"James-" I whisper while he enters with Olivia.

What the fuck? Dominic promised me he wouldn't come.

I make my way through the crowded room so he can't see me. I need to find Dominic and tell him to throw him out. It's my party and I don't want him here, otherwise, I'll leave too.

I remember I was supposed to call my mom when I arrive so I first dial her and tell her I'm safe and that I'll probably come late.

Shortly after I call Dominic and he doesn't pick up.

Fuck, this idiot.

I take another glance at my reflection and I still like what I see. Surprisingly.

I gather the courage to go outside and look for someone, anyone, it doesn't matter.

Then I recognize Derek's door, I know this bathroom is near his room. Maybe I could go to him?

I knock on the door and no one replies so I don't continue. He might be busy, or maybe he is angry at me for not replying for so long and he doesn't even want to see me-

Ugh, so many thoughts. I need another drink.

I walk to the kitchen cautiously and I don't see James or Olivia, they are probably fucking in some random room.

I notice Alexander pouring another drink and I do the same.

"Veronica, happy birthday!" he exclaims while he pulls me in for a hug which makes me quite uncomfortable.

Too many hugs in one night and I just want to be hugged by Der-

No, I don't, shut up.

He probably got so tired of me...

"Thank you..." I mutter and as I break the hug, I see Derek walking in, coming from the hallway.

So he probably was in his room... or maybe with another girl. What if he was with Olivia?!

I hate how jealous he makes me feel.

Derek notices me pulling away from Alex's hug and he seems annoyed but I decide to go to him anyway.

"Hey..." I mutter and he doesn't even look at me.

"Hi," he barely replies and I get a weird sense of emptiness in my stomach. Did I do something wrong apart from ignoring him?

"How are you?" I try to make conversation but it makes it even more awkward.

"I'm good. Happy birthday, by the way," he says and I smile warmly while he doesn't smile back. What's wrong with him? So many questions.

"Uhm- thank you," I murmur as he keeps drinking from the cup, which seems vodka.

I walk to the kitchen counter and I pour another glass of tequila, I need to keep drinking or I'll go insane. This night isn't like I was expecting it.

Oh, fuck, I need to find Dominic and tell him about James.

Then I finally see him, he is dancing with that brunette girl who talked shit about me. I'm surprised and annoyed they attend these parties, so the gossip must come from someone I know.

I decide to interrupt them anyway, I don't care.

"We need to talk," I say pulling him away from that bitch, as I give her a fake smile.

That drink is kicking in and I wish I could kick her ass, it's my party after all.

"You promised me to not invite James, I only asked for one thin-"

Dominic cuts me off.

"I promise I didn't invite him. I'll tell him to leave," he explains and I sigh.

"Thanks," I mutter and I walk away. A second drink would be perfect right now.

Alexander didn't leave and he keeps staring at me. Derek is nowhere to be seen, though.

I can't stop thinking about him, what made him act that way?

"Do you want more cocaine?" Alexander finally speaks up and I almost wince.

"That would be so good right now," I say and he smiles.

"But I'd rather do it alone, no offense," I tell him and he raises his hands in defense.

"Ouch. I thought I was fun." He acts offended and I laugh.

"I get it, you don't want to make your boyfriend jealous," he continues and I roll my eyes.

He hands me a small plastic bag with a bit of cocaine inside and I thank him with a hug, the least I can do.

He is way taller than me and his hugs are always so... touchy.

I put the coke in my bag and I walk to the bathroom. At least this way I'm going to be having fun, I already hate my party.

Alcohol and coke are always the best mixes.

I take out the cocaine and clean a bit the counter, then I pour the coke on it.

It's kinda disgusting but my need for cocaine is stronger than the logical reasons why I shouldn't do it.

I haven't done it in so long and I'm just glad Alexander gives it to me for free, for whatever reason. Maybe he is just that rich, well, I don't care.

As I snort the third line, one after one without even waiting, my vision is slowly becoming blurry.

I wince when I hear the door crack.

I lift my head and I see it's James.

Fuck.

He locks the door behind him and he comes closer to me.

"What are you doing?" I yell at him and he doesn't stop, once he is one inch away from me.

The cocaine effect is kicking in along with the tequila which makes me dizzy and I cannot react.

"It seems like we are finally alone," he says and I take a step back but I hit the wall.

He throws the cocaine on the floor and I shove him away.

"What's wrong with you?" I scream at him and he laughs.

He comes closer to me, pinning me up against the wall and I try to push him as hard as I can but my vision gets dark and I cannot stop thinking about the similarities between my rapist and him.

It's almost as if history repeats itself.

I gather the courage to push him again as he comes near me and he wobbles a bit, so I run to the door.

As I'm about to unlock it he grabs my arm violently and pulls me towards him. His face is one inch away from my face but I look down.

"You disgust me," I mutter under my breath and he forces me to look at him.

"You will enjoy it," he says as he forcefully tries to take off my dress.

I push him away but with no result and he keeps going.

