Paul and Linda

Paul's Night

Paul lay on the bed hours after John left, his mind a whirl.

What with John turning up, then Clare and now finding out that one doesn't know the other but they are having a 'relationship.'

Clare with a bearded 'strange weirdo' named Cappy- being John and John with a feisty girl nicknamed guitar girl- which is Clare and they are living feet apart to boot.

The one thing that he does know is that Linda had a hand in both of their accommodation, what the hell is she up to. Paul's brain hurt just trying to make any sort of head or tail out of the whole debacle.

Linda finally walked out of the bathroom after a wonderful relaxing steaming hot shower. Dressed for bed in warm pale pink pyjamas and soft fluffy bed socks.

She was beat, the kids, the animals and chores wearing her weary.

"Linda?" Paul beckoned her as she wandered to the dresser to find her hairbrush.

"No Paul I'm so tired, not tonight"

"What?!"

"I have a headache Paul. Just no, ok"

"I don't want to do that!"

"Why not!"

"Linda, you should be pleased, I said I don't want to do that"

"But you never not want to do that, did you really do something with Clare the other night!?" Linda was baiting him but Paul never noticed, she enjoyed leading him about on a merry chase. Beats vacuuming and other boring chores.

"NOooo !" Paul sat up in bed ready to defend his honour.

"I'm joking Paul. Clare would never want you"

"Why not! I've still got it"

"So, you do want Clare!" Linda flopped on the bed holding hands to her eyes, shaking her head slowly for effect "What's wrong with me Paul, don't I please you anymore?"

And the Oscar goes to

Linda McCartney

For How to Wind up your Husband and Other Seriously Cool Feats.

Written and Directed by

Linda McCartney!

"Course you do darling" Paul rubbed her back soothingly and she started getting turned on by the contact.

"Oh Paul, make love to me now" She launched and he ducked.

"I was trying to have a conversation!"

"What?"

"I said one word- Linda- and now there's all this" Paul referred to the last few minutes of banter, making Linda cackle.

"What do you want to talk about Paul. Then we muck around. Deal?"

"Deal!" Paul lay back on the bed trying to regather his thoughts and verbalise what John had told him that afternoon. "Ok so-"

"Hold on, I need a drink of water, I'll be back in a bit"

"Hurry up!"

"Yea, Yea. Don't get your knickers knotted" Linda retorted as she descended to the kitchen, arriving back in the room minutes later. "ok what do you want"

"Right, finally!.... Soooo, John's turned up, which you organised and Clare is visiting, which you organised. Do you see a pattern"?

"Well there's tartan on the doona but we are in Scotland"

"Linda! You put Clare and John in those cottages metres apart"

"And...The problem is?"

"They don't know each other!"

"Yes they do, he met Clare in '67 at Cass's place in Mayfair remember. I'm sure you met her too, for the Pepper album previews" Linda took a sip of the drink and set the glass as far back as she could in the corner of her bedside table, so that one of the children didn't spill it.

"Why?"

"Well... Stella dropped a whole glass of milk last week, what a bloody mess that was and you know what milk's like to get out of carpet and fabric, it still stinks a bit"

"What?!"

"You asked about my pushing the glass of water to the back corner, didn't you?"

"Nooo I didn't!"

"Oh"

"Why did you put them in adjoining cottages"

"I didn't"

"Well who did!?" Paul was flustered by Linda's hijacking of the conversation but he needed to get this out, now!

"Welllll, Clare walked into her cottage and John walked into his, thus, they put themselves in their cottages"

"You're just being obstinate now"

"It's true, they put themsel-"

"Linda... John and Clare had sex last night"

"Oh, are you jealous, Paul?"

"Nooooo!"

"Well what's the problem then?"

"Because.... Fake bearded weirdo guy had sex with guitar girl or whatever John calls her. Not John and Clare per se"

"Oh! Why didn't you just say that then"

"I was trying to!" Paul flopped back down on the bed dejectedly.

"Hold on!" Linda frowned and Paul sat back up "How did guitar girl sorry..." Linda shook her head to straighten out the aliases "How did Clare not know John was... John"

"In the dark"

"Pardon? You don't know?"

"NO! they did it in the dark" Paul crept fingers up Linda's arm, she brushed him away, she was intrigued now "Pitch Black, under the covers, noir"

"What about when he kissed her the other night?"

"When was thaaat!?"

"At the beach after you and him had one too many joints. You shouldn't have let him drive you know, he could have killed himself and what would the papers say" Linda turns a bit to Paul and deepens her voice like a newsreader on telly " 'John Lennon killed by too many reefers given by old bandmate, Paul McCartney' No, that was totally irresponsible of you Paul!"

"Old"

"Out of all of that you get the word old"

"You referenced me to the word old, of course I'm going to pick it out!" Paul gave up trying to understand Linda there and then, he'd try again tomorrow. I'm not that old he thought, pinching his still baby-faced cheeks.

"Anyway grandfather. How, did she not know from the beach and from the horizontal dancing?!"

"The beard, geez Linda keep up. She has kept her eyes closed every snog and tongue-y and been in total darkness when they you know-ed"

"To each his own" Linda piped.

"She doesn't know he is him, Linda, it's gonna end in tears"

"Maybe she likes the dark or thought he might look worse under the beard. You can quote me to John on that by the way"

"No, he said she acted like she wasn't fussed if he didn't remove the fake beard but it's a moot point, isn't it, if she finds out John Lennon, and not some loser muso from Lancashire, has been 'you know-ing' her I'm pretty certain she's going to think this is a big nasty prank and go mental"

"No"

"Why not?"

"Well he doesn't know who she is either, right?"

"'Suppose not, but it's not equal on the scale is it" Paul picked his hands up holding them in front of him, weighing the twos secrets and identities, deciding the outcome. One hand smashed back to the sheets"Yea she's gonna definitely kill him or you or both"

Linda had a think. This was good, bad and sort of ok in her books-

John seemed upset, lost with his lot in life currently and trying to regain some sense of himself again, a new lady would bring him fun and happiness..

and...

Clare, she was a hard one, this whole holiday was because she had, what she termed as 'writers block' but both Linda and Cass had thought the same, something else was blocking her mojo. What with the weight loss and being lost in LA, maybe she was adrift in life.

John could be an anchor for her or a big concrete weight, but both could ultimately sink Clare, she mused worriedly, a little bit of trepidation slipping into her plans.

They were a match for sure Clare's always been quick-witted, smart, creative, musical and could give a bloody good tongue lashing and well Johns, John, don't really need to explain him but all of the above would cover his attributes too.

But what's the harm really; Summer romance, well it's not summer but any-hoot, holiday romance happens all the time.

Yea but! The two holiday romance people usually know the others identity especially if they had met them before....

Stuff it Linda thought, I'll worry bout it tomorrow.

"Paul about that deal......"

Nothing.

Not a noise.

Linda's reminder of the cheeky deal was not met with arms surrounding her or words to entice.

Linda turned to look at him, he was sound asleep, oh well not tonight then.

She had another sip of water.