───── ⋆FOURTEEN⋆ ─────

𝐈 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐘 𝐃𝐀𝐘 cleaning the guns from training. Emptying the barrels and chambers, counting bullets and putting them in boxes to be stored. I offered to clean because it meant I could sit down and get off my feet, my knees still hurt to bend or rest on the ground and my hands needed something easy to work with.

But cleaning meant I could eavesdrop and watch. Cleaning meant I could watch Dale speak with Lori, Glenn coming back from his run with Maggie, hearing a commotion by Lori's tent. It meant Lori sobbing as I worked the guns slowly, connecting pieces back together like little puzzles.

Lori, just like Glenn, was acting differently. She had a secret. She was holding herself differently, her shoulders weren't as square, as pushed back. She was hunching, she looked almost green with paleness.

I'd seen her rush from the campfire, the smoking meat. I knew what that meant, I knew a lot of what it meant.

Lori was pregnant.

She'd slept late the day before, another small sign. Fatigue. Nausea. And it wasn't from sickness, nothing like the flu. She'd sent Glenn on a special run twice and I could only imagine what was in the second trip if the first had been for a pregnancy test.

"Hey," I called and Lori glanced over. She was walking back from the fields and she slowly came over when I waved.

"What is it, Sam?" Her voice was hoarse.

"Just, um," an awkward smile came to my lips, "wanted to see how you were doing? Carl did really well today with training."

She nodded, running her hand over her head. "Listen, I gotta go lay down–"

"Wait, wait," I stood from my spot at the bench. I had both my hands out, as if to grab her, and I lowered them quickly. "Lori, I–" I sighed. "I'm here, okay? I'm here if you want to...to talk."

A knowing look passed over her and she nodded back after a beat. "Do you...?"

I didn't know what the question was implying but I nodded anyway. "You don't have to do this alone."

She nodded again, both of us doing it as our only form of response before she walked away. I checked her off my mental list of people needing to be checked up on as I turned and sat back down. There was a car driving up the dirt road and I looked back down at the guns. I had just one more to finish off before I needed to hand them back to Dale.

I slid the pieces back together, checking to make sure there were no rounds inside before slipping it inside the gun bag. I kept my gun in my holster, I didn't want to put it away just yet. I slung the bag over my shoulder and headed towards the RV where I slowed my pace quickly.

Shane and Dale were in a heated conversation and Dale looked almost relieved to see me coming up behind Shane.

"Oh, hey," I said, drawing out the hey for a stretch. "Got those gun's cleaned for ya, Dale."

Dale held out his hand as Shane spun around. He was sweating, bug-eyed and glaring. I passed the guns off to the older man and Shane took my arm.

"We're goin' on a walk," he snarled and I gave Dale a helpless glance before being dragged off the rest of the way.

He didn't speak as he took me down by the trees, near the fences and fields. Where I'd seen the pile of firewood when I first arrived on the farm which felt like a lifetime ago. When he let go of my arm, he was rubbing his face, pacing back and forth.

My arm throbbed from how hard he'd gripped it.

"Was the housing development that much of a dead end?" I asked. "There was really nothin' there?"

"Burned bodies in the garages," he told me, spitting it like fire. "Hallways barricaded. They went to war there."

"Is that why you're so angry?"

"Yes–no–fuck!"

I crossed my arms lightly. I'd seen men get angry before, I'd seen them transform into monsters and demons and pathetic little things, but it never prepared me for the bite. A breeze shuffled past us and it didn't cool the fires, the burning embers crawling under his feet.

"Andrea, she–" He scowled, shaking his head. "She wanted me out there, after we were comin' back."

My heart skipped a beat. Why was he telling me this? "Okay?"

"I could've had her," he said, stalking forward and stopping a breath away to stare down at me. "I could've but all I could think about was you."

I felt my skin flush and I blinked.

"You've got to believe me."

"I can't because you're a liar," I blanched, trying to find the reason why he was telling me this. He didn't want me, he never wanted me. He only wanted a replacement, someone to get him by while Lori turned him down. If he knew she was pregnant...

He'll know soon enough.

"Sam, please, trust me."

I looked up, meeting his gaze. "When in hell have you ever made yourself out to be trustworthy?"

"I want you," he urged, shaking his head. He had that crazed look in his eyes again but I don't think that ever truly went away.

"You want Lori," I breathed back in return.

"You're different," he hissed. "You're not like her, you–you fight back in everything I do. You don't give me anything. She...she sought me out for comfort."

"No," I shook my head, "you did that to her. And she still fought you back, Shane, don't pretend like the C.D.C. didn't happen. We all saw the marks she left on your face."

"I loved her!"

"And you still do!"

"Sam–"

"I told you I didn't want to be used," I snarled, taking a step to push him back. He was coming at me, urging on this fight that I was so happy to give. It was scary how much the need was rattling in my bones. "I am not some plaything for you to come back to every now and then when Lori turns you down again and again. Or–or this body you can use when you don't want Andrea's instead."

