Welcome to Captain America

We start off with long and dramatic logos with spooky wind howling  

Some Dudes from Washington arrive at the perfect honeymoon location: A snowy desert

Another Dude tells them about some Russians and they ✨found something ✨ and it is a plane, covered in snow. 

They use a lightsaber or whatever to enter the plane. And it's all spooky and dark. Marvel missed their chance for a jumpscare there. 

One of the Dudes discovers an ice cube and is shooketh. Because a red, white and blue shield is  frozen in there. 

DRAMATIC TIME CHANGE! 

We're in Tønsberg, Norway on March 1942. Someone runs to a... castle? Church? Idk what it is. 

The man locks the door and shouts at an old man about "they're coming!"

 *Gasp!* who will it be? It is of course, the bad guy with his evil clique. And he kills the first man by basically throwing the door -"FBI, OPEN UP!" style- at him. 

Then, a fancy car with a fancy little octopus -sign enter the scene and a man with fancy shoes steps out of the car. 

Some soliders try to open a coffin made out of rocks. The main bad guy enteres dramatically and he has a thick german accent. That explains his name: Schmidt. A name, so gruesome, making grown men shiver.

 "S c h m i d t "~  truly evil. 

He talks to the old man like: 

"You hid it well" 

"Hide? What are you talking about?-" 

" Sis is really interesting" 

"Wha-"

"If you say, it is not sere, sen why have you made such a drama about it?"

"Drama? What drama?" 

" Mr. Schnitzel! Hold my hat!" 

And he pushes the coffin open and we see a ~spooky, scary sceleton ~ with a sword and a blue, misterious cube in his hands. 

Schmidt takes it and starts brabbling about Odin and a Tesseract and then he drops it. 

The guy I called Mr. Schnitzel looks at him like: "Schmidt you fucking morron! Sis is extremly  valuable! Now you dropped it! Sis is why you're not allowed to have a pet!" 

But it's okay, because the cube wasn't real. Schmidt goes over to the old man and threatens him, that he will kill the whole village, if he dosen't tell him, where the real Tesseract is. 

He suddenly turns and looks at a tree, engraved in the wall. He says:" Yggdrasil" and I thought he had a choke or something. 

But it's the name of the tree. A mAgIcAL tReE! Who is the tree of the world. 

Schmidt presses a small button on the tree and he takes out a box with a glowing, blue light inside. 

He tells Mr. Schnitzel to open fire and he goes: "Jawohl!" and in the subtitle it just says: "Speaking German" ... Wow. You're useless. 

But LUCKILY! I speak german so I will quickly translate: *dramatic inhale* ...it's basically just a way of saying "yes Sir" Not so special, you didn't miss anything. 

Schmidt shoots the old man and we see the fancy little octopus with small droplets of blood. #Aestethic. 

Now I will just take some foreshadowing. The movie takes place in the second world war. And Schmidt is part of Hitler's organisation called Hydra. 

The Hydra is a magical creature with one body but everytime you cut of one head, two will grow back. The fancy little octopus ist supposed to represent Hydra. 

But it looks nothing like a Hydra. It just looks like an octopus. ... 

Hail octopus! 

Time skip! We're not in Tønsberg anymore and we see the main character: Steve. 

A small, blonde boi who looks like if there's a strong gust of wind, he will fly away. 

And he wants to go to the army and kill some bad guys. But they won't let him, because even a five year old could snap him in half. And he's allergic to literally everything. 

Steve is depresso and goes to the movies. But there is a massive Asshole who is a disrespectful little Shit. Steve tells him to shut the fuck up but the man beats him up. 

Suddenly, a solider saves Steve and we get to know his best friend: Bucky. He always protects Steve because Steve is that one small but angry kid from the friend group and always picks fights. He has high morals okay? 

But Bucky has to go to war so they wanna have a good time and visit a convention about "the future" and there they have a Date~ with two women, who never make an appearence again. 

There is a show were Howard Stark (Stark! *gasp!* Tony STARK! oMg IrOnMaN!) presents a flying car. 

But Steve dosen't give a fuck because he wAnTs tO Go TO THE ARMY! But he's to small and Bucky basically has to babysit him all the time because he wants to prove himself. 

