≻───── ⋆FOUR⋆ ─────≺

𝐈𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐃𝐍'𝐓 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐋 we saw the box truck come up behind us on the highway. We slowed just enough for them to see us before I stuck my head out the window and saw Rick behind the wheel. I stuck my tongue out at him and held up my middle finger before Glenn pressed on the gas so hard the tires squealed as he shouted something between the lines of "hell yeah" and "woohoo!"

Glenn took us further down the highway until we got off at an exit I didn't recognize. He pulled off onto a small dirt road, slowing the car down significantly as we bounded over rock and thick gravel.

I didn't recognize the area, but I didn't expect myself too. I'd only ever ventured out so far during my time in Atlanta and then when I went to college and then, well, I met Him. I'd lived in a small apartment in Virginia, one that I thought we had shared together if not for the frequent nights and days he spent away. I'd assumed, stupidly, it was because of his job but did I even know what he did, honestly? 

I let my thoughts of Him drift away as the car slowed even more as we neared a clearing. Right off the bat, I could see an RV and few other cars and tents. At the sound of the car, people began to stir within the camp and once Glenn stopped the car and turned it off, there was a small group of people standing before us. At the sight of all of them, it made my heart skip a nervous beat. I'd been alone for majority of the downfall and in the matter of two days I'd found myself with more people than I'd care to be around but I knew that this would keep me safe, even though it made my heart and gut heavy.

Glenn jumped got out of the car as a man approached us with a rifle slung over his shoulder. Glenn grinned as I slowly opened my door and got out, leaning against the door because I didn't know these people. I didn't know who they were and what they were capable of, which was probably what they were thinking of me too. I needed Rick at my side, he would be a stranger beside me, he'd know what I was feeling and he was better with people. 

"The other's are coming up soon," reassured Glenn. "We're all safe!"

An older man with a bucket hat on his head and wearing an old Hawaiian button up came to stand besides the man with the gun. "Where'd you find this car, son? It's in one hell of a good condition."

Glenn jerked his thumb back and pointed at me. "Sam found it, wicked cool right?" He glanced back at me and offered a small smile as if to tell me this was okay, these people would protect me. "She saved our asses back there, same with her friend, Officer Friendly."

"Officer Friendly?" asked the first man with the gun. I felt his eyes go to me and I stared back unblinking. He was trying to intimidate me but I refused to allow him that satisfaction of my eyes drifting away. I'd stared down too many horrible men to back away from one now. He was handsome, though, I'd admit it. He had a full head of brown hair and a sharp jaw to match his sharper eyes. If I wasn't mistaken, I'd guess he was a cop just like Rick was. He wore a dark button up that he left the first four buttons undone to reveal a broad chest and dark chest hair. He was sweating, as everyone was, but he made it look hot in this terrible rugged way that made something in my gut spin.

"And you trust them, this Sam and Friendly?" asked the older man with a skeptical eye in a lowered voice. He had white hair and scruffy beard, reminding me of someone's grandfather.

Glenn nodded, quickly. "They're both good with guns, I'd say expertly trained." He looked at me and his eyes tricked down to my waistband and he smiled again. "They were both cops."

"Cops?" asked the man with the rifle, his eyes drifting down to where Glenn had been looking moments before as I finally shut the car door and stepped away from my shield. "What station?"

I crossed a protective arm around myself. There was a something about this man I didn't exactly trust but I couldn't put my finger on it. "I was a little ways out of Atlanta." It was the best I could come up with.

He narrowed his eyes. "You sure she's a cop, Glenn?"

Glenn nodded again. "You should've seen her out there, had Merle on the ground faster than you could tell him to shut it." At the mention of Merle, Glenn's smile dropped for a second but he was interrupted from his thoughts as the rumble of a car engine came up the path behind us.

I turned, watching the truck roll to a stop on the path as the hatch in the back of the truck was released and Andrea jumped out. She went running up the path and smiled as she saw who she was looking for.

"Amy!"

A beautiful blonde girl came rushing out of the small group huddled together and the two women collided in a hug. From both of their looks, I'd say they were sisters. They both had the same blonde hair and soft faces, although Andrea was sharper than Amy. 

At the sight, it made my heart flutter with excitement that we really made it out. I'd seen the way the walkers had surrounded us and it seemed so pointless to even fight them all but here we all were. I made a move to step around the car and head to Rick when the man with the rifle stepped in front of me, halting me.

I glared at him but didn't get the chance to snap at him when I heard a young boy cry out, "Dad! Dad!" A young boy with brown hair and soft round face went sprinting forward as Rick got out of the truck and began to run forward.

The young boy, Carl, jumped into his father's arms and clung to his as Rick sobbed, clutching him to his chest as he stumbled forward as a beautiful woman with long brown hair raced forward. 

"Lori," cried Rick as the woman clung to his side as their family reunited and I felt emotion surge up to my eyes. He'd been so desperate to find them and I couldn't image the luck he'd have arriving here and there they were. 

The man with the rifle took me by the shoulder, knocking me from my thoughts and rising emotions at the sweetness before me. My head snapped to look at him and I glared as he said to me, "You're not really a cop, are you?" He let his eyes slowly travel down my body before meeting my eyes once again. "I'd say you stole that badge, am I right?"