He took my face in both his hands, forcing me to meet his dangerous eyes. "You are not like that for me."

"I don't want you," I spat back in his face, feeling the burn churning in my gut.

"Yes," he breathed, "I think you do."

"You're wrong."

His fingers dug gently into my skin, some lost in my hair. He had my hair fisted against the back of my head seconds later, forcing my head up to keep his heated gaze. His pupils were dilated, his eyes dark.

"I will never love you," I whispered into his face and he smiled, lip curling up and I half expected fangs to appear. He would tear me asunder, he would light me aflame from the inside out.

"I think," he was purring, "you will."

The never died on my tongue. His lips were warm, his breath fanning across my face. It didn't take long until he had a hand gripping my side, running up my shirt as his tongue met mine. He tasted like cigarettes, like salt. I was pressed against him by his own hand guiding me against his body. Everything I'd thought had been right.

He was hard in every place, from his shoulders to his chest to his legs. His face was sharp and I ran a hand against his jaw, his stubble scratching against my skin. He felt like he was made of marble, like some devil had constructed him to near dangerous feats.

I didn't want him to think because he'd turned down one girl that this was his reward. He did not deserve me or the pleasure he would receive but I was thinking about myself. I was going to be selfish, even if the only friction I'd be getting would be over clothes.

I kissed him back just as hungrily, lips slick and swollen and gasping. A throaty sound left me and he groaned into my mouth, his nails digging into my sides. Gripping the soft fleshy parts of me, he ground his body against mine. Sucking on my lip, his teeth grazing the tender skin, he tugged and bit. I nearly had my hands all the way up to his chest under his shirt when realization dawned on me.

We were in public. It was daylight. It was Shane.

I pulled back and nearly fell onto my ass as I stumbled away. He was breathless, chest heaving, his eyes watching me move like I was his prey. I shook my head and pointed at him as I touched my lips with barely a graze of my fingertips.

"God, you fucking suck."

Childish, I know.

He was laughing, shaking his head as I backed away and towards the trees where I could disappear behind and slap myself for being stupid. I felt like I was sixteen, falling for the boy in my math class. This was different from Him. Shane was just a body, Him had been something else entirely.

My lips burned and they felt swollen and I hoped my face wasn't red as I stomped back to camp. I could hide in the RV, it was the closest to me, and I ducked inside without another thought.

"The barn–" Glenn's words died on his tongue when he saw me.

He was with Dale, by the table, and the way his eyes had gone wide it seemed like I'd walked in on a private moment. His face flushed and I felt mine do the same. It didn't seem like I'd get any time to recuperate after my moment by the trees.

"Oh, uh, Sam, hey."

"Glenn..."

"We were just talking about the barns," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "You know, the ones we see, like, um, on the road."

I narrowed my eyes and reached out to close the RV door. "I don't think that's what y'all were talking about, Glenn."

"Um..."

"Glenn..."

"No..."

"Tell me."

He shook his head, biting the insides of his cheeks like that would hold his tongue. If I wanted to, I could pry his jaw open and snatch the words out myself but I edged closer in the RV and Dale was shaking his head slightly.

Dale waved a hand. "Just tell her, son. She'll know soon enough anyhow."

"Tell me, what?" I crossed my arms, leaning my hip against the counter. "What's goin' on with the barn?"

Glenn swallowed and I could audibly hear it. His Adam's apple bobbing like it was attached to a bungee cord. "Well, you see..." He looked at Dale and he nodded. "You–you can't tell anyone, not yet. I'm gonna tell them, um, tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay..."

"The barn is full of walkers."

My heart skipped a nauseating beat. A sense of dread filling me straight through the marrow of my bones to my gut. But it wasn't just dread, it was something else, like this knowing that something terrible would happen and I'd be the one to do it. It was almost prophetic.

"It's what?"

"It's full of walkers."

"Are you sure?"

Glenn nodded. "I saw them myself."

I shook my head slowly, trying not to get angry because we should've known about this. It should've been addressed days ago, if not when we first arrived. "How long have you known?"

"A day."

"Okay, okay," I said with another nod. The walkers were there for a reason, I could tell that from everything here. They wouldn't be in the barn in the first place, locked away, if not for a reason. "Why're they there?"

"Hershel, he sees them as people," said Dale. "I spoke to him earlier today. He thinks they're only sick."

"So...we can't kill them."

Dale and Glenn nodded.

"He'll think we're murdering them," said Glenn.

"But we know if we tell the others, Shane will..." I shook my head, rubbing my forehead. It felt like my brows had been creased for years.

"I know," whispered Glenn, sitting down to put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. The weight of the secret had been carrying on his shoulders, I could see in the way his neck was tense, his knees shaking. "He'll want us to clear it out and then Hershel will kick us out."

"We don't know that, son," said Dale. "Rick might be able to reason with him."

"If you weren't able to reason with him you really think Rick will?" I asked, shaking my head with another scoff. "He could use Lori as a negotiation tool but that's about it."

"You know, too?" asked Glenn, his eyes perking up. "That she's, you know?"

