"Veronica!" my mom screams on the phone, "where are you?!"

I try to think quickly of a lie, but it seems that my mind is bugging, it's the weed effect.

She is going to smell it if I go home. Fuck.

"I went out... to see Louis." God, why did I say his name? She is going to call him now.

"Hold on," she says and I start shaking. I don't know why I'm so terrified, she will catch me lying and will ground me for the rest of my life... which means I'd have to be alone with my thoughts, no alcohol or weed. No, I'll text Louis and hope for the best.

Veronica: Hey, it's me... Ronny. I can't explain now but please tell my mom I was with you tonight. Please.

I already think more clearly, as the fear got to me. One joint just isn't enough for my thoughts.

She comes back on call.

"Ok, get home now," she orders.

I wonder what he told her. But whatever it was, it worked.

Now how do I get rid of the smell?

I run inside and Dominic is chilling with James on the couch. I sprint to the bathroom and I hear them calling my name. Not now.

Wait, I'll need a pass.

I get in the bathroom and start grabbing water with my hands and try to rinse my mouth, doing it a few times. I grip the perfume out of my purse and spray it all over me, perhaps it's too much... I look for the small bottle of mouth wash I carry with me for this purpose and rinse my mouth again. Maybe I have a mint gum somewhere.

I go back to the living room, gosh, these people are already passed out.

"Dominic, I need a pass quick," I say to him worried and he seems to not understand what happened.

"I drank too much, maybe James can give you a pass?" Oh hell, no.

"No, he is always drunk," I say. I frankly don't care about that, I just don't want to be in the same car as him.

"I'm not," he protests and I can feel his stinking alcohol breath.

"I'll give you a pass, I didn't drink much today." I turn around and see Derek standing near the TV. He looks exhausted.

"You had vodka," I say.

"I didn't, it was for Dominic," he defends himself. He seems sober, kinda.

"Ok. Let's go now." I walk fast to the door with him following me.

He has a nice simple blue car. I would have sworn he was the 'expensive black car' type.

I sit in the front seat and grab my phone, I should call Louis.

"What happened?" Derek questions me, taking the eyes off the street for a second.

"Oh, nothing," I say and he doesn't insist.

Louis picks off and I can feel my hands sweating, I haven't talked to him since July. I never planned to change my mind, but now I have to.

"Veronica," he mutters and my heart seems to skip a beat. His voice. Hearing him say my name.

Gosh, get it together, Ronnie.

"Hey, Louis... I'm sorry for getting you in trouble. I don't even know why I said I was with you." Derek turns around and I can feel his eyes on me before looking away.

"I'm glad you did," he admits and we both don't know what to say anymore.

"I told your mom that you were at my house and your phone died so you couldn't call, then you forgot when you charged it." My mom knows I stopped hanging out with him, that's why she was so worried. Before it used to be normal for me to stay over at Nicolle or Louis' house.

"Thank you, I appreciate it. I should go now."

"Wait, where are you though? Are you okay?" he asks and seems so concerned about me, my heart is melting.

"I'm with... Dominic." Derek turns to me and he seems pretty confused.

"Dominic? Why?" Louis asks, almost jealous? They know each other.

"I was at a party and he offered to give me a ride back home," I say.

"Huh," Louis mutters and he clears out his throat, "I'm tired, we will talk tomorrow"

We both say goodbye and hang up. I can already see Derek dying of curiosity to ask me why I lied so I answer before he asks.

"I lied because he would get worried, he doesn't know you well, or at all," I explain.

"It doesn't matter, I understand." He seems like a nice person, but can I trust a stranger? The effect of weed and my mom made me let my guard down completely and get in a car with a stranger. An older stranger I smoked weed with.

This is why that thing happened to me... I'm a careless idiot. I feel my eyes watering again. I won't let it happen, not now.

~

I'm home and it's 4 AM, my parents went back to sleep since they think I'm safe with Louis. Oh, it would have been nice to date him. They already trust him.

I don't even want to think about that, ugh.

It's so dark in here, and I don't want to wake them up. I feel like the marijuana withdrawal is already kicking in, and the temporary happiness disappeared, it's replaced by anxiety and emptiness.

Is that how it is to smoke weed? A constant search for a few moments of happiness. I run to my room, trying not to trip over the stairs. I take off the dress and I feel watched... no, I'm just paranoid.

I close the curtains and throw the heels on the floor, pushing them under my bed. I'm so tired and worried I can't even go to the bathroom anymore. Fuck it.

I lay my head down on the pillow and tears immediately invade my eyes, I try to catch my breath.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. I'm not happy, and I will never be. But weed and alcohol help me feel normal for a few minutes. Is that how I'm going to live from now on?

I used to have wishes and plans for the future. Now I wish to be dead.

The realization that I have one more joint hits me and I look for it in the purse. Maybe if I smoke again, I'll feel better. Just a few more hours.

I realize I don't have a lighter and I put on some clothes and run to the kitchen, it's scary, but my mind is what terrifies me the most.

I grab a random lighter and run back upstairs. I open my window and begin smoking.

They are going to smell it, but who cares?

A few minutes pass and paranoia kicks in, my anxiety rises and I throw myself on the bed again.

Fuck, nothing works anymore. I begin crying into my pillow. I want to scream. I want it to be over but nothing comes out.

How much I'd wish to fall asleep and never wake up again.

Sometimes it feels like I can't remember what happened that morning, and other times I remember too much.

He slams me against the hard cement and I can feel my whole world trembling, the pain is so atrocious, I cannot process what is happening.

"Only a whore would dress like this at night," he spits.

I'm sobbing so harshly my pillow damps, my head feels like I crushed it with a rock.

"Please, make it stop," I say but it mostly comes as a whimper, I'm breathless. "Please..."

~

I didn't sleep at all. I eventually closed my eyes and calmed down. I'm so hurt, irritated and I feel so dirty.

I don't even want to leave my room or talk to anyone. I was hoping to get a feel better, while drinking, smoking, ignoring my past. But it's only a temporary solution because I always get back to this moment.

Maybe I should just be completely alone. Fuck it.

My phone is full of notifications from Dominic and Louis—now Louis has my number again, I did not want this. Hence why I changed my number and phone.

I don't care to reply to any of them. I block Louis and throw the phone on the bed.

He helped me, but talking to him will only bring memories back. I thanked him yesterday and that was enough. Next time I'll lie better. Fuck. I don't have any more weed, I need to ask Derek.

He probably doesn't give them for free, it was just a one-time thing, now I will have to ask my parents for money.

My head is still hurting from dehydration and too much alcohol mixed with weed.

I brush my teeth two times to get rid of the smell, but it doesn't seem to work.

Someone bursts into my room and I wince.

"Come downstairs, someone is looking for you," my mom says.

"No. Tell them to go away," I spit, annoyed that she didn't even knock.

"Come downstairs," she yells at me and I stand up.

"I'm not coming," I yell back.

"Why are you acting like this? We gave you everything. We took care of you when no one did." Her words feel like a dagger to my chest.

Ouch.

"Get the fuck out of my room," I scream as my eyes fill up with tears and she seems terrified, confused, disturbed. She leaves the room quietly. She did not expect this from me. I'm disappointed in myself.

Fuck, I need weed.

——

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