"I didn't steal anything," I snapped back, jutting my chin up to glare harder. He was looking at me like I was some kid who'd just got caught shop lifting and in a way, I felt like one too. I opened my mouth to snap back that this was mine, that he knew nothing about me, when Rick spoke instead.

"Shane, oh my god."

The man, Shane, turned and gave Rick a huge smile. He stalked forward and took Rick by the shoulder and brought him into a hug. When they pulled apart, Rick clapped both hands on Shane's face with a grin as Shane said, "I promised to keep them safe."

Rick nodded, wiping tears from his face. "And you did." He looked past his friend and spotted me and he sighed deeply, one of relief. "And you must've just met Sam. Shane, this is Sam. She...well, she saved my life."

I gave him a small smile even though there was this strange ache in my chest that kept repeating, he's not yours anymore, he's not yours anymore. "You can call me your hero, Rick, it's okay. We all know what you think of me."

He rolled his eyes but let out a soft laugh. "Outlaw axman, yes. Hero, maybe." He kept a hand on Shane's shoulder as Carl ran up to lean against his father's side as he looked at me shyly. "Shane and I worked together before all this–"

"Shane Walsh, sheriff's deputy," he said proudly, still looking at me down his nose like I was nothing special and god he was right.

"And this," murmured Rick, dropping his hand from Shane to put focus on the boy, "is my son, Carl."

I stepped forward before dropping into a crouch to meet the boys eyes. I gave him a soft smile and had the urge to run my hands over his face, to memorize just how young and childlike he still was. "It's so nice to meet you," I whispered, feeling this horrible emotion crawl up my throat not of relief or joy but of something lost between longing and forgetting. "I'm Sam, I've heard so much about you."

"Hi," he said with a toothy grin. 

He was just a kid, he was just a kid–

"Lori!" called Rick, waving the woman over who was staring at her husband and son with such a miffed look that she couldn't believe he was alive and they were whole again. She wiped her cheeks and nodded, stepping forward with a light smile. "This is my wife."

I stood slowly and brushed my hands off on my pants before holding my hand out for her to shake. "Hey, it's so nice to finally meet–"

She surged forward and took me into her arms, her hands clutching at my back as she sobbed softly. "Thank you so much for–for bringing him home to us."

I nodded, surprised as I slowly enclosed my arms around her. I patted her back gently before pulling away. "He didn't make it easy."

She chuckled, wiping at her cheeks again. "He never does."

Shane put a hand on his hip as he studied me once Lori stepped back to be in her husband's arm. His eyes were fixating on me like I was a suspect but hadn't I proven myself enough? I'd brought back the beloved father, the man they surely all thought was dead and gone. I'd brought back an angel and I was still under review. When Shane spoke, he surprised me with a kindness in his voice.

"Are you Nancy Garrett's daughter?"

My brows furrowed instantly and the only word that could escape me was, "Huh?"

"Nancy Garrett–" His voice went out one ear and out the other like static. He was speaking in white noise and a sweat was building up across my cheeks and I thought if he kept going, I'd pass out. I'd pass the fuck out– 

"Huh?"

Shane's brows furrowed deeply. "Sam, we got a woman here by the name of Nancy Garrett, she said she's got a daughter, Samantha."

My mouth was dry and I sucked on my tongue desperately for something to feel. I could feel my heart up in my throat like a creature trying to tear its way free. It needed release, it needed escape, it needed something cold and dark to hide.

"Let me go get her," said Shane and I noticed the way Rick motioned with his head for him to leave. "I'll be right back."

"Can you grab a bag from the truck?" whispered Rick to Lori. "And bring it here?" 

The woman nodded and took Carl with her to go retrieve it as I stumbled to the side to rest against the hood of the car. I sucked in a deep breath, pressing a hand to my chest to stop the nerves. Shane didn't mention anything about John or Conner but if Nancy was here, that could only mean the worst had happened and I had been right.

But I didn't want to be right.

"Sam, hey," whispered Rick, coming to stand beside me, "this is a good thing, right?"

I looked up to meet his eyes and said, "What?" I was breathless and I couldn't help but look past his shoulder and see if Shane had returned with the woman. Conner wasn't here and the thought was running through my head before I'd even found out whether or not it was true. 

"This is good," said Rick, "your mom being here."

"Is it, though?" I breathed, shaking my head softly. I couldn't face her, I couldn't let her see me like this but what exactly was I trying to hide? I hadn't seen her for so long, this felt like some long dreaded reunion only meant to have after death. I couldn't face her with all these people who thought I was brave, who thought I was someone so much more important than I actually was. With my mother, I was just a little girl hiding behind the leg of her father. I was nothing to her but a facade for a fake family and fake dreams and love. 

Rick shook his head softly and let out a laugh. "Who would've thought we'd have found our families here? Together?" He was too far in his own delusional happiness to see the panic stricken my body. He would notice once his joy faded and it became normal again but his eyesight was clouded and I was left to force air into my lungs or else I'd topple over and asphyxiate on my own anxiety.

Shane came back up the path down towards the tents and campfire and even beyond that I could see a lake but I was letting myself be distracted my surroundings instead of the woman that followed him. I pushed away from the car and past Rick even though my legs felt like jelly and in seconds I would fall over and hopefully bang my head on a rock and fall into deep unconsciousness. 

