[Reed Winters]

Love, a fickle bitch. That conclusion was easy to come as I had been in love or maybe I had been in love with the idea of love. Kids are told to be who they are and to follow their dreams and ambitions and stay true to themselves, but once I had met Josh, that all seemed to blur.

Josh and I had been together for eight years. We were sixteen and in high school when we got together and everything about love was new to me. I had never had a boyfriend before then so everything was my first time with him. I had felt enamored by the fact that he had chosen me over everyone else and it was intoxicating. I was in love that I had allowed myself to follow him halfway across the world for his dream job.

Love was supposed to last forever. I never understood how I had gotten lucky enough to find my soul mate at such a young age, but what I didn't realize that a relationship is a two-way street and only works if both people are in it for the long hall. I learned that the hard way and in probably the most cliché way I possibly could.

. . . . .

It felt like weeks since I had seen Josh when in actuality only a day had passed.

It wasn't strange for him to be working long hours at his job. He was a lawyer after all and was aiming for the new partner position that had opened up. Making partner was something that we had hoped he would get for a while now.

I say we because he was the sole provider in our relationship. When I was still in high school my mother used to tease me about how I was lucky. I was dating a rich man's son. 'Marry rich', she would say because unlike her real relationship with my father she had dreamed of finer things for herself.

Josh had never stated otherwise that he was resent of me leaning on him as much as I did. Through the years he told me how much he enjoyed the feeling of being able to provide for someone else. So instead of finding a real job or a long-term career, I volunteered at a nearby outreach, homeless shelter three days a week in hopes I could give back to the community in some way.

My boyfriend had proposed to me. It had been so unexpected, but it was exactly what I had wanted. It was like everything was finally falling into place. I was so in love with the feeling of stability that I hadn't noticed the rest of the world changing around me.

To surprise to fiancé, I decided to bring him lunch from his favorite sandwich shop since I knew he would be spending all his time on a new case and impressing his bosses.

My heels clicked against the sidewalk as I made my way down the street toward the office building I had only been to a few times. There was a slight skip in my step as I basked in the rays of the sun that shone from above. The sky was cloud free and the fresh air only solidified that way I was feeling about my life.

I smiled sweetly at co-workers I passed as I turned down the hallway that led to my fiancé's office and only glanced at the empty seat where his receptionist normally sat. Without knocking I let myself into the room.

"Hey, babe! I bought-"

The paper bag I held fell from my hands as I stared at the scene in front of me. There at his desk was Josh, but he was not alone. Between his legs was the missing receptionist that should have been at the desk just outside his office door.

It was like everything I thought I knew was a lie. Josh promised me he would always take care of me, but I never thought that meant he would resent me for it.

Tears welled up in my eyes the longer I stared. How long had it been going on? Had he only asked me to marry him because he felt guilty?

A rush of mixed emotions washed over me, but I didn't stay for him to see them. Instead, I ran from his office and his work building and back to our shared apartment, a luxurious space that no longer felt like home. My heart and mind raced a mile a minute as I slammed the front door closed behind me. It felt like my life was over. What had I done wrong?

It didn't take long for Josh to come home and find me.

"You must have seen this coming," Josh spoke as he leaned against the doorway of our bedroom, seeming a little too calm.

"How could I have seen this coming, Josh?!" I yelled up at him from my spot near the bed. "You asked me to marry you!"

"Because I knew that's what you wanted!" His voice rose as well, an annoyed expression appearing on his face.

"What do you want then?" My eyes were cloudy with tears, but I tried to act tough as I gulped back my growing fears. I already knew what was coming next.

"We've been together a long time-"

"Eight years," I corrected him. I wanted him to understand how much time we had both put into this relationship.

Josh shot me a serious look before his rigged shoulders deflated and he let out an annoyed breath.

"We've been together eight years, Reed. Since high school and I feel like I've missed out on a lot in life."

"You mean girls." My voice cracked as a few stray tears fell, but I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hands. "You want to be with more women."

"Yes." His bluntness cut me even deeper than I thought it would. "I think we need to spend some time apart."

"But-"

"I'd appreciate it if you would pack your things and leave."

I felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. It was like this he had planned this for months. Josh pulled an overnight bag from out of the closet and set it on the bed next to me. Without another word, or even a glance in my direction, he left the room and after a moment I heard the front door click shut.

It felt like this room was the sea and I was a boat taking on water. He wanted me out, but where was I supposed to go? I had no family here or money of my own to book a flight. There were no friends that came to mind because I thought that the only person I would need to count on was Josh, but it seemed as though that was a horrible mistake to make. I was alone.

I did as he told me to. And as I packed a bag of miscellaneous clothes, shoes and some personal possessions, I let out all the emotions that I had held back from him. With tears still staining my cheeks, I said my last goodbye to our apartment. His apartment.

. . . . .

Three months had passed since I had talked to Josh. The day he told me to leave was the last and probably last time I would ever see him. I was numb. It didn't really matter to me if I saw him again or not because he was the reason I was now staying in the homeless shelter I used to volunteer at.

My life had made a complete 180 in such a short amount of time. I thought I had everything I would ever need. I would marry Josh, we would have at least two kids and live the rest of our lives happily. But I wasn't happy.

I was living on the street with nothing, but the few possessions that I could carry in a backpack, everything else I had left Josh's apartment with had been sold for money or stolen by other people as desperate as I was. I hated Josh for doing this to me, but I hated myself more for thinking that I could depend on anyone other than myself to get through life. Even that didn't seem like enough anymore.

There was nothing I could do to better my situation. I couldn't get a job because I didn't have any real work experience and I couldn't find an apartment because I had no money to pay for it. I was at a standstill and I finally realized that there was only one way out of the mess I had been thrown into.

The first time the idea had crossed my mind I thought I had truly lost it. But once it had settled in my head and I really thought it over, it just made sense. There was no way to make my life better now that I had nothing, not that I had seen the harsh reality of the world from outside my perfect bubble. I was alone and Josh was gone for good.

It wasn't a hard decision to make. It was actually a lot easier than I had always imagined it would be.

I decided that in one week, I would kill myself.