I hate myself.

I agreed to go to a party... again. But Dominic "lured" me with coke, he knew I'd accept if he offered me that over joints.

I've been smoking weed since Dominic gave me some at his apartment. Trying to limit my intake so I can smoke a bit every day.

I usually did it late at night near my window, my parents never smelled anything weird.

At least now they give me more freedom.

School is starting again this Monday, I convinced them to not homeschool me, I said that I would get worse without socializing.

I have been acting nicer with them at home, so they wouldn't suspect anything.

It worked, they believed every bullshit I told them.

My parents think today I'm going to that cousin again, that she is a nice girl and we got close fast.

I haven't fucked any other stranger since last week, I had a bit of regret the next day. Looking back to what kind of person I used to be and how I am now.

But as I said, I'd do it again.

I'm wearing a black tight dress and I constantly have to pull it down when I move. Lately, my clothes have been all dark but it suits me.

I look in the mirror and I still can't believe that's how I look and act now. My heavy dark eyeliner emphasizes my blue eyes, but it also gives me an edgy look.

I'm still thin with no curves, I don't eat much, I never seem to have an appetite. Especially since I get drunk easier when my stomach is empty, the euphoria from weed feels better as well. The only time I eat is when I get the munchies.

I suddenly hear the distant car honk and I rush downstairs.

As soon as I step outside I realize it's not his car, it's Derek's car. Maybe Dom is driving his car?

I slowly walk towards the car, but before I get there the person inside opens the door.

"Why are you walking in slow motion?" Derek yells.

Oh, it's him. Why is my heart racing?

I walk faster and he tries to open the door for me. What a gentleman, but no, thank you.

I stop him before he does.

"We aren't going on a date," I say bluntly.

"Too bad," he mutters. Weird.

He drives so damn slow. We have a party to attend and he can't drive faster?

Correction, I'm only going for the coke.

"I heard you hit your head and you were hospitalized for a week. How are you now?" he takes the eyes off-road and questions me.

"Why do you care?"

He doesn't reply. He looks nervous. Is Derek nervous? That's a new one.

This is so awkward. Why couldn't Dominic give me a ride?

I look out of the window, thinking about what I did that night at the hotel... with a stranger.

I feel so guilty, but am I really good for anything else? My excuse is that I took back the control by actually consenting. I feel guilty it wasn't someone who cares about me as much as I care about them.

But I could never imagine having sex with someone I love while sober. They would see me the way I see myself. A disgusting piece of shit.

I consented to sex.

That's my biggest accomplishment. And the fact that it was a stranger, just like he was.

My eyes get watery, I can't help it, every time I think about it, my heart fills with sadness.

Fuck, I need alcohol so badly right now.

"Are you okay?" Derek asks with evident worry in his voice.

I don't turn to him, he will notice my red eyes.

He continues looking at the road and we finally arrive. Goddamn, it was time.

I quickly leave the car, I don't even thank him.

I rush inside and he remains in his car for a while.

Dominic comes to me straight away and he seems so content to see me.

"Veronica!" He wants to go in for a hug, but I step back.

"You are always so weird. I got your coke, though." He laughs and shows me the plastic bag.

"I want to warm up with alcohol first," I say. Coke does go better with vodka.

I take a few shots of vodka, I already feel so much braver. A few others and I'll be drunk.

"Not you again," a female voice says.

I turn around only to see it's Shanice. Ugh.

"You caused so much trouble around here. I'm sick of your annoying ass," she spits.

She is fuming.

"I did? The last time I remember it was Derek who punched James," I defend myself with no remorse. Yeah, he did it for me. But I didn't ask him.

"No, shut the fuck up. He did it for you. Although you didn't deserve that shit." She comes closer to my face.

"Who are you to talk? All you did these months is bitch and moan. Don't throw parties next time, sweetie," I say sarcastically and she gets even madder.

"You fucking hoe, all you do is snort coke like a fucking addict and cause trouble."

She did not just call me a hoe and an addict.

"You don't get to say shit about me." I raise my voice and she pushes me.

The alcohol makes me so dizzy and lightheaded that I just wobble and fall.

Derek comes and tries to help me stand up.

"Don't fucking touch me," I hiss at him and he seems taken back by my aggressive behavior. He lets go of me and takes a step back.

I didn't even do cocaine and there is already drama. I'm never coming again. Fuck Shanice. Fuck everyone.

I can do the coke at home... wait, it's too risky. My parents would notice me and lock me away forever.

"You don't have to be such a bitch all the time," Derek yells. He seems mad at me. Or tired. But he is just annoying me.

"Who the fuck asked you to help me? Huh, did I tell you to follow me around like a puppy?" The alcohol also makes me brave and blunt. He gets visibly bothered by my words and I instantly regret it.

Why am I acting this way when all he did is help me?

I feel like he wants to insult me back, but he doesn't. Everyone is looking at us. He swallows his ego and leaves. My heart sinks a little.

Wow.

If I'm right, why does it feel so wrong?

I walk to the kitchen, and clean the counter with a wet tissue and dry it. I start pouring the coke on the counter as I did with James. I chop it with my fake ID. It's probably too thick and I don't know what I'm doing. Some people are looking at me. Including Derek. His blue eyes are piercing through my soul and it makes me shift uncomfortably, so I look away.

Everyone does this here, although most prefer to go to other rooms.

After several minutes it looks fine enough. Not as fine as Derek.

Why am I like this?!

I bend down and just snort two lines. It still burns my nose, but it quickly gets replaced by numbness.

Fuck, I already feel so good. No drama, no tears. Nothing.

Should I go back to them?

I try to walk towards the living room, I'm so fucking high.

Other people do coke here, but they usually prefer to smoke weed.

People gathered around the couch and they are playing Dares or Extreme Dares. Maybe I should try.

The only problem is that Shanice is there. Luckily I got Dominic's back.

She rolls her eyes when I go to them.

"You did your usual addict stuff, now you wanna play?" she mocks me.

"We will be extra hard on you since you feel so brave," the redhead girl says. I've never seen her before.

Fine, I accept the challenge.

They all look like college people, well, I know Shanice and Dominic go to college. I don't know about Derek though...

Why do I even care?

This fucking coke got to my head and it's making me think bullshit.

"Derek, come and join us. It's gonna be hella fun," Shanice says and Derek keeps glaring at me. My throat goes dry everytime his eyes are on me.

It's Shanice's turn and they dare her to strip down to her underwear in a sexy way and stay half naked for ten minutes, although I'm sure she doesn't mind.

She slowly strips her top first, exposing the black lace bra and I quickly glance at Derek to see if he is looking.

We lock eyes for a few seconds and I turn my head towards Shanice.

Fuck.

He was just looking at me.

Shanice is taking her super shorts off too. Exposing the black underwear perfectly matching with the bra.

I can't lie, she is pretty attractive, if it wasn't for her annoying attitude.

"That was quite easy for her," I point out and everyone laughs while she just rolls her eyes.

"You are right, let's make it more interesting," Dominik proposes.

"Veronica, I dare you to do seven minutes in heaven with... " He stops to create suspense. Quite annoying though.

"Derek," he finishes and I almost spit out my drink.

I'd probably faint before I can even get alone in a room with him and I don't know why.

"Anyone but Derek, please," I mumble and everyone laughs. Derek is quite silent after that 'fight.'

In fact, he hasn't been his usual obnoxious self since he got James off me on my first party.

Everyone cheers us on and forces us to stand up. They don't even let us pick which room.

They walk us to the bathroom.

Fuck, this bathroom is so small I can't even keep some distance from him.

Why does he make me feel this way? I'd never do anything with Derek.