Before 2020, school was fun, and the headteacher was great. Although, everyone was upset when he retired to spend time with his grandkids during quarantine, since he was an elderly man and was at risk, especially around such a population of snotty kids, including me. Blowing spit bubbles and face planting into dirt with a loud, giggly laugh. Or picking up snails and putting them into the bug home, or even collecting rocks, no matter how many bugs were under them, and hiding them in a bush. Although, I guess I never was very likeable. Growing up with an older brother, I guess I was bound to be a bit boyish. I even started wearing shorts, and I was the tallest in my year group already. I'd never watched my little pony, but I'd watched adventure time? Is that enough? I was born a people pleaser. And in year 2, people already didn't like me much. My best friend didn't wanna see my new coat, so her new best friend dragged me by the hood across the yard and pushed me to my butt. Office lady came out and said she's shocked I didn't break through the concrete. And it sucks even more, looking back, I was never a big kid, never have been. I was a normal kid, just a bit taller than the rest.

A new Ava joined in year 2, and she was much prettier, everyone called her Ava 2.0, and I lost the little friends I had. It was okay though, you can pick up snails by yourself, collect rocks by your self and sit in trees, in fact, it's probably funner. Only thing is, I've always been super chatty, and what can a chatty girl do when no one chats to her?

I began to make characters, and I'd talk with them, in my head, like a phone call through my brain. So, while eating grapes alone every break, I'd chat to myself, silently, and eating lunch, I'd chat to myself, silently, so on, so on.

Although, it's never the same as talking to real flesh.

Two girls in my class, Ada and Layla, were best friends, they always looked happy. I tried to play with them, but I didn't understand my little pony stuff, so I just ate lunch with them, and let them eat my snacks.

Then Aliyanah come over, and she's even chattier. I couldn't get words in, but at least I'm not sat alone.

She'd have some snacks too, and they'd play with the maraca-like keychain my Nan had bought me, until it ripped and the beads spilled. I had to laugh it off, it was fine, just a keychain I really liked. Besides, my Nan can get a cuter one, she's still with us.

I slowly adapted to just making people smile, and not satisfying my own needs.

Covid first broke out, and Layla was immediately home schooled. Ada was devastated to say the least, and I tried to cheer her up, say I'll be there for her.

"You'll just be replacement friend then. Once layla is back, we don't need to talk anymore."

She smiled, saying it so casually in such a sweet tone.

Yet the sweet words plunged into my heart, and the blood seeped.