Then they say a sad goodbye with a man- hug  and Steve is alone again. 

He tries to smuggle his way into the army again, but when he gets examined by the doctor, a solider suddenly enteres. 

Oh. Shit. They caught you. Now you're going to jail. You're a criminal Steve! A CRIMINAL! 

But No. He dosen't go to jail. A doctor called Abraham from Germany talks to him.

 *Gasp* Germany! He's an enemy! KILL HIM! 

But No. He dosen't get killed. He's one of the good guys and he wants to give Steve a chance to fight in the war. 

Change of scenery. We are in Schmidt's evil mountain with his evil scientist in his evil lab doing evil scientist things. 

Schmidt takes out the cube. They want to use it's magic powers to improvise their weapons and machines. And it works. *Slow clap* 

We're back with Steve and he's finally in the army. We get to know agent Peggy Carter. She's the supervisor for their group. Some fuckboy tries to flirt with her and she kicks his ass. "You go girl!"

Then colonel Phillips gives a pep talk, where we find out, that one of them gets to be part of an experiment to become a super solider. Meanwhile we see Steve struggling with the training and getting bullied by the others. 

Through the scene we see a flag but no one can get it, but Steve is a smart little Cookie and simply thinks out of the box and then he gets the flag and gets to drive in a car with agent Carter. 

 The colonel has doubts about Doctor Abraham's choice of making Steve the super solider so to test the solides he throws a fake grenade and Steve is the only one, who throws himself onto the grenade to sacrifice himself.

The Doctor and Steve have a little chat. And the Doctor tells Steve about a serum he made, which makes people strong and powerful. But it also makes the good great... and the bad get's worse.  And Schmidt took the serum so now he's super powerful but also super evil. 

The next day, Steve and Peggy drive to the secret lab, he lays down on a machine, some doctors and rich Dudes talk about Sandwiches and Mr. Stark as the genius he is, of course cannot miss this. 

They start the serum infusion, the machine closes, a lot of dramatic steam and then, they open the machine. 

And holy moly Steve be lookin' like a snacc. Peggy stands infront of Steve and she's all like: *heavy breathing* "the left boob. Let. Me. Touch. iiiittt" 

But a man stands a little away from the others and he looks conspiciuously inconspiciuous to his leeeft and to his rrright. *Inhale*: THAT'S SUSPICIOUS! 

And I was right; he blows up a grenade, steals the serum, shoots the Abraham Doctor and runs away. 

Peggy Carter, the badass Queen she is, shoots the man's sidekick - WHILE HE'S DRIVING AWAY FROM HER- in the HEAD! Now if that's not talent, I don't know what is. 

Steve follows the car. Barefoot, I have to add. The car crashes, the evil guy threatens to kill a child by throwing it into the water. But he can swim and he tells Steve to "Go get him!" 

Somebody get this kid a medal for being able to help themselves and not wasting Superheroe's times because they nEeD tO gEt sAvEd! 

The sussy guy tries to escape with his submarine but Steve yeets him out of it and breaks the serum.  

The guy dies, because he suddenly get's rabies and he mustn't get captured by the enemy. His last words are "Hail Hydra" 

*Annoyed eyeroll* " We talked about this! It's "Hail Octopus!" Octopus! Get it right dipshit! 

We're back in the evil mountain where some inspectors or whatever they are talk to Schmidt about Hitler and that he get's impatient because Schmidt dosen't produce enough weapons. One of the inspectors says his villain name: Red Skull. 

Now that's a good name! 

Schmidt turns around like: " what have you called me, you little flblgblpwel *angry german noises* I shoot u!" 

And he does. With the new, powerful weapon, he let's the inspectors reduce to atoms. And it looks ✨ fabulous ✨ 

We find out that Schmidt wants to overthrow Hitler and take over the world with Hydra. And now, with the power of the Tesseract, he can finally do it.

Steve is sad, the colonel want's to attack Hydra without Steve, because he's an experiment now. One Dude says something like: "I can make you famos you're going to be a STAR! And they will call you... Captain America... DAMN I'M GOOD! "  

So he becomes a promoter to buy bullets and shit to kill the Nazis. He does that by basically becoming a disney princess. Because he has weird costume, sings and dances and becomes a  Hollywood Star. 

