?" 

-"They. Are. My Crocs" 

Haha comedy   ._. 

Next, we are in another class. They learn how to make things fly. 

The famous "It's Levi-O-sa, not Levios-A" scene happens and Seamus blows up his eyebrows again. 

Ron get's Hermione to cry by gossiping about her. 

It's Halloween and the kids die a happy caries death with all the sweets. 

Suddenly, Professor Quirrell (Guy with purple turban and a studder) comes in, screaming about a Troll in the dungeon. 

Dumbledore announces to keep calm an go back to the common rooms. 

- "But, Sir! The Slytherin common room is in the dungeon!" 

"OMG you act like I even care! Have fun dying LOL! Dumbledore out!" 

Harry and Ron go after Hermione because she can't know about the Troll. But on their way to the girls bathroom, where she has been crying, they find the Troll. 

They save her from the Troll and loose some housepoints but from this moment, Harry, Ron and Hermione are friends. 

The next day, Snape is SUSPICIOUS and Harry combines Sherlock Holmes Style, that Snape is the bad guy and wants, whatever the giant dog is guarding. 

Harry has his first Quidditch match, Hermione puts Snape on flames, because he was apparently cursing Harry's broom, Harry eats the snitch because he's mistaken it for a flying Ferrero Rocher and wins. Yay! 

The trio finds out about the dog's name -Fluffy- and some Dude called Nicholas Flamel. 

Time skip! 

It's Christmas mah dudes, Harry and Ron play wizard's chess, they get some presents and a magic cloak, who makes things invisible. 

So Harry uses it, to find out about Nicholas Flamel in the restricted area in the library. 

He finds a screaming book and runs away from Filch who asks: 

"Who's there? Show yourself!" 

Wait ... That reminds me of something... 

"ShOw YoUrSeLf!~" ❄️🎶

*Breaks into a musical song from the Frozen soundtrack* 

Harry escapes and runs into Snape pushing Quirrell against a wall and oh my lord they gay as fuck. 

What's their shipping name? 

Squirrell? 

Hazza P finds a room with a magical mirror, who shows him his parents and man, this scene is really depressing for a kids movie... 

Harry wants to show Ron the cool stuff he found, but the mirror shows Ron as super famous and popular and not Harry's parents. 

Harry is confusion until Dumbledore explains 

*Ähem* (just imagine an old man's voice) 

"Hazza, mah boi this mirror shows, what you wish most for. But doncha get addicted, cuz that's not healthy. Don't do drugs, kids! I shall hide the mirror so ya can't stare at ur parents like a freak." 

"But Sir, I love my parents!" 

"Yes and I don't wear pants, so that's the tea. Ha, Bye!" 

"What the fuck?" 

"Fresh-D out!" 

A few months have passed, Neville is getting bullied and Hermione finds out about Nicholas Flamel. 

He's a smart Dude who invented the philosopher's stone to be immortal. 

The kids scurr over to Hagrid who breads out a dragon, blondie Malfoy get's them into detention in the forbidden forest. 

"I thought ist was forbidden-!" 

"Shut up! I do, what I want!" 

So they go into the forest, blondie runs away cuz he's a pussy and Harry sees a dead unicorn, who got killed by some spooky ghost. 

Hazza P get's saved by a Horse-guy, end of scene. 

So basically, Voldemort is coming back and coming for Harry. 

Aww man, you better watch out, you better WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!~ 

A few days after, they find out that they can get past Fluffy by playing him some lullabies, preferably Heavy Metal. 

So just to clear things up: 

They find out about Fluffy - thanks to Hagrid. 

They find out about Nicholas Flamel - ThAnKs To HaGrId

They find out about the song - THANKS TO HAGRID! 

Seriously, this guy is so incompetent. 

The kids make a plan to steal the stone before Snape can do anything. Because he's eViL. 

AND HE STAYS EVIL! 

So Hermione kills Neville (JK), they get past Fluffy, Hermione uses some weed killer, they catch a key and play chess. 

Hazza P has to find the stone by himself because he's ThE mAiN cHaRaCtEr and we find out that it wasn't Snape, it was his Boyfriend: Quirrell

*Inhale* 

PLOTTWIST! 

Btw, Voldemort is on the back of Quirrell's head.

Harry get's the stone, defeats Voldemort and kinda dies. 

Dumbledore: "Thanks Harry, you saved Hogwarts! You win the house trophy!" 

Harry: "Wow! Thank you, Professor! I feel honore-"

Dumbledore: "Fuck off you lil shit! I have holidays!" 

The. End.

Damm! That was hard, making this as short as possible since I'm a huge Potterhead and would rather explainin every single detail. Hope I could make things clear and... yeah. 

This movie get's a gothic burrito out of a Fresh-D