Nancy Garrett was a woman hardened by the years of marriage to John. Her youth hadn't spared her any curtesy or warnings to her aging. She was still beautiful in a way that told you she'd seen more than you could ever imagine, she was hardened by her own trauma. She had blonde hair like mine and while she usually wore it up and away from her face, it hung down by her shoulders. It was shorter than the last time I'd seen her.

When her eyes settled on me, her expression changed in a second. Whatever she had been feeling before vanished and her mouth fell open as she raised her hands to her lips with a gasp.

"Oh my god," she breathed, taking a step forward slowly and then another which turned into another and another and I was feeling sick. "I thought you were dead."

She wrapped her arms around me and I couldn't find the urge to raise my own arms around her. I could barely breathe without a hitch in my throat. This was the most affection I'd received from her in years, which was saying a lot from the subtle smiles and the awkward glances she'd give me out of pity when John would get too out of hand. Even when she'd sit in my room and cry, there was no true affection there. It was just a place to cry knowing that I wouldn't do or say anything about it.

When she pulled away, she touched my face, her eyes marveling over my features. Her hands were sickly warm against me. "We tried to get in touch but–but we didn't have your new phone number."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't even find it in myself to nod. This felt like some act she was putting on for the others and it made me want to pull away from her entirely, to wash and scrub at my skin until the tainted feeling left.

"We wanted to stay," she whispered, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, "we hoped you would've come home but things...things got too dangerous to stay. John needed to find more ammo, he wanted to keep us safe so we had to leave." She was just justifying not waiting for me. She was just trying to find the right in all her wrongs. "Did you go home?"

This time, I forced myself to nod. "Month or so ago." 

Her brows furrowed and something crossed over her face I didn't recognize. Was it remorse? Regret? "We left right when the news started to report. Maybe...maybe seventeen days in." 

It was hard to focus on what she was saying when all I could see was her mouth moving and my thoughts conjuring new hells to focus on instead. Nancy backhanding me in the kitchen because I'd eaten one of the cupcakes she'd made for her bookclub girls. Nancy reprimanding me for tracking mud in the house. Nancy crying at the kitchen table after overcooking John's steak. Nancy handing me Conner so I could change his diaper while she went to the store to get John his favorite beer.

Was she a victim, too? Was she like me but corrupted over time and forced to play out a role to save her own life?

"I–I wanted to stay," Nancy said with a wobble in her lower lip as I stared down at her. "I didn't want to leave incase–" She shook her head. "–incase you came home." She dropped her hands from my face, moving to smooth out the hem of my shirt. "Why didn't you stay with that man you were seeing?"

I would never tell her the truth. She'd say she was right all along about him, that I could never have found something good with a man like that. I pressed my lips firmly together before finally speaking. "I came home for Conner." She looked up with a quick jerk of her head, brows raising in defeated shock. "Where is he?"

Where is he? Where is he? Mother, where did you take him? What did you do to him? Mother, please, where is he? I'm begging, please, where is he? Where is my baby brother?

Nancy swallowed loudly, her hands coming up to rest on my shoulders as if to brace herself. She shuddered and bowed her head and began to cry.

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he–

When she looked up to meet my eyes, fat tears rolled down her cheeks and snot dribbled out of her nose along with spit from her mouth as she sobbed. She shook her head furiously, choking on her desperate words. "We–we got separated–on the highway. Oh, darlin' I'm–I'm so sorry, we–we got–" She shook her head even more and it was all I could do not to push her away from me and demand how she could've let them go. How she could've possibly take her eyes off of him, he was still just a kid.

"When the military took over the city," murmured Lori from behind me in a soft voice, "it was horrible. We could barely get off the highway before they sent–"

"Helicopters napalm bombed the city," Shane finished for her. "It turned to chaos."

Nancy nodded eagerly as the people helped her explain. "People got out of their cars, swarmed the roads, we got separated in–in the crowds. John was with him, he's safe with his father–"

"You really believe that?" I hissed out before I could stop myself. I tried to ease the glare in my eyes and the way my brows were furrowed tightly together in disbelief that she could put trust in her maniac husband. 

"He's safe, we'll find them," said Nancy which only sounded like she was trying to reassure herself and not me. "John would never hurt him–" She shook her head. "John would never let him get hurt," she corrected herself.

Conner alone with John would be a disaster. It would only be a matter of hours before John got annoyed and left him somewhere for the next week to fend for himself. He was just fourteen, he couldn't do all this by himself. He wasn't strong enough. 

"I'm so happy you're safe," whispered Nancy, bringing me into another tight hug as she spoke into my ear, "I'm just so relieved."

I nodded slowly before pulling myself from her and muttering a quick excuse to get away. "I need to–uh–grab something from the truck."

Rick had my bag but that didn't mean I couldn't go behind the truck to have a moment to myself. I peeled myself away from Nancy entirely and gave her a forced smile before quickly walking past Rick and his family, keeping my head down so they wouldn't see the frustrated look on my face or the tears in my eyes.

I got behind the truck just in time for my breath to hitch loudly and tears to cascade down my face. I never wanted to come here and find Nancy. I never wanted it to be her that I found amongst all these people. The only one I wanted to find was Conner and he was lost somewhere with John and that thought alone sent my heart racing up to my throat.

