The hardest part about being stuck here is not that I can't see my friends or Derek anymore, neither that I'm sharing the room with someone I despise and considers me a threat although we don't exchange a word besides her staring me down.

It's not having anything to distract myself from the fact that I've been raped and degraded when I barely turned sixteen.

I always acknowledge that fact, I always had flashbacks and I always flinched when someone touched me but it all seemed to slow down when I was...

When I was abusing alcohol and cocaine.

This is the hardest part, not having drugs to distract me from wanting to kill myself because the flashbacks are slowly killing me.

After countless hours of looking at the window and the stars, crying because of my dad and how much he must think I'm worthless, I finally fall asleep but it's never a peaceful sleep, no.

It's me getting slammed against the hard cement over and over and over and fucking over again.

I don't need cocaine, I just need to not remember the truth.

I thought I was getting better, maybe I can forget everything and continue living my life but I'll never forget it. It will always be me, it's the new Veronica Reeves.

I'm getting worse, I'm irritated, upset and flashbacks are so constant a nurse is constantly outside the door.

Even my mother doesn't understand why. She thinks it's an act to get out of rehab.

One day a nurse touched my arm and I let out a blood-curdling scream all because I imagined her as that man.

I can't say I'm back to square one, it's just how it would have been if I didn't use alcohol to distract myself.

Not even the friends I grew up with, I don't feel comfortable hugging Nicole or Louis. It's a horrible feeling, I always want their hands off me as fast as possible.

Then there is Derek...

Despite how safe I felt with him, despite everything, it doesn't change what happened to me. It doesn't change that IT happened.

I'll never be the same.