CHAPTER FOUR:
to elude and to elide

Cassandra can't remember the last time she slept well. Every time she closed her eyes, it was this string of memories, an echo of the same thing, an echo━ vivid and more haunting than the last, a culmination of each time she had failed, each time she felt Scott's pulse slows down under the tips of her fingers, each time she saw the vibrant━ pulsating, bright red of his thread dim down and fade into nothing.

It was an endless loop━ Scott crumbling to the ground, slow as if time itself was at a standstill, watching as he he slipped away to the cold embrace of Death. Scott being dead still on the hospital bed; face pale and serene, the cuts and bruises hidden under carefully done bandages as the heart rate monitor overwhelms her senses. The blade cutting through his chest, the bright glint of the metal almost a mockery of her, the bone sticking out of his arm, the socket of his eyes hollow, Scott bloodied and bruised as he choked out his last breath, lungs overtaken with blood instead of the air that he desperately craved, Scott━

And each time he called out to her, he held on to her. His last breath was a reassurance, a promise, a forgiveness, and each time Cassandra felt less and less herself━ , a part of herself chipped away, Scott taking it with him.

Even when she had him with her━ the beat of his heart a constant in her mind as he curled his hand around her waist━ she couldn't sleep, not when he could slip away any minute, not when she could lose him any minute.

Scott━ her Scott, the one she had first fallen in love with all those lifetimes ago used to tell her that it was an irrational thing, the baritone of voice lower with sleep, a soothing balm on her soul along with the shapes he traced on her bare hips.

"It will heal soon," he would tell her, a press of his lips to her forehead as he pulled her closer, the warmth of his skin soaking into hers, "these wounds that are causing you these nightmares, it'll heal."

And then, he was gone.

And so the would never healed━ It clotted sure, it scabbed over sure but it also grew bigger, deeper, pulsating with blood and pus each time she scratched at it━ each time she failed, each time she buried him.

It's a luxury now, the embrace of Hypnos that wasn't plagued by her memories. It was a luxury she couldn't afford. And yet, just like before, she found herself before Scott's door━ hand raised to knock.

"Come in," Cassandra paused, staring at her hand that had yet to touch the door. By the time she had come to her senses, the door had been opened and Scott was staring at her, a light flush on his cheeks. "I could feel you."

"Oh, sorry," Cassandra cleared her throat, "I'll sto━"

"It's fine," Scott interrupted, "It's━ I feel better, knowing you're there." He moved out of the door slightly, "do you want to come in?"

"Please," Cassandra found herself choking out as he moved in, Scott softly closing the door behind him and it's an unconscious thing what happened next━ almost as if there was a gravitation pull between the two of them, as if they were puzzle pieces finally finding their rightful place as Scott slotted himself next to her on the bed, legs tangling and playing with her fingers.

Something in her settled as she listened to the beat of his heart━ the thud, thud, thud, thud, a reminder that he's alive, he's breathing, he's here. It was a reminder that he was alive and that she would not━ could not fail him again.

His hand moved from her fingers to her face, thumb tracing the line of her jaw as he stared at her through the ruby glasses. "I missed you."

Cassandra's eyes snapped to meet his, mouth opening to respond but the words died on the tip of her tongue, whatever she wanted to say was not enough to meet what he did. She knew she hadn't been careful━ hadn't let the transition to her be slow and instead, she had jumped into using her powers completely━ something that Cassandra would've never done if she hadn't lost her husband.

"I am right here Scott," Cassandra finally whispered back, her hands that she had moved to around his waist tightening.

"You don't seem like the Cassie━ Cassandra I know." Scott whisperers, his hand now resting at the hinge of her jaw. "this is not you."

"It is me," Cassandra stresses, the lie falling from her lips easily. It hurt, each time she had to lie to him, the weight of each syllable pressing heavily on her chest like a stone sinking into the water, each lie chipping away at her and yet, sometimes, what hurt the most was him taking her words at face value━ the realisation that Scott Summers no longer knows her twisting at her like a knife to the chest.

But she had to. The truth was not something he could know━ lest he think of her as a monster when he realised how many times she failed him, how many lifetimes he had lost because of her. Each failure weighed heavily on her, a burden of memories that she had meticulously tucked away in the deepest corners of her mind, where the light seldom reached, where only she could go.

"I thought I was going to lose you at the diner," Cassandra continues, "I can't lose you."

Scott's expression softened, shifting so that he was closer━ warm skin pressed against cold, his body practically dwarfing her as he leaned forward, his thumb coming to rest at her chin and delicately tilting her head up.

His breath fanned across her face, adam's apple bobbing and Cassandra let him lead, reeling her in and pressing his lips to hers. It was a tentative thing, lips moving softly but she could feel the drumming of his heart under her palm that rested on his chest, the grip of his hand tightening on the small of her back.

"You won't lose me," Scott whispered against her lips as he pulled away slightly for a breath, "There is nothing that can take me from you, not in this lifetime."

Cassandra swallowed, her hands curling further━ bunching up the material of his shirt as she blinked, her eyes suddenly burning. "You can't promise that."

"I can," Scott retorted, the press of his lips now a barely there, fleeting thing, "have I ever broken a promise I made to you?"

Yes.

You left me.

You died.

"No," Cassandra bit her lips, resting her head on his chest. "No, you haven't."

Scott hums, a silence settling around them.

"I did miss you," Scott speaks again, "I thought you... you warned me before we had left and━"

"Is this about━" Cassandra cleared her throat, "Is this about what happened at the diner?"

Scott looks away, refusing to answer.

"I thought you'd be happy," Cassandra said softly, eyes downcast. She let out a shuddering breath, the realisation that the only person who had once looked past the fear, the grief, the mistakes━ turned away from the monster, the rot and instead saw a human finally saw through the cracked facade that she had hastily put together settling in. "I'm finally not afraid of myself"

"Not at the expense of yourself" Scott answered back, his hold on her tightening as his voice grew into something haunted. "This is not you"

"This is me," Cassandra stressed, forcing him to meet her eye, "This is me and who I will be."

"I━" Scott faltered, his eyes squeezing shut

Oh.

It was another constant in Scott━ this feeling, not so much a fear but something deeper and yet something lesser than that. Something akin to a wound that hasn't healed properly, the skin knitted together and yet left raw on the inside. A lingering reminder of what Sinister and later on Xavier had done to him, a chip at his soul━ a scratch in the otherwise pristine canvas that made his person.

He thinks Cassandra lost control of her powers.

Cassandra opened her mouth to reassure him when a knock at his door had Scott moving, unwrapping himself from her to answer who was standing outside.

"Cable's dead."

━

"What happened?" Scott questioned, kneeling beside the still body of Nathan Summers. Cassandra left distant━ numb as she stared at his prone form. It seemed wrong, to the behemoth of a boy, one that she had called a son a lifetime ago so still, unmoving.

She wondered if Scott knew that the boy he was surveying was his son.

Her grip on Scott's shoulder tightened as she ground herself, her breath coming out in short pants the longer she looked at the corpse. She felt Scott's hand settle above hers, the head seeping through his glove as he squeezed lightly.

"Energy blast," Hank pointed at the marks on the boy's body, describing what he thought had happened and how it led to the death of the boy.

"Rachel," Scott called out, his tone apologetic, "I wish I could be more sensitive but we don't have much time. Do you think it was Ahab?"

"I don't think so," Rachel sniffled out from where she was curled into Jean, "I would feel it if it was time. Like━"

"Jean," Cassandra froze, her eyes snapping to the voice━ Jean, older, so much more like the woman she had lost. The uniform, the way her hair fell past her shoulders, the lines on her face━ as she moved towards the younger version of herself. "I could hear your psychic scream," The woman said softly, her eyes focused on her younger self. "We came as quickly as we could."

"Do we know what happened?" Jean finally looked away from her younger self, her voice slightly shaky and Cassandra couldn't fault her, not when the reason she was here was for the death of her son. "How━ Cassandra."

Cassandra looked at the woman, confused at the tone of voice━ as did the rest of the room barring Rachel. She bit her lip, trying to recall any of the timelines where Jean looked at her the way she was right now━ why she was looking at Cassandra as if she had just seen a ghost.

"Jean," Cassandra addressed the older woman, her memories coming up short. "I'm sorry about Nathan."

"You're alive."

━

"Someone is messing with the timeline." Jean looked at Kurt, moving the cup he had set aside for her towards her using her power. "It can feel it━ something, someone, I don't know what but something is wrong."

"Is it because of them being here?" Kurt questioned, leaning against the cabinet as he crossed his ankles, his tail swishing behind him. "They have been here for a while now, if it had been for them, it would be catastrophic by now."

"I don't know," Jean confessed with a frustrated sigh. Her voice trembled slightly as she recalled what she had witnessed this morning. "But something is wrong... it━ It's affected Scott. He almost━ I almost lost him today."