I pressed my nails into my palms to stop the ache spreading in my chest as I heaved out my quiet sobs. When not even the pain in my hands could stop the tears, I clutched at my chest and wished I had claws to tear into my flesh and bone. I needed to relieve the pain, the horribleness spreading through me like a long term infection searching for my heart to poison.

Conner was gone. He was gone. He wouldn't survive with John. 

I struck my hand out against the truck to steady myself as I stared at the ground to force the air through my nose and out of my mouth. I focused on one of the larger rocks, keeping my attention there as I tried to calm down but it felt like years of torment had landed on my shoulders with the realization that Conner was just as doomed as I in this world because of this life but he stood no chance. I'd lived more than he had, I'd gotten out and found myself but he had nothing. 

He could only base his experiences on the one around him and those were circled by deep aches caused only by family. 

When I could breathe properly again, I wiped at my face and leaned against the truck to look out into the trees. We were safe here but I didn't know for how long, especially with the city not too far behind. These thoughts distracted me from my personal issues and they were thoughts I could easily get behind.

I wasn't alone for long and I swallowed my hate as Nancy took a seat in the truck's cargo hold next to me. She looked so small with her feet dangling off the ground, almost like she was just some kid.

We sat in silence for a few minutes before she spoke. "You have your father's gun, the one he lost all those years ago."

My hand went to the gun in my holster and I nodded.

"You were smart," she whispered in a voice I didn't recognize that could ever belong to my mom. "You learned how to protect yourself far sooner than I ever did." I felt her eyes on me and it took everything in me not to meet her gaze. I was trained to meet her eyes, to meet everyone's eyes when greeting them or speaking. It was polite. It was right. "Conner will be safe."

"How do you know?" I asked, crossing my arms. 

This time I looked at her and caught her shrugged before she said, "He wouldn't let him die."

I scoffed, shaking my head. "You clearly have more faith in that man than I do."

"It's the only way I can sleep at night."

"I didn't think you ever could."

Nancy shook her head before shrugging again. "It's harder without the wine."

"I'm sure a lot of things are now," I murmured, remembering how she'd sit in the living room with a glass of red in her hands or a glass of white at the kitchen table as she scheduled out her day. 

Nancy looked at me and held out her hand and I glanced down at her open faced palm and wondered how good it would feel to slice my dull knife in between her tendons and flesh, as if that would bound her to her awful truths. Instead, I reached out and took hold of her hand because she was my mom and I hated myself more than her.

"We'll find him," she said to me, squeezing my hand. "We will find him and we'll leave John behind, okay?"

My brows furrowed.

"We leave him behind, for good."

"You mean it?" I don't trust you, I never have.

She nodded. "He was meant for this world but not for us."

I nodded back and let her hold my hand as we looked up the long path back towards the roads. It was easier for us not to speak, to just exist with each other but Nancy loved to talk and when she spoke again, I wanted to curl my nails into the side of her hand.

"Did that man hurt you? Is that why you left?"

I shook my head, lying. "It was time for me to get Conner, that was all."

"He could've protected you," she continued. "He could've kept you safe through all of this."

I shook my head again. "I'm safer on my own, you know that."

"Then why come here?" she asked with a frown before pulling her hand back from mine so I could sit in the truck next to her. "Why follow Lori's husband into the city?"

"I had to leave the house," I said. "In order to find Conner, I had to leave."

Nancy frowned. "You were never good with other's sweetheart, it surprises me you just up and left with some stranger."

"And you didn't do the same the second you lost Conner?"

"That's not the same."

"Isn't it?"

Nancy scowled. "When did you learn to talk back? Where did this attitude come from? It was that man who had you wrapped around his finger, wasn't it?"

I let her comment roll off my back. It was easy for us to have a soft moment but it was always followed by some comment, for some thing to tear it all down. "He had nothin' to do with anything. He loved me."

"He just wanted some young pussy," snapped Nancy and there was anger in her eyes, resentment perhaps, before it dissolved and her features eased and she sighed, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, it's just...you and I, we've never had a good relationship. It's hard...being a mother again."

I didn't say anything, just let my eyes follow the sun in the sky as it slowly began its long descent behind the trees. It would be a few hours from now before the sky would turn black and I welcomed that darkness, the quiet that would follow. 

"How about I introduce you to the others?" asked Nancy, scooting off her seat and standing before me. "You should meet the strangers who you'll be forced to share tents with, don't you think?"

I only nodded and allowed her to parade me around. It was so easy to slip into our old roles from when I was a kid. The way she'd usher me from one face to another, introducing me as a doting daughter who was spoiled and trying to learn how to be a proper girl. That meant shaking the man from down the street's hand and pretending to be this sweet young thing being polite when he didn't creep you out or always slip a candy into your back pocket when you weren't paying attention. 

I ended up formally meeting Dale, the man who'd approached Glenn and I when we arrived. He was the owner of the beautiful RV which he shared with Andrea and her sister Amy. Then there was Carol and her family. Carol was quiet when Nancy introduced us and the man behind her stood over her in a similar way John would us. He was tall and burly with a scowl permanently stretched across his lips.

Ed Peletier was an ugly man inside and out and it didn't take an idiot to find that out. The only good thing about him was his kind wife and his adorable daughter, Sophia. From then I met a man named Jim who had a squirrelly way about him but he was kind, and I met the rest of Morales family. There were others scattered about with their own private families and wasn't a part of the main circle who Nancy didn't bother introducing me too.