But he's sad again because he's just the dancing monkey of the press but he really wants to shoot some bad guys. 

Then he finds out that Bucky has been captured by Hydra so he steals a helmet and flies off to save him. 

He breaks in, all by himself, which ist super unrealistic but who am I to judge? 

He frees the other prisoners, they start a riot and escape while Steve still looks for Bucky. 

Their attempt to escape isn't unnoticed because Schmidt looks at his monitores and goes:" What is sis? Sey are not supposed to do sat! Who do sey sink sey are?! I must blow everysing up!" 

Steve finds Bucky, he's fine but still a little hungover. They try to find a way out while Bucky asks him: " What happened? Where were you? Did you get hurt? Goddamnit Steve! I can't leave you alone for two seconds without you doing something stupid?!" 

The time runs out, the facility blows up one by one, and Schmidt walks over to Steve in a dramatic way and goes all:" My time has come! Prepare for my villain speech! And let sese explosions make me look fantastically evil! Doctor! Hold my suitcase filled with my evil, german stuff!"  

He reveals his real face and he looks like Lord Voldemort with a sunburn. One of the side effects of the serum, because it wasn't ready to be used. 

Then, he and the doctor leave with the elevator. Bucky and Steve try to escape, but their way get's destroyed and Bucky won't leave without Steve, so he jumps and- 

End of scene. 

Back at the army, they think, Steve is dead and it's "eNtIrElY yOuR fAuLt Mrs. Carter! Because of you, we have lost America's Ass!" 

But that's not true. America's Ass is alive and so are the other prisoners. They have a dramatic walk moment and everyone is happy. 

So you're telling me, that they walked all the way back to wherever the army shelter is? Alone. Probably hurt. And nobody from Hydra saw them? Bullshit.

Cap is supposed to get a medal of honor. Hey look, Stan Lee cameo! 

But Steve is in London. In a super secret organisation, where they find out more about the war, make some weapons, eat fish 'n chips and all that Shit. 

Steve forms a team, they drink some beer, Steve is visibly in loOove~ with Peggy Carter. 

Some stupid blonde bitch kisses Steve, Peggy is jelly. Stark shows Steve his new weapons. Steve finds a Shield and Peggy shoots at him. (Damn she must be angry at him) 

Captain America in action, they finally kill some bad guys and Voldy-sunburn is angry. 

They have a mission on a train to kidnapp Schmidt's Doctor. They do that, but... *starts sobbing* "at what cost?" *starts to cry uncontrollably* "Bucky dies!" 

Steve is depresso espresso. Then he drives with his motorcycle, trying to attack Hydra in a final boss battle. They capture him. Red Skull punches him but Captain America was just a distraction and the army attacks Hydra. 

They all shoot at eachother, Peggy get's to kill someone too. Red Skull runs away while shooting at Captain America. And no one. NO ONE! Shoots at his legs! They just aim at the shield.

 These villains are fucking retarded. 

Steve and Peggy kiss. Steve jumps on Voldy-sunburn's plane- spaceship-thinngy. He finds some atom boms and kills some Nazis. 

Red Skull and Captain America fight the ultimate Showdown and they both nearly die. Just nearly. Jus- just a little bit, y'know? 

Red Skull get's transported into space and dies. The Tesseract get's lost. Steve can't land because of the bombs. 

So he calls Peggy and tells her, that he will sacrifice himself and crash the plane into the ocean. 

He "dies", she cries. The war is won. Howard Stark finds the Tesseract. Happy end. 

We're back in our time. Basically, Steve survived the crash but he got frozen like a chicken nugget until these Russians found the plane. 

He finally wakes up but something fishy is going on. So he runs away from the "recovery room" which is actually a giant building. 

He get's outside and is super confused, because modern city and stuff. 

Nick Fury, badass guy with an eyepatch, explaines that Steve was frozen for 70 years. 

Se end. 

*With a german accent:* I sink, sat sis movie was really good and dramatic. It also has foreshadowing for se Avengers movie, which is really interesting. 

This movie gets a fancy little octopus out of a blue cube