Dick picked up a pile of notebooks from the side of Barbara's bed. All of them were black, small, and kept perfectly. Each one had the year printed on the cover in gold. He bit his lip, flipping through one from 1996. Even then, when she would have been six or seven, Barbara's handwriting was perfectly curved and small and neat. The book was filled with drawings of Batman and police officers. And every single entry was ended with 'love, always, babs.'

The next one he went through was from 2000. The year they met. She was eleven, he was ten. He grinned when he saw the page where she'd drawn him, along with the words 'my best friend' and an arrow pointing to the drawing. A few months into the book, she started getting all gushy and romantic over the Boy Wonder. Dick could still remember his jealousy, despite being the person she was in love with. 

In December of that year, she'd written about how he'd asked her to marry him under the mistletoe. "Oh, Dick." She had laughed, "We're too young. Ask me again when I'm eighteen, and then I'll say yes."

In 2001, he cringed when he read the August pages. Barbara had found out about his 'night job' and refused to talk to him for almost a whole month. One whole god damn month. "Stupid, Grayson." Dick muttered to himself. 

2008. The year he'd taken her to his prom. Since Babs had gone to college when she was 15, she didn't have the chance to go to her own. He laughed when he saw that she'd glued the note he'd asked her out with into her book. 

A photocopy of her diploma was also stuck in there, as well as Dick's high school one. It was only fair. He would've repeated his senior year if she hadn't tutored him. He smirked. He'd picked her up and spun her around and told her he would marry her as soon as he turned eighteen. She'd laughed again. 

But through 2009, he realized she never had her hopes up. She saw everything going on between Bruce and Dick. She had even written, on the day he'd announced he was going to move into Titans Tower, that 'I don't think he'll come back, no matter what he says. He has his friends there, and that alien princess. I've seen the way he looks at her. It's much more than raging teenage hormones.'

By July that year, she'd almost completely stopped writing about Dick entirely. There were photos of her and some GCPD officer, Jason Bard. And then Jason Todd, the new robin. He was in there a lot, even though she'd apparently despised that Bruce replaced Dick at first. 

In 2010, she stopped writing for two months during February and March. She'd left her diary at home when the Joker shot her. When she got home, she barely wrote anything. The first week was only one or two sentences a day. 'In a wheelchair. No legs.' That was the first day. 'Dick wasn't at the hospital.' That was the next. 

Barbara ranted about her therapy. She'd split whiskey on the pages quite a few times. She said that the only people she'd talk to were Dinah, her father, and Bruce. The only mention of Dick was when she called him 'the boy blunder.' She called Jason Robin. She didn't even acknowledge Dick as Nightwing. Until Jason died, that was. 

April 28, 2010. She'd simply written: 'Jason's dead.'

She had written about Bruce being violent and angry. She'd written about Alfred and Bruce's fights. She wrote about her Dad's drinking and her brother's prison sentence. Then Dick was mentioned. 

The night that he'd come back to her. One night, only. How they'd made love. He remembered waking up briefly that night and seeing her writing down something. He remembered the stab of guilt. How he wished he could've torn up the wedding invite instead of watching her cry and scream as she forced him out of her apartment. 

She wrote about that night. It took up three pages. It was filled with so much hate that Dick wasn't sure it was even written by Barbara. The pages were stained with tears, and the ink bled in some places. He wanted to hit himself for all the pain he'd caused her. 

But soon, things returned to normal. Short entries about Tim's training or the Birds of Prey or Ollie and Dinah's wedding. 

2011. January first. She'd written one sentence. 'Dick came back.'

The next day, she'd gone over the details. About how he'd knocked on her door at eleven PM. How she'd yelled at him and then hugged him and then he cried and she cried too. They kissed at midnight. But that was it. He'd slept on the couch. Barbara hadn't trusted him. She didn't trust him until she and Kory had eaten lunch together. Dick didn't know about that. 

By July, photos of Dick at the circus and cutting his birthday cake and kissing her with icing on his lips were taking up most of the pages. She'd written about their fights. And their one year anniversary in 2012. Then she wrote about how he'd asked her to marry him. "Right before the end of the world. Funnily enough, it feels like the beginning to me."