The group was larger than I had expected and a part of me was worried being apart of something so grand. It could be a potential risk being involved with so many people. If one was to get infected and not tell the others, we'd be screwed. There were more people to scream and cry, more people to die.

We sat around a large fire that night, Nancy glued to one side as I sat besides Glenn. He had whispered to me and led me around once Nancy detached herself from me long enough so I could get away. He explained how tomorrow would be a problem for us since Merle's little brother Daryl was out hunting and would return sometime tomorrow. 

"They're hotheads," whispered Glenn as the fire crackled before us. I'd gotten him back on the topic of the Dixon brothers because it seemed I'd need a good prepping if I was going to deal with Daryl when he returned and found out I helped handcuff him to a roof in Atlanta. "Total rednecks."

"As if we aren't too?" I murmured and Glenn rolled his eyes and nudged me with his elbow.

"They're the worst of the worst," he said. "But Daryl...he's quiet, definitely not as rude as Merle. It's just, when he finds out we left him, he's going to be pissed."

I chewed on my lip and wished I'd been able to find chapstick somewhere in the department store but I'd been a little too preoccupied. "You know he'll probably make you all go back for him."

"You really think I'm going to risk my life for Merle?" Glenn scoffed.

"You'll be a hero."

"You sayin' you want to go, too?"

"Hell no," I chuckled. "I'm fine where I am now, thank you."

Dale, who'd been listening in sighed and said, "We're going to have our hands full when he comes back from his hunt."

"I chained the door," said T-Dog and I glanced over to see him roasting something over the fire. It didn't smell that good but food was food, we needed anything we could get. "The geeks aren't going to knock that chain." He looked around and sighed. "My point is that he's alive, handcuffed on the roof but alive. That's on us."

"That doesn't mean the geeks won't somehow break the doors down," said Shane. "We've all seen how destructive they can be."

"If they're able to break the glass doors at the store, they can find their way past some little chains," added Andrea in agreement.

"Then you sayin' we really go back for him?" I asked, finding the eyes of the group turn to find me amongst the firelight. "I mean...Merle's a capable guy, I'm sure he could've gotten himself out of those cuffs easily."

"Not without a key," muttered Rick. 

"And that was dropped down the drain," said Dale, eyeing T-Dog who looking down with a nervous look. 

"Don't tell me Merle didn't deserve it," I said, giving T-Dog a small smile. "He was askin' for it."

"We'll wait for Daryl to return," said Shane as he passed around a small can of something that looked like beans in the dark but it could've honestly been anything. "Then we can decide on what to do. In the meantime," Shane's eyes found mine and he gave me a little smile, "how long you been a cop, Sam?"

"A cop?" laughed Nancy with a shake of her head. "Sam could never be a cop, she ain't got the stomach for it."

"I don't know," chuckled Rick, his arm slung around Lori's shoulders, "you didn't see her out there like I did."

"You sayin' she's a good shot?" said Nancy with another chuckle. "I don't think you ever did hit the bullseye during target practice, honey."

I never wanted to give dad something to be proud of, I wanted to say but I ended with, "Guess it was just nerves then." I glanced up from my lap to meet her eyes. "You know, performance anxiety and all."

Nancy nodded. "Must be it."

I looked back towards Shane and offered him a gentle smile so he didn't hate me more. I didn't need him at my throat. "The badge was just something I picked up with Rick, though it'd be a good cover story if I ever found myself with...well, with the wrong people." I looked down to touch the little badge, running my fingers over the smoothness of the shield. "Why? You think I don't look the part?"

Shane chuckled, rubbing his jaw. "No, not really."

"Guess you and Rick will just have to teach me the ropes," I said with a shrug. "Don't want my cover getting blown."

"You're like a secret agent," said Carl with a grin. "Or like–like a double agent! Two sides, you know? During the day you're just Sam and at night you're officer Smiles."

"More like Officer Guts," muttered Glenn before looking at the others and going into a long rant about what we had to do to get away from the walkers. 

As the night wound down, I retreated to Rick's tent to find my bag which he's left for me outside so he could have his much earned private time with his family. When I had my things, I was offered a spot in Nancy and Jacqui's tent and I couldn't refuse even though I'd much rather spend the night in the back seat of the red car.

I laid down on a small make shift bed of old blankets and pretended I was just at an overnight camp in the woods, that this wasn't some tent in a little alcove outside the bombed city. Napalm was serious, I was shocked to see that the city was still so much intact after such destruction. There should've been so much more ruination but the city was still standing and it only made me think about all the survivors trying to be evacuated who were bombed and killed after they had been promised safety outside the city.

I let those thoughts of burning drift me to sleep because there was nothing peaceful to focus on. There was nothing left to ease me into my desired unconsciousness. When I finally did fall asleep, I slept with my ax in my hand underneath my flat pillow and my gun still strapped around my waist.

I was ready to defend this place even in my sleep.

I helped Lori hang laundry the next morning. It seemed the women didn't do much besides clean the clothes and cook food when there wasn't a supply run to go on and it made me feel as if I were waking and walking in an old Victorian Era world. We didn't fight here, we didn't go out and hunt, we didn't clean or gut the fish, we folded the laundry. We got together and chatted by the water and it only made me itch to move more. 

