By 3AM_Imaginator
Reviewer: daniellie802

Title: 9/10
Writing style and flow: 6/10
Pace: 6/10
Grammar: 3/15
C. Development: 5/15
Hook: 6/10
Book cover and summary: 8/10
Originality: 4/5
Plot: 12/15
Total: 59/100

The summary is very intriguing. I can feel the emotion inside it ("No!"). The summary questions the readers themselves. It is a high-quality summary.

The plot is quite clear to me: about a kind of a forced marriage. About a guy agreeing to marry a wishful girl but with a financial motive. The plot seems capable of bringing the story forward.

Character development does exist. But, unfortunately, you deliver it in arguably the most unattractive way possible.

The direct way. For example:
"George Hudson Martin is a retired Army officer enjoying his life to fullest with his daughter Alyssa. He is a fit man who can take care of himself but is lazy and loves to be pampered by his loving daughter."

In just one paragraph, we know about George: Enjoying his life, fit, lazy. But what actions does he do to show it?

You can change it to a paragraph describing his actions, which in turn describes his characteristics.

For example:
"George Hudson Martin glances at his Army medal collection. The memory of him leading his battalion echoes inside his head. He turns his attention back to his newspaper while sipping his tea."

"The newspaper reads, "Young athlete John J.Johnson wins silver." George mutters mockingly, "Ha! I can run twice as fast as these kids!""

"He sips his tea again. The cup is now empty. Though still thirsty, he decides not to make some more. His daughter will lovingly do that for him."

Because that kind of character development is put at the start of the story, it really weakens the hook. I don't see anything that really intrigues me in the first chapter. I can see the hook in the fourth chapter, during the "gimme your stocks" scene. By then, in my opinion, it is too late to attract your readers. Your hook should be put as early as possible.

But it really is the grammar that weakens this story considerably. There are various grammatical and punctuation mistakes, but the most consistent ones are the lack of commas and periods.

For example:
"Alyssa looks disappointed and replies "I don't need a man to be happy Dad I am fine all alone""

Correction:
"Alyssa looks disappointed and replies, "I don't need a man to be happy, Dad. I am fine all alone."

I also notice the inconsistency in the second chapter. Initially, you use past tense (Was her fav place) but then switch to present tense. It would be fine if the parts that use past tense happened in the past, but evidently this is not the case.

In conclusion, the story possesses a great, emotional summary and a classic, identifiable plot. However, the poor character development and grammar weaken the story. It's hook is weak and late.

Thank you for trusting Grand Review 2020 to review your story. We sincerely hope this review will be useful.