Goodbye Milo

Nakatayo ako sa ilalim ng puno ng santol at nakatanaw sa lalaking mahal na mahal ko. Everything seems so perfect. Dahil pasko ay makulay ang mga Christmas lights na inilagay namin sa bakuran. Malamig rin ang simoy ng hangin at puno ng bituin ang kalangitan. It’s Christmas eve and I just received the gift I prayed the most. Milo’s presence.

Milo is the perfect guy for me－ the seven years old me. Crush na crush ko siya noon at para sa akin, gusto kong maging boyfriend siya. I know I was too young then samantalang siya? He’s fourteen years old. When I started grade school, nasa pangalawang taon na siya sa kanyang high school. When I asked myself kung ano ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya, I can give a list. Milo is very kind, matalino, mabait, mapagmahal, gwapo and the list goes on. Madalas kong iniipit sa likod ng tenga ko ang buhok ko sa tuwing bibili ako sa tindahan nila at siya ang nagbabantay.

I was young but I know the qualities a man should possess and Milo has it all. He’s the pianist at the chapel kung saan active naman ang mga magulang ko. And as a daughter of the active catechist couple, automatic na rin na maging active ako sa simbahan. Dala ko ang maliit na basket na naglalaman ng mga pinitas na petals ng mga bulaklak sa tabi-tabi.

Nakagawian ko na na maging isa sa mga munting anghel tuwing salubong ng pagkabuhay kapag easter Sunday. I always look forward to that dahil kapag nag-eensayo kami ay naroon din si Milo upang bigyan kami ng music accompaniment. Siya rin ang nagtuturo sa amin sa iba pang musical instruments sa simbahan. I can still recall my cold fingers that day. It’s been thirteen years pero nararamdaman ko pa rin ang saya kapag naaalala ko ang sinabi sa akin ni Milo nang araw na iyon. I was in my white dress and angel wings na binili namin ni Mama sa mall. I wore a lovely flower crown as a halo at hawak-hawak ko ang maliit na basket. My hands were shaking kaya natatapon ang iilan sa petals na laman ng dala kong basket.

Dala ni Milo ang kanyang gitara at sinalubong niya ako. He tapped my head and smiled sweetly.
“Ang ganda mo talaga Milken, hihintayin kita paglaki mo ha?”

I can vaguely recall the blush in my face that day na tiyak kong hindi dahil sa paglagay ni Mama ng lipstick sa pisngi ko. Maraming lalaki na nag nagsabi sa akin niyon. Kahit ang mga kumpadre ni Papa ay pabirong sinasabi iyon but I took Milo’s words seriously. I want to laugh every time I remember how I wanted to make the time flies fast.

One of the saddest moment in my life? Noong nag-aral na ng kolehiyo si Milo. He was sent to a university na malayo at pakiramdam ko ay dala-dala niya ang puso ko noong umalis siya. I was ten years old then. My teenage life isn’t that colorful. I had few crushes at school pero laman pa rin ng puso ko si Milo. I heard from his parents that he stopped to work. Matalino si Milo at madiskarte sa buhay. I was fifteen years old and he was 22 when my fairytale-like story happened.

“Pwede ba kitang ligawan Milken?”

Those words were very flattery for a young heart. I was flustered not because I was told such kundi dahil si Milo ang nagsabi niyon. I was young at marupok ako. I made a lot of wrong decisions in life but Milo is an exception. Siya lang yata ang tama sa buhay ko noon.

“Be, tapos ka na ba sa mga assignment mo?” madalas niyang tanong sa akin kapag nasa bahay siya at dinadalaw ako. Mula nang magtatlong buwan kami, Milo decided to tell my parents about us. Sa umpisa ay tumutol sila, third year high school pa lamang kasi ako noon but when they saw my improvements dahil kay Milo ay binasbasan nila ang relasyon namin.

“Oo be, tapos na. Nagawa ko na rin lahat ng requirements ko, don’t worry, ga-graduate na ng high school ang jowa mo,” nakangising wika ko sa kanya. Umupo ako sa tabi niya at niyakap siya. I am the happiest when I am with Milo. Iyon bang parang kayo lamang dalawa sa mundo?

Hindi naman nawala ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. I’m too young for him. I’m too young to be in a relationship with anyone. They have nothing against Milo but I don’t like it when they say bata pa ako. Kailan pa nagkaroon ng age limit sa pag-ibig?

““I love you Milken,” iyon ang madalas niyang sabihin sa akin nang diretso. Ni hindi siya kumukurap kapag sinasabi iyon at damang-dama ko na tagos iyon sa puso. I wanted to freeze everything and just enjoy my moment with him.

Nang magkolehiyo ako ay bumalik rin sa pag-aaral si Milo. Magkaiba kami ng eskwelahang pinapasukan. He continued pursuing engineering while I took up education. Madalas niya akong sunduin noon kahit malayo. He would always kiss the back of my head before saying goodbye. I cannot imagine my life without him and somehow, naging dependent na ako sa kanya.

“Be anong susuotin ko?”
“Be hindi ako kakain hangga’t hindi ka pa dumarating.”
“Be pa-unzip naman ng damit ko sa likod.”
“Be ganito. Be ganyan.”

Which I later realized, it wasn’t healthy. But it only made me realize that I need to keep Milo till the end if I will be this dependent to him. He’s my lifeline. He’s my everything. Kapag wala siya ay pakiramdam, isa akong jigsaw puzzle na may missing piece.

When he become busy with his final requirements before graduation, nangapa ako na wala si Milo. But what can I do? Ayaw kong maging burden sa kanya. Konting push na lang, ga-graduate na siya. Dahil matagal na kami ni Milo ay naging close ko na rin ang nag-iisa niyang kapatid. Si Dana. Si Dana na mabisyo. Alak at sigarilyo.

She’s been my crying shoulder kapag nagkakaroon kami ng problema ng kapatid ko. Dana will just say “shot na ‘yan” o di kaya ay “kalimutan mo na ‘yan”.

“Hindi ka ba nagkakasakit sa mga bisyo mo Ate Dana?” minsang tanong ko sa kanya.

She laughed as she puffed her cigarette. “Sa ngayon wala pa. Parang pag-ibig lang din ‘yan Milken, sa simula masarap pa ngunit kapag nagtagal doon mo na mararamdaman ang sakit.”

“I beg to disagree, kapag nagtagal kayo ay mas makikilala niyo na ang isa’t-isa. Papasok doon si Acceptance thus male-lessen ang pain dahil kilala niyo na ang isa’t-isa,” pangangatwiran ko.

“Ewan ko sa sa’yo, ito naman masyadong seryoso,” sagot ni Ate Dana. “Malay mo, balang araw magkakasakit din ako. May mga relative kaming may sakit sa bato, cancer, TB at kung anu-ano pa pero wala naman silang bisyo. Look at me? I enjoy life kasi at the end of the day, mamamatay naman tayong lahat, may bisyo o wala. Buti nga ‘yang kapatid ko walang bisyo pero sige ka, may TB si tito baka mahawa siya!” biro niya, referring to her uncle kung saan nakatira si Milo habang nag-aaral.

Yup, MIlo is really close to perfection. Walang bisyo kahit alak. Maybe that’s the reason why he looks younger than his age. Ang mga hindi nakakakilala sa amin ay hindi alam ang ilang taong agwat sa mga edad namin.

Nang magtapos si Milo ay mas naging madalang ang pagkikita namin.  Ayaw kong maging hadlang kay Milo so I let him reach his dreams. He took his review and eventually passed the board exam. I was beyond proud! My boyfriend’s name Milo Ocampo, RCE!

Exactly the night after his name was posted on the Professional Regulation Commission website, I gave him the greatest gift I can offer. It was a rush decision, I know pero siguro na ako sa sarili ko na siya ang lalaking deserve ang lahat ng meron ako.

I found myself hugging him tight and whispering the three words that I love to hear. For the past four years, those words were lullaby to my ears at gusto kong iyon din sana ang maramdaman niya ngayon.

“Be, I love you so much,” I said as I tiptoed and kissed him on the lips. My kisses where tender at first, then it has become hungry. I clamped myself to him, touching his cheeks, his arms and everything in him. He probably felt I was pushing myself to him so he pulled me by the shoulders and he distanced himself.

“Be?” he asked. His voice almost comes in a moan. I didn’t waste time. I kissed him hungrily again, kindling the fire between us. He was hesitant at first until he took the lead. My toes curled to his every touch and my body responded like crazy. It was painful yet the most wonderful thing that ever happen to me. Anatomically speaking, something in me broke but it was also the time that I felt like a whole new being.

***

“Sigurado ka na ba diyan?” I asked him one time when I found him packing his things. He was offered a good opportunity at Palawan for a month or two. Kapag hindi ko siya makita ng ilang segundo ay mahirap sa akin, paano na lang kaya kapag isa o dalawang buwan?

He stood up and kissed the top of my head. “Be this is for us.”

And that’s just all I need. His assurance. I always know that Milo is the type who keeps his words and I trust him unconditionally. Labis-labis ang pagtitiwala ko sa kanya dahil magli-limang taon na kami at pakiramdamdam ko ay kilalang kilala ko na siya. Hindi siya gagawa ng kahit anumang hindi ko magugustuhan.

I was wrong.

I wasn’t the type who hang out on social media but I found myself with the greatest urge to do so that night. At doon ko nakita ang mga tagged pictures ni Milo. He was with a girl, a pretty girl. The pictures were a little bit intimate na kahit kami ni milo ay hindi namin nakuhang gawin at pagkatapos ay idocumentary para makita ng mundo.

Milo is better than that. He doesn’t want me to be subject for criticisms and lustful minds. Bawal magpicture na nakikita ang cleavage, bawal magsuot ng maikling damit. Bawal ganito, bawal ganyan. Then suddenly, Milo has become the man I never know. The past 2 months was rocky. Minsan na nga lang kami mag-usap sa telepono, nag-aaway pa kami. I confronted him about the girl at ang masakit pa niyan ay hindi niya iyon itinanggi.

See? Milo is just the most honest man that ever existed. But damn, it was so painful na pakiramdam ko ay ikamamatay ko. Not an exaggeration but it was really what I feel. Siguro dahil iyon ang unang beses na naramdaman ko ang sakit na iyon. Tama pala ang sinasabi nila na. First cut is the deepest. It shouldn’t be called heartache because damn, everything in you aside from your heart also aches.

I did something that I never imagine I could. Nakipaghiwalay ako sa kanya. I quit school at piniling manatili sa probinsya ng aking lola. Madalas kaming magkasiyahan ng mga pinsan ko sa umaga ngunit pagsapit ng gabi ay iniiyak ko lahat ng sakit ng loob ko. Gabi-gabi ko iyong ginagawa ngunit hindi man lang niyon naibsan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

When I went back home, I found him standing at the front door, looking sorry. I was twenty, young and vulnerable. I forgive easily. Marupok ako. I found myself overlooking his mistakes because I always tell myself, walang perpekto at lahat ay nagkakamali. Even my almost perfect boyfriend.

One cold night, I found myself sharing warmth with him. My eyes automatically closed as I felt every touch of his lips on my skin. His warm breaths felt so good. It was something I wished to feel every waking day of my life.

“I love you Milken,” he said to my ears as he coughed.

“Ayos ka lang ba?” I asked.

He nodded his head habang patuloy siya sa pag-ubo. Milo has drowned himself to work. Nangangayayat siya at may mga dark circles sa ilalim ng mga mata niya but nonetheless, it doesn't makes him less handsome.

***

“ I love you Milken.”

Iyon ang apat na mga salitang gustong-gusto kong marinig. Those are the words that only matter. But happiness seems to evade me. Kailangan na namang umalis ni Milo and I have no other choice but to let him. After all we’ve been through, my trust in him only strengthened. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kapag nagkasala si Milo at humingi ng tawad tiyak kong pinagsisisihan na na niya ang ginawa niya. I can give him another chance that he really deserves.

I was wrong again.

Limang buwan siyang nawala at wala akong narinig mula sa kanya. No phone calls, no text yet active siya sa social media, posting pictures of his new girl. Do you know that feeling na ayos kayo noong nakaraan, ayos kayo ngayon pero bigla ka na lamang magigising isang araw na wala na ang lahat?

Milo threw away our five years over five months.

Napakasakit. Hindi ko lubos maisip kung bakit ganoon. Tila nawalan ako ng gana sa buhay. I refused to eat and I spent every night crying. Gabi-gabi rin ako nilalagnat at nagkaksakit pero hindi man lamang nangalahati ang sakit na iyon sa sakit na nararamdaman ko sa puso ko.

Five fucking years over five months! Ang hirap tanggapin. Para akong gumawa ng house of cards na sa isang iglap ay sinira lamang ng kung sino. Someone pulled a card under, and I watched it collapsed in a blink of an eye.

My reminiscence was disrupted by his voice.

“Be…” He let out a smile at me. Gumanti rin ako ng ngiti at tinakbo ang distansya sa pagitan namin. I haven’t seen him for a while. At ngayong nakita ko siya, pakiramdam ko ay ang lakas-lakas ko. I throw myself to him and hugged him tightly as I could. It feels so good to be back in his arms.

Mas hinigpitan ko pa ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya kahit pa tila magkalasog-lasog ang mga buto ko sa katawan. I rested my face on his chest, feeling his heartbeat at doon ko na pinakawalan ang iyak na limang buwan kong kinimkim.

I cried hard na tila ba batang iniwan ng ina. I shouted and screamed. My tears meet my saliva and sweat. Gabi-gabi akong umiiyak sa tago pero hindi ko lubos maisip na may maiiyak pa pala ako. I let out all the pain, frustration, disappointment and regrets in that wailing. Sumabay ang sigaw ng mga iyak ko sa boses ng mga batang nangangaroling sa kapitbahay.

Damn, it felt so good to totally vent out all you’ve been carrying in your chest. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong umiyak habang nakayakap sa kanya. When I pulled myself away from him, he was crying too.  Matamis na ngumiti ako at pinahid ang mga luha ko.

Sinuklian niya ako ng matamis rin na mga ngiti habang nakatingin ng diretso sa akin. “Forgive me Milken. I’m very sorry, patawarin mo ako.”

“Pinapatawad na kita Milo.”

Ngumiti siya at mas lalong naiyak. “Tayo na ba ulit?”

Nilawakan ko ang ngiti ko at bumitaw sa pagkakahawak niya. Nakangiting umiling ako. “Masakit Milo pero ayaw ko nang isugal pa ang natitirang respeto ko sa sarili ko That’s just all I need. Kailangan ko lang iiyak ang lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko. Haay,” I sighed in great relief. “I never thought it felt this good to totally cry it out in front of you. Mahal kita Milo pero malaya ka na. Alam kong mahal mo ako pero hindi na tulad ng dati. Mahal mo ako ngunit hindi na sapat ang pagmamahal na iyon para panghawakan ko pa. Kasi kung sapat pa ang pagmamahal na nasa sa’yo, hinding-hindi ka gagawa ng bagay na alam mong ikasasama ng loob ko. And Milo, it isn’t an accident. Cheating is never an accident but a choice.”

“Milken…” His voice cracked.

Tinalikuran ko siya at humakbang papasok sa loob ng bahay. I admit it brings pain to my heart but I am relieved right now that I made a good decision. Isinara ko ang pinto at sumandal sa likod niyon.

“Nangangayayat si Milo kasi nahawa siya sa TB ni Tito.” Iyon ang sinabi sa akin ni Dana noong hinatid namin sa airport si Milo noon. Little did I know, umalis si Milo nang araw na iyon at nag-iwan sa akin ng masasayang alaala at sakit na tuberculosis. 

Tinakpan ko ang bibig habang umuubo ako. When I withdraw my hand from my mouth, I saw blood. Agad akong umakyat sa silid at uminom ng gamot na limang buwan ko nang mini-maintain mula nang umalis si Milo.

“Goodbye Milo,” bulong ko sa hangin.

END

A/N: This is based on a true story of my friend. I asked her permission to write something inspired to her experience and she said yes. I can still recall the time when she relayed her story to us. Nakaupo siya sa sahig noon habang nag-aayos ng mga gamit, umiiyak siya habang nagsasalita tapos umiiyak rin kami habang nakikinig LOL. Hi N! I hope I justified the story kahit sobrang ni-revise ko.

I researched about the TB part kung transferable ba siya via kissing and it says yes if the infected excretes large number of mycobacteria in the sputum kaya malaki ang chances ng infection.

P.S. kinuwento niya to noong nabalitaan niyang ikakasal na si Milo*

So yeah, thank you for reading!