But Lori asked for my help and I had to show a good face. I had to be a part of this group, I had to help them in order to get closer to Conner. If I could get on the supply runs, I'd be able to explore more of our area.

"So, you and Rick went straight into Atlanta together?" asked Lori as I handed her another shirt to hang up. The bloodstains were hard to get out of the white shirts Rick had given us to be washed. 

I nodded back as I picked up another shirt, the stains faint but still there, a constant reminder. "We went on horseback, actually."

"A horse?" laughed Lori, shaking her head. "I didn't think many of them survived after everything. I thought everything would've been wiped out."

"People on the farms outside Atlanta faired better than others," I said. "We found the poor thing still in its pin with its owners inside dead."

"God," she breathed with a shudder, "I forget what's been goin' on sometimes." She glanced at me, her eyes not as calculating as her husbands. "It's been a little too easy to pretend we're just out here camping."

"Do we even know how this whole thing started?" I asked, genuinely curious. I'd heard of when the outbreak started but I didn't see much information of how it did. Was it a disease spread by animals and then to humans? Was it something completely benign that mutated into the malignant curse it was now?

Lori shrugged. "All I remember are the news reports telling us to get as far from the city as possible. Then we got the messages to stay inside." She shrugged again, folding a dry shirt and tossing it on the small foldout table beside us. "It just happened so fast. Rick got shot and then suddenly we were being told to hide and get to safety and I didn't know what to do." Her eyes lifted from her work and I watched as her attention drifted over to where Shane was by the quarry. "Thank god Shane got to him, barricaded his room in."

"How'd he even get to the hospital?" I asked, frowning. "It would've been a mess over there. I heard news of riots once the military came through."

"Walkers were everywhere," she muttered back. "I'm just so thankful he got to him in time and I'm–" She gave me a watery smile and reached out to grab my hand as I hung up a pair of pants. "I'm so grateful to you. He told me that without you and those–those people you were with, he would've been killed."

"He didn't have a clue what was going on," I whispered once she dropped her hand back to her side. She pulled back her long brown hair away from her face and I could see the worry etched in her very skin. "He'd woken up to a completely different world."

"And now he's here," she said. "He's back with us."

"He wasn't going to stop looking for you," I said as I turned to lean against the little table. It wasn't sturdy but I didn't want to fold and hang laundry anymore. "Seriously, if we hadn't found you here, he would've just left and kept going."

"Would you have gone with him still?" she asked, looking at me for honesty. "Even if your mom was here?"

I nodded. "I owed that to him."

Her brows furrowed.

"He was kind to me," I said, shrugging. "We both had similar goals."

"Finding family?"

I nodded.

"We found Nancy on the highway," said Lori as she finished hanging the last shirt. She placed a hand on her hip and eased her weight back onto one foot as she looked over the camp. "She was screaming about looking for Conner, said he was with her one second and gone the next. We wanted to look for him, both him and John, but things got to complicated and messy."

"The effects of the bomb must have hit hard," I said, not knowing exactly what to say to this. I didn't need to know more about how Nancy lost Conner and how she ended up here and he didn't. "Were you close enough to...feel it?"

She shook her head. "No but we saw it. The whole city lighting up." 

Her eyes found Shane again and her hand dropped from her hip as he walked up the trail with a bucket in his hands. I'd admit he was attractive, more so when he wasn't gunning for me. He was sweating and the dog tags around his neck hit his chest and moved with his every step. There was a powerful man underneath that shirt, he was bristling with it.

"Fresh waters here, y'all!" he called out, setting the bucket down by the campfire. "Boil before use."

From down by the trees a scream erupted through the camp. Lori turned on her heel fast and instantly shouted, "Carl?!"

I took off at the noise as another scream echoed around us and I rounded a small bundle of trees in search of the sound. I ran directly into Carl and he cowered against me as a few of the other kids, along with Sophia, ran past me.

"You're okay," I murmured, holding Carl against my side before slowly edging him back to Lori as she reached us. "Just stay here."

I pulled my ax from my waistband as the men found us but we weren't the only things they found. Hunched over a still twitching deer was an older walker. It looked decades older than what it really was. Its skin hung around its snapping jaw as it devoured the venison. Its muzzle and hands were coated in the deer's slimy blood and it pulled the muscles taunt like it was gum. 

"Shit," I muttered, running a hand through my hair. "What a waste of a perfectly good dinner."

Rick stopped by my side, holding a bat in his hands as Shane, Glenn, Morales, Jim, T-Dog, and Jim arrived with weapons. It seemed all the men had to come and see the show, except for Ed which was no surprise to me. He hadn't even bothered to join us last night around the fire, he'd kept his family secluded.

The men stepped forward, kicking the walker back and slamming their weapons down into the walker's hardened flesh. My brows furrowed and I flinched back as they kept hitting the beast, not one going for the head.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" I snapped as the bushes in front of us rustled. "It's got to be the damn head!"

Rick fell back into step besides Lori as all the men stepped back to look at the bushes. The walker on the ground laid on its side and it was eerily still. A man emerged from the forest just as I stepped forward, raising my ax and slamming it down into the malleable skull of the walker. It crunched under my blade and it yanked free easily, the weapon now comfortably coated in blood.