I try to scream but I can't, I feel like I'm glued to the floor and my throat hurts.

What is happening...

He almost takes off my dress and he presses his dirty lips on my neck, sucking on it so harshly I sob.

I try to hit him in the crotch like the last time but I can't even lift my leg.

Fright takes over my body as soon as I realize how useless and weak I am. Just like the first time.

I start sobbing uncontrollably but I feel no tears on my face, it's as if I'm not there.

His face gets mixed up with my abuser's face, and for the first time, I see my rapist's face. Before I only used to remember him in the coffee shop, not when he was sexually assaulting me.

I don't get it... I can't move, and James is replaced by my rapist. I try to push him away, again, I try to scream, again.

Is this even real?

He finally takes off my dress and as he is about to take off his jeans in the same way my rapist did...

Everything is so confusing and I feel like I'm watching myself getting assaulted, again, with no way of being able to do something about it.

After he is done with me, he leaves me here naked and I grab the only cigarettes I had and I lit them as fast as I can.

I look at my arms and I press the lit part into my skin repeatedly and I quickly realize I feel no pain, nothing at all.

I try to hurt myself. I need to feel something or I'll go insane. It feels like I'm hallucinating. A nightmare.

My vision gets blurry again while my eyes are slowly shutting down.

~

"Veronica? What the fuck are you doing?" I slowly open my eyes and I hear a ringing noise in my ears slowly going away as I stare at Derek.

He looks at me horrified and he snatches the cigarette out of my hand.

It wasn't real... it was just a hallucination, again. Gosh, I'm sick. I'm fucking sick.

I'm only relieved it wasn't real, this time.

I feel pain all over my arms and I finally look down at them just as Derek is doing and I almost gasp at what I've done.

He looks at me horrified and he throws away the cigarettes. Then he searches through the counters for a few minutes and he finally grabs a soft towel, he pours a bit of water on it and gently taps on my burns without even warning me.

I groan out in pain and he puts his hand on my leg, trying to calm me down.

"What have I done..." I murmur and he looks at me concerned.

He throws the towel on the floor and he notices the cocaine all spilled on the floor and some on the counter.

"You were screaming, I didn't understand what but then I heard James' name," he says and I feel the heat rise in my cheeks while I look down at my arms. I ruined my skin and his perception of me.

He must think I'm insane.

"What did he do to you? I swear I'll kill him," he says clenching his fists and I take his hand into my hand even though it hurts to move.

"Nothing. It was just... because of cocaine."

"I don't believe you."

"I promise you," I lie and he looks away, not believing me.

"You need to stop with this cocaine shit. Who gave it to you? I swear I'll kill him too," he threatens as he puts a bit of pressure on my hand.

"It doesn't matter," I mutter, it will just make him madder to know Alex gave it to me.

"I'm so tired of you not being honest with me," he admits and my lower lip starts shaking. I just knew he was tired of me but deep down I hoped he wouldn't be.

He notices my face changing and he takes back what he said. "I'm not tired of you." He sighs. It's like he is reading my mind. "I just want you to be honest."

"But I'm here for you, no matter what," he says while caressing my hand and I don't look at him. I don't want to cry, I'm so tired of myself too.

Derek cleans the counter with the cocaine and throws it in the toilet, then he comes to me and he helps me stand up as I involuntarily let my body weight on his.

I take a glance at the mirror and my makeup is smudged horribly. I'm back to looking like shit.

He helps me get to his room and I lay down on his bed, I missed him and this room more than I want to admit.

"Why are you so nice to me?" I finally ask him and he looks up at me.

"Many reasons..." he quietly says while I'm waiting for him to continue.

"The most important one is that I like you," he says and I look up at him, surprised at his revelation even though he talked about this before, but never this forward.

"The other one is that I see myself in you, I want to help you."

"Just like Shanice helped me with a place to stay and being my friend." I don't like hearing her name, especially when he says it.

"I can't do much if you don't want to get better or talk about it," he finishes and I look at him, listening cautiously to every word but I'm ashamed of myself.

Because I know I won't get better and he is wasting his time.

It's not that I don't want to get better. I just don't believe I deserve this privilege, it's all my fault.

I close my eyes as I take a deep breath.

How can someone be happy with this kind of life? My father died and it's my- my fault. I was raped, and I don't want to say it... but I always thought it was my fault.

How could I be so stupid to not understand he was going to assault me? He... he was so weird, he touched me without my consent. It's my fault I took that job, it was too early in the morning.

What I'm thinking makes no sense but I can't help feeling this way. I despise myself.

I realize I'm weeping as I open my eyes again.

Derek is looking at me carefully and I cannot understand what he thinks of me right now. Maybe he feels pity for me.

He hovers over me and lightly kisses my forehead which gives me a slight sense of comfort.

I don't deserve him.

——

By the way, the text in cursive is either the past or hallucinations she gets from drugs, just to make sure everyone understood this!

Thanks for reading! Please don't forget to vote and comment. I love you : )