I nodded. "It's obvious."

"Obvious?"

Dale put a hand on Glenn's shoulder with a soft sigh. "One day, you'll recognize the signs too."

"Hey, hey," I murmured, "our sweet Glenn is a kid, who the hell would he–" My mouth fell open and Glenn's face got red. He held out his hands, shaking them but I pointed at him with a laugh, and it felt good to laugh, as I said, "The farmer's daughter."

"We're, like, getting away from the point here," stuttered Glenn. "If I tell them tomorrow, we're gonna be back on the road by the end of the night."

"Maybe not," said Dale. "We got to keep our hopes up here, people."

"Not if Shane's going to go off the rails," I muttered. "We know how he is. He'll march right up to that barn and open the gates of hell himself."

"Then we'll need to stop him if he does."

"How?" whispered Glenn.

"Sam can," said Dale and I shook my head.

"He won't listen to me and you know it."

Dale gave me a long look and I felt a heat rush to my chest. "I'd say he might."

I shook my head again. I felt disoriented, like there was a problem one after the other. Wasn't it just yesterday I was pulling Daryl up a goddamn mountain? And today, there was Shane and a barn full of walkers? "He'll kill them, he'll kill them all, Dale."

"Then we have to show Hershel why they need to die."

"You know he won't listen to reason. Who's in there, anyway? His sister? His child?"

"Maggie's step-mom and step-brother," said Glenn, rubbing his eyes. That meant it was Hershel's wife, Beth's brother and mother. "Annette and Shawn. His neighbors are there, too. He thinks...god," he let out a soft laugh, "he really believes he's gonna cure them one day, that they'll get better."

"Does he not know they're dead?" I asked. "They're full of rot, not even something living could survive that."

If only you had Jenner's technology, his videos, his experiments, his wife.

"When you tell them tomorrow, Glenn," I murmured, rubbing my neck slowly, "we've got to start damage control immediately. Shane's going to go off, he's going to want us to open the gates the second he finds out. We've got to be smart about this."

A part of me didn't think any of it was going to go smoothly because that knowing feeling was making home in my gut. It was curling its tail around itself, burrowing deeply. It knew something bad would happen, that something I would do would be the ending of it all.

I didn't think the anxiety would begin to eat me alive but it was when breakfast arrived. We all sat around in our respective seats and standing places, all eating Carol's eggs and Hershel's jerky. I couldn't stomach it, especially watching Glenn and how he kept looking back and forth between Maggie and Dale.

Everything smelled like soft breakfast, like the toasting fire. It was crackling under Carol's pan as she stirred and made sure the eggs weren't too watery. T-Dog was still waiting for his share, drinking slowly from a mug of what I could've guessed was coffee.

I had the butt of a cigarette between my lips, my second of the morning. I couldn't stop myself. The habit was coming back harder and harder, demanding I hold the pack in my pocket by my thigh. I didn't want an appetite, I didn't want to feel anything but a cloud over my head to stop what was inevitable.

Glenn stood and shuffled near the tents so he could face everyone. His hands were in his pockets. He was hunched over himself and was rubbing the side of his face when he said, "Um, guys."

Heads turned, slowly. No one knew what was coming.

"So..." His eyes found mine and I nodded, slowly. It had to be done. He needed to rip the bandage off. "The barn is full of walkers."

Silence followed. Eyes going wide, people lowering their forks and plates. Rick was the first to stand, to start walking and everyone followed swiftly behind. I walked behind with Glenn who was breathing heavily through his nose.

"You did good," I whispered and he could only nod back.

We were walking ourselves in the bloody jaws of the monster itself and the silence of our group told us as much. When we arrived at the barn, we stood huddled together at the chained doors. It was silent from what we could tell but as Shane took his daring steps further, I began to hear them.

The soft shuffling, the knocking into wooden panels, the groans.

He put his face near one of the cracks in the door, looking for the dangers that laid within. We didn't know how many were inside but from the sounds alone, I'd say around a dozen. We'd dealt with worse but we didn't need that so close to camp.

Shane flinched back when a walker hit the door and he cursed. "You cannot tell me you're alright with this," snarled Shane, running an angry hand over his head as he stalked away from the barn.

"No, I'm not," hissed Rick in a rough voice, "but we're guests here. This isn't our land."

"This is our lives!"

"Lower your voice, please," begged Glenn. He still looked queasy but it wasn't from the secret, rather it was from the walkers who were beginning to grow more restless inside.

Andrea shook her head. "We can't just sweep this under the rug."

Shane agreed. "It ain't right, not remotely." He was pacing back and forth in between the ground. "Okay, we've either got to go in there, we gotta make things right or we just got to go." He put his hat back on, turning to face Rick. "Now we have been talkin' about Fort Benning for a long time–"

Rick put his hand out. "We can't go."

"Why, Rick? Why?"

Because Lori's pregnant. Because Sophia is still missing. Because this could be home.