When I looked up, the man before me huffed and said, "At least one of you was smart enough to go for the damn head." His eyes shifted to the deer and he cursed. "Son of a bitch! That's my deer. Look at it, all gnawed on by that proxy bastard!" He sent the toe of his boot into the walker's side a good few times before someone spoke up.

"That's enough now, son," muttered Dale.

The man had a snare of squirrels thrown over his shoulder and I studied him, curious about the strange man wielding the crossbow. He wasn't that attractive but there was a roughness about him that made me itch to know more. He was sweaty, just as we all were, but his sweat was from the hunt. It was good we had someone like him amongst us to hunt and catch food other than the occasional granola bar and can of beans or cat food.

"That's a damn shame," he sighed, shaking his head, "but I got some squirrel though."

He glanced back down at the walker and I followed his gaze, watching as the blood from my ax dripped against the top of my boot. The blood in the dirt was slowly spreading, a pool of brown and red. It always amazed me the state of decay they went through. Morgan's wife didn't look nearly as rotted as this one did and from my knowledge, she'd died near the beginning. 

The man adjusted the crossbow and squirrels on his shoulder before stalking past and towards camp as he shouted, "Merle! Merle?"

My lips parted as my eyes followed him as he walked away. This was Merle Dixon's little brother. I didn't expect him to be a Dixon but at the sound of his voice still calling out for his brother, I could see the family resemblance. It was in their angry eyes and the southern accent in their voices. 

I slipped my ax into my waistband and followed after the men as Shane lowered his weapon, slinging the rifle back over his shoulder as he walked after Daryl and said "Hey! We need to talk to you."

We followed them back up towards the RV where Daryl turned to face Shane. "'Bout what?"

"Merle," said Shane with a little more confidence than I expected in his tone, "there was a problem in Atlanta."

Daryl's brows furrowed just enough to show me he was genuinely concerned about his brother. "He dead?"

Shane shrugged. "Not sure."

"It's either he is or he ain't," snapped Daryl, irritation clouding over his worry. I could see his fist by his side curl into a fist and I had the urge to pull Shane back a step before he said the wrong thing and got decked in the face.

"Listen, there's no easy way to say this," said Rick and I wanted to put my arm out to stop him but he was already approaching the other man, "so I'll just say it."

Daryl frowned. "Who are you?"

"Rick Grimes." 

"Rick Grimes," Daryl spat, "you got somethin' you want to tell me?"

He glanced at Shane for a worried moment before his police instincts took over and he delivered the news. "Your brother was a danger to us all, so...I handcuffed him to the roof hooked to a piece of metal. He's still there."

"Hold on, let me process this." Daryl's face contorted from irritation to rage in a split second. "You–you handcuffed my brother to a roof?! And you left him there?!"

Rick twirled his bat by his side. "Yeah."

Daryl ran a hand through his short brown hair and paced before the two men and I could see the muscles in his arms and shoulders working through his stress. In a swift moment, he was throwing his squirrels at Rick's head and charging the man. Shane stepped out in front of Rick after he'd dodged the animals and Daryl rammed into him. Daryl fell backwards with Shane and when his back hit the dirt, he pulled a knife from the side pocket of his pants.

"Watch the knife," I hissed towards Shane as I stepped up beside Rick. 

"Sam," said Nancy from my right near the RV. She was motioning for me to come here, to step away from the engaging fight. "Let the men handle their business."

I scowled and stayed put. I knew how to handle assholes and it seemed Daryl Dixon needed some guidance.

Shane rolled off Daryl as the angry man got to his feet, holding the knife out in front of his face as he crouched to look at us. He swung as Rick, the knife slicing through the air as Rick dodged the swing and I struck my arm out and pushed Daryl's forearm away before jutting my other hand out to snatch his wrist.

I twisted his wrist as I secured his arm against my side, locking the joint. I used my speed to thrust his hand back towards his wrist just hard enough to hurt and not break his bone. His hand flinched and the knife dropped to the ground and I kicked at it quickly so he couldn't lunge for it as I twisted his arm and used the momentum of his reaching forward to kick my foot between his legs. He tripped over me and landed roughly on his side as I spun around and snatched the knife off the ground.

It was easy to get him unbalanced. He focused too heavily on his anger, he was blind to his own rage and it made him an easy target in a fight. I silently thanked all my self defense classes I took during college as I twirled the knife in my hand.

"You really got to be quicker than that," I said to him as he looked up from the ground to stare at me. 

He cupped a hand over his eyes and he grunted out, "Who the hell are you?!"

Rick helped Shane restrain him on the ground so he wouldn't jump back up at us and Daryl kicked helplessly in the dirt as he struggled against the two former cops. 

"You best let me go!" shouted Daryl, grunting as Shane got him in a headlock.

The other man chuckled and said, "Better if I don't." 

Daryl relaxed only slightly as he muttered, "Choke hold's illegal."

Shane sighed and eased the tension just slightly around Daryl's neck as Rick and I slowly approached the man. "Hey, you can file a complaint."

Rick bent down to meet Daryl's eyes. "Let's have a calm discussion about this, alright? How does that sound? Do you think we can manage that?" Shane glanced at Rick before releasing Daryl, the man flinging himself away from us as he panted. Rick kept his distance and spoke again. "What I did was not on a whim. Your brother does not work and play well with others."

From behind us, T-Dog dropped the pile of wood he was carrying and sighed. "It's not Rick's fault. I had the key," he said, glancing around with a nervous jostle in his leg, "and I dropped it."

Daryl's brows furrowed as he sat up and rested on his hands and knees. "And you couldn't pick it up?"

"Well," said T-Dog, "I dropped it down a drain."

Daryl scoffed, bowing his head as he tried to catch his breath. It took him a moment but he got to his feet, flinging pieces of leaves off his hands as he snarled, "If that's supposed to make me feel better, it don't."

"Maybe this will," said T-Dog as Shane moved to stand beside him. "I chained the door to the roof so the geeks couldn't get at him. With a padlock."

"It's got to count for something," said Rick even though I knew it didn't mean shit. 

Daryl's face scrunched up and for a second I thought he would cry but he swiped his hand through the air at us and snapped, "Hell with all y'all! Just tell me where he is so I can go get him."

"He'll show you," said Lori from where she stood under the awning of the RV. "Isn't that right?"

Rick put his hands on his hips and nodded with a sigh. "I'm goin' back."

Lori shook her head slowly and got inside the RV as I reached forward to grab Rick by the shoulder. "What do you mean you're goin' back?" I snapped. "The city's swarmed, you won't make it a foot inside without being surrounded."

"I have to go," said Rick, rubbing his jaw. "We left his brother there."

"To hell with Merle!"

"You best watch your mouth," snapped Daryl from behind me and I spun around to face him.

I raised his knife at his face with a scowl. "If you had been there you wouldn't be opening your damn mouth right now."

"You sayin' you want to leave my brother for dead?" hissed Daryl, not minding the knife in my hand and stepped forward to glare down at me. "Chained to some goddamn roof?!"

"Yeah," I hissed back, jutting my chin up. I wasn't afraid of him, he wasn't going to curse and spit in my face and expect me to back away. "It's a suicide mission."

"We have to go," said Rick and I turned away from Daryl to stare at my friend. "Morgan and Duane...they're tryin' to go to Atlanta, the walkie's in the bag I dropped."

I brought my hand up to my hair, smoothing it out of my face. I'd forgotten about the bag he dropped and the walkie we'd taken with us so we could talk to Morgan. If he never heard from us, he'd just assume it was okay.

Rick met my eyes. "He'll walk into the same trap we did."

"Fuck," I breathed, shaking my head.

"When we go, you need to stay here," said Rick and my brows furrowed and I started to shake my head but he interrupted me. "We can't just leave Shane here to defend this camp by himself. You're good with a gun and I'll have Daryl and T-Dog with me."

"And Glenn," I muttered, knowing he'd be a good player. 

"And Glenn," said Rick with a gentle smile. "I need you to look after my son, my wife."

I frowned, twirling the little knife in my hand. "You just want me to stay back and do your laundry, is that it?"

Rick rolled his eyes but a laugh escaped his lips. 

"Fine," I snapped. "I'll stay here and play housewife while you and your men go save the day." I glanced over my shoulder and watched Daryl as he picked up his crossbow from where he'd put it before the fight started. "I'm keeping your knife," I told him as he stood.

"Like hell you are," he grunted.

"You'll get it back when you bring our men home safely," I said, waving the blade in front of my face at him with a small smile. "And besides, I need a new knife and I like yours."

"You're lucky I don't just take it from you," he grumbled as he picked up the squirrels. He faced me when he stood up again and his eyes narrowed as he looked me over as the crowd finally began to disperse. 

"As if you ever could," I muttered before holding my hand out.

He looked down at my outstretched hand and scoffed. "What's that for? Want me to hold it?"

I rolled my eyes. "The sheath, asshole. Give it here."

He shook his head and started to walk back towards the campfire and I followed by his side. When he noticed I wasn't going to just leave it be, he narrowed his eyes and grunted, "Who are you anyway? I don't remember seein' you before I left for the hunt."

"Aw, you're finally deciding to be nice?" I cooed as he laid out his squirrels on the ground and took a seat on one of the logs we used as benches for the night. "Thinking being polite will get your knife back sooner?"

"Fine," he grunted, "don't tell me, I don't care." He did glance up at me again from his seat to grumble, "I need the knife to skin the squirrels."

"No, you don't," I said, plopping down on one of the chairs beside where he crouched. I reached out and cut free one of the squirrels and held it up by its tail with a grimace. "Believe it or not, I used to do this a lot."

There was a strange look on his face as he looked at me. "I bet you used to do a lot of things."

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean, asshole?"

"You disarmed me pretty fast," he said, motioning back to where he'd been thrown around. "Must've learned how to do that when you did this."

I didn't respond. I kept my head down and began to skin the squirrel as my thoughts ran wild in my head. There was so much these people didn't know about me and the idea of them one day finding out made me nearly want to be sick.

It made me want to run.

AUTHOR'S NOTE━━long one here!!! oopssss i kinda like long chapters bc i wrote all this so long ago and there's like over 90 chaps and i didn't even finish it so ..... i really want to lower that number lol

hope you guys like the long ones, i'm sure i'll write a short one soon oops but this one is nearly a sexy 10k chap yikes

let me know what u guys think of sam and everything so far!!!! im kissing u if u vote/comment just know that