"I'm Nicole, please open the door," Nicole pleads and after a couple of seconds, I decide to open it.

"What happened?!" She puts a hand on my shoulder and I wipe away my tears, but more threatening to roll down my cheeks.

"Did everyone notice?" I ask hesitantly. Maybe I care too much what others think about me, I want to keep this tough facade on but I can't.

"Yeah... they just joked that you are jealous of Olivia," she says and I just want to sob harder, not because I care about Olivia, I don't give a shit about her. I always knew what kind of person she is, but because I truly lost Derek, and it's all my fault.

"What happened, Ronnie?" she repeats herself while caressing my back which reminds me of Derek.

I need to talk it out, I need to, so I force myself to say what I have on my mind.

"I think- I think I feel something for Derek," I say, pulling her in for a hug, something that hasn't happened in ages and she seems pleasantly surprised.

"Derek?" She hesitates but wraps her arms tighter around me while I cry on her shoulder.

"I don't want to feel like this, please, help me," I beg for her help for the first time in ages.

"Derek is a good person, I saw how he took care of you. Why can't you just tell him?" she asks confused, and that's when I realize I can't tell her. I opened myself to a certain point but I can't tell her everything.

"I had sex with Alexander and Derek saw us, then he came back and I told him I don't care about him and never did," I admit, guilty and ashamed of my actions and the shocked look on her face says more than I'd like to admit.

Before that morning I was a virgin, and that's all she knew, I valued sex and I thought it was the biggest connection two humans can have, now I look at it like it's something disgusting, something that helps you get your mind off other worse things.

"Why did you do all of this?" Nicole asks with a slight judgment behind her words which breaks my heart. I can't even explain why. I know why I lied to Derek but I don't know why I slept with Alexander, I was way too high.

"I'm not judging you- I'm just trying to understand how to help you," she reassures me and I nod.

After a long uncomfortable pause, she tries to say something.

"I care about you so much, Veronica. I want to help you. Please." She hugs me again and I don't dodge it. It's nice to finally let someone hug me without wincing but I know it's only because of the alcohol I had.

"It doesn't matter why. I just won't stop feeling the way I do," I reply bluntly and I know that the reasons matter, but I won't tell her.

If I were to tell Derek I like him, would it change anything for me? I'm broken, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I do coke so often that I might just overdose one day and that doesn't scare me at all, I wish I'd just die.

Does he deserve someone like me? I can't be touched, I don't open up. Are we supposed to be together only when I'm so drunk I can't remember him the next day?

I can't trust anyone, I can't bear any more heartbreak, or I might just end it all, I need to be alone. Knowing also that my rapist is roaming around freely and might come after me...

I feel gross, worthless, I don't deserve love or trust.

I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt myself.

While the time we spent together is not a lot, he's been there for me every single time, he saved me from dangerous situations that I caused, he understood and never judged me, he gave me space. He made me feel safe and how I never felt before.

"I don't understand anything but the only advice I can give you is- to never see him again," she explains, letting aside any beliefs she has, she believes in love, she believes that you aren't supposed to run away thus why she stays with James despite everything, but for the first time, she gives me the advice I need.

"How can I do that? I see Dominic so often."

"Stop hanging out with them, hang out with us, let's go back to how we were before. We miss you," she says and I nod. It makes sense.

But the coke... I can't live without it and I can't tell her this. I'm torn between wanting coke, not wanting to open up to Nicole, and feeling something for Derek.

They are all possibilities that scare me, but there is something that hurts more than all of these...

Seeing Derek with someone else, living with the guilt that I did this and that I'll never be happy, this is how I'm going to act with everyone.

Or I could just run away, start a new life, pretend I'm someone else when I'm not but this would be a drastic change while I have no money.

We finally leave the bathroom together and I feel better. Nicole helped me clean up my face.

I pour a bit of vodka in a cup mixed with Diet Coke and I gulp it down quickly.

"What happened, Ronnie?" Dominic asks me and I shrug.

"Nothing-"

"Be honest," he cuts me off before I finish and I roll my eyes. "What is going on between you and Derek?"

"Oh, God! Can you all stop assuming shit?" I burst out in anger and he takes a step back.

"Ok, but it's unlike him, he would never sleep with Olivia," he continues uncertain and I want to call him out again but I just think about what he said.

Does it matter? He did it. And I did it too.