"Because my daughter is still out there," said Carol, stepping forward. She had her arms crossed like she needed help standing up but she wasn't crying, I'd noticed she hadn't for a while now. There was a blankness in her but it wasn't from loss, it was from grief. It was from knowing the inevitable.

"Okay," sighed Shane. He put both his hands over his face, breathing in deeply. "Okay, I think it's time that we all start to just consider the other possibility."

"Shane, stop it," I whispered from where I stood beside Rick.

"We're not leaving Sophia behind," said Rick.

Daryl stepped forward. "I'm close to finding this girl. I just found her damn doll two days ago!"

Shane shook his head. "You found her doll, Daryl. That's what you did. You found a doll."

Daryl scowled, swiping a hand through the air as he said angrily, "You don't know what the hell you're talkin' about!"

"I'm just saying what needs to be said!" Rick tried to step forward but Shane kept talking, "You get a good lead, it's in the first forty-eight hours–"

Rick tried to stop him again, tried to put a hand on his shoulder, saying, "Shane, stop!"

But once Shane got started it was hard to get him to quit. "Let me tell you something else, man." He was glaring at Daryl. "If she was alive out there and saw you comin' all methed out with your buck knife, covered in blood, she would run in the other direction!"

"Shane, you're being mean," I hissed but that didn't stop him nor Daryl who came charging forward.

Rick had to step between then as Daryl advanced, Shane trying to push them both away. There was shouting from everyone as they tried to get involved, attempting to draw both men away from the other. There were arms and elbows being thrown and Lori stepped forward, knocking Shane back with both hands and he looked down his nose at her like a bull staring at red.

"Back off," she hissed and Shane raised a finger at her, and I think, if he'd been alone, he would've raised a hand.

"Keep your hands off me," he snarled.

Shane began to walk away but Rick held his arm out, trying to stop him for the third time today. "Now just let me talk to Hershel. Let me figure it out."

Shane rounded on him, his voice a shrill yell, "What are you gonna figure out?!"

"If we're gonna stay," countered Rick. "If we're gonna clear this barn, I have to talk him into it. This is his land!"

"Hershel sees those things in there as people," said Dale. "Sick people. His wife. His stepson."

Shane looked like he could've raised both hands to Dale and estranged him as he snarled, "You knew?"

"Yesterday, I talked to Hershel."

"And you waited the night?!"

"I thought we could survive one more night. We did."

"He wasn't the only one to learn about it yesterday," I snapped, stepping in to defend Dale. "I knew and we were waiting until this morning to say something, okay? Glenn wanted to be the one to tell the group, it was his discovery, so we waited. But us waitin' didn't change anything."

"That man is crazy," snarled Shane, gesturing back towards the house. His face was getting redder the longer he stayed here. "If Hershel really thinks those things are alive or not–"

"Shut up!" I hissed, pushing on his shoulders and he spun to face me.

"He's a fucking nut-job for havin' those things in there–"

The doors of the barn creaked and groaned, banging back and forth. The walkers fingers slammed against the wood, the metal chains keeping the doors shut rattled and clanged. I could see their dead nails scratching at the wood in between the panels and the group took a collective jump back with the noise.

"Nice goin' you moron," I hissed under my breath as I met Shane's hateful glare, "you just rang the dinner bell."

The group scattered but Rick and I stayed, watching the moving doors jostle back and forth. We stood in silence, just watching and monitoring the movement inside that we could see through the splintering wood panels. Shane had headed off but told us he'd be back to watch the perimeter, which only gave us so much time to come up with a plan for Hershel.

I brought up the obvious. "You have to tell him about Lori."

Rick's head swiveled quickly to look at me. "How'd you know 'bout that?"

"She was nauseous over the smell of breakfast," I murmured with a shrug. "Not easy to misread that as a sign."

Rick rubbed his head, bending down and sitting in the grass. "He won't listen to me. He wouldn't even listen to Dale."

"She's pregnant," I whispered, careful as if someone would rush up on us and hear. "Turning her away would be murder and he knows it."

Rick threw an arm out, motioning to the barn as I sat down beside him. "He thinks those are his friends in there, his family–"

"They are," I urged. "Even when the dead rise, Rick, they're still our family. He just doesn't seem 'em as threats."

"How do we prove it to him?"

"I don't think we can." I shifted, digging my fingers into the earth and uprooting pieces of grass to play with in my hands. "You should humor him."

"I should what?"

"Do what he does," I said with a shrug. "He sees them as sick people, then you treat 'em like sick people. Go out on a run with him, capture one of those things or whatever he does to drag them back here." I tied a long piece of grass into a knot before snapping it apart. "If he sees we can understand his ways, he can start to believe we can live like that, too."

"I'm not goin' out there and–and capturin' one of those things–"

"It might be the only shot you got left." I met his eyes. "For Lori's sake."

He bowed his head, eyes closed and I watched his jaw work tightly. Oh, how I'd wished your hands had been the ones on me and not his. When he looked up, eyes narrowed from the sun, he began to nod.

When he stood, he looked down at me and said, "We best start prayin' Hershel agrees."