She written a page during an anxiety attack that she'd had at the hospital when Dick was dying. Almost as if she was writing to him. Like she was begging him to stay alive. 

Two weeks of the pages were empty, until she'd glued in the note he'd left her. About how he'd always swing back. A month was missing until she wrote about Jason returning from the dead, and acted like nothing had happened.

Barbara didn't write the same after that. She seemed more formal and controlled. She wrote about gaining the use of her legs back, but she almost seemed sad about it. She wrote about how Dick had moved back to Bludhaven and how she'd moved to Burnside. 

She kept up her cold entries until March 10, 2013. She had managed to write 'he's dead' in shaky writing, and the page was soaked in alcohol. She'd glued in her eulogy and written about how stupid she was for not going after him. For not telling him she loved him and she was sorry and how she would do anything to get him back. 

In August, she'd angrily written about his appearance. How he'd lied, again. Manipulated her, again. Hurt her, again. 

2014. She'd glued in Dick and Shawn's wedding invite. She had written about how she was supposed to be Dick's best maid. How she was supposed to give a speech about how his love for Shawn could never be broken. "I can't write that. If I do, it means I give in. I know it's selfish, but once, just once, I want him to love me. I can't give him away to someone who'll never know him like I do." 

Dick remembered how she'd delivered a cold, emotionless speech that he was pretty sure she'd just found online. She'd then downed four shots and stumbled out of the Wayne Ballroom crying. He was so stupid for not going after her. He let her cry in a bathroom for the rest of the night with a bottle of wine in hand. 

She'd stopped writing frequently after that. She glued in a picture of Ximena, Dick and Shawn's daughter. They had the audacity to make her the godmother. "Of course, I have to babysit her whenever they fight. Which is basically every freaking day. And I have to put on a happy face and let Dick go on about how much he loves her."

Now, looking back, Dick could see how he'd hurt her. How he'd slowly been killing her. Barbara's next entry was in the 2015 diary. She'd glued in her dad's death certificate, and a photograph of him holding her the day she was born. She didn't write at all for almost six months. Until she wrote about Dick and Shawn's divorce, of course.

'He's so stupid. He had someone to swing back to. And now he's giving that up. Last night, he showed up at my door crying. He was drunk and he tried to make a move on me. Apparently Shawn was going to get custody of Ximena.'

2016. 'Dick and Shawn are moving back in with each other. At least I'll have my couch back. But I'm not sure that's a fair trade when it means I'm losing him again.' Dick wasn't sure if he wanted to keep on reading. It was painful. Especially in the July pages. 'Shawn left last night. She ran off to California with Ximena and some millionaire artist guy. Dick's heartbroken. But at this point, I don't know if I'm surprised.' Two pages were ripped out at the end of 2016.

2017. January. Dick gulped before he opened up the book. 'Booked the trip. As long as Dick and Bruce don't find out, I should be good to go.'

'Alfred knows about the trip. He doesn't know about my plan, though. Still going ahead.'

'Dick and I went on a date last night. He said he loves me. But it won't last. It never does. Plan still happening.'

'Damian stayed over last night. Dick and I were supposed to babysit him. Damian basically babysat Dick while I went out drinking. I hope he doesn't notice.'

The book stopped on the 24. The last page was her note. The note. The one the police had shown Dick after her body was pulled from the Gotham river. 

'I guess if you're reading this, my plan worked. Don't be sad, please. Look...you can't live in a place like Gotham and not have these feelings. Dick, you were always too fast to notice. I understand. You move forward instead of looking back. I couldn't be like you. Bruce, you're always so strong. You see the end of the tunnel. I can't. I never could. Jason, you've been to hell and back. I think you can understand better than anyone why I did this. 

'Tim, please use this as an example. Make sure all of the teen titans don't end up like me. And Dami...my canary needs a new home. Not Dinah, I mean Oracle. You know, the bird in my apartment? Please understand that no one could've changed my mind. My father's dead, I killed my own brother, and...and Dick, I know about you and Kory. I'm not mad. Make her as happy as you made me. 

'Love, always, Babs.'