"No one tells me an-" Dominic gets interrupted by the door bursting open violently.

I look in shock at the door and instantly fear what's about to come.

"What the hell is this?" my dad screams like never before, looking around the house. He kicks with his feet the cups on the floor.

Everyone is looking at him confused and I'm petrified.

He turns to the other people and screams at them, "get the fuck out of my house!"

They obey.

I'm scared, I don't want Dominic and Nicole to leave. I have never been scared of my dad before but right now he looks out of his mind.

Dominic places his hand on my lower back, reassuring me for a second, and then walks to the door but stops when he sees my dad struggling to breathe.

My dad puts his hand on his chest and he gaps for air while I run to him, along with Dominic and Louis.

"He is having a heart attack," Louis says panicked while Dominic dials an ambulance.

I grab his hand and he slowly lays on the floor while still keeping the hand on his chest.

My eyes fill with tears, a few of them dropping right on his clothes.

"I'm so sorry dad, please, don't leave me," I beg him and he seems to slowly drift away.

"Please, don't leave me!" I scream, reaching over him and gripping his shirt in agony.

My dad looks into my eyes and I can see all kinds of emotions, while the biggest one is regret. I put my hands on his chest trying to do what I've seen in movies but I have no idea what to do and Dominic grabs my hands abruptly.

"You are going to make it worse. Wait for the ambulance," he says and I cry out harder in exasperation.

"Don't you see him?! He is dying!" I scream out in pain and he hugs me tightly while my head is pressed against his chest.

"Take a big breath. Calm down. He is still with us. You will make it worse," he says and I cry for a few more minutes, failing to stay calm.

The ambulance finally arrives and they take him inside while refusing me to ride with them.

"I'll drive you there," Dominic says and I nod.

Louis, Nicole, Dominic, and I arrive at the hospital shortly after.

My phone rings and it's my mom.

"What happened?!" She sounds like she is holding back the tears and I can tell she is driving.

I can't lose her too, it's so dangerous for her to drive for hours in that state.

I see a nurse passing by and I try to get his attention.

"I'm sorry, how's Ryan Reeves? I'm his daughter, we just-" I frantically try to explain but he stops me mid-sentence.

"He is still under care, I can't tell you more, wait for the doctor," he answers politely and I let out a sigh, while Nicole and Louis stay near me for comfort.

I hear Dominic talking to someone so I try to listen to what he says.

"What do you mean?" he asks annoyed at the phone.

"No, I don't think she is fine, I mean-" He gets interrupted and I can tell he is irritated.

"Come here yourself," Dominic says and hangs up.

I quickly turn my attention somewhere else so I doubt he notices me.

Who was he talking to? Were they talking about me?

"He is going to be fine, Ronny," Dominic mutters, almost coming out as a whisper but he still wraps his arms around me.

"Is he?" I do my best to stop the tears threatening to come. "It's all my fault-" I mutter in his chest and he stops me.

"It's not. You don't just get a heart attack at thirty-nine years old out of nowhere."

Is he insinuating there is another reason behind it? Is he ill? I can't. I can't keep having doubts and no answers. What are the doctors doing right now?!

I stare at the pictures on the walls and the more I look, the more I remember random parts from my life.

My parents adopted me at six years old and I don't remember anything else before that, my mom was twenty-six years old back then and she found out she was infertile. She decided to adopt after countless tries.

They have been together since they were in high school.

I always found it funny the way they met. They were at a party, and they dared my mom to go up to a random guy and kiss him, the only problem was that he had a girlfriend at the time, well, they eventually broke up. The rest is history.

When they adopted me, no one told me about my previous life, about my biological parents. I know nothing about them, not even if they treated me well or if they were both present.

I didn't care for a long time, because my parents gave me everything and treated me as if I was their child, I have amazing memories with them but now I have ruined everything.

The only thing I wonder about is if I have siblings, but maybe they would have been adopted along with me.

I also wonder about other relatives, maybe they are nice.

"Lillian Reeves?" The doctor calls out and I immediately walk up to him, recognizing my mother's name.

"Where is your mother?" she asks.

"She will take a long time to get here, w- why?" I ask uncertainly as the last ounce of hope I had disappears.

"I'm deeply sorry. Your dad passed-" Her her words become fuzzy, she keeps talking but I can't hear anything else.

——

This poor girl can't catch a break.

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