"Been prayin' the second we got here."

I watched him leave, stalking through the field and back towards the house. His head was down, focused. I didn't want to think about how hard he was going to have to push back against Hershel. We knew he didn't want us on his property and I had the sinking feeling that after today, that was going to be a permanent remark to send us packing.

I picked at the grass a little longer until a shadow passed over my head and sat down beside me, groaning softly. I didn't say anything to Daryl and he didn't say anything to me. We sat in silence, watching the now silent barn and picking at the grass between our feet.

When it felt like the right time to speak, I murmured, "Did you hurt yourself again?"

He grunted in response.

"What were you doin' this time?" When he didn't speak, I glanced over and smiled softly as I said, "Throwing a fit?"

He picked at the grass roughly, his lips already in a scowl before even speaking. "Carol doesn't think we're gonna find her."

I sighed, a great heave of breath leaving my chest. Hadn't I been thinking the same before all of this? "We found her doll."

"You believe we will now, too, don't you?"

I nodded, hesitant at first but nodded firmly. "I think there's a reason we found her doll and a reason we found this farm." I looked towards the barn and wondered how many dead faces we'd see when the doors finally opened. I imagined Otis, roaming around inside, banging against the walls like a ghost. "We'll find her."

"Her own mother don't think so."

"Hell, I didn't think so before, either."

He grunted again, resting his arms on his knees. "She thinks imma get hurt goin' back out."

"And she's right."

"Aren't you supposed to be on my side?"

"No," I murmured with a smile as I stood. "I'm not."

I helped him stand, even though he didn't want the help. When he was standing, looking down at me with a look I could not decipher, he muttered, "Your mom was lookin' for you but didn't want to come down near this place."

"She probably wants us to pack up and run," I said with another soft sigh. "She doesn't think this place is safe."

"It ain't. No place is ever gonna be again."

"This place could," I said, looking beyond him and at the fields. There was so much open land and it struck me for a moment how I'd never lived in a place like this and I don't think I ever will again. "If we were allowed to take care of it the way we know how."

"And how is that?"

"Better fences," I said, looking towards the tree line. "Better watch system. Guns on the property. Security measures, noise makers to alert us if something crosses the fence line and onto the property, I don't fucking know, anything other than what we got now because it's not enough."

"You ever thought you'd be here and thinkin' things like this?" he asked as he made our slow way back towards our camp in the trees.

"No," I answered honestly, "did you?"

"No."

That was all that really needed to be said.

I took Nancy out to the highway for an hour. That was all we needed for the time we had. We needed to return back to camp, prepare for our search for Sophia. Rick had scouted out a plan on the maps and we were going to head back to look, if not for Nancy begging to go out looking. I knew it wasn't for Conner the way she was pleading for a gun we would not give her.

She wanted an excuse to get off the farm and away from the ticking time bomb inside the barn. I indulged her urge to run, only to the highway.

"I don't think we're gonna find anything out here," I told her as we walked between the cars. We weren't near the huge pile up but we were close enough that the cars here were knocked into each other, wrecked and broken and leaking old oils. "We need to circle back all the way to Interstate 85, where the quarry camp had been set up."

"But we're already so far."

"That's why it'd have to be a day trip, at least," I told her as she pouted.

She had a knife strapped to her hip but I knew that would not be enough to protect her since she didn't know how to use it. She hadn't even used her gun right at target practice, she still missed her target more so than I'd liked.

"If we could just find the car," she whispered, shaking her head, "then we'd have a chance."

"You and I both know John took off on foot," I explained. "The second those bombs went off in Atlanta, he was gone."

I peered into one of the cars, spotting the wrinkled body of an old walker. It didn't move when I tapped the window and a part of me wished it had. It would've given me something to do instead of aimlessly walking through grass and old blood.

"Look," said Nancy, pointing to something up ahead. "That's what they left for Sophia."

The car had a range of supplies sitting on the hood from old gatorade, water, snacks, and survival tools like a knife, flashlight, tarp, rope. It seemed they believed she would've found her way back to the highway, which was unlikely. She'd been too lost in the woods from the way her trail scattered about.

"We shouldn't be lookin' for her," said Nancy, shaking her head as she stared at the message written on the window. "She's been gone too long to be alive still."

Sophia, stay here, we will come back every day.

"We both know it," continued Nancy, shaking her head some more as if that would make me speak. "A child gone this long, especially in a world like this..." A deep sigh escaped her and it made me want to reach out a hit her on the back of the head but I held back as she spoke some more. "Those walkers would've gotten to her by now. Children aren't quiet," she scoffed, "you never were, neither was Conner."

"She's a smart kid–"

"She got out from underneath that car and screamed," snapped Nancy. "A smart child would've stayed put, a smart child would've waited for an adult to leave first."

"She was scared, she thought she was safe–"

Like all children, naivety always came first. The belief that all things were good at heart, that nothing bad would ever harm you. The first incident never meant anything with your parents around to save you, but what happened when the world and its people turned on you? When they came after you instead of the evil they were supposed to protect you from?

"She was an idiot," snarled Nancy, her true colors screaming free. She always liked to shed her mask in private. "Her mother never prepared her for this and now look what's happened. The girl is gone. Dead, probably."

"Or she's just lost."

Nancy scoffed. "Don't tell me you're feelin' sentimental for this girl."

"We found traces of her out there," I breathed, feeling the weight of this reality come crashing down on my chest. "Her doll, the cupboard, the tracks. She's out there–"

"You're an idiot if you believe that."

"And what does that make you?" I snapped back. "A monster to believe she's already dead?" I felt my nails dig into my palms. "What've you been tellin' Carol this whole time? That we're gonna find her daughter dead in a ditch somewhere?"

Nancy frowned, looking back towards the car and its untrue message. "False hope is better than none, isn't it?"

"Is that what you've been tellin' yourself about Conner?"

"No, never!"

"But isn't it all the same?" I asked. "Sophia's missing just like him–"

"He has his father with him."

"We can only hope he stuck around long enough."

Nancy sighed but didn't argue, which surprised me. "Hopefully they found a group, like we did. That's all that I can hope for."

"You really believe that?" I know I didn't.

"No, but we gotta pray on somethin' right?"

"But not on Sophia."

"No," whispered Nancy, turning away from the car to head back down the highway. "Not for her. It's different from Conner. It's just...different."

I followed her, ax gripped loosely in my palm. I wasn't expecting anything to jump out at us but I kept the weapon out and by my side as we walked. I didn't like the idea of being out there in the first place, knowing how the herd had passed through hidden by the cars. We didn't know what else could be lurking.

"You didn't think she was alive before all this, so why start now?" asked Nancy, glancing at me over her shoulder.

Her hair was braided today, one long braid down her back with curls framing her face. It almost seemed like she got up early to dress herself, to make herself look presentable for the old farmer and his family.

"Because if we don't have faith in her then there's nothing left to have faith in," I said in a soft voice, feeling stupid. "She's just a kid and if we can't believe she's alive, that the world is good enough to spare her, then what's the point to all of this?"

"There's no hope in any of this," she whispered, her arms wrapped around herself. She looked feeble, like she was trying to seem smaller than she was. "If the C.D.C. couldn't help us, then what can? Findin' some little girl won't change the fact that in this world, we're screwed."

She was right, and I never thought I'd agree with her. This world was made to break and kill the weak and Sophia, out there all alone, was as weak as they come. She sacrificed her doll, and what little girl would let go of something as treasured as that if she wasn't already dead? Carol was starting to believe and Nancy was preaching it. That little girl was dead, or so far gone we'd never find her.

"We can't keep searchin' out there," said Nancy, kicking at an old soiled shirt left on the ground. "We have to go back up to Interstate 85 if we're gonna find anythin'."

"Didn't John have any places he'd go to?" I asked. "Any friends houses? Strip clubs? That old radio shack he'd get holed up in for those poker nights?"

"Those were in town but..." She shook her head, her cheeks flushed from the summer sun. Not long from now, the seasons would change and winter would come charging. "You were there, weren't you? When you were comin' home?"

I nodded. I'd seen how the city had fallen, the small towns weren't long to follow. "If I could get a group, go scouting–"

"We can't. Not now." Nancy was scowling, kicking at the shirt harder than before until it splayed across the ground, brown and molding. "Not until that little girl is either found dead or alive." She motioned with me to follow her back to the truck we'd taken. "Let's head back, there's no point in searchin' for a ghost out here any longer."

We trailed back to the truck and I got behind the wheel, I took a moment to stare out at the crowded lanes and the rusting cars that would rot here until the world finally stopped spinning. Everything was so quiet out here when it was once a race track carrying families to vacations and people to work and home. We were all going somewhere but now we were trapped, forever stuck in time. Nothing would ever change and nothing would ever get better.

When we arrived back on the farm, I almost wished we hadn't come back so soon. The group was huddled together by the front porch, Shane passing out guns like they were going to war.

I jumped out of the car, slamming the door shut as I snarled out, "Hey! What the hell is goin' on here?!"

Shane turned, sweat glistening off his red face. "We're taking action, sweetheart."

"Like hell we are!"

"We thought this place was safe," he snapped, "and it ain't, Sam. We gotta protect what's ours."

"This place isn't ours!" I countered, looking at the people I'd lived with and the guns in their hands. "We don't have the right to go charging in there, not without Hershel's per–"

"So, we're what?!" He was near shouting and spitting in my face. "Supposed to wait until those walls can't hold 'em any longer? Until there's one in our beds, in our tents, tryin' to kill us?!"

"My dad will make you leave tonight, Shane," hissed Maggie. "He told you he didn't want guns on the property and if go shooting up that barn–"

"We're doing this to protect you," he snapped back. "To protect your family, your sister. You're tellin' me you wouldn't fight to protect yours?"

He was holding a small gun in his hands, holding it out towards Carl and I slapped at his forearm. "Don't you dare give him that."

"He's gotta learn to protect his family," said Shane, narrow eyed and glaring. "He's gotta protect this land and his mother."

"Rick said no guns," hissed Lori, stepping between him and Carl. "This is not your call. This is not your decision to make." She looked like she was going to say more when T-Dog let out a large breathy noise.

"Holy shit."

All heads turned, searching for what he was looking for and when we saw it, a collective silence fell over us. Jimmy was leading Rick and Hershel out from the tree-line, closest to the barn. Shane didn't waste a second before sprinting down the driveway, shouting, "What is that? What is that?!"

Rick and Hershel were guiding walkers, using control poles you'd see be used on wild animals. On beasts. On something primal, something uncontrollable.

I didn't hesitate in running after Shane, catching quick speed on the dirt road towards the barn, already snatching at his arms to rear him back. He threw open the gate and tried to shake me off as he snarled at Rick, "What the hell are you doing?!"

Rick was struggling to keep his walker. "Shane, just get back–"

"Why do your people have guns?" asked Hershel, looking towards Rick who was just as oblivious to the situation as we were.

Soon enough, everyone was on this side of the fence, near the barn enclosure. Shane circled the three men who'd come with the walkers, stalking and marching heavily as he cursed and shouted.

"Are you kidding me? You see? You see what they're holdin' on to?!" He was pointing, raving. He was trying to make his point known to the scared faces of Hershel's children, of Patricia, of Carl and Lori.

"I see who I'm holding on to!" countered Hershel as Shane laughed.

"No, man, you don't!"

The walker in Rick's possession jerked and I could see the way he was trying to hold on tightly to the bucking creature. "Shane, just let us do this and then we can talk!"

Daryl had his rifle up and aimed towards the walker's head as Shane circled. The police officer waved a hand in the air and snarled, "What you want to talk about, Rick? These things ain't sick! They're not people. They're dead!" He turned his back to the barn to face everyone. "Ain't gonna feel nothing for them 'cause all they do, they kill! These things right here!"

"They're people to him, Shane!" I shouted, holding an arm out to stop Nancy from getting any closer to the scene. "They're his family!"

"Those things killed Amy!" snarled Shane and Andrea took a step back in shock at hearing her sister's name. "They killed Otis!" My mouth fell open. "They're gonna kill all of us!"

I found Beth standing not too far from me and I took her hand softly in mine, pulling her closer. She was shaking, her mouth pulled back in shock.

"Shane, shut up!" Rick howled.

I kept Beth close to me. No child should have to face their own mortality so early on in life. And I knew what was going to happen. I knew what Shane was going to do. "Go back to the house, Beth, take Patricia and go back to the house–"

"Hey, Hershel, man, let me ask you something," Shane's voice was more controlled and that made me more scared. He pulled his gun free from his waistband, turning the safety off, cocking the weapon. "Could a living breathing person walk away from this?" His gun went off, three times, and the backside of the female walker exploded in chunks of red blood.

Beth flinched and I held her closer. She gripped my arms and I tried to shield her more with my body so she wouldn't have to see the walker still trying to fight off the control pole, desperate to reach Shane.

"Stop it!"

"That's three rounds," hissed Shane, "in the chest. Could someone who's alive, could they just take that?! Why's it still comin'?!" He raised his gun and fired again, each round making Beth flinch. "That's its heart! Its lungs! Why is it still coming!?"

The walker bounded back only a few steps. It would've been taken to the ground if not for Hershel still controlling it with the pole. The walker's dress was riddled with holes, all bleeding and oozing, but she still fought back.

"Shane, enough."

"Yeah, man," said Shane, glaring at Rick as he stalked forward. "You're right. That is enough."

He pressed his gun forward and shattered the walker's skull with a single bullet. Its body bent awkwardly at the back, arching like a dying animal as it tried to free itself one last time, before crumpling to the ground.

Hershel stumbled forward, dropping to a knee as the walker sprawled out for everyone to see. It felt like a deafening silence was building up, a silence so potent that one would begin to hear a faint ringing in their ears.

"Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's gone!" said Shane, speaking directly towards Carol before turning on a heel and stalking towards the barn doors. "Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us! Enough!" His eyes found Rick's when he turned. "Rick, it ain't like it was before! Now if y'all want to live, if you want to survive, you gotta fight for it!"

His voice was shrill and he moved dramatically, throwing a hand down as he spoke. The tension was building and I could feel it try to crawl out of my throat. The people on the farm didn't know how to protect themselves, they barely knew how to shoot a gun properly.

"I'm talking about fighting right here, right now!"

Shane spun around and charged towards the barn as Rick tried to pass off the walker to Hershel, hissing, "Take the snare pole! Hershel, Hershel, take the snare pole!" He was looking back and forth between the old man and Shane, who was picking up a pickaxe and cracking it against the lock and chains on the doors. "Hershel, listen to me, man! Take it!"

"Beth, get back with Patricia," I hissed. I looked at Nancy and she nodded, taking the girl from my arms and dragging her back towards the other woman and Carol.

Shane slammed the pickaxe against the door, rattling wood and shaking chains. I pulled my ax from my waistband as Rick howled for Hershel but he wouldn't move. He was stuck, frozen in time, frozen in a collective horror.

"No, Shane! Do not do this, brother! Wait!"

"Don't do it!" screamed Glenn as Lori yelled her husband's name.

"This is not the way!" Rick was screaming, red in the face, desperate but Shane was pulled the wood slab free from the doors.

Lori and Andrea were screaming for Rick but the walker was still fighting in his hands. I swung my ax back and slammed it into the walker's skull, sending it to its knees and then face down in the dirt.

I raced forward, ready to drag Shane to the ground as he broke the lock. "Shane, stop it! Shane–"

The doors pushed outward and walkers came slipping out from the crack. I spun on my heel and pointed to Maggie, "Get them out of here, now! Maggie, get them all out of here!"

She pulled on her father's shoulders but he was dumbstruck. A vacant, watery look in his eyes as the first few walkers came out of the barn.

Andrea ran up to Shane's side as he began to fire. The walkers all looked like they'd come from around here, from around the homes we'd searched through. Wearing overalls and sundresses, light and fun colored outfits only a farmer's daughter or wife would wear, or a ranch hand.

Soon, Daryl was coming up quickly with his shotgun, firing a round into a walker's stomach and then its skull. T-Dog was next, circling around Rick to come running to help.

"This is not the way!" I screamed as another walker fell. We were disrespecting Hershel, his family. We were killing people he loved, it shouldn't have been us. This was not our kills to make.

Glenn looked to Maggie for reassurance and she nodded for him to join the others as she sobbed against her father's back. I made sure Nancy and Patricia had Beth, that Lori had Carl safely behind her as I turned to watch the bodies drop.

"The guns will attract more!" I hissed towards Rick as he stumbled towards me. "We're wasting ammunition!"

"They won't stop," he snarled, his tone not directed towards me but his friend who'd started it all. "We have to kill them–"

"Do not shoot unless the shot is accurate!" I howled as more bullets rained through chests and shoulders. "Don't shoot unless it's a direct shot!"

The amount of ammunition we were wasting, bullet casings littering the ground at their feet. We wouldn't be able to find more of this out there in the real world. We wouldn't be able to protect ourselves if we used it all up on walkers we shouldn't have been taking out–

You're a moron to be thinking this way. You're just as much of an idiot as Hershel.

The last few walkers fell and all we could hear were the soft sobs behind us and our heavy breathing. The bodies piled up near the doors, rot swamping through the air. It was thick and heavy, both the smell of the decay and the gunfire. Metallic and wrong.

"You're a monster," I whispered towards Shane, shaking my head as he turned to face us. "You're a goddamn m–"

A groan from inside the barn stopped me. It was soft, curling and cooing. It was so gentle, like it wasn't supposed to be there at all. I could see movement and I stepped forward, my hand out towards Rick as the shadow moved again, this time closer to the doors.

The body came slinking out, hands curling and uncurling into clawing fists. Its eyes were downcast, searching the ground before looking up and gazing over us like a hungry meal. My breath stuttered in my chest and a half breath left my lips like a choke.

Carol let out a sob. "Sophia? Sophia? Oh–oh–" Daryl caught her around the waist before she could go running towards her daughter. "Sophia. Sophia."

The bite in her shoulder was exposed and raw, her skin puckered and red around the wound. It had stopped bleeding a long time ago, days perhaps. The flesh itself was dark, the blood a rotten color against her dirtied shirt. I couldn't tell how long she'd been in the barn but from the sight of the wound, it would seem she'd been there the entire time. Since she'd been missing. Since she'd run off.

The little girl stumbled her way through the path of bodies. Her jaw ticked from side to side as she growled, throaty and rough.

Nobody but Rick moved. I watched him walk forward, pulling his gun from his waistband and it took everything in me to start walking too. I caught him by the wrist, pulling him back. I shook my head when he looked at me, tears blinking away in his eyes.

"No," I whispered and he could only look into my eyes, reading what I wasn't saying. Let me shoulder this burden. Let me take this pain from you. He gave me a small nod before putting his gun back into his holster. 

I dropped his wrist, stepping in front of him as I pulled my gun out and raised it up and towards the little girl who was getting closer and closer. My hand wobbled only for a second as I waited for her, her little arm reaching upward and out towards me. 

Reaching for some peace, reaching for the end.

I pulled the trigger and watched her fall in a shower of her own blood. I pulled the trigger and saw my brother's face. Dead and gone, all far too soon.

AUTHOR'S NOTE━━yes sorry for lack of updates <33 finals are done so im getting back into a writing routine rn!!!

pls pls let me know ur thoughts....crazy things happened in the first part of the chap if u know what i mean ;) (but it is a good or bad thing) also....rip sophia.....

this is how i felt when i watched this ep for the first time:

rick when shane was going crazy:

pls pls pls remember to vote/comment or sam will never kiss anyone ever again <333