i feel like this is something that's been long overdue to be honest, but never once said or mentioned. in january, it will soon be 5 years since i joined wattpad. i actually stumbled upon it while looking for anime fan fictions to read and that's how i entered its amazing world.

everyone wrote stories on here. everyone did. everyone could. no matter their native language, their grammar, their story titles, their covers or their unusual plots. wattpad was a safe space for everyone to write and share their stories. in return, they'd get readers who would comment on their works. all of the comments were good ones, the kind that praised the author, but there were also constructive criticism ones, which shaped the writer and helped them improve.

i decided to make my own profile. writing was something i really loved doing in my native language at the time, so might as well give it a try in english, since it would help me improve my language skills. i remember making my profile and straight up writing my own anime fan fiction. i had no idea how the website worked at the time. i wasn't familiar with its mechanics, but somehow i made it work. i actually can't remember the title of my first fan fic, but i do remember that it was a naruto fan fic. i think the love interest was sasuke, because a friend of mine at the time had a pretty big crush on him. i didn't have a cover, nor had i written a proper summary or inserted any tags for the matter, but i didn't care. i straight up got to writing. i didn't have a plot, i hadn't planned out my characters, i hadn't mind mapped the story. . .all i had done, was get straight to it. i remember writing and writing and writing, only for the first few chapters to disappear lol. that was disappointing tbh and i was way too lazy to rewrite them again, so the book basically started with sasuke and naruto fighting and naruto going all tailed beast mode and sasuke going all curse mark mode.

yup.

the main character's name was alex evans. like out of all the names i could have picked-

anyway, alex turned out to be my dream ego at the time, except that she just lived in the naruto universe with all the other ninjas and such. i think she was a bit of a mary sue tbh, because she was good at taijutsu and had her own kekkai genkai which was kind of similar to sharingan, but was something else entirely at the same time. i think at some point i even gave her a curse mark and was planning to give her a tailed beast.

where was i even going with this? i have no idea to be honest.

people somehow loved it and found it hilarious that i wrote that kakashi got stabbed in his tummy, instead of his abdomen/stomach area. i was happy to see that people were enjoying it, it was nice to read the comments and respond. but what i enjoyed more was how i still kept going for myself, because i wanted to write and because i was writing what i wanted to write.

i continued writing other fan fictions as well. from what i can remember, a diabolik lovers one, where the main character was sisters with yui. well, tbh this one had a good plot. again, didn't really plan just straight up started writing with no care whatsoever. i had no idea where the story was going, but i did like the occasional appearance of this lady in my main character's dreams and how she always warned her about things.

i think my following one was another sasuke fan fiction, except it was high school themed? why? again, do not know.

i feel like this one had its funny moments. i remember gathering the characters for a party and they were playing spin the bottle or something and naruto spins it, but it lands on him and the window and ino's like spin it again and naruto's like: nO, the bottle has SPOKEN. i am KISSING that moon!

lol

either way, afterwards, i started working on my first naruto ff once again and started editing and planning a bit. i had such big plans for that story and i remember incorporating so many words i had recently learned at the time and feeling proud of myself haha. i worked hard on the cover and finally gave alex a faceclaim. well, eventually, i think i deleted the story after a bit, even though it was doing pretty good as a book. i actually had so many other fan fics in my drafts which i was planning on writing, but none of them got to see the light of day hahaha. i gradually deleted the rest of the books and started writing my first kpop related one.

fragile hearts.

a story about a depressed girl, who is confused over her feelings towards her friend.

i didn't really expect anyone to read that, however i was surprised to see the amount of people reading, voting and commenting. well, back then, it was probably only like 3-4 people, but i felt happy! quntity doesn't matter, as long as people are enjoying my works.

looking back now, there are so many things i could've done better with that book. there was a time period when i wanted to delete the book completely, but i kept it, only because it had helped out so many people. and i'm glad. the topics mentioned in fragile hearts, are topics i've dealt with myself and i guess that's why it was easy for me to portray them. the book honestly started as a way for me to vent out my own feelings, thoughts and experiences from depression, bullying and self harm, but i also wanted to give a message. a message to everyone who is going through what i was going through at the time. and i'm glad to have helped so many people.

my second kpop related book, attention. wow, i remember writing this book in my drafts. once again, no plot, no mind map, no planning. i just went with the flow. i didn't expect people to read it either, but to this day, it is one of my most popular books and i am so thankful to everyone who read it. thank you all so much❤️

i was writing that book, because i felt inspired from charlie puth's attention. that song became a muse to the birth of attention. i had so much fun writing it. at first, the initial idea was just jennie trying to seduce jisoo into getting back together, but i altered it a bit more and gave the two a backstory, a relationship, added a lil bit of chaelisa to throw you all off and eventually gave it a message as well. second chances. i've never been in a relationship in my life, let's be honest here lol, but i do play doctor love when my friends need it. i help them out with their relationship problems, so i guess that's where i got the idea of second chances haha.

people still love that book so much and it just makes me so happy to see that.

afterwards, we got my first jungkook fan fiction. honestly loved that book. loved the plot, the summary, the characters like damn, idk what shit i was on back then, but it must've been some guuuuud shit hahah jk

it did get a lil bit of attention, but then because i felt insecure and kept comparing myself to other writers, i would update rarely, continuously publish and unpublish the same story and edit it and it was exhausting. called it quits after awhile and held it in my drafts, before working on it once again. i tried harder and it turned out better. i remember staying up late so many nights just to work on it and write the new chapters. i expected comments from my readers, but none came. no one was reading it. no one was commenting. so i unpublished it. . .

then came game over. and bOY, i loved the plot even more. i first published it on september 2018 after spending the whole summer studying to be a better writer. i improved my vocabulary, learned the structure of books, how to summarize, how to come up with a plot beginning to end, worked on my descriptions and many more. i entered different writing websites, writing down the most important tips on a notebook which i still have to this day and studying from it. then came game over. the idea came so suddenly to me and i remember writing it down on my phone as always and then one day, i was watching some bts au's on youtube and i hear the song red lips and i suddenly start getting images on my head, of how i want game over to be as a story. obviously, i got a piece of paper and planned it all out neatly into a mindmap. after all of the planning, i started writing the first chapter. i tried writing in first pov after such a long time and i remember thinking i did amazing. a few days later, i already have the book in my wattpad drafts, but i'm debating on whether i should publish it or not. i told jiminiums about it at the time and she was a huge supporter. i published it solely because of her and she would read my every chapter and comment and it would make me feel so motivated. another friend of mine joined in and would read and comment continuously. i had only two people reading, both of them being my closest friends, but i was so happy. my favorite part was replying to their comments and seeing how they'd react to certain scenes. it was honestly hilarious at times haha❤️

well, i got some constructive criticism and was a bit disappointed because i literally worked so hard on that book. then i showed it to my mum and she also pointed out everything that was wrong with it. i wrote them down and decided i'd start editing them, which i did. game over was reborn and some parts were altered and rewritten. again, i'd work so hard on these stories and often times i'd sacrifice my sleep for it, motivating myself by waiting on how my readers would react.

well, no one did. all my readers asked me for was to write more blackpink ship books. i didn't really listen, because i didn't have any sort of motivation or interest to continue with them anymore, but that didn't stop the requests. i wrote what i wanted and loved doing it. . .well, no one cared about game over or that other jungkook fan fiction. and it demotivated me greatly. updates got delayed again, i didn't feel like writing and i didn't even want to log into my wattpad account.

finally one day, i decided to listen to my readers' requests and thought of a blackpink ship. that's how downpour was born. initially, the book was just going to be written in a diary format. chaeyoung would write down her observations of the strange girl in the rain. and at the end of the book, the girl would no longer be there and chaeyoung would be alone in the rain or something of that sort, but i changed my mind somewhere near the second chapter? i decided to go with the flow instead and give off a certain message, which i won't reveal for now lol.

i remember the comments i got quick after publishing it. one was asking me to write about another ship and i didn't really know what to say. the only reason why i was writing downpour in the first place, was to please my readers. i wasn't really into the writing process and that's why i decided to go with the flow. i usually do that for all of my blackpink ship books, because it's just easier that way.

however, now, i have finally come to terms with how i feel. i feel unhappy doing what i'm currently doing. you've all probably been wondering: what happened to the weekly updates? april said weekly updates, but there aren't any.

well that's because i don't feel like writing anymore. i don't enjoy it the way i used to. i'm writing for others and not for myself and it's not making me happy, because it's not something i wanna do. fragile hearts and attention. . .i'm glad to see them grow day by day, but i don't think i can go back to writing like that again. i just don't feel inspired, you know?

everyday, i think about downpour and perfect and how i need to write a new chapter, but i can't. i literally can't. unless i force myself to do so, i can't. it's so exhausting to do something you don't want to do, something you're not enjoying and something that's not satisfactory. i do wish my readers weren't as silent though, i really want to read their reaction and thoughts on a certain book of mine, on a specific chapter, on a single paragraph or on one sentence only. i guess  that after writing to please others, you'd expect some sort of reaction from those others, so it would at least be worth it, you know? now don't misunderstand me, i am very grateful to the fact that you're all reading my books, even though there's way better than me on this global platform, but i just. . .i don't know.

i'm ranting way too much haha, i'll just get straight to the point.

i'm thinking about leaving.

leaving this account behind and only using it to post the rest of the chapters for downpour and perfect for now. well, my priority is downpour. if i manage to finish that, i'll leave. i won't delete the account, so you'll still be able to read my works and check my reading lists and such, but that's about it. i don't really plan on returning to this account. it just doesn't feel right anymore and it only makes me feel even more depressed.

thank you for coming to my ted talk-

jk

thank you for reading this long ass rant and thank you for being on this five year journey with me. i love each and everyone of you and thank you for everything ❤️

maybe i might return one day after i finish downpour, maybe i won't or maybe i'll open a new account. . .i don't know to be honest, but all i hope is that i find my motivation and inspiration again and write what i want to instead of writing what others want me to.

that's about it.

happy new year's everyone!

for now, goodbye